And for the record, the first post I ever saw from you was you venting about being pregnant because you didn't know if you were ready even though you'd planned it. This was three weeks ago.
So it's okay for YOU to feel this way, but not for her? Nice.
Well her 'friend' probably expects sympathy now though, jeez
:edit: OP, If you don't understand how a miscarriage can affect somebody, wanted pregnancy or not, then perhaps do some reading on the matter before you offend other women on here with your ignorance.
If someone made comments that I thought was her saying she did not want her baby and then she m/c'd I think I'd be confused as the OP was as to the emotion of the other person after the loss.
She outright said they have every right to grieve in any way possible but also said she was confused as to the girl acting like she was unhappy with being pregnant and then being devastated at the loss. How is that hard to understand?
I think you all jumped on this girl without maybe reading what she said and how she said it.
Sure, I wouldn't judge someone's loss but I might be confused if I knew this person as well as she knows her.
Many women are upset when they get a BFP. Some woman say outright that they are not ready; they don't want the baby, etc. However, time can change things. Even if they were still unsure, when you lose that baby, it puts things into perspective. Sometimes it takes losing something to really know how much you wanted it.
I don't care what her friend said or how she said it. The OP is completely out of line. She said that she cannot feel completely sorry for the friend because of previous statements. That's selfish and offensive.
She said that she doesn't want to be judged "because you don't know me". That statement fits in with the recent 17 year old debates. She sure chose to judge her "friend" didn't she?
If I had a friend like the OP, I would never speak to her again. The "friend" does not need a person in her life like the OP. I've been through 4 m/c. They have been by far the most devastating things that I have ever experienced. Support is what this "friend" needs. Not condemnation.
One will never know how it feels to have a m/c unless they themselves have had one. If you think you are on an emotional rollercoaster pregnant it doesn't even compare to a m/c. As everyday passes and you body "disposes" of what once was your "baby" you have to deal with one emotion after another.
A) I lovingly refer to my little one as a parasite only because even though I am so thankful he or she is growing at a wonderful rate, I am losing weight because of severe m/s. That doesn't mean I love my beautiful little baby any less.
Unless you have experienced a loss before, I would suggest you keep your opinions on the matter to yourself.
Have you ever been told your baby has died but he/she is still inside you? It is a devastating experience. You feel like a failure as a woman. Our bodies were designed to make babies, yet some of us have to deal with the trauma and loss of losing the babies we so desperately want. Just imagine that for a second.
So unless you've experienced loss, YOU SHOULD NOT JUDGE THOSE WHO HAVE.
BFP 12/18/2009. HB 1/4/2010. NO HB 1/18/2010. D&C 1/19/2010
April 2011 IUI #1 BFN. High FSH and other issues.
May 2011 Chose to build our family through adoption
September 2011 Actively waiting for a match
11/26/11 Surprise BFP * DD born 7/23/12
1. I can see how someone would say a baby is a parasite, in fact I joked about it being so before I got PG and my husband and I still joke around about it.
2. I can not even fathom what it would be like to have my child dead inside of me while waiting for a D&C or natural MC. I can feel 100% sorry for anyone who has to deal with a loss and I seriously question someone who can't. You should be ashamed for posting this, it was quite insensitive.
to add to this 1: technically if you go look up the definition of parasite you would see that it says an organism living in/with/on another organism. Therefore it is a "parasite" but it's one we all hope for and love from the moment we know.
to add to this 2: I had to wait for a month after finding out that my baby had been dead for 2 weeks before I got my D&C, that's a total of 6 weeks and it was 6 weeks of absolute hell.
At the original poster: Don't say something like this without having been there yourself.
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Really though, you wouldn't be confused if she was upset over being pregnant but then also upset about the loss? I can kind of understand both but it makes it seem like they didn't want the baby in the first place depending on wording.
No, I would not be confused. Even people who have abortions grieve the loss of the child. Imagine if it wasn't even your choice.And still what business is it of hers or anyone's to say how someone is allowed to feel?
I'm tardy to the party, but I wanted to thank POF for everything she said in this thread. OP, as everyone has told you, it's simply not your place to judge anyone's reaction to the death of her child, whether you like how she talked about that child before it died or not, whether she was happy about that child initially or not. It is impossible for you to understand the complexity of your friend's emotions unless you've been there yourself, and neither how she talked about her baby before nor how she grieves now effects you in any way. Her loss is not yours to vent about. I just pray that this grieving mother has some real friends who are supportive of her in this time.
