Talk some sense into me, please.
emilykristene2006
member
I realize I will probably get flamed, but you ladies can give some great advice. Even if it can be harsh. Before I go on, I must tell you that I have anxiety issues, also.
Some of you may remember the fear I have of DD being molested. My mom was molested by her own father and uncle for many years. From a very young age it was drilled into me that no one touches me and if they do to tell someone. I was literally drilled every 6 months or so, "Has anyone touched you?" "Are you sure?" "Would you tell me?"
I'm sure it's because of this that I have a very huge fear of something happening to DD. So bad, that we have only let one person (my aunt) watch the kids in 4 years. I can honestly say that I don't even 100% trust my DH, Dad or brother. I would like to think my DH would not do anything to her, but I feel like I cannot let my guard down. I don't sit around worrying that DH will do something to her, though.
I just started doing research for the public school options for DD for next year. I started to get pretty anxious thinking about DD in school. Alone. Will a teacher, guidance counselor, principal have the ability to be alone with my daughter? With any child?
She is currently in a 3 year old program at a church for 3 hours a day 3 days a week. I asked certain questions up front and felt comfortable that the school is locked from just anyone coming in. There are only 3 classrooms with 10-12 kids in them. I sometimes find myself worrying about people coming in off the street and getting into the school area. I don't freak out or anything. I just find myself thinking about it.
So, I know these thoughts are irrational. Completely irrational! I just do not know how to move past them. I know this is something to talk to my therapist about, but that appointment is not for another 2 weeks. So to keep me from obsessing, this will have to do.
I know a couple of you have had some issues. How do you not obsess? Can you trust anyone with your children? Do you worry? PM if you want.
I so wish I was in the camp of not having to worry about this! And now I am scared to hit post.
Re: Talk some sense into me, please.
I am going to tell you this from the personal experience of a teacher teaching a kinder with a parent like this. You have to get help for this. Honestly. The student that I had ended up emotionally disturbed....I am not saying your child is going to end up like this, but I truly think the student that I had, her parent meant well. She really did. But she was so freaked out about her past that it impacted her childs well being.
As I tried to tell this parent, one day, her house may catch on fire and her child was going to run from help, because this parent had made her so paranoid of everyone. She told me that one time she yelled at a guy at a dougnut shop because she "could see it in his eyes"
Needless to say, this parent went through some pretty tramatic things but this abuse ended up hindering her own child.
Your heart is soooo in the right place of protectiing your child but you don't want that "protection" to go so far to the other direction that you prevent your child from normal every day life.
Good luck.
This is an anxiety that I'd seek some counseling over. It may be irrational, but the fear for you is real and if you don't address it, could grow, worsen and impact not only you, but your daughter. I can't imagine my mother asking you the questions yours asked you over and over again--it clearly left an impression on you and is the basis, I'm guessing, for your fear.
My first goal would be to get my own fear under control so I don't pass it along to my daughter the way my mom did to me.
I'm sorry you're dealing w/ this fear; I can't imagine not trusting my own husband w/ my child's safety.
I worry about dc as well. I think, to an extent, it's normal for a mother to worry about something horrific happening. That being said, if it's to the point that you are concerned to leave them with their own father and there is no reason to worry other than what has been drilled into your head, then maybe counseling is needed? It's not fair to your dh or dad to be a suspect for no crime, ya know? It is terrifying to send the kids out into the world... first stop kindergarten. The best you can do is educate your dd (without freaking her out) and maintain an open relationship with her... and pray. I hate to think of anything happening. But we don't live in a bubble. I cannot keep dc in a bubble forever... no matter how much I'd love to.
don't feel scared to post this. I'm sure there are a number of moms who can relate in some way. I have that fear with pools. My dad found his mom dead in a bathtub (aneurysm, but in a full tub)... he freaked out if I was going swimming or even just going to the beach for a party... if I was in the tub for more than 10 minutes he'd knock on the door and ask if I was okay... every 5 or 10 minutes. I'm not a strong swimmer b/c of it. I get anxious in the water. I try really hard to calm myself when the kids are in the pool. I don't want them to feel that anxiety. but it's hard. Hence lessons from someone else. I need to step away and let a pro teach them. Not that it's the same... it is a fear that has been blown up into an unhealthy level of fear.
(((hugs)))
And I guess I should clear up the part about DH. I am not afraid to leave her with him. I guess I just mean it's in the back of my head that everyone and anyone can do this. And I just don't think I can ever trust 100% that he won't. I guess that's hard to explain. He is alone with her plenty and does the bedtime routine. I don't dwell on it or even think about it often. Just knowing that it could be a possibility. Does that make sense?
I am seeing a therapist. Guess this is something I really need to address. And keep addressing it until it's fixed.
well, maybe ask the therapist what is an age appropriate way to address this with dd without freaking her out. explain how it was drilled into you and how it makes you feel. definitely address your feelings over this with him/her.
Do I have to drive down there and smack you upside the head?? ?Because you know I will!!
You know my past - and oddly, while I know it's a possibility for my DD, my DS, me, hell every damned person I know - I'm not stressed about it in the least. ?I don't feel knotted up about it, I only twice have ever had the passing "what if". ?You have to figure out how to somehow unknot tension about it and get back to being the calm, logical mom that I know damn well is in there. ?You also have to come to grips with the fact that it might happen. ?No matter what any of us do, it might happen - and it might be a woman who does it, not a man. ?
I am cautious and don't trust many people until they give me reason to do so. ?I am calm and reasonable when talking about things with DD (like randomly asking who else changed her diapers at daycare, etc) ?- and then I change the topic and we play. ?No biggie. I will do the same with DS.
My train of thought just derailed, I had a point somewhere....?
