OK, fine. What should I do?
ebearwife
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I wrote a long post but I will be concise instead.
DH picked Isaac. It happens to be what my sister wanted hypothetically. DH did not know this, but when I told him, he insisted he still wanted the name. He loves the name, too. Its his first son and its what he wants.
I am struggling with how to tell my sister. I don't want the conversation to end in tears or us not talking or years of resentment. I don't want to tell her on the phone, but I am sick of not having told her yet. Like, literally, it makes my heartburn hurt just thinking about it.
So hopefully there is someone on here who has some friendly advice for this "problem". Yes, I realize there is no way out without hurt feelings, but I really do want to minimize it and find the most gracious way of explaining to her that I am not "stealing" her name on purpose. And yes, I know how she is going to feel from personal experience.
Re: OK, fine. What should I do?
Hmmmmm ... well, I would probably make it a *priority* to sit down and have a heart to heart with her. Are you sure DH doesn't have any other names?
Actually, I would have a heart to heart with the DH first and wouldn't use Isaac.
I obviously love the name Isaac, too. I have for years. I even talked to my oldest sister (the one with eight children) about it several years ago because they choose biblical names for their children, and I wanted her to know that I loved the name Isaac and, btw, please don't use it. She completely understood and agreed.
Turns out, DH really liked the name too. (But absolutely no nicknames, he says.) In the end, it was between Isaac and Jacob for us. But I would be OK with another name. And if someone else in the family (or on DH's side) had dibs on Isaac, then I would probably move on to something else.
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We had veto power when we were choosing names. Do you not have a say in this? I guess I'd ask myself if I'd be huring my sister more than disappointing DH.
Yes, I did try to talk DH out of it. He feels like if he has his heart set on it then why should he give it up, I guess. He thinks there is no guarantee my sister will ever have a boy and its not like he has tons of names he wants to use. He is a very logical engineer in his thinking processes, and he is also a little stubborn too. I never considered the name for myself until DH said he wanted to use it so I really never wanted to "steal" it from my sister. I always thought we would name a boy after DH which is a tradition in my family. Every first son is a "Junior". I was going to nickname him "Loren" or "Lance", short for Lowrance, since DH's name is already a nickname of Edwin. I love nicknames, personally and will probably give them to all my kids. Right now I am the only one in the house without a nickname. Makes me sad...
My feelings are that I want to give DH what he wants and let him have the say since its his son. This may be our last pregnancy due to medical reasons so I hate to tell him he can't have this. I am hoping my sister will be able to forgive me and understand. I think its silly to "reserve" names under no guarantees, but I also understand the feeling of not being able to use a name that you truly want bc someone close to you is already using it. I also think that if she still wants to use Isaac for herself in the end, then I would just have to accept that, too. Its a great name and I couldn't blame her.
From where I am sitting, it seems about equal to me.
The trump is I live with DH, I guess. I really want this to be completely special for him as its his first son and he is so thrilled and excited. I hate to take anything away from that.
Before I can answer, I am wondering what this means. Did your sister take a name you liked? I think that adds a whole different dynamic, if so.
DD- 9
DS-6
c/p- April 2016
missed m/c- 6w5d; discovered 8w2d- September 2016
I actually think it's really a sweet gift to your DH to let him have this if it means so much to him. And I agree with you about reserving names under no guarantees. I'd just go into the conversation with your sister at that angle and that you're not saying there can't be two Isaac's in the family if she were to have a boy and still wanted to use the name.
She used Nana's name and Nana had no middle name. I am the oldest grandchild and closest to Nana so that name was important to me. But I don't agree with "reserving" names even though I probably would have used that name (as a middle, not a first) if she hadn't. She used it and I just named my daughter something else and it worked out bc Polly has my Dad's initials which I really love and I can't imagine her with another name. The name "Isaac" has no family significance and the reason she likes it has nothing to do with the Bible or anything like that. Its just a name she likes out of all the names in the world out there. DH pretty much chose it for the same exact reason she did.
Thanks. I think I will actually say that to her - that she can use the name, too if it is that important to her.
I was going to say the same thing as OctoerGal. You seem to be caught in the middle of all of this, so maybe you need to sit down with DH and your sister together.
You seem to be able to see both parties sides of things, so maybe its more important that the two parties hash it out. But do it sooner rather than later. 1) DH will have his heart set on it and 2) don't blindside your sister when you are about to give birth.
i don't have any advice. but i know this will be a VERY hard conversation. From older posts, your DH does sound a bit stubborn so I'm not sure how to even get you to get him to back down either.
The name I had picked out for a girl (before a couple weeks ago) was Anabella. I wanted to call her Ana. I picked it out about 8ish years ago. My mom knew...she even helped me pick a middle name. Then a couple years ago my brother found out (i wasn't hiding it, he just hadn't been around...army) and said NO that he wanted to name his daughter Bella (that is our mom's name). He was and still is Single and I had never heard him say that before and told him I wasn't changing my choice and he could do whatever.
That said...if I had known way back when, I wouldn't have used it. But I didn't so there.
Regardless...he is not unhappy I'm having a boy.
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Personally, I wouldn't use it. Period. As tough a relationship as I've had with my sister, that would be the death knell. I know she's interested in using my grandfather's name should she have a boy and, as much as I'd like to consider it, she's laid claim to it. And you know it's far more complicated than just "ownership." We emotionally bond to names - as you've experienced first hand.
I agree with the PP that said DH needs to be there when you discuss this with your sister. If he feels that strongly about it, let him convey that.
Given all that's going on here I agree with pp's that you have DH there and make it clear that the name was HIS choice. You would not want it to seem to her like you are "getting her back" for using your Nana's name since this is in no way what you are doing..but without DH there her mind might go there. I know mine prbly would if my this happened with my sis. GL!
