BFing - what do you think is too long?

BugLuv · March 2010

We were out the other day with friends and the topic of extending bfing cam up after seeing an almost 3 yo get really upset until they were finally given the breast. It was clearly uncomfortable for the mom of the child bc she said something like "not in front of people" but the child was insistant. Forming full sentences and getting upset when she wasn't given the 'boobie'. The mom ended up giving in and nursing. (we were in public, but it wasn't a very crowded or open area at all)

It sparked a conversation. I said while I personally don't want to be nursing that long, if it was only 1-2 times a day and at home I wouldn't be opposed to it. My DH said he thought it was too old bc the child was forming full sentences asking for it, and getting upset when they didn't get it. My friend said if they can have memories of BFing it is too long.

I am very open to extended BFing and so is my DH (just not sure about continuing to 3 personally)

Curious to see what other opinions are. So...WDYT?

MissyOlivePants · March 2010

I think when we get to that age, I'll know...but so far, not there. In the past, I would have said 2yo, but now that we're just 2 months from there, I'm sure we'll be a while longer yet.

MeanMommyLady · March 2010

DS is 19.5 months, he "asks" to nurse (he says "snack" as we have referred to nursing as a "mommy snack" since he really started eating mostly solids). I don't have an issue with it because he is really only nursing in the morning and evening (occasionally he will ask at naptime if he is over tired or he'll ask if he has gotten hurt and is in my arms for comfort), we haven't nursed out of the house in a couple of months, he doesn't need it and is usually too distracted to ask, I just make sure that I have alternative food/drink on hand for him, he is pretty good about taking an alternative if offered.

I am also 24 weeks pregnant, I am thinking that we are going to try to wean him completely in the next couple of months, but it's hard on ME emotionally to keep from him what he wants when he is a really easy kid and asks for so little...I just haven't decided yet about how I would handle tandem nursing. My DH is military and not home right now, I'm certainly not going to be trying to get through weaning right now!

As far as too long...well, it's personal, but FOR ME, at any point where my child was insistent and I was uncomfortable with it would be a sign it was time to put the kibosh on nursing.

aglenn · March 2010

Like the others have said, I guess I'm hoping I'll know it when I get there. If I've learned anything in the last 7 months of being a mom, it's to check all pre-conceived notions of what we're going to do at the door.

Smile

lvisser · March 2010

This is my UO, but if I am still nursing Kai after one year, it will be myself, my husband, and Kai that will know.

I'd rather not hear it from family, so I will avoid having them know. All they will know is that DS was weaned at one year old.

If he needs to nurse when we are around family, I will just claim I am putting him down for a nap.

lvisser · March 2010

I need to clarify... I have NO PROBLEM with nursing past a year. I think that its a personal decision. Heck, I have gone 2 months longer than I thought i would!

kat.in.the.hat · March 2010

I don't think it's breastfeeding that's a problem when I hear of situations like this, to me it's more of a discipline/self will problem. Mom says no, toddler says yes, mom gives in.

If my child wanted milk for comfort or to be held, I wouldn't think twice of giving it to them, at any age, so BFing shouldn't (or isn't in my book) any different.

But if mom says no because she's uncomfortable or it's not the appropriate time or place and the toddler doesn't respect what she's saying, that's more the problem to me than the fact that it involves a boob.

Same thing if a 3 year old wanted a paci in public and mom said no, toddler said yes and got the paci.

BugLuv · March 2010

Good answers. I totally agree with the poster who said after having a baby - preconcieved notions go out the window. I have done a ton of things I never thought I would. I also didn't expect to be as AP as I am... but all the choices I have made for me and my child have been ones I am super happy with.

ITA too that once it becomes uncomfortable it should be over. I am just wondering when that point will be for me. I can't say I won't nurse past 2 bc 1. I haven't even made it to 1 yet, and 2. I just don't know. But I do think when the child is throwing a fit over it (not in a baby hungry kinda way) it is time to be done.

Meg 'n' Eric · March 2010

BugLuv:

Good answers. I totally agree with the poster who said after having a baby - preconcieved notions go out the window. I have done a ton of things I never thought I would. I also didn't expect to be as AP as I am... but all the choices I have made for me and my child have been ones I am super happy with.

