Really angry and need to vent. Anyone awake?
My PPD is getting worse. I know it is. Back story here
(https://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/29932583.aspx) and
here (https://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/31469424.aspx) if
you want to read it. Sorry but I don' t know how to make them clicky.
Today did not help.
So, today was Evie's 2 month pedi appointment. I told the pedi I
had been feeling extremely stressed and that I was having some PPD
issues. He asked if I thought I would ever hurt Evie and of course I
told him no but I had noticed I'm increasingly loosing my temper
(catching myself yelling and that sort of thing). I explained that I
hadn't seen anyone about my PPD yet because we've been figuring out our
insurance situation. Now that we have medical assistance things are
better. I wanted a referral so that I can start dealing with this.
Now, I might be depressed, stressed and in all other ways totally loosing it but I would sooner die than see any harm come to my daughter. So what did our pedi do that pissed me off, instead of giving me the referral I needed he called CPS after telling me he'd help me get set up.
During our conversation he asked if I had ever had any mental problems. I told him that I had received several years of therapy because my biological father is a nasty drunk and was abusive. This was back in middle and high school. The CPS worker told me that when I gave that information it triggered his mandatory reporting responsibility. Apparently I'm automatically a risk to my daughter because I was abused more than a decade ago and sought treatment then. I understand why he did it based on this, but I'm pretty pissed. Way to encourage women to seek help and trust their doctors. I can't help but be offended by the assumption. Fortunately the CPS worker seemed to understand that. She said she would give me a call by Tuesday to follow up and I would likely never here a word about it again. And I did get my referral to a local psychiatric practice and made an appointment for next week.
I didn't need that. For the rest of the day I've had this nagging feeling that I'm now going to be eternally judged by my pedi (and probably by others in the future) for my lousy excuse for a sperm donor and my PPD. It was really hard for me to even ask for that referral. I knew I needed to do it, and with the insurance issues settled I couldn't put it off, but I do not readily trust people. Things like this, make it that much harder for me to try to trust them the next time.
Re: Really angry and need to vent. Anyone awake?
Oh, sweetie. That is just BULLSHIT. I'm so sorry. You shouldn't in any way feel like your parenting is under scrutiny because you're dealing with PPD. For God's sake. Sorry, I'm all pissed off for you!
I am so glad you are seeing a psychiatrist, though. I saw one after my OB was pretty dismissive of my concerns (told me anxiety is normal for new moms) and it turns out I have something on the OCD spectrum, so it's really important for me to get treatment to feel better. I think you'll find seeing a specialist really helpful and they're trained to be very non-judgmental, so please don't hesitate to be 100% honest with him/her about your feelings.
Hang in there and vent anytime you need to.
Hey, I had PPD too. I was a pretty hot mess for about the first 6 weeks, totally would've been longer but I got on meds (celexa, very low dose, that's all I needed). over 10 months later, I'm still on the meds, I tried going off but went back to the anxiety and angry feelings.
Here's my post from then:
https://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/15903346.aspx
Hope it helps, page me on money matters anytime.
And it absolutely gets better. I remember fearing i was stuck like I was, I felt broken and helpless. Today I'm back to normal. I will stay on the meds until I wean. I think the BFing hormones are keeping my hormones out of whack.