I think you need to STFU. You don't understand how hard loss is. FWIW I am going through my SECOND loss and posts like this make me sick. All people need when they go through a loss is support not vents or sh!t like that. You are obviously not a good friend at all.
Forever buddy to Angelica; Natural Miscarriage Jan. 2008 @ 11 weeks; 2 years of BFFN's; DX: Unexplained IF (RE thinks IF is due to tubal issues); IUI #1 & 2= BFFN; IUI#3 = BFP, resulted in Cornual ectopic pregnancy; IUI #4 - 6 =BFFN; Our next endeavor... IVF. 1 grade AA embryo transferred on 4-23-2011 and 5 frosties. BFP Abby born 1/5/2012
I jokingly refer to my child as a parasite, too. I mean, technically it feeds off of me and if I'm not getting the nutrients it needs from food, it will leech it from my body.
Sometimes people refer to their children in these types of ways as a defense mechanism--to try to emotionally protect themselves in case something goes wrong or a fear of admitting how much they want the child. It doesn't make them a bad person or not ready to be a mom. It makes them human.
And you know what? It does suck to have to carry a child in your body who is dead/dying.
Re: ::opens the can to vent:: i'm confused (m/c)
Well her 'friend' probably expects sympathy now though, jeez
:edit: OP, If you don't understand how a miscarriage can affect somebody, wanted pregnancy or not, then perhaps do some reading on the matter before you offend other women on here with your ignorance.
Many women are upset when they get a BFP. Some woman say outright that they are not ready; they don't want the baby, etc. However, time can change things. Even if they were still unsure, when you lose that baby, it puts things into perspective. Sometimes it takes losing something to really know how much you wanted it.
I don't care what her friend said or how she said it. The OP is completely out of line. She said that she cannot feel completely sorry for the friend because of previous statements. That's selfish and offensive.
She said that she doesn't want to be judged "because you don't know me". That statement fits in with the recent 17 year old debates. She sure chose to judge her "friend" didn't she?
If I had a friend like the OP, I would never speak to her again. The "friend" does not need a person in her life like the OP. I've been through 4 m/c. They have been by far the most devastating things that I have ever experienced. Support is what this "friend" needs. Not condemnation.
I said that when pregnant. I loved her just the same. If you think about it, they kind of are...
A) I lovingly refer to my little one as a parasite only because even though I am so thankful he or she is growing at a wonderful rate, I am losing weight because of severe m/s. That doesn't mean I love my beautiful little baby any less.
Have you ever been told your baby has died but he/she is still inside you? It is a devastating experience. You feel like a failure as a woman. Our bodies were designed to make babies, yet some of us have to deal with the trauma and loss of losing the babies we so desperately want. Just imagine that for a second.
So unless you've experienced loss, YOU SHOULD NOT JUDGE THOSE WHO HAVE.
BFP 12/18/2009. HB 1/4/2010. NO HB 1/18/2010. D&C 1/19/2010
April 2011 IUI #1 BFN. High FSH and other issues.
May 2011 Chose to build our family through adoption
September 2011 Actively waiting for a match
11/26/11 Surprise BFP * DD born 7/23/12
to add to this 1: technically if you go look up the definition of parasite you would see that it says an organism living in/with/on another organism. Therefore it is a "parasite" but it's one we all hope for and love from the moment we know.
to add to this 2: I had to wait for a month after finding out that my baby had been dead for 2 weeks before I got my D&C, that's a total of 6 weeks and it was 6 weeks of absolute hell.
At the original poster: Don't say something like this without having been there yourself.
No, I would not be confused. Even people who have abortions grieve the loss of the child. Imagine if it wasn't even your choice.And still what business is it of hers or anyone's to say how someone is allowed to feel?
I've also jokingly called LO a parasite.
I jokingly refer to my child as a parasite, too. I mean, technically it feeds off of me and if I'm not getting the nutrients it needs from food, it will leech it from my body.
Sometimes people refer to their children in these types of ways as a defense mechanism--to try to emotionally protect themselves in case something goes wrong or a fear of admitting how much they want the child. It doesn't make them a bad person or not ready to be a mom. It makes them human.
And you know what? It does suck to have to carry a child in your body who is dead/dying.