ETA too that once it becomes uncomfortable it should be over. I am just wondering when that point will be for me. I can't say I won't nurse past 2 bc 1. I haven't even made it to 1 yet, and 2. I just don't know. But I do think when the child is throwing a fit over it (not in a baby hungry kinda way) it is time to be done.

All of this. I think everyone else had great points too.

BrainySmurfette · March 2010

Hmm...my DD self-weaned at 2, but I really don't think it would bother me if she was still wanting to nurse (she's 3 now). I wouldn't want to NIP or discuss it with other people, though. I'd be uncomfortable thinking that they might be judging me. I don't think I would want to be nursing a school-aged child, though.

I've actually been wondering if she will ask for it again when the new baby arrives.

m_and_m · March 2010

DD is almost 2.5yrs now, and still nursing quite a lot. Morning, noon, night, before naps, before bed. At home, in public, at friends and family's homes. Heck, we nursed in Old Navy today.

She can form great sentences and has been verbally asking to nurse since she was about 16mos. She's been asking for it in other ways since she was born. Unless she is truly distressed she is very polite about it, asking to "nursey nurse" or for "Mommy milk". When she was early verbal she did ask for boobie, but not since she learned to say other words.

I personally would like to wean her before she turns 4, but that's not because I think 4 is too old. It's more because the idea of nursing DD for 2 more years makes me tired.

cindy453 · March 2010

I *personally* think I will do "don't offer, don't refuse" starting around 1ish. I plan on nightweaning around then too, so who knows how long we will really be nursing after that.

Angela814 · March 2010

I was planning on letting DD self wean. I ended up weaning her at 3 years 2 months. Her latch had gotten really bad for the last 6-8 months of that time. She bites on her straws, so imagine her trying to do that while nursing. I always had teeth marks around the top of my nipple, and it was just too uncomfortable for me. I never nursed her in public past 18 months. I just wasn't comfortable with that, which is kind of funny since I never used a nursing cover or anything when I did nurse her. At 34 months, she was nursing morning, after work, and before bed. We weaned over a course of 4 months. I know she wouldn't have weaned on her own at that time, and if it hadn't been for the latch issue, I wouldn't have forced her to wean. I guess I don't really have a problem with a child nursing past 3 years. I'm not sure what my personal limit would have been. I think I would have been fine with 5 years, 7 years seems too long for me.

In your friend's situation, I think the child was not behaving well, and I don't think giving in and letting them nurse really helped anything. I don't given in to DD's demands. She needs to ask nicely for things she wants. I had DD ask nicely for "mommy milk" when she wanted it, mostly because I didn't want to have that child that was yelling for boobie. If I didn't want to nurse her then, I'd tell her she had to wait until later and would offer her another snack. Usually that was fine. If it wasn't, she could throw a fit, but she still wasn't going to get her way.

KateLouise · March 2010

kat.in.the.hat:
I don't think it's breastfeeding that's a problem when I hear of situations like this, to me it's more of a discipline/self will problem. Mom says no, toddler says yes, mom gives in.
If my child wanted milk for comfort or to be held, I wouldn't think twice of giving it to them, at any age, so BFing shouldn't (or isn't in my book) any different.
But if mom says no because she's uncomfortable or it's not the appropriate time or place and the toddler doesn't respect what she's saying, that's more the problem to me than the fact that it involves a boob.
Same thing if a 3 year old wanted a paci in public and mom said no, toddler said yes and got the paci.

This.

It's the mother giving into the demands of the toddler that are the issue here.

I wouldn't breastfeed that long but I don't care what others do. I plan to to at least a year and maybe to 2 yrs.

BugLuv · March 2010

OMG - after reading some of these responses and then re-reading my post I realized I had typed "I was uncomfortable" instead of "IT was uncomfortable" big difference!

I am not uncomfortable at all. Also to clarify - this was a random person who happened to be sitting near us and our children. Both my friend and I were nursing at the time - which I think is why she brought her clearly upset 3 yo over by us to nurse.

I want to clarify that bc I would NEVER judge another mom for making a choice to nurse past 2,3,4... but to be honest nursing at 5-7 weirds me out a bit... (I don't know why)

Sorry thought I would clarify!

Also ITA with it being a discipline issue too.

