Ilumine- follow up to "How to Balance?"
I just had the opportunity to read the responses to post from last night and wanted to answer your questions, and add a little clarification. DH has 2 ex-wives so there are a 16 and 20 yr old from ex #1 and a younger kids from 2nd wife under 7yrs old both.
1) Has their father ever done Easter Baskets by himself since the divorce? - Father did baskets for older set of kids when he was remarried to wife #2, not sure if on his own or with her help. (She didn't even have pics of them up on their walls - shame on DH for not insisting but that is another story).He does baskets for younger ones without me having to tell him.
2) What are the actual ages of all the kids? 20 , 16, and two that are under 7yrs old.
3) Did you actually TELL your SD that you were doing this before you sprung the whole "what else can I do a week before Easter" discussion?- When we first arranged Spring Break with EVERYONE coming here her and I talked about it and she even went with me to pick up the little ones character baskets for us to fill. We talked about it then, because she mentioned the 16 yr old having to have a basket too. Then in passing said and we all must have a hollow chocolate rabbit too. I was glad to have the info and said "absolutely". It was a fun trip that day.
4) Do you even have a paternal relationship with these Adults (20 is an adult)? I mean I am a StepMom, but I have to say it was very condesending to give a grown woman a childs gift that is normally given by a parent.- I'm not sure I understand this question....I have a friend relationship with her. She shares some pretty ugly information with me vs. her dad. She seems pretty comfortable with me. She is 20 in actual age, but I'm not sure if you know what I mean when I say she is not 20 in real life. She is very child like in a lot of ways and enjoys attention almost like someone that is starved for attention. She definatley wouldn't have taken offense or thought I was being condesending by giving her an Easter basket. I think maybe she just didn't expect her mom to this year, and was surprised when she found out so now mine wasn't a big deal.
I don't need oohs and ahhs and "credit" for doing something like an Easter basket, I genuinely enjoy doing that kind of thing. I was just kinda stunned by her flippant remark and dismissal. I hope that makes sense.
Re: Ilumine- follow up to "How to Balance?"
With that information, I do change my opinion a bit. Your SD's response was rude and you should feel hurt.
BUT, my comments about realistic expectations STILL stand. Case in point spending so much time and putting so much thought into the baskets. I know that you are not doing it to get credit (I never said that). But by putting all that effort into the project, you are EXTREMELY INVESTED - which will heighten your expectaitons of the responses. This is human nature. We do it at work, we do it with friends and we do it with families.
When we don't get an equal amount of appreciation to the amount of energy we put forth it hurts.
But that does not mean that the other person is automatically rude or purposefully hurtful or even wrong in not going gaga.
And all I was trying to get across is that you think about your audience when you decide on how far to go with your actions. (In your case, you were quite fine in putting together the baskets and should have at least gotten a thank you).
Have you actually SAID something to her about it? I know that I have had to talk to my SD about some of her interactions with me.
You are so right about the being "invested". I am learning there is a difference in helping out dad with the kids and investing too much of myself into the situation. I just have a hard time (totally my issue and I'm working on it) with me being an all or nothing person. I do invest my entire self into something or someone I care about. Typically if I don't feel it is going well, then I do the total other end of the spectrum and do NOTHING. So I'm an all or nothing person, and gotta figure out how to balance a lot more.
I did not say anything to her about the comment at the time. It was before bed and we left at 4am the next day to take her to the airport. Instead I jumped on this board to "check myself" and see if you guys thought I was dumb,crazy, whatever for letting such a thing bug me. then went to bed. I don't like making mountains out of mole hills so I probably won't say anything. If it happens again I'll just maybe ask her if she realizes how what she is saying sounds and tell her how it sounds to me. Hopefully that is a constructive way of handling it. She probably hasn't thought twice about it and I feel like and idiot for still thinking about it.