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Attachment Parenting
Married2MrWright
member
Working AP Mamas (advice wanted)
Married2MrWright
member
I go back to work next week and I am just not dealing well with it. Whenever I think of leaving my LO I start to cry. I have been away from her a few times in the past two months and although I have EBF we did start introducing the bottle at 4 weeks. She gets one a day from MH. He will be home with her during the day while I am at work (M-F 7-3:30 p.m.). I will also be able to come home at lunch to nurse her. My mom also lives with us and will help MH with watching her, so I know she's in good, loving, capable hands. And both of them are on-board with the AP approach.
I head back to the office on a part-time basis next week. During the month of April, I'll be there Tu/Th for 8 hours and then M/W/F I'll work part-time from home (4 hours). In May I am back full-time.
I cannot help but feel sad that this time with my baby girl is ending (my maternity leave) and that soon I'll be missing out on things with her. SAH is not an option (I provide 80% of our income and all of our bennies) and WAH has only been an option up-to-now as part of my leave plan (it's not an option long-term). I do have to travel for my job and gratefully, my three weeks of travel in July have been canceled so my next obligation is two weeks in October.
How do you ladies do it? I am so torn by my career and motherhood right now in a way I never anticipated that I would be. I am an executive for an international non-profit and truly love the work that I do. The company is 100% female which makes it very family friendly. I am quite lucky...I get a lot of time off and flex time (I can set my hours to start between 7-9 am and end between 3:30-5:30 pm each day). And I was able to propose a leave plan that let me be home, for the most part, with my LO until she's 3 months old with full pay (we don't qualify for FMLA).
I am grateful to have a job I love that provides for my family but I am so sad about having to leave my baby girl. It doesn't help that she's been fussing with the bottle and refusing it this week. We had a "practice run" yesterday (my mom and DH requested it) to try what it will be like when I go back to work. I got up and went about my day as if I was going to the office (got up, showered, etc. and "commuted" to the office in our bedroom and stayed there until lunch when I "came home" and nursed then "left" again until 3 pm). It was awful. She basically cried off and on for 6 hours. And she refused the bottle. My DH was besides himself (my mom had LO until noon) for the few hours he had to handle LO by himself. He cannot stand to hear her cry and feels that if he only had lactating breasts he could make it all better. In short, we were all miserable. And I fear there will be many more days like that in our future. I cannot take it.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Working AP Mamas (advice wanted)
I know exactly where you are coming from and could have written your post when DD was your DD's age. The exceptions for me are that DD is in daycare because DH also works FT, and I work too far away to visit during the day. This added gobs of stress to the bottle situation (she sort of takes the bottle now, but sometimes will still go on strike, and reverse cycles most days drinking as little as she can from the bottles). I was stunned by how hard it was for me to go back to work because I love my job and thought I'd be dying to get back to the "real" world, but it felt so different than I ever imagined. It still does.
As far as advice, just hang in there. It does get better. I try to keep the long-term perspective that this is so much better for our family in the long run because if I were to SAH I would never make up the lost ground in my career (and honestly, in my clear-headed moments I don't think I'm cut out to be a SAHM). It's great that you are starting back part-time and have some flexibility. I did the same and have a very family-friendly workplace, too, and it makes all the difference in the world. I've been back full time since the first of the year, and there are still good days and bad days, but the good days are starting to outnumber the bad. DD still loves me and is very happy at her daycare, and the positive side of the reverse cycling thing is less stress about what I can pump during the day!
For now, just take one day at a time. A piece of advice I got from a book I read towards the end of my leave was to set a date at least 3 months away when you will re-evaluate and see how things are working out. Until that time, just take it day by day. I am almost to my 3-month mark and think this was good advice because things are definitely starting to look different. Not that it's easy, because it's not; but I don't feel that I've made the wrong decision, either. Good luck to you! We are here for you when you need some support.
I think it is completely normal to feel that way. I only work weekends, 12 hour shifts both days, but when I went back I cried off and on at work the whole first weekend. The next weekend I only cried when I left him. I still get a little sad and tearful at times when I leave, but it gets better. I thought everyone was crazy and just patting me on the head when they said it gets better, but it really does get better and easier each time. And by the time your kiddo is nearly 1, you'll be almost happy to leave her some days!
