Blended Families

Boy, do I need advice!

I am a bride (8 great months, yay!) and new mom-to-be. DH has a 5 y.o. son from a previous relationship. His son lives in another state with his BM and we get to spend time with him during different holidays and in the summer. He is a great kid! He is so smart, funny and genuinely great to be around. DH and I had a long engagement and SS and I got to know each other pretty well. However since we got married, he's expressed confusion and wanting his dad to marry his mom. Ouch! Things were pretty good during Christmas break, but since then he is insistent about wanting his parents together. DH has explained to him that things didn't work out with BM (almost 2 yrs before we met), and he's married to me now. SS still needs reassurance that he is loved by both families. Now with the baby on the way, we have to explain that he will be a big brother. I'm sure he will be a great big brother. But how do we share the news with him and reassure him that he is a big part of our family? We were thinking to do it before I start to really show...

Any advice you offer would be great!

Re: Boy, do I need advice!

  • He is five so he will be influenced by the way you tell him.  Personally I would buy him a big brother t shirt and tell him the next time you see him face to face.  Make it a celebration of him becoming a big brother and get some books to read with him about his responsibilities.  Continue to tell him you love him and make him feel safe and secure.  Also allow him lots of time alone with your DH.  Is there an activity / hobby they can share together?
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  • My DS is 5 and we have a new baby. When I was pregnant, we told him over and over again how much his little sister would love him and look up to him. We also emphasized how important his role was as her big brother.

    We do struggle a bit with him acting out to get attention, but he's great to her. He kisses her and hugs her and really loves her to pieces. We just try to keep telling him we love him and what a great brother he is. We do also try to give him some one-on-one attention whenever we can. We watch his soccer games, my H will practice with him, I'll bake cookies with him, etc.

    Balancing kids is a challenge in every family!

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  • Maybe ss is confused about what getting married means. Have you asked him what he thinks it is? Kids have different concepts than adults. It is probably hard for him to grasp that he is part of 2 families. DH might need to explain to him that although he and mommy don't get along anymore, he will NEVER stop loving ss, no matter what.

    I agree that he should be told about his new bro/sis. That way he can start sharing in the planning of the new baby. Ask him what names he thinks are nice, what color the baby's room should be, etc. Involve him as much as possible. Tell him he will be a great big brother, and you are so happy that the new baby will have him as his/her brother. Things will work out, he is just confused right now where he fits in in both families.

  • All my SKs (8,7,4) did this when we were dating and engaged.  "Are you going to marry Daddy?  When?  I hope you marry Daddy.  I wish Mommy and Daddy still lived together." all in the same breath.  I agree that he may not know what "married" means and that he's just trying to figure out his place in both families.
  • DH decided to tell him pretty much as soon as he saw him this past weekend! I didn't have a chance to get him the books or a cool shirt or anything. He took him off to the side and told him and next thing I know, I'm getting a hug and questions about whether its a boy or a girl. We told the BM that we would tell him at some point, but since this was a little ahead of schedule, we didn't let her know this was the week. It turns out that the good news was needed because a couple of days later my MIL died suddenly. Now we are planning a funeral, explaining to SS what happened and still preparing the home for baby. Whew! What an emotional week!! DH is spending more time with SS as we are going through this process. I think SS will be okay, its just a lot for an adult to take in, and even more for a child!

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