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Don't sugar coat it, please...

always2busyalways2busy member
in Working Moms
I am looking for some real working mom advice.  I am hoping I can handle the truth, so please let me have it. 

My husband and I are wanting to start a family soon, but with the economy and blah blah blah, we don't know what to do.  If we want to start soon I have to keep working.  We had always planned on me taking time off when the baby comes and eventually going back to work.  I said I could do part time, but we would need me to either make what I do now as part time, or else stay full time.  I am scared that I won't want to work full time and be away.  I know I get a leave, but I already have mommy guilt.  How did you all do it, and how are you doing it?  Thank you for your lived in advice!
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Re: Don't sugar coat it, please...

  • roseroseroseroseroseroseroseroseroserose member

    Do you really think you'd enjoy being a SAHM?  It's not for everyone.  Some ppl really enjoy their job, the interaction, and the satisfaction from work. 

    I thought I wanted to be a SAH but really, we can't afford it and I enjoy work.  I miss DD during the day, but it's about quality time not quantity.

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  • Temp146997687502158Temp146997687502158
    I make the dough, so I need to work. it sucks. wish I could do something different. I do enjoy every minute I do have with my baby though.
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  • AlisaSAlisaS member
    Best advice - if you need to work, find some joy in what you do. I tend to find that most women who feel a lot of Mommy guilt don't have jobs they enjoy or find fulfilling.

    Bottom line - kids do fine in daycare. Better than fine. So if you "have" to work, get over the guilt. It is a waste of time to spend energy on feeling badly about your life. Find work you enjoy, focus on being a happy and a fulfilled woman and mother. The rest will take care of itself.
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  • always2busyalways2busy member
    Thank you so much!  It helps to hear from women that are in what will be my position.  I guess it is normal to fear the unknown. 
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  • mrsmikeymrsmikey
    I'm doing it b/c I have to.  We have to have my salary to pay the bills.  I pretty much came to terms with that before I got pg.  I knew I would be a working mom, so if I wanted a family, I was going to have to be ok with that.  Honestly, not having a choice kinda made it easier.  And, like the pp said, not everyone is cut out for being a SAHM.  I really thought I'd want to if I could, but after being on maternity leave for 12 weeks, I'm not so sure.  Ideally, I'd work part time.  But I'd rather work full time than not at all.  And DS loves daycare!
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  • longhorngallonghorngal member
    hmm i grew up with a working mother and i grew up being proud of her being independent. i work becuase i want that independence....and i work because i do not want dh to have all the pressure to provide for his family....long term wise....if something were to happen to dh....i want the security that health insurance can be covered by me.....versus....being without it....again long term wise i do not want to have to depend on my children financially....one thing that my dh complained about from having a stay at home mother was that he hardly had time with his father because his father was always working providing for the family

    i teach so i get to stay home during the summer and the holidays.....
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  • lishaloulishalou

    First of all, I love being a mommie and I love my job working as a nurse in a cancer clinic.  I work full time (nine hr days, 4day/wk).  I do feel guilty about working, but at the same time I'm doing it for my dd.  We are able to provide her more because I work.  I would feel even more guilty if I sah and dh worked more than 1 job.  It is hard to work knowing that someone else is there loving on my dd.  I am very lucky w/ my job though.  I can pretty much take off when I need to.  I have friday-sunday off and holidays too.  I would love to be a sahm but i think i would miss my job and my patients too.  i worked really hard for my degree and it's part of who I am.  Also, I feel like I'm setting a good example for my daughter.

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  • RoxyLynnRoxyLynn member

    Realistically - if you could work half the hours for the same pay, wouldn't you already be doing that?

    Put me on the same bandwagon of "my Mom had - and has - a career and set a great example of not being financially dependent."  The argument that "they're only little once" is entirely true.  They're also only 14 once, they're just way less cute and controllable.  ;)

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  • MarriedToMyLoveMarriedToMyLove
    I am taking 10 weeks (11 though if you include thanksgiving week) and so far so good. I have to go back and have given it a lot of thought on how good it will be for our daughter to go to daycare. She will socialize, she will be with other adults. I can go to work and get autonomy. It does make me sad to be without her, but eventually, I will have to be, as she will have to go to prek and so on.
    I guess I could stay home, but I am really not liking that idea, either. I am a wife, a mother and most importantly, a woman.
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  • molldoll71molldoll71

    One day at a time - it actually has gotten so much easier because he is getting so much out of school these days - I see how good it is for him.  It's hard but it does get easier. 

