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Need advice on visitation between DD and Bio-Dad

Courtney&DaryllCourtney&Daryll
in Blended Families
Hello, I lurk her often. I am a BM but my fianc? is Step-Dad to my 8 y.o. DD so I look for advice on blended families.
 
I am seeking advice about my DD's Bio-Dad. I will give you a little break ground. I hope to keep this as short as possible and I will answer any question you ask.
 
Background: BD and I were never married I became pregnant after we had only been together for a month.  I decided to keep the baby, and most of my pregnancy we didn't talk this was very difficult as we worked together. About a month before the birth of our daughter we met and talk about child support and his role in her life. I let him know at that time that I wanted him to be a father to our child and that I hoped we could work together.

Our daughter was born in Jan of 2000 he would see her once a week or once every other week. We never went to court to have a formal custody or visitation agreement ordered.  He always paid his support on time. In July of 2000 he left CA to move back east to attend law school. We kept in contact between phone calls and e-mails. I offered to bring our daughter to visit but he never agreed. My dd has annual visit with his parents every summer.

He has seen her twice since he left once we she was 2 and the last time when she was 4, she went to his wedding with her grandparents. Since then we have had very little contact with him. He stop answering my phone calls almost immediately and within a year he stopped responding to e-mails.

He stopped paying child support in Nov of 2005, in Sept of 06 I file papers for Child support. At this time he makes the claim that he doesn't think our daughter is his, by the time we go to court she is 7 y.o. I am awarded child support but he hasn't paid a dime.
 
Okay now for the reason I seek advice. Early this year my fianc? and I decide to take my dd on a cruise for the summer. I was told she would need a passport. When I went to complete the paperwork I was informed that the father would have to sign. The only way that I had to contact him was through e-mail.

He moved to New Jersey during our child support case and provided me with neither address or phone number. So I sent numerous e-mails asking him to signed the document to get DD a passport stated that I would pay for the notarization fee. I never received any response. I was told that my only option was to file for sole legal and physical custody of our daughter.

I found his current address through one of those online person finder sites and filed the paperwork . He is contesting my request for sole legal custody and requesting reasonable visitation. We have mediation coming up in a week and I have just been informed that you are not allowed to do this over the phone. I have not seen him in 8 years. I have to come up with option for visitation but I am at a lost. At this time I don't think it is in my DD best interest to send her to be with people that she doesn't know, but I also don't want to appear stubborn or bitter, which I am neither.  

I want her to have a relationship with BD but it has been 4 years with her having no contact with him. I will state that I haven't moved I live at the same address that I have always lived at since my daughter was born and my home phone number was just recently changed 1 1/2 ago. I also have the same e-mail address that I have had for 10 years. My dd and I also keep in regular contact with his family and they have all of my information.
 
So after all of this, what would be your suggestion on types of visitation for him to have with DD.  I thank you in advance for your advice
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Re: Need advice on visitation between DD and Bio-Dad

  • PlannedChaosPlannedChaos
    I would suggest a "warming up" period in the visitation order, a time in which he has to have supervised visitations or a form of visitation which is comfortable for your daughter so she doesn't feel like she's being left with a stranger.  This should be a 6 month to 1 year period, during which he has to meet all of the visitation periods in order for the supervision to be lifted.  I would also specify, since he moved away, that he will need to come to visit her, at his expense, and that future visits on a regular visitation schedule will be on his expense.  Beyond that, I would expect a normal visitation schedule.

    Also keep in mind the child support order and visitation are completely separate.  If he's not paying and hasn't visited her much in 8 years, I would be shocked if he suddenly changed just because he had to pay child support.
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  • PlannedChaosPlannedChaos
    OH - Also - you could put in there that the visitation doesn't have to be by a court appointed guardian - it could be his family, since your daughter already knows them and is probably comfortable with them.
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  • hindsight's_a_biotchhindsight's_a_biotch member

    I requested the standard EOW and split holidays knowing full well he'd never exercise that much. It made me look accomodating but he only sees her when he wants to. Which adds up to maybe three times a year I think. This year so far, he saw her for four days over spring break and 6 weeks this summer. I don't expect he'll see her again until Christmas.

    If I were you, I'd stick to exactly what you feel comfortable with as it comes to summer break, Christmas, and Thanksgiving. Those are the only times he will probably do anything, if then.

    Other than that, make sure you aren't the one paying for travel.



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  • mrsslabmrsslab

    I am currently going through this, and just posted for some answers. My attorney thinks that supervised visitation is best for a father/ mother that has been absent for such a long period. But like many say, sometimes you go through all this hassle and within the year he will fall off the wagon again. GL!

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  • SUwifeSUwife
    It sounds like overall you have a decent relationship with the grandparents.  For the first few visits (which due to distance I'd guess would take like 2 years or so) I'd insist on him being with his parents.  He could fly out, your DD could stay at the grandparnets home for the week or whatever and he can either stay there too, or get a hotel and visit with her there.  If he wants her out there at his place, I'd insist that either his mom or dad go with DD. 