JAWMIN · March 2010

I'm hoping to be done by two, but ds is having issues with whole milk. If milk is still a problem at 2, I'll still nurse him. We never nurse in public because he's always to distracted, and we are working on manners because he's starting to get a little grabby. I guess I'm not really answering the question... I think anything under 2 is wonderful. After that, it's between the mom and baby. I just hope he'll have bfing manners before he starts speaking in full sentences.

brideofaussie · March 2010

I'm with your friend. FOr some reason I feel like children shouldn't be able to remember BFing. Now that still can be a long time, 3 or 4 for some kids, but that's the cut off for me.

Hoovereeno · March 2010

If he hasn't self-weaned by the time he's done with diapers, I'll start weaning then. I guess it's more about a developmental stage for me than an age. If he's potty trained, he's too old to nurse. (for me)

mcgee · March 2010

I'm not sure. DD is almost 4, and I can't imagine her nursing right now. She expressed some interest in nursing again when Alex was born, but I told her it was for the baby. She did later grab a bottle of BM I'd pumped for her brother and take a swig out of it, and she hasn't expressed any interest in nursing since. Apparently it didn't taste very good to her or something.

I think two years old may be my limit with DS. Fair or not, I expect to get a LOT of grief from strangers over nursing Alex because he is so big and is easily mistaken for a much older baby. At almost five months old, he's over 21 pounds and in 12 month clothes. I can't imagine how big he'll be by two if he continues this growth pattern. Two isn't set in stone though. I plan to just take it one month at a time and see how it goes.

Knitty · March 2010

College is definitely too long.

Throwing a tantrum until you get to nurse is just bad manners.

CD+AL · March 2010

I don't know. Pre-DS I thought a year was good enough. Then he hit his first b-day, and I thought 18mos. Then 2yrs, and now I'm not sure how I feel. We're just playing it out to see how it goes. FWIW, I don't see how much different it is to know that you were BF'ed vs. remembering having that experience (closeness, warmth, etc.), but maybe that's just me. I kind of hope that DS does have some fond memories of our snuggly time together.

Having said all that, DS is totally capable of forming complete sentences and asking to nurse. Plus, I think pretty much all 2yo kids are completely capable of being demanding and throwing a perfect tantrum at home or in public, but DS has NEVER done anything like you're describing over BF'ing. (Not to say that he's never asked for it and been told that he had to wait either.) If he did, he wouldn't have gotten what he was demanding b/c that's just not how it works in our house. You can ask politely and may get what you want (or not...depends on the situation and the request), but causing a scene does not get you what you want...ever. We would have gotten up and left if necessary.

So for me, I see this as a behavior issue and not an extended BF issue. I mean, it would have been a slightly different scenario for the mom if it hadn't been about BF'ing (a little less embarrassing anyway); however, substitute french fries/candy/ice cream/a new toy/whatever else a kid can demand and you could easily see the same scenario w/the same behavior from a child that age.

ETA: I wouldn't have written such a long response if I had read the PPs' responses. Sorry for beating a dead horse in such a lengthy manner.

MamiJam · March 2010

I think it's really up to the mother and child, there is no specific cut off age in my mind. My mother bf'ed me into toddlerhood and by then I was speaking full sentences (according to her) so to me, that's not unusual or taboo. I think it should be a rewarding and positive relationship to both so if one is unhappy doing it, maybe it's time to wean. I also think it's important that LOs be taught manners (as much as they can comprehend) when it comes to asking just like with asking for anything else.

BabyMama1979 · March 2010

I have been giving this a lot of thought lately. My DD is 13 months and has recently had this burst of enthusiasm for nursing. It came at the same time she started walking? Has anyone else noticed this with their LO when walking started? I can't remember if the same thing happened when she started crawling.

Family and friends are starting to ask when I will "wean" her because I still nurse in public often. They aren't judgemental at all, just curious. My answer is always based on my mood, "soon," or "whenever she seems ready" or sometimes I say "2 years". I have had a moving goal of nursing. At first it was 1 year, now its 18 months. I haven't given any cows milk yet because I don't want to completely stop (so easy to nurse to sleep). I'm thinking I may start cows milk so she will "fill up" more before bed. She isn't the best solid food eater and wants to nurse all night.

I think nutritionaly there is no time that is too long. Personally, with sleep issues, solid food issues, and thinking about #2 soon, I will hopefully be down (BLW completed) by 2 years.

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