- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Blended Families
INSTA-FAMILY!!!
DH and I have been going through the process of becoming foster/adoptive parents. We have been married 2+years and are unable to have bio-kids. We are also over 40. However, we very much were interested in adopting out of the foster care system. We wanted to try for a sibling group that was interested in staying together.
We have been working on this for almost a year, and got a call today from our social worker that she thinks they have a match for us! We are very excited, and go for a meeting with both social workers early next week.
The children are age 2-6, and there are 2 girls and a boy. We are very excited for this opportunity, so thought I would post here to find out from others if you had any suggestions for making the transition to our home as easy as possible for these kids? We don't know a lot about their background yet, but do know the bio mom has 'disappeared' for the last 6 months. The maternal grandma was interested in taking the kids, however she had issues with child protective services when her kids were little, so she was denied custody. We know nothing about the father.
Any ideas would be appreciated. Thanks!
We have been working on this for almost a year, and got a call today from our social worker that she thinks they have a match for us! We are very excited, and go for a meeting with both social workers early next week.
The children are age 2-6, and there are 2 girls and a boy. We are very excited for this opportunity, so thought I would post here to find out from others if you had any suggestions for making the transition to our home as easy as possible for these kids? We don't know a lot about their background yet, but do know the bio mom has 'disappeared' for the last 6 months. The maternal grandma was interested in taking the kids, however she had issues with child protective services when her kids were little, so she was denied custody. We know nothing about the father.
Any ideas would be appreciated. Thanks!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: INSTA-FAMILY!!!
Ideas that sprang to mind:
1) Keep the kids in therapy for a while (read at least one year). Allow them to do individual and family sessions
2) Have very clear cut rules, expectations and corresponding consequences to those rules & expectations. Keep them age appropriate (such as chores). Have them written down for all to see.
This will help with consistency. Kids thrive on and find comfort in consistency.
3) Be just as consistent with your positive reinforcements. DO NOT fall into the trap of praise for praise sake, but DO give them lots of hugs and "good goings" for actual appropriate/spectacular behavior.
4) Spend quality time with them on an individual basis. Do the fun and not so fun things. Work on homework and chores together, as well as go on personality based outings.
5) DO NOT allow your sympathies to overcome your parenting. This will do more harm than good. I KNOW.
6) Document everything for the first year. You think that I am over cautious, but it is very important to do so.
I would love to adopt, especially a slightly older (non-newborn). Dh is not as open to that idea, though he does seem to be coming around to it.
Best of luck to you and your family.
Wow...bless your heart! To take in three siblings is wonderful. We just had an entire family of 9 children abandoned by their dad (mom died last year) in my hometown. There's almost no way the whole family will end up together, which is just heartbreaking.
No ideas either, other than maybe you could come up with some fun "get to know you" games?
A couple of unorganized thoughts....
I would look into their likes and dislikes as quickly as possible, and avoid conflict, especially with the oldest child to start with. The oldest is going to be your ring-leader and protector of the younger two. If you have the oldest on your side, your life is going to be much easier to start with. (This comes from the oldest of 4 girls- and yes, I was the ring leader and the protector-- I still am, 30 years later. LOL).
The middle child is going to be disoriented and confused more so than the other two. He or she is going to need to or want to be baby'd a little. He may even revert back to bedwetting or diapers if he's not already potty trained. He's going to want to sleep with his siblings. Let him to start with. You can worry about that transition into his own room later.
The baby will probaby be fine and adapt the quickest of everyone. She's not going to remember as much as the other two.
Other than that, I think you just need to try your hardest to be as loving and gentle as possible, and be there for them. I wouldn't be too overbearing towards them, but make sure they know that you're right there if they need you.
Get them into a routine, since kids thrive on routines. Do some fun bonding activities together-- maybe even something as exciting as the zoo.
Anyway. Obviously, you don't want to make it all "disney land", but at the same time, you want to be able to bond with them before you try to set rules and discipline into place.
GOOD LUCK!
You should also give them each their own space. Kind of make it generic I think at first. Nothing too decorated. Kind of a blank slate that they can fill with what they like. Then you can take them out to pick out what they want to put in there, paint colors, sheets, toys they like etc. You want them to feel welcome, yes but you want them to feel like they have some imput.
Make up photo albums for each of them. It should have pictures and maybe a short little blurb about the important people in your family. This way they aren't too overwhelmed when they meet everyone. It also I would think makes them feel more apart of it. Also leave some room for them add their family.
Expect that they will act out. Try not to take it personally and instead address the root. You can be empathetic without letting them walk all over you.
Set up a routine and follow it consistantly. You might also want to put some snuggle/storytime in there.
And make sure you praise them and praise them often. Tell them they are wonderful kids and let them know how happy you are to have them.
Click me, click me!
I think the therepy idea is great. The chores that almost everyone suggested baffles me... (sorry!)
You mention they are between 2 and 6. I can't imagine assigning these little ones chores (basic rules such as pick up toys - yes).
Have fun and enjoy your new family! It sounds like a wonderful opportunity for all of you.
Picking up toys is a chore. It's not always wash the car and do the dishes. Mine are 5 and 6. They clean their rooms, set the table, clear the table and pick up their bathrooms.
I don't know why people think that kids will magically wake up responsible if you don't assign them little tasks along the way. Not only that, chores, even small ones, add to the feeling of unity and community in a family. Besides, I didn't have children so I could spend all my time cleaning up after them. If I did, I'd have no energy to spend meaningful time with them.
Click me, click me!
I agree with Hindsight--
It is possible to find age-appropriate chores for these little ones to do. Maybe not the 2 yr old, other than "helping" pick up toys or whatnot. But the older ones certainly can help with minor chores.
We have a chart hanging the fridge that we found online that had simple things-- like getting dressed, washing hands, brushing teeth, picking up toys, setting table, clearing own plate, etc on it. We started this when he was 3.5yo. He's 5 now. We didn't FORCE him to do any of these things, but when he did, he got a sticker. Even though we don't really do the sticker chart anymore, he clears his own plate from the table without being asked after every meal.