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Blended Families
hterry85
member
Speaking of BF concerns...
hterry85
member
I briefly touched on this in phantoms post, but I really am about fed up. DH was complaining last night about dds colic and her always crying. He said something about her being a pita baby. I laughed and said it was no different than ss being a pita toddler. (He was in bed and asleep, so it's not like he was around to hear me) But THAT he took offense to. So he can call one of his kids a pita, but not the other?? We've had issues for awhile of ss jsut not listening to me. But DH backed me up for a long time. Now if I tell him something all I get from DH is "he's only 3, you yell at him for everything, no wonder he doesn't like you" or even worse "Okay, c" (refering to his sm) But I HAVE to be the one to discipline him cause DH doesn't do it! Okay, I take that back. He does. But only on some things. SS will throw a bloody murder tantrum about picking his toys, and then DH will be like, lets go get ice cream! Last night we were at applebees celebrating DHs new job. SS kept playing under the table, and making gun noises at other random people around us. I was honestly embarassed. I understand that he's 3. But unless you teach him, he'll never learn that that isn't appropriate behavior in a restaurant (let alone in church, where it also happens) We can't do ANYTHING without tantrums. I 'm not talking about whining, we're talking full out tantrums. Help me ladies...
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Re: Speaking of BF concerns...
I keep telling people to pick up these 2 books, they were a huge help when my Skids came to live here and had trouble adjusting to HAVING RULES, since "at mom's house the only rule is: there are no rules like at daddy's".
Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours
Have a New Kid By Friday
Both by an author named Leman. Awesome, very positive and caring approach to discipline through the concept of responding instead of reacting. Which sounds hippie dippie but totally works. I would start with the 1st one, but Have a New Kid has like an Index of behavioral problems and suggested ways to deal with them...so its a great go to book. Using those techniques it only took me 2 weeks to totally change the attitude and behavior my skids had with me!
I totally agree with this! And while I agree with Lucky's book suggestions in theory, I think you need to find the book Have a New HUSBAND by Friday! Sorry I don't have better advice.
OH yeah I totally didn't address the DH problem! I would flat out tell him to stop treating the kids differently (as far as the PITA comments go) and to step up and help you get the behavior issues handled. You don't need that stress anytime especially with a new baby.
And Drew-Its the Placenta Head (pregnancy brain!)
It sounds like your DH is having flashbacks from when his son was born and how it might have changed the Mom. This isn't a child issue, it's a marital issue. It appears that some discussions are needed so that he can be present in this marriage and quit the comparisons betwee you and SS Mom.
Sorry you are having to deal with this. Temper tantrums are tough to deal with. You are right if it doesn't stop he will continue this behavior. When dd gets older, she will think it is acceptable behavior and act that way too. Books can be a great way to get ideas how to handle behavior problems, but not all children respond to these types of suggestions. I think the key here is negative association with tantrums. This can include taking a toy away each time he has one, and letting him know he won't be getting it back until he learns how to control himself. As he sees his toys disappearing one by one, he might start getting the idea. When out in public, no matter how inconvenient for you, remove him from the picture. If this means leaving the restaurant and taking your food in to-go containers, then that is what you have to do. When he says "but I am hungry" say sorry, you had your chance to eat. I don't like being around you when you scream and throw yourself, or (insert action). Because of this, you are going to bed now. When you think you can control yourself, let me know and we will see what type of reward you will get. This puts his actions totally on him, and he has the choice of negative or positive consequences.
As for DH, his attitude is inexcusable. Maybe he has post-pregnancy brain! Anyways, he needs to stay on the same page as you with discipline. And he might be right about you yelling a lot and ss ignoring you. Try not to yell-leave the room if you have to-and just calmly say because you did this, this is what is going to happen. I love you and want you to be able to follow the rules.
Congrats on your new adorable baby, and don't worry, things will work out, it just takes time.
Ugh, we went through something similar.. and still sometimes do. DH was a very poorly treated stepkid so god forbid I say anything bad about his kids, he gets super defensive.
I think the only solution is trying to talk to him, when you both aren't mad/angry/frustrated. Hopefully he can see your point.
hterry, I totally know your frustration. I think most families (especially blended families) have to deal with similar issues.
The basis of the 2nd book I recommended is that you tell the child to stop one time. If they do not, you do not tell them again (this really only works at home). You turn and walk away from them and as long as they're not putting themselves in danger of injury or breaking something...you ignore the behavior (no reinforcing negative behavior with attention). You DO NOT react to their behavior.
At some point SS will come to you and want something to drink, something to snack on, to go outside to play etc. At that point you simply say "no". And go back to what you're doing. We all know kids shut us out when we discipline them-we all did it when we were kids. You wait for the child to ask why not. THIS IS A TEACHABLE MOMENT. The child WANTS to know why he can't have/do what he wants. Then you simply tell them "I did not like that you did not listen to me when I told you to stop doing "XYZ" so you may not have a cookie."
Watch the look of confusion and shock on his face! Instead of getting in trouble, you have just refused to give him something he wants. He may throw a fit but you just do the same thing again, turn and walk away and ignore it. I would bet he won't throw a fit though-he will probably just stand there for a minute waiting to see if you change your mind and then walk away and sulk. The hardest part is that you have to stick to what you say and not give in and give him the cookie 10 minutes later because he's now behaving. The opportunity for him to have a cookie passed because of his bad behavior. End of story. It might take a few days or even a few weeks to get through to him but I bet it will happen fast. A child at 3 yrs old knows what he is and isn't supposed to act like! The only time he may not is if the rules are totally different or non-existant at BM's house.
As for being out. I would simply take the child aside and explain to him that he knows he should stay in his seat and not "shoot" at people in public. His behavior is not acceptable and it needs to stop or there will be consequences when you get home. Maybe when you 1st get to the restaurant ask him if he would like cake or icecream for dessert...when he says yes, tell him "ok...but if you want it, you have to stay in your seat and behave like a big boy during dinner...then when we're all done, we will order you cake if you have behaved." Maybe even ORDER the cake right away and leave it on the table so he knows its right there for him to have if he behaves. Positive reinforcement of good behavior and rewards go alot further than taking things away and grounding kids to bed with MOST children.
No matter what, behavior doesn't change overnight, so expect to have to work at it.
The hardest part is that you have to stick to what you say and not give in and give him the cookie 10 minutes later because he's now behaving.
Lucky, I agree with you 110%! This is what I mean by DH discipling, but not really. His punishment is only a 10 minutes delay in getting what he wants. For example, our church servives can sometimes be close to 90 minutes...thats a long time if your 3. So we made a deal with him that if he was good we would go to mcdonalds after. Well, going sort of became the norm. Now it is no longer a reward to go, but rather a punishment not to. Its no if your good we'll go, but in the middle of him misbehaving in church its you better stop or we won't. I totally get that DH is the one I have the issue with. Fixing ss behavior will be a walk in the park once I fix DHs....
It took more than one conversation for DH and I to get on the same page with not giving in later. He's a sucker for his girls! (and now his boy too). Just keep being honest with DH about how you feel and that you want to work TOGETHER. I'm sure it will work out.
Yes, I said its from the 2nd book I suggested.
I think if the child is raised with a good understanding of healthy eating dessert shouldn't be a problem. Its not that you are REWARDING him with food, its more than good behavior gets extra special things and bad behavior gets nothing. If you behave good, you can get a little something special sometimes, not all the time. But its a good way to establish a point to start from...give him a reason to WANT to behave in the restaurant.