I Really Thought I Was Doing Okay (kinda long)

Dragonfly1226 · April 2010

I thought I was doing a good job dealing with IF. I mean, I've been positive and actually excited about the possibility of doing our next IVF cycle in May/June.

I guess I was just fooling myself because a close friend of mine just sent out a mass email announcing that she is 13 weeks pregnant, and I had a breakdown. LIterally I am shaking and crying and sick to my stomach.

There's a back story. This friend and I were both pregnant with #1 in 2008. Her due date was a week before mine. I had a m/c at 12 weeks and am still going through hell trying to have a baby. She had a beautiful baby girl. I had to watch her with her pregnant belly and now with her DD. It is a constant reminder of my loss.

Now I just had my second m/c in January, and she is due a month after my EDD. I am going to have to go through the whole thing again.

I am really just feeling sorry for myself. I love my friend to death, and I am happy for her. But I am so sad for me. And jealous. (She got pregnant her first try both times.) And I am so angry too. Dealing with miscarriages is hard enough without having to watch a friend go through a pregnancy and have a baby with the same timing. I can't believe this is happening again.

Please don't flame me. I know how my reaction sounds. I hate how I am feeling right now. I mean, who has a melt down like this b/c of a pregnancy announcement? I hate what IF has done to me. I hate that I have been trying to get pregnant for over two years and all I have to show for it are two miscarriages. I hate it all.

awinning · April 2010

No flames from me. I just want to say I'd have the same reaction as you, so know you aren't alone.

((((Hugs))))

Mrs.Voz · April 2010

I'm so sorry that you are feeling like this, Dragonfly. IF sucks hard! I just wanted to give you a huge {{{{hugs}}}}

MrsP71506 · April 2010

oh hon, your reaction is completely normal and you will not get flamed for it! I can't even imagine what you are going through. I have only talked once to a friend who is pregnant with #2 and she didn't even know she was pregnant until 9 weeks, because it is too hard right now, and I can't help but be jealous. So I can only imagine how you are feeling with EVERYTHING that you have been through.

I will be thinking of you and praying that your next cycle gives you your sticky baby, because you deserve to be happy and will be an excellent mother.

((hugs))

caityr · April 2010

Ticker below

(((hugs))) sweetie. I wish I could say that the sting goes away permanently when you have your sticky bfp but I still get those pangs when I hear announcements-but it DOES get better. I hope you find peace before your next cycle and that its the one;)

scooterq · April 2010

You definitely won't get any flames from me. Pregnancy announcements are hard when you're dealing with IF and then you add in the timing too!! I know I would have cried too. I think most of us here understand that and know the feeling of being happy for a close friend or family member, but so very sad for ourselves!

I am really sorry! (((hugs)))

catery18 · April 2010

the hardest thing about IF is watching people get what you want over and over...you have been through so much and we all have break down over bfp announcements. I hope this IVF cycle is your sticky baby. ((HUGS))

steveandkim2 · April 2010

No flames here either - just hugs! There are days I feel the same way too about pg announcements. Lots of Hugs coming your way!

newsbaby · April 2010

No flames from me. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. I know how low you are feeling right now and that is totally okay to feel that way. I hope you are feeling better soon and you focus on your upcoming cycle. Hugs.

erinandbrockv · April 2010

You deserve hugs-not flames! This is so hard and I know that words can not make it better but please know that you are not alone in feeling this way. We all do from time to time. I am really hoping that this next cycle is it for you!!

Me&Mr.T · April 2010

No way would I flame you! I went through the same thing and it SUCKS!I can't even look at my friends son without wanting to cry, and it's been a year next month.

((HUGS)) My prayers are with you!

GenRN45 · April 2010

Honey, I'm so sorry that you're going through all this. ZERO flames here. And honestly, I think your friend was wrong to not tell you herself, and to do it as part of a mass email. There's not a lot of empathy there.

I wish there was anything I could do or say that could make this easier for you.

