Austin Babies

email back from MIL......

Hi!

I wished I would have known sooner that your mom and brother were going to come here for Easter.  D (DH's aunt) has planned Easter at her house at noon on Sunday two weeks ago.  If we were going to have Easter at our house, I wouldn't mind inviting her, but with it being at D's - I do feel like I'd be
imposing at this late date because I know she was ordering some of the food with the number of people she plans on.

Please understand - (FIL) has real concerns about your mom's sincerity
after the wedding incidents and hearing about some of things you had to
endure growing up - it is really hard for him to find much compassion for
her, because he thinks so much of you.  He is getting better believe it or
not and I am all for a get together when an opportunity comes up.  I just
don't think I can ask D to include 5 more people to a dinner she has
planned at this point.  If it were, P and T, K and T, or
S and I - it would be a different story.

I did email S to ask what he thought - and he, too feels like because
it is at D's, it would be too much of an imposition because plans have
already been made.

I agree with you - it would be nice to all get together, hopefully, it will
work out next time.
Love,
MIL

 No, 'why dont you stop by after we eat, we'll visit' or 'let's gtg on saturday instead' nothing like that.  I know it's a dinner, but I also know everyone is bringing something, pot luck style, so I don't think it would cause the imposition she is saying.  I'm tired of trying, I really am.  Should I say anything back?  I'm not lookig forward to trying to come up with a reason why we aren't all gettig together so my mom and brother won't get their feelings hurt.  UGH.  

Re: email back from MIL......

  • I'm so sorry.  That sounds like such a hard situation to be in - you are so lucky to have such a wonderful MIL and FIL who, I can tell love you and want to protect you.  That, in itself, is amazing.  Hopefully in the future they (your IL's) can learn to let go of the past but it doesn't seem as if they're ready to do that yet.  I'm sorry bride...hopefully things will look up soon.

    ((hugs))

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  • If you really want to try, I would invite them to do something on Saturday or, if you feel comfortable, ask your dh's aunt directly if you could come to her house.  I'd emphasize to your MIL that you understand and appreciate how your FIL feels, but its also important to you to be able to repair the relationships and move forward and that means being able to all be together.  And throw in something about how nice it would be for her grandson to see that his grandparents can all be together for his sake, you know, grandparent guilt.
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  • That just sucks.  I don't know what to say about it.  Since she did offer to all get together, I'd say that you and your mom and brother will come by after they all are done eating.

    I am so, so sorry that you are being put in this situation.  You don't deserve this.  I would scream.

  • Now I'm confused.  Did you get invited to Easter at D's?  Did you already have plans to spend Easter with your ILs?  Is your MIL backing out of something you already had plans to do together?  I think you made a valiant effort to bring everyone together and it just didn't work this time.  I think you have two options:

    1) Stir the pot a bit and say you know how they feel about your mom, and you're really glad they brought it up so you can start to talk about it openly, and that you appreciate that she agrees with you about getting together.  Say that it is important to you to start mending this bridge and that you would like to make a baby step in that direction.  Then propose something for Saturday with a fixed time limit, like an hour at the park or ice cream at Amy's or something like that.  Make sure the amount of time you spend together is fixed and agreed upon at the outset and don't go past that even if everyone seems to be getting along and having fun.  This is about baby steps, not permanently resolving the rift. 

    2)  Let it go and give ILs more notice when your mother and brother are next in town.  Don't lie to your mom and brother - just say they have plans with DH's aunt and won't be able to join us.

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  • imagecia:

    2)  Let it go and give ILs more notice when your mother and brother are next in town.  Don't lie to your mom and brother - just say they have plans with DH's aunt and won't be able to join us.

    It sounds like you didn't have plans with your IL's to begin with so try to not be hurt they aren't available. It is just a few days notice and some people do feel uncomfortable asking to bring others along when they are going somewhere. Why don't you plan something at your house for a future time when everyone has time to plan.
  • mcgeemcgee member

    Hmmm.... I do understand the whole "I can't impose on the hostess and bring five extra people," except that this is your husband's aunt. In my family, that would be no big deal. It's not like she'd be asking to bring strangers. It's family.

    Honestly, I'd give up trying at this point. They don't like her. Their opinions aren't going to change because they aren't giving her the chance to interact with them and prove that she can be a decent person. As for what to say to your mother, I'd probably lie and say that they're OOT or something to keep the peace over the holiday.

    However, at some point, I think you are going to have to be honest with your mother and tell her that your DH's parents are upset about whatever happened post-wedding, and they would rather not have a joint get together right now. In the long-run, you and DH may also have to point out that things will come up involving your DS, and they will have to choose between being there for your son and being around your mom. He may need to stress to them that you both expect them to choose your son over their feelings about your mother.

    I'm so sorry. 

     

  • I'm conflicted. Part of me thinks that it's fine (and probably good) that they are upfront about their feelings, but another part of me thinks it's kind of small of them not to try to put them aside for a day since your mom is now family too. 

    I'm really sorry that you are in the middle. I would probably not pursue it for this Easter, but maybe try another GTG later this spring. Or ask your DH what he thinks. 