Kori- how the hell do you not obsess? Seriously. You are a victim and you're fine. It was not even done to me and I'm freaked out about it.
I don't drill DD even when I want to. Trust me, I want to. So maybe a part of me has some of it under control? I just need to get the fear of it out of me. So far I am not screwing her up? maybe I'm not going to and I will just drive myself completely insane? Gah! I hate felling like this.
Oh, and bring it on girl. You have the address!
Because I know damned well that it's something none of us has full control over. ?Why should I waste my energy trying to control something that is not able to be controlled? ?Think about it like all the girls with 8 page birth plans - we can't control most of that sh*t, right? ?So I focus on what I CAN control, which is making sure that my kids feel like they can openly talk to us, making sure they are cautious and don't just run off with people, bla bla. ?
I get the distinct feeling that your what ifs may be worse than my facts. ?I know what happened to me and what could (and does) happen to others - you have been berated into being terrified of the unknown that might not ever happen. ?You're what if-ing yourself into a tizzy, mydear!!! ?
You know you need to figure out a way to get past it - or even welcome it and move on. ?That in itself is huge and you know that. ?I think your DD will be fine as long as she can't tell you're freaking out.
Holy crap about welcoming it and moving on. I guess kind of like being told to embrace the labor pains.
I have a huge problem with control. My mom also passed other fears onto me. Others that also keep me from doing many things. OMG I have got to let this go! I know I have no control. None. And that is what scares the *** *** out of me.
I have been doing well with the whole "I can only control my reaction" thing I have been working on for a few months. I need to work that into this situation. I have made so much progress in other areas that I cannot let this be the one thing I cannot overcome.
Well, what else are you going to do? ?Let it sit and fester even longer, making you essentially miss out on watching and helping your kids grow up because you're stuck? ?You cannot let that happen. ?
If I sit there and obsess over it, that means he wins. ?He has destroyed me. ?It is and always will be a part of who I am, though, for good and for bad. ?I have bad days. ?I have days where I can't let DH near me. ?There are some songs I cannot listen to. ?But I simply can't let it take me over or I may as well drive off a cliff. ?
You say you're doing well with some of this. ?This is good!!!!! ?You know, I think you should print all of this out and show it to your therapist. ?
Your mom is/was screwed up, and for good reason. ?Somehow you need to separate yourself from her - YOU are ok! ?YOU are fine! ?And you will beat this down to a bloody pulp. ?I know you will.
(ok really, sorry it's so disjointed, I'm tired)
Hugs! That must be so hard. I have some difficult anxiety issues that rear their head under certain conditions (not related to abuse, but medical issues) and I have taken the medicine Luvox, which has helped. Obviously this is not a replacement for therapy, which you already have.
I'm only saying this because my issues have involved obsessive like thoughts that have impacted my life negatively. So even though the trigger is different for you and me it sounds somewhat similar. You already know you need to be in therapy for this...maybe some medicine would also help you control these obsessions so the worry was at a reasonable level. We all worry some about these things happening, but you know your worry is out of proportion to the threat your kids face day to day (especially if you worry about your DH!) That must be so so so hard for you!
Wow you're good. I should just start paying you. I need to separate myself from her in so many ways and this is a start.
Once again girl, thank you! But you can still come down and visit you know.
eh, I talk the big talk. ?The walk, not so much LOL ?
You know I'm not trying to be a big meanie and all. ?I think you take things better when people are honest and to the point. ?So if I set off any 'oh hell no kill that Kori person" I apologize. ?I know you'll be ok. ?You're stubborn, that works in your favor chica!
I need sleep but you know how to find me if you're not done for tonight ok?
BTW, how goes it with the paint ? ?Maybe that would help for tonight!
Meds would be great if I could take them. What do you do when you're afraid of medication? I had a bad reaction to welbutrin. Then to motrin which I have taken for years, mucinex and even pamprin. After all of these reactions I found out I have an autoimmune disorder. Sjogren's and I'm borderline Lupus. From what I understand, my body reacts to medication differently because of this. I have not had anything, even a glass of wine in over a year because of the reactions.
Nice. I'm more messed up than I realized.
I get things when people give it to me straight. Always have so I don't think you're a meanie at all.
I need to get some acrylics. I *think* I am getting some for my birthday. Hopefully!
Kori, I just emailed you my *creation*.
It's okay. You can laugh with me.
Oh that's tough. Because it isn't a replacement for therapy at all, but it can help take the edge off the OCD (in my case and it sounds like in yours it was confined to obsessive fears) and allow you to really work through the issues in therapy.
But there may be some more natural therapies if your up for that too...could you see a naturopath in addition to your therapist? I know that sounds like kooky advice for something so serious but relief can come in unusual places sometimes. I used to use something called "Rescue Remedy" when I was having a bad day...it helped some. It's made from flower essences. It isn't in any way a replacement for regular therapy but it can help. Even things like yoga or running, controlling sugar in your diet, eliminating all substances like caffeine, nicotine etc can help.
The fact that you know this is a problem means you've won a huge part of the battle!
I'll have to look into natural therapies. I didn't even think about that. I could go for a valium, though!
I also need to get my butt back to meditating. I'm actually glad I hit post. I have so much to work on and you guys have really helped. Thanks ladies!
don't pass this on to your daughter, the way your mom did to you. you owe your daughter that. you owe your husband that too. also, you are living in fear... but it is self inflicted.
hope you will get some help with this.
((hugs))
I have some irrational fears when it comes to who I leave my boys with. When I feel those fears creeping up, I rely heavily on my DH, who is my barometer for normal behavior.
I would just be brutally honest with your therapist. Tell him or her everything you said here and go from there. I think you need to give yourself some credit for recognizing your fears and wanting to get help. That is a big first step!
I'll be thinking of you!