    It would just be too hard for a 8 year old girl to be given to a stranger, and due to the distance it'd be overnight.  It'd be too hard on her, and frankly hard on your ex too.
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  • AwaymireAwaymire

    i'm not a bm, but i am an sm.  I am also from a split family.  The visitation my dad had was the break at Christmas every other year, and a month in the summer.  We NEVER got to see him at Christmas, he was "too busy" and only one summer got to see him for the whole month.  Eventually he was to busy with his new life to even be bothered with us.

    I'd ask for the week for winter break (assuming your school has that) every other year, and maybe a month in the summer, with her spending the month at his parents and he visiting her there until she gets to know him and SM better.  She may adjust rather quickly, but then again she might not. 

    Whatever you do, I'd ask the courts to make sure it's as stress free for your DD as possible.  He abandoned her, he doesn't get to just jerk her around now.  He needs to work his way back into her life at her convenience and comfort level.

     

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  • sprky79sprky79 member
    I am here to tell you the court will look poorly on a member of the bar failing to pay his child support obligations.  You may be in better shape than you think.  Just be pleasant with the court, ask for reasonable things, and watch the judge grill this "lawyer" about his refusal to honor his obligations.

    Oh, and file a claim with his state bar association.  They have ethics rules that do not support his behavior.
    Seriously, people. If your faith in humanity is destroyed because your parents told you there was a Santa Claus and as it turns out there is no Santa Claus, you are an ignorant, hypersensitive cry baby with absolutely zero perspective. - UnderwaterRhymes
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  • Courtney&DaryllCourtney&Daryll
    I want to thank you all for your advice. I was also thinking about getting my daughter a therapist to help her with this process. I have a very good relationship with his parents so I don't see a problem with her going there they love having her. Him and his wife also have two little girls ages 3 and 1 I am also concerned about them as well. and how they will react to my daughter. I was thinking of suggesting that that after sufficent visit I could bring her to New Jersey to visit with him for a few days so that she can get to know this part of her family and get familar with this enviroment.

    Also I am very adament about the sole legal custody portion. I want to work with him but I don't think that right now he should be making decision. Do you think that this would look bad to a judge?
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  • mrsslabmrsslab
    I don't think asking for Sol custody is crazy at all! Sol custody is for you make the decision in her life, how can he make decisions for someone he does not know. I would talk to your lawyer ASAP, to get the ball rolling. If she/ he is any good like mine, she will tell what is best for you and your daughter.
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  • DREWLILYDREWLILY
    Wow, Courtney, I feel bad for you and DD. This guy sounds like a real jerk. Funny his financial disappearing act nearly coincides with his new marriage. If he wants nothing to do with DD financially, how can he turn around and fight your request for full custody, he's never even been around her hardly! I don't have much advice for you beyond what has already been giving. But I think you should continue to fight for sole custody, and I think you'll probably get it too, he can still have visitation though. I can't get over what a douche this guy is, but kudos for you for continuing to try and create a relationship for DD and your X, that probably isn't easy given the situation but you obviously truly have your DD's best interest at heart! GL and keep us posted!
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  • hindsight's_a_biotchhindsight's_a_biotch member

    Are you planning to be married soon? Honestly, I think you have a very strong case for sole legal and physical custody. In fact, you could probably have your FI after you marry adopt your daughter and put this louse out to pasture. But you can't do that until after you marry.

    Anyhoodle, back to the original question, I would honestly ask douche WTF he wants and as long as it isn't stupid, I'd agree to it. Because given his track record, he'll pick her up once, even if he manages that much and that will be it. Make everything on his terms. He does pick up AND drop off, he has to provide you with a contact number and address at least 15 days prior, he notifies you within 5 days of any chances when she is not with him, withing 24 hours when she is. He confirms all plans 48 hours beforehand. He must leave her with a certified caregiver is he uses a babysitter. You want phone visitation while she is gone, every night between 6:30 and 8, etc.

    Oh and he signs this piece of paper because you aren't playing this.

    Okay so actually what I would do is talk in depth with your lawyer. Ask her how likely the judge is to rule in your favor on sole legal and physical custody given the circumstances and what the minimum visitation you can get away with would be. And then I would agree to nothing short of what she says and drag his ass to court if he doesn't agree.

    While I think children should have contact with their birth parents, he's made clear this is a punishment and not a true attempt to be a father to his child. She does not deserve him and he will only hurt her. Fuuk him and the horse he rode in on.

    What does your lawyer have to say about this?



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  • Ginlyn0Ginlyn0 member
    I don't have any advice....but something doesn't sit right with me about this post...could be the fact that you say your daughter is 8 and was born in Jan 2000.... my daughter was born then and is almost 10......
    DD(14),SD(13),SS(11),SS(9),DS(3)

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