    Business Cat. image
  • Totally not knowing the situation here...

    My MIL is very proper and inviting 5 people last minute would not fly at all - even if they were all family.  My MIL would absolutely have done the same thing - especially if she thought the other family member would have been imposed upon (whether that family member would think that or not.)  My family isn't that way at all, so I don't get it either but some people are like that.

    I also agree w/ others that said let this go.  Tell you mom they already had plans and couldn't have 5 more people.  Also - it sounds like you MIL was loving but honest about their feelings w/ your mom. Right or wrong, it does sound like they are not trying to push you away but are sharing their honest thoughts about the situation.  Since I have no idea what the situation w/ your mom is, I will just say that I hope you all can work it out.  If you feel your ILs are incorrect in their interpretation, then sit down and share your feelings with them at some point.  If not, then try to understand where they are coming from and if necessary, it might be worth talking to your mom about at some point.

  • imagecia:

    Now I'm confused.  Did you get invited to Easter at D's?  Did you already have plans to spend Easter with your ILs?  Is your MIL backing out of something you already had plans to do together?  I think you made a valiant effort to bring everyone together and it just didn't work this time.  I think you have two options:

    1) Stir the pot a bit and say you know how they feel about your mom, and you're really glad they brought it up so you can start to talk about it openly, and that you appreciate that she agrees with you about getting together.  Say that it is important to you to start mending this bridge and that you would like to make a baby step in that direction.  Then propose something for Saturday with a fixed time limit, like an hour at the park or ice cream at Amy's or something like that.  Make sure the amount of time you spend together is fixed and agreed upon at the outset and don't go past that even if everyone seems to be getting along and having fun.  This is about baby steps, not permanently resolving the rift. 

    2)  Let it go and give ILs more notice when your mother and brother are next in town.  Don't lie to your mom and brother - just say they have plans with DH's aunt and won't be able to join us.

    We alternate holidays and we were here last year and spent it with in laws.  We never told MIL we were going to Houston, but she just assumed we wouldn't be here since this isn't their easter.  So, I wasn't trying to invite myself, but I really didn't know what their plans were, but I was also assuming they were all getting together.  So no, she isn't backing out and we didn't have plans with them.  My mom, brother and I just decided yesterday that they would come here this weekend, so I didn't know until now.  I had asked them weeks ago b/c I did't want to have to haul DS dow to Houston, but neither mom or brother know how to make decisions.  I DID tell MIL that I had invited them up here instead, last week, but no invitation came then either. 

    I guess I just feel like they should give it a rest.  My mom didn't do anything to them or say anything to them, it was all after the wedding.  My mom accused them of "stealing" (not really stealing them from us, but from her) the wedding gifts and taking them to Austin to bring to our house.  For some reason my mom got it in her head that tradition was for the mother of the bride to take all the gifts home...I know, crazy.  That's the only thing I can think of about the wedding that they would be upset about.  I, mistakenly, told them b/c I didn't really have anyone else to talk to about what was going on since my mom and I weren't talking to each other.  And the stuff I had to endure growig up- if I can get past it, shouldn't they?  If FIL thinks so much of me then I would think he would want to make things easier for me, not harder.         

  • That's a tough one.  I guess I can see the point, hard to invite other people last minute, but my family (and DH's) include everyone regardless of last minute or not, so from that end, I don't get it.  And if she knew they were coming last week, then it should have been plenty of time to order more food or whatever.

    I understand they don't like her, but I agree, if it makes it harder for you, then they need to deal with it once in awhile.

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  • imagebrideonjuly8:
     And the stuff I had to endure growig up- if I can get past it, shouldn't they?  If FIL thinks so much of me then I would think he would want to make things easier for me, not harder.         

    I think this is a really good point and one that I was thinking of when I replied.  

    Business Cat. image
  • Thanks for explaining - I can see how you would be frustrated that they didn't take you up on getting together, especially since you brought it up a week ago as a possibility.
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  • imagebrideonjuly8:

      If FIL thinks so much of me then I would think he would want to make things easier for me, not harder.         

    Word up.

    Again, sorry you are having to deal with this.  Also, any chance we have the same mother?

  • imageMrsHoyt:

    imagebrideonjuly8:

      If FIL thinks so much of me then I would think he would want to make things easier for me, not harder.         

    Word up.

    Again, sorry you are having to deal with this.  Also, any chance we have the same mother?

    LOL!  I wish we did!  I wouldn't be the only ungrateful daughter then.  ;)

  • imagebrideonjuly8:
    imageMrsHoyt:

    imagebrideonjuly8:

      If FIL thinks so much of me then I would think he would want to make things easier for me, not harder.         

    Word up.

    Again, sorry you are having to deal with this.  Also, any chance we have the same mother?

    LOL!  I wish we did!  I wouldn't be the only ungrateful daughter then.  ;)

    Maybe you should have a talk with your IL's explaining your Side of things. Maybe they just see it as standing up for you or protecting you and don't realize how much they're actually hurting you.
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