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  • Taylor44Taylor44
    I enjoy being a working mom, and financially I don't have a choice.  My advice is to try to find a schedule that works for your whole family, if possible.  My husband is off of work on Mondays, so that is his day with our son.  I work from home on Fridays and am home on Saturdays with our son.  Then Sundays, we are all home together.  My son goes to daycare three days a week.  So we have a little bit of everything and it works for us.
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  • Amanda_H_In_JerseyAmanda_H_In_Jersey
    I always enjoyed my job, but thought I might not want to go back to work after I had my son.  HOWEVER, after 12 weeks of staying home I missed working, and being around other adults.  While I was on maternity I spent time with my sister (she was off for the summer - teacher) and we had a great time; but after a while I felt like I had nothing to contribute to conversations if they weren't about my son/being a mom.  Working gives me something else to make me smile; and makes me appreciate the time with my son a MILLION times more.  I don't get sad if he has a "first" at daycare because I know that the first time I see him do something will be just as special.  He is doing really well and I am SO happy to have a work-home balance. 
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  • hunnybunny2021hunnybunny2021
    I personally wasn't meant to be a SAHM.  My 6 weeks of maternity leave with DS was really hard... I longed for adult conversation and to spend part of my day not being pooped on, puked on or peed on! :) Honestly I love my son, but I also love my job.  I am a better mom because I am a working mom.  :)

    You need to do some soul searching and find out which option works best for you... some people were meant to be SAHMs and do a wonderful job and some people, like myself, were meant to be working moms.  Neither decision makes you a bad mom...  :)
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  • Melanie2003Melanie2003
    DD has been in daycare for a year now, since she was 3 mos old. I was apprehensive about it, but we LOVE it! She is thriving there, and we are maintaining the lifestyle we like. I could have stopped working for a year and we would have made some sacrifices. Glad I didn't do it - it's a year later now and the economy is terrible. I'm happy to have a paycheck! I have no guilt - my DD is loved and well cared for at home and at school. I prefer to call it school - that's what the place looks like and they have a curriculum for her. I would have never fingerpainted with a 7 mos old - but they did! I would never do whip cream sensory with a 1 yr old in my kitchen - but they do! I really know that I would be a terrific SAHM, but I think she really has the best of both worlds. I think daycare/school has a lot to do with how verbal and mobile she is. Good luck with your decision.
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  • JLSBWGJLSBWG member
    I didn't want to go back to work, but I wasn't sure that I would have been happy as a SAHM either.  I went back to work full-time and it is fine.  Ideally, I would like to work part-time and that is my future goal.  I don't feel guilty about my DS being in daycare because he loves it and it is doing really well there.  If you can swing working  part-time, that would be the best of both worlds.  I would see how you feel while on maternity leave though. 
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  • KrisztaKriszta

    I am in your boat too.  There is no way I can completely stop working when DH and I have children (we're going to TTC starting next year).

    However, I have already sat down and talked to my boss about this.  Now, not all bosses can be approached on this subject, but I like to plan rather than be surprised.  I don't even know if/when we'll actually have children, but now I know that I'll have the option to work from home.  Maybe it's something that you can look into.

    FYI - I also travel for my company (and it's not really a part of my position) so I don't have to do it.  Basically, I told them that I would either travel and work from home the rest of the time, or I would just come in the office and stop the travel.  They don't want me to stop traveling so they were willing to compromise.

    I think this will be a nice balance (working at home) since my mother will be the one watching our child while it is office hours.  But at least I can sneak out and be a part of things whenever I want to.

    Good luck!

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  • snickerdoodle27snickerdoodle27
    I never had the urge to want to be a SAH mom. even after ds was born. I enjoy my job and the interaction. I spend quality time with ds when I'm home. I think that's what matters. Plus, i need to work. Not working is not an option for us. I had 8 weeks off for maternity leave, I woudl have liked more but I had to take 2 weeks unpaid as it was. I was ready to come back though. I missed being aroudn people all day! DH and I have a routine that we pretty much stick to. That's how it works for us.
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  • cville-rncville-rn

    For what its worth my mom was a SAHM which was wonderful, but she did tell me once that I "was her greatest achievement". And that she felt fulfilled because of what I am doing now with my life. Pressure much?

    I think she would have been happier and more fulfilled if she had a career. Which is why I work (at least part time).

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  • CHI-06CHI-06 member

    I work and I think I will always still say my daughter is my greatest achievement and I don't think there is anything at all wrong with that!  I don't think I'm more fulfilled by being at work then if I was at home with my daughter. 

    Honestly, I always planned to return to work and never really had issue with it....until my daughter was born and I bonded with her.  For me it isn't so much about guilt but more about seperation anxiety I guess?  I know my daughter is doing fine it is more me...my heart tugging being away from her.  I was more career oriented before but my focus has changed...I have no desire to work a minute late for anything...I need to get home for my pressure little time I get with DD.

    Daughter born July 2008; Daughter born March 2010 Son born August 2011
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  • ashleyrsotomayorashleyrsotomayor member
    So, as a teacher do you find it easier to go back to work knowing you have summers and holidays off? Were you able to breast feed and teach?
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