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Tonight?s been a tough night

CaptainSeriousCaptainSerious member
in Adoption

I went to church tonight, and they were having a special healing service (there?s been some turmoil within our church community lately, as one of our members is accused of sexually assaulting several young girls).  It was very uplifting?until they started in with the prayer petitions.  One of them were for ?lonely? people who felt unloved and were without hope.  Another was for doctors, nurses, counselors, and others who dedicate their lives to those that need care and nurturing.

I all about lost it.  I could barely keep from crying during the service, which was important to me, because I didn?t want church members to think I was in some way trying to link myself with the pain of those whom have been harmed.  No one at church knows we?re adopting yet, mostly because we don?t want to be asked every week about the status.

I got to my car, and the tears streamed down my face.  I felt for my child, that I can?t protect.  I hurt for his/her loneliness.  I ached to save him from another night wishing to be loved by parents all his own.

And then I felt bad for singling out my child.  For feeling bad for the pain my child is going through, when I should be concerned with the plight of all children without forever families.  From there, I starting hurting for all those in pain, suffering, and in otherwise bad situations.

Yeah, I?m a basket case tonight.  Wanting to solve the world?s problems, but lacking a cape?and super powers.

Tonight?s been a tough night.  I?m trying not to think about it, and waffling between that and thinking that maybe I just need to confront my feelings, have a good cry, and move on.  As I sit here listening to the crickets, I?m thinking it?s best I just pour myself another glass of wine, and head on up to bed.  Tomorrow?s got to be better.  Right?

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Re: Tonight?s been a tough night

  • CaptainSeriousCaptainSerious member

    I just wanted to update and let you all know that I'm doing much better today.  My husband came home soon after my post, and we talked and I had a good cry.  I guess I just needed the release.

    I went to the gym this morning, and I'm quite refreshed and in a much better place emotionally today.

    Also, I start up with my Spanish classes again tonight, so I'm moving towards being better prepared for our travels.  Yea!

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  • BB&JBB&J
    Glad to hear you're doing better today. Since we adopted and even before hand, I gained a new perspective on so many things. I'm an emotional person to begin with, but I would hear certain songs, etc. that just sent me into crying fits. I had a hard time understanding the "greater meaning" to any child left alone and why their start in life was so difficult. There was a song that I listened to at the time that referred to "tears that fell from your eyes were the ones that heaven cries for the children left to walk alone". Still can't listen to that song without tearing up.

    When we were in China waiting for our daughter to be brought to us, I cried for her and for what she would be feeling.....taken away from everything that she knew, placed into the arms of strangers who looked nothing like her and coming to terms with the fact that this was our dream, not necessarily hers. Of course on a rational level, we knew we'd be able to give her a life she probably would have never known in China, but my heart just ached for her.

    By the way, the end of the song that I mentioned earlier is "Shine like a star, beloved child. Upon you the angels all have smiled. God takes you by the hand, dance for joy little lamb, in the arms of God forever more".

    Here's to a better day!

    BB&J

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  • karalee402karalee402
    I'm so glad you posted a follow up!  It is so hard - it has to be especially hard waiting to be able to parent.  Just know you're not alone!  This board is great for that:)  Keep us posted!
    "Our children are not ours because they share our genes... they are ours because we have had the audacity to envision them. That, at the end of the day...or long sleepless night, is how love really works." Adoption Consultant Blog
    Personal Adoption Blog
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  • RanitaRanita

    Hey Captain...glad you're feeling better today and yesterday was tough for me too.  DH found a news article about a man in Colombia who had an affair, fathered a child and therefore wanted the child to 'disappear'...he and his crew are now facing criminal charges and extensive jail time - obviously.  But hearing that story broke my heart so completely.  I and longing to hold my child and grieving for all of those that we can't provide a home to.
    I'm glad we're going through this together and I'm really glad that your DH got home and you could decompress a bit.  Be nice to yourself today and I'll pray that you and your child find your way together sooner than you could ask or imagine.
    hugs

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  • CaptainSeriousCaptainSerious member

    Thanks, everybody.  I really meant it below, when I said that it helps to know that the rest of you on this board understand.  It?s so nice to know that I can find support here.

    In all honesty, I almost didn?t post, because I didn?t want to come across as frequently whiny, but I needed to know that someone out there might ?get? how I was feeling.

    BB&J, I?d love to know what song you are referring to?I think.  It sounds so relevant, but I?m afraid that it might force me to deal with all these feelings more often, when I?d much rather repress them.  ;-)  But, seriously, it sounds so sweet.

    Karalee, I felt I had to let you all know that I rebounded by this morning.  I?d hate to be the one who only cries out when I?m sad.

    Ranita, I?m sorry you were having a rough night, too.  Our paths seem so similar.  I am very grateful for your prayers, and please know that I pray for everyone here, too!  By the way, from where in Canada are you?

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  • kirstenw05kirstenw05
    Hi Captain...sorry to be late in the game here, my internet was down for 6 hours (how did we ever live without it). Anyway, I really wanted to just say a few short things:

    1) you give some of the best advice on this board. Remember some of your own words, that there are always ups and downs on this journey, and each one is to be felt completely and given its acknowledgment.  As hard as it is, it is a process.

    2) I love that your church takes the time to pray for people who need it -and in most churches I've been in, you may even want them to pray for you with tears streaming down your cheeks, but they dont have to know why - they dont need the details - but they almost always have love and understanding for a person needing prayer. This is the perfect setting for letting it all out!! I cant tell you how many times I have cried in church just from the weight of the world and the knowledge of how many people are out there that are all the things you listed...its ok, ESPECIALLY in that environment

    3) you are human. Those tears are GOOD FOR YOU and they remind us of our humanity and what a capacity of love we have for one another

    4) Drink up! A good glass/bottle of red wine can do a world of good.

    Hope this isnt a day late and a dollar short - I just especially wanted to make the point about church...the whole purpose of its existance is to be a place where people can experience love and let the cares of the world go. 

    Cheers,
    Kirsten
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