Frustrated with parenting - need advice
I normally found that as soon as I brought up something I've been struggling with parenting a toddler, she changes her behavior. This one is too frustrating for me to tackle alone though. Over about the last week and a half, I've noticed big changes in Nora. She is saying some very intelligent and insightful things which makes me believe she just went through a big development spurt.
She is so angry and disagreeable all of a sudden. I can handle the verbal disagreeing but I cannot handle the physical stuff she's been pulling. When it's time to brush teeth (which she's never had a problem with before), I've been having to physically restrain her to brush since she won't cooperate. Last night I couldn't handle her kicking at me so I just put her into bed with no brushing. This morning when it was time to get dressed, she fought her way out of my arms and curled up naked in a ball on the floor. I really don't think she's finding enjoyment or amusement by acting like this. She screams like someone is hurting her and sobs.
It's not just me that she's doing this with, she fights DH as well. Yesterday, when she spent the day with my parents, my Mom couldn't get her to use the bathroom all day, so my near completely potty-trained toddler had to wear a diaper all day. She's been pulling the potty stuff at home too. All of a sudden she refuses not to go.
I'm starting to feel sick to my stomach when I have to face a long period of time being left alone with her. I hate feeling like this.
Has anyone gone through this and have any advice. We've tried everything and are at the end of our rope. The time outs and such aren't working. I've been leaving her alone when she starts acting up. I just walk out of the room. This isn't really helping either though.
HELP!
Re: Frustrated with parenting - need advice
I was afraid someone was going to say it was an age three thing. I've been doing something similar with Nora by saying to come out when she's happy. I even turned her time-out chair into her "happy chair". No dice though. Thanks for the inupt.
This is something I saw on "The Doctors" yesterday. I have obvioulsy never tried because we aren't there yet...but I thought it was worth mentioning.
The pediatrician on the show said that if a kid is going through a phase where they don't listen to a parent or authority figure to put the command on something else. For example, set an egg timer to go off and that means it's time to go to the bathroom, or brush your teeth or whatever need to be done. I guess it turns it into more of a game than being told what to do. HTH, and good luck. I'm sure I'll be in your shoes very soon!
And, FWIW, she is still the cutest little thing ever!
It sounds like it is a control thing. Maybe you could start giving her more choices so she feels like she is in control. For instance, ask her if she wants to brush her teeth or change her diaper first. She has a little time to think about it, and if she doesn't pick one, you or Dad get to pick. Maybe do the same with the diapers. Ask her if she wants to go on the potty or wear a diaper. One of the things I struggle with when Adah is acting out is to remember to be sympathetic/empathetic. If you can find the patience, try to get down and hug her and say that you are sorry that she is upset/frustrated/mad and ask what you can do to help.
Sorry you are going through this...I know being pg makes patience even more thin and days seem so long. Hugs!
My sister also has said 3 was the hardest with her kids. I think it's the age of power struggles. I agree that choices might help. Also, maybe you've tried this, but have you tried letting her brush her own teeth (maybe while you brush yours) so it's a fun big-girl thing? Maybe that kind of thing would help.
Photo by Melissa Nicole Photography
options didn't work out so well for us to start off with. But once she got done with her tantrum and came out of her room calmer then we could give her the options and she would pick one.
Putting a time limit on it didn't help us either. In the beginning these tantrums could last up to an hour - we would check on her occasionally. As time went on and she understood that the tantrums didn't work with us, they got shorter and shorter. By the end they would only last a few minutes.
She did the same thing, kicking and screaming etc. It was AWFUL and really hard to keep our sanity, but it did get better.
I like this idea. I'm going to try this.
You're right, it is hard to remember this sometimes when they are acting out. DH said the sweetest thing the other day, he kneeled down and said to Nora, "it's really hard to get bigger isn't it?" She just smiled and said, "uh-huh."
Aww, no advice here, but I can only imagine how frustrating that is. I wonder if she is doing it for attention? With a new baby on the way, maybe she senses things are going to change and she won't always be the center of attention.
I like the egg-timer idea! GL with everything!
How frustrating for you! This is a tough problem.