I really hope your next IVF cycle gives you your sticky baby.

jani7 · April 2010

I am so sorry you are going through this. IF sucks

madelyn07 · April 2010

I'm so sorry honey. That must be so, so difficult.

Best of luck with your upcoming IVF!

cara-n-steve · April 2010

Sweetie! Why would we flame you? You're feeling are totally normal and understandable. I can't speak for anyone else, but going through a loss, and then seeing a good friend have a baby is very hard. Of course we all wish the best for our good friends, but with their joy we often have sadness. It's OK to be upset and jealous. I often feel the same way. Try to do something nice for yourself today!!!

Imanurse03 · April 2010

Absolutely no flames here! I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. IF sucks! It's so not fair. I have been through this, too, with various friends and now my younger sister. Some days I feel so bitter and angry. Big hugs to you. I hope that your upcoming IVF cycle results in your sticky BFP!

bridetobein05 · April 2010

You are not alone. I have had the same experience and it sucks! IF sucks and I am so sorry you have to have one more reminder. There is nothing worse than when someone elses happiness reminds you of your heartbreak!

Thinking of you!!

Kiki11 · April 2010

I can't possibly imagine why anyone would flame you for feeling this way. I think we've all felt something similar at some point. I've had several meltdowns due to pregnancy announcements and I always hated myself for not being able to feel truly happy for them because my own jealousy and bitterness was so great. I hate what IF does to us. It's just not fair and I'll never, ever understand it. I'm so sorry that you're going through this right now. (((big big hugs)))

MAK06 · April 2010

If someone flamed you, I'd have to really kick some asss! Why would anyone here flame when you are having a completely normal reaction?!?!

You have had an incredibly long and hard journey. It's hard to watch someone so easily get to have and go through everything you can possibly dream of. It's incredibly unfair and heartbreaking. I REALLY hate that you are going through this.

I wish I had words to take away your pain now. But I'm so hopeful that your time will come so soon. Because of your journey, I know you will cherish every second when it comes. I will not stop thinking/praying for you until you are holding your baby in your arms.

Until then, I'm sending (((((((((( HUGE GINORMOUS HUGS )))))))))))

So sorry hon =(

MerryMarisa · April 2010

No flames from me, hon. I can totally relate to how you're feeling. My sister and I were due one day apart last year. I miscarried and watching her going through her pregnancy was very hard for me. You are not alone in your feelings, sweetie; how you feel is a normal reaction to infertility and loss. I'm so sorry you're going through this ((( hugs ))).

smeyer · April 2010

Hon, no one will flame you. What you're feeling is SO very normal! While the grieving process has many ups and downs, I think it's especially true with m/cs. I went thru the exact same thing with all 4 of mine. I'd pull myself together, go on with my life thinking I was OK. One little thing -- a comment, a pregnancy announcement, a trip to the mall at lunch (when ALL the moms are out, it seems!) or even a pregnancy I knew about for awhile -- could suddenly push me over the edge again. I'd find myself in tears again, sometimes just sad for us but other times I'd feel almost irrationally angry about it. I'm not a crier or an overly emotional person so the swings/ranges of emotions were really weird to me. Accepting the strange cycle of emotions was really key for me in learning to cope.

Your babies are a part of you and they always will be. And they should be! Find the things that give you hope or make you feel excited and embrace them, but know and accept that sadness may creep back sometimes. It's OK and you're not a bad or a weird person for feeling sad, jealous, or even angry. You wouldn't be you without all of the things you've seen/done/experienced - your friends and family wouldn't want you any other way.

Hang in there, sweetie. If you need anything, feel free to PM me. ((hugs))

schoolsoutbride · April 2010

No flames here. That sounds really really rough. I'm sorry

jdeats71 · April 2010

Absolutely zero flames from me. I feel like this a lot. I know 8 people who are pregnant and more than half are due within 2-3 weeks of my EDD in July. It sucks to feel jealous even though I'm happy for my friends. Losses are so hard but then your throw IF on top of it and its unbearable sometimes.