DD- 9
DS-6
c/p- April 2016
missed m/c- 6w5d; discovered 8w2d- September 2016
I would go into the conversation very matter of factly and just say, "So, turns out Eddy's deadset on naming the baby Isaac. I know this was a name you liked but unless you can change his mind about it I think that's what his name is going to be." That puts the issue off of you and onto the two people with a dog in the fight. I tend to think that if you go at it from the angle that you are sorry for naming your son a name that she had 'dibs' or whatever on that you'll legitimize her right to be upset about it. You know like when you start a conversation off "Please don't be mad...." you know the other person is going to instantly get mad.
And I agree w/ all of the pp's...don't put it off any longer.
I wouldn't use it either. To me there are thousands of names and while I get that your DH loves it I think you have equal say and you should just tell him you don't feel comfortable using it and you should find another name. While I don't believe in claiming names I would be very unhappy if I had expressed my desire to use a name and my sibling did it first. I also would never, ever name my child the same as their cousin, and would be upset if my sibling said 'oh you can use it for your child too'. That is weird to me.
This is tough, I feel for you. Good luck!
OK, guys. Thanks so much for your advice. I like the way Laurann puts it. I think the straightforward determined delivery might actually work best. My sister is not one to pussyfoot around. That is basically how she told me she was naming my niece after Nana. This is what it is and that is that. Period.
I wanted to be double dog sure about Isaac before I even "go there" so I brought it up with DH again. His response was "Isaac is perfect for him and that is his name". So I really think that he already loves him as Isaac the way I loved Polly as Polly before I had even decided to call her that, and to be honest, I do too. He is my baby Ike bc that is who he is. The name means something to me now, since I always say that what attracts me to DH the MOST is his sense of humor and ability to make me laugh and Isaac means "He will laugh". I will have to be brave and tell her myself without DH being there but I can do it. I love her and I feel like I am disrespecting her by not being honest, but its really bc I just don't want the fight or hurt feelings either way. Sometimes our conversations, particularly hard ones, tend to degrade to the lowest denominator. I just am astounded that out of the millions of names in the world my sister and my husband out of the blue picked the exact same name to love.
I think that ACTUALLY she will deny any desire to use it herself once she finds out DH chose it at random and likes something she likes, too. She and DH have no lost love.
This.
I was thinking, if the name is important to both your sister and DH, it may sound better coming from him than from you.
Two people would enter the room but only one would come out. I think I better be the one to tell her. She can have it out with me, and I would rather that she do that then get all angry with DH. I have reasonable confidence she will get over it with me in the end. This may be one I need to take on the chin.
Does your DH not like/respect your sister? I know for us, if Joey really liked a name, and I already knew that one of my siblings had "claimed" it, he would likely back down and not want to step on any toes (not that I really think you can lay claim to a name, but I'd say its common courtesy not to use a name if you know your sister already has her heart set on it). It seems like your H is being pretty stubborn about it, to not even consider another name. Especially when its not like its a meaningful family name, just one he picked out of thin air (as you said).
FWIW, your sister might not really care, but I would at least broach the topic and see what she thinks. Maybe she'll be thrilled that someone in your family will have the name, but maybe her feelings will be really hurt. Then she'll have resentment towards you, Eddy, and your baby boy, and it could create a rift between you two. It would make me super sad if one of my sisters chose "my" name behind my back and didn't have the courtesy to tell me.
Josie - this problem is like an onion that just keeps on peeling and making me cry.
Eddy is not my sister's biggest fan, but I don't think this is out of spite. And really, neither one is very nice when it comes to the other and I am always in the middle. They claim to be so different but really they are almost the same person, just in different bodies. He loves the name and I think he feels he has just as much right to it as she does and by the same token, when I pouted about her using Nana's name, he told me to get over that too. He has equal opportunity logic, my husband. To him, this "name claim" stuff is just nonsense. I don't think that this is a big enough deal to cause a major rift but I do expect some ruffled feathers. I am just working up the nerve to put on my big girl panties and get it out there. My sister has just not been very nice about my pregnancy this time and I don't understand why so things are just precarious. Any time I bring up anything pregnancy related she makes a snide remark. So I guess I have partly been waiting for her to ask me about names and dropped pregnancy talk altogether.
I think this will seal the fate of your sister and DH's relationship.
Here is my name issue that happened and seems so dumb now...I actually do digs at my sister.
My sister's name is Elizabeth she is named after my mom and grammy--so rightfully it is her name to use--she had a boy and "stole" jack form me--hell I wasn't even married yet when she had him...then I had a girl--desperately wanted to use Elizabeth, but decided to use it as a middle name...fast forward to when I was PG with Noah if he had been a girl he would have been Anna--well my sis had a girl the month before I had Noah and asked to use Anna the week before her c-section--well what could I say I wasn't sure I would have another and hell who knew it would be a girl so I was like I guess...why the hell she didn't use Elizabeth (she secretly regrets it too) then I have Maggie and she says why don't you call her Ellie (Elizabeth- well that is Kate's middle name and could have been her first name) so now no one has the first name of my deceased mom and grammy.
All of this was to say it is just a name and if you value your relationship with your sister then I would be upfront about it. She may never have a boy to use the name, but making it your DH's fault (which is how she will see it) won't help her and his relationship. I wouldn't believe it if my sis knew I loved the name and then all of a sudden her husband wanted to use it I would know it was her and not him (even if it really is him)...just saying.
BTW my sister is my best friend and I tease her that she stole my name and that no one is named after her now!!!!!
I hope it all works out this is a very sticky situation.