I think Mrs.Cooley and Pinkylu are right on. Timers are often great for kids and takes the bossiness off the parents. Also, providing kids with choices is key. She can brush her teeth before or after putting on jammies. With the pink brush or the yellow one, etc.
Also, I just wanted to challenge your happy chair idea. I'm not crazy about Nora coming out of her chair/room when she's happy because I think it sets an unrealistic expectation. All emotions are acceptable and normal - it's only the expression of them that we should be trying to curb. She should be allowed to be angry/obstinate/upset. But there are ways to express it appropriately and ways to express it that are not acceptable.
When I read your post the impression I got was that maybe Nora is getting the message that only "Happy Nora" is acceptable when in reality we have to teach our kids that being angry (or whatever other crummy emotion they are experiencing) is okay but there are still behavioral expectations even when you're feeling crummy. So instead of saying, "Come out when you're happy" maybe saying something like "I understand you're angry/frustrated/(insert emotion) because (insert situation) you would rather play than get ready for bed but kicking is not acceptable no matter how angry you are. You can come out of your room when you stop hitting and kicking." That way you have acknowledged her emotions, validated them, told her it's okay to feel that way but that you still expect her to behave in a certain manner. I hope that makes sense.
DD started with similar behavior shortly before she turned three. With her it was all about the control and the attention. After a while I was able to get a hang of what things would cause meltdowns and head them off by giving her options or finding ways to make it "her idea."
When she went into full tantrum mode we tried everything but eventually realized that letting her get it out of her system and leaving her alone worked the best. In my case I think a lot of it had to do with the lack of control she felt in her life because I was pregnant and then she had a new sibling in the house.
It took a good year for things to smooth out and she still has the random meltdown every six months or so. If she's as stubborn as my DD then I truly feel for you. I learned early on to pick my battles in order to save my own sanity. So perhaps letting her slide on things like brushing the teeth once in a while might help. Hang in there!
I figured as much, but just thought I'd mention it. We are actually having a similar tooth-brushing battle at our house right now, though I think it's mostly a bedtime stalling tactic. Ellie will still hold it, but just gaze at it lovingly. When you actually try to move it toward her mouth, all hell breaks loose. I am thinking of taking Ellie to pick out a new toothbrush herself and see if that helps at all.
Do you think it's a reaction to the changes she has coming her way? Or maybe it's just the age.
Photo by Melissa Nicole Photography
This is good advice. My mom is a social worker and works with lots of parents and families, we talk a lot about acknowledging Maggie's emotions to her especially when she's frustrated or angry even when it doesn't make sense to the adult why they are feeling that way.
Your whole explanation of this is spot on....this is really helpful. In the heat of the moment, it's these things I think but I can't express to her because I'm so wound up. I'm printing this out to keep on our fridge. Thanks.
I think this may have a lot to do with it as well and it also has a lot to do with the fact that I feel like I don't have alot of control over her physically. I think she sees my weakness and is taking advantage of it.
Hahaha....this made me laugh because Nora used to do this all the time. Totally stalling!
I am so glad you posted this, you got so many great responses.
The only thing I would like to add is you are not alone. I have my moments with Jack too, although I am lucky, he is generally pretty laid back and doesn't challenge me too much....but Sawyer on the other hand... I am in for it!
Keep your head up, it will get better. I think what Eric said to her was the sweetest thing, and soooo true!
This is the ONLY way to get Eli to brush and we do it together. Now if he doesn't do it good enough I give him my brush, I take his and we take turns brushing each other's teeth. Sometimes he kills my gums doing it, but at least his teeth are brushed and no screaming.
E is also going through this. He was the BEST behaved child before and now he purposefully ignores every word we say. So much so that DH is now afriad to take him on the cruise that we were planning. I have noticed he acts worst out in public, so I started doing time out in public now... yes I have turned into one of those people. Last night at Wal-Mart I made him sit in a corner for a minute or so until he agreed to get up and behave (and I am shocked to say that worked). Also I have no qualms about saying we bribe him! Lots and lots of bribes! Stickers are a favorite bribe at our house.
Elijah Matthew - 5/3/07 ~ Adalyn Rosemary - 3/23/11
*Photos by Kacy Cierley*