I'm so sorry......big hugs to you.

roselln2 · April 2010

I am so sorry you are going through this, sweetie. I can only imagine how strong you must be to be handling all of this as well as you are. No flames from me, just (((hugs))). I hope this next cycle is yours.

BathingInBitter · April 2010

Oh honey. I think that we've all been there a time or two and in my opinion, I think that with all you've been through you're entitled to feel the way that you're feeling. IF is hard and it sucks and it makes us people that we wouldn't have otherwise become.

You're hurting and that's understandable. You're important and the one thing that I've learned through this entire process is, we have to take care of our selves.

Thinking of you. ((hugs))

aplus816 · April 2010

{{{hugehugs}}} certainly no flames here. it's such a sucky thing to have to go through - no one would blame you for how you feel after all you've been through. I'm so sorry that you're having a rough time.

QuiltingBee · April 2010

Oh honey....I'm so sorry. No flames...I can't imagine how hard it is. I think you're happy for her but you want to be able to share good news, too....that's completely normal.

I hope you feel better soon.

JaGirl · April 2010

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It just isn't fair! I'm praying that your upcoming IVF will give you your sticky BFP! ((((((((HUGS))))))))

Bella2u07 · April 2010

No flames here. I am so sorry you are going through this.

I think we all have at one time or another had our breakdowns and it's ok, we go through a lot with IF, mentally, physically and emotionally. We all get through it though, one way or another and keep moving on.

Take some time and go pamper yourself. You WILL get through this!!!

(((hugs)))

can'tfindausername · April 2010

No flames here at all. I think your reaction was normal. Many of us I am sure would have had the same reaction.It gets to be very overwhelming. Big hugs sent your way.

missred75 · April 2010

Oh, hun. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're totally justified with how you're feeling in my opinion. ::hugs::

nikinikinine · April 2010

Michelle, I'm so so sorry. You have every right to feel this way. EVERY RIGHT. One of my friends told me she was going to start trying for #3 (yes baby #3) when I found out we were pregnant. By the time I had my D&C (6 weeks later) she was already knocked up and posting crazy facebook messages. I wanted to die.

Take some time, mourn, grieve, and then get back up tomorrow and start a fresh day. xoxo

ohiostategal · April 2010

No flames here. It is so hard to see someone not only have a kid, but have one the same age as yours would have been. My BF and DH's BF are both due with babies the same day and the day after our EDD for m/c #1. It sucks. I can't imagine having a friend with babies they same age as both. Big hugs. It completely normal and frankly healthy to have moments like this. That is what we are here for. I'm so sorry and I hoep and pray you have your little miracle really soon.

grazy · April 2010

I know exactly how you feel-- ?that sick-to-your-stomach feeling. I am so sorry. You can feel free to vent to us anytime. We understand.?

IF is so unfair and just sucks so much.?

waitingforbaby#2 · April 2010

Awwww I'm so sorry sweety.

You've been through soo much, we are here for you (((((hugs))))))

Edwina.McDunnough · April 2010

I'm so sorry. I hate how IF makes us feel sometimes and that you are going through this right now. Lots of hugs.

may2806 · April 2010

No flames from me - how you feel is totally normal (not that that makes it any easier). It's hard hearing about other's pregnancies, especially when they become a reminder of loss. I've felt exactly the same way. ((HUGS))

JM1977 · April 2010

Just wanted to say I'm so sorry. This sounds absolutely heart-wrenching. I will be thinking of you.

butterfly843 · April 2010

((hugs)) I had a breakdown on sunday when I found out my neighbor was pregnant.

wildcat05 · April 2010

Just wanted to say thinking of you...hang in there. Smile

Amie8301 · April 2010

Oh, sweetie, how could we possibly flame you for feeling this way?! You have every right to feel the way you do!! I am so sorry you've had to go through so much and continue to go through this. (((((hugs)))))

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