I think you're incredibly lucky to have the set up you do, with DH and being able to come home at lunch to nurse. Just look forward to that time with her and remember that you're taking care of her even though you're at work. It might take her a few days, but she will get used the new routine.
The first few weeks were difficult at night because J really wanted to see me at night and get lots of boob time in. We were still cosleeping at that point so it was easy, plus it gave me a chance to look at him, smell him, and snuggle him. I think we both would have gone crazy without those times. Even now I go upstairs when I get home and give him smooches and smell his little head through the crib.
I hear you. It's hard. The first few weeks are the hardest. But then you'll be amazed at what she learns when you're away and what she waits to show just you. I found I was a better worker because I could squish everything into 7 hours a day and nothing kept me from my baby girl.You're still her whole world, so don't doubt that.
Traveling is different but that's not for now. Just focus on getting through the day. Nursing at lunchtime is something I did for about a month before I realized it was harder to leave her again and harder on her. It may work for you. It stopped working for us. Take it one day at a time.Don't make any decisions now.
Your work sounds fascinating. The year I went back to work was a big year for me work wise. I took the opportunity to take Jo to every major launch of a new program. Even if she was just passed out in my arms during the photo. I wanted to show her that my time away from her mattered, that it made things happen, that it was a good thing. She doesn't get it now but she will one day.
She's 2 now and says "bye mommy! See you atter work!" and loves her sitter and her dad time. She amazes me every day. And I'm proud of what I do and how i parent despite being absent for a chunk of time a week.
You'll be ok. I promise.
The other posters are right. It does get better. My DS is 10 months now and while I miss him during the day, we still have an amazing bond. I'm his momma. Nothing changes that.
About travel--I too work for an international nonprofit (women's health, mostly USAID funded). We get at least a year off of travel to breastfeed, but my year is coming to a close swiftly. One thing I'm considering is taking DS and my mom with me when I travel as much as possible. That wouldn't work for some of my trips where I have to go out to the boonies (too much malaria, difficulties with food sanitation, etc.) But when I'm just hanging out in Nairobi or Addis writing a proposal, I don't see why my DS couldn't come along. Yes, it adds expense and we'll have to see how he does with the time changes, but I think I'm going to try it. Because 2-3 week trips are a whole different ball game than 9-5... Good luck!!
This totally made me tear up! So sweet.
Thanks for your insight, support, and advice ladies. I greatly appreciate it. It does help to know I am not alone and that it can be done. Thank you.
I totally agree and this is my plan too. I have to be in Glasgow, Scotland and Auckland, New Zealand in 2011 and will be taking my mom and DD with me. My airfare/hotel/expenses are paid so I just have to pay their airfare (hopefully I can use my miles) and expenses. This October I will be in Seattle for two weeks and my dad, who lives in Anchorage, AK, wants to come down and stay with us and watch her. That way she can still BF. My goal is to do at least a year and hopefully longer. She'll be nearly 9 months by then so I think he'll be fine with her (he has had seven kids of his own)...I pray she's a good traveler.
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I wrote a similar post about a month ago. I don't have any answers for you. It's just really really hard but in my experience it gets easier. About a month ago I wrote here about how I felt like I'm neither the mom I want to be or the employee I want to be. For me, I think what helped was working on my expectations of what it meant to be the employee and mom I wanted to me. I just don't need to be super type A career woman. I can be competent at my job and not work ungodly hours. I also don't need to be supermom.
My job required a fair amount of traveling before I had my LO. They kept telling us that we were supposed to be reducing our travel to save money. I was hopeful (and I guess naive) that would mean less travel once I came back after maternity leave. Well, I've been instructed that I must go to a big meeting in June and will need to be gone for 3 nights. And last week I get an email about a meeting in mid April that I'm required to attend as well. I'm really irritated about it. I feel so guilty about leaving my DH alone with our LO. She's a great sleeper and is a pretty easygoing baby but being a single parent for a few days is tough. I can't even imagine what it will be like to be away from her that long. I'm scared to death that she'll forget me while I'm gone (although that's probably stupid).
Although there's a part of me (and I feel SO guilty about it) that is kind of looking forward to a quiet hotel room where I can sit in bed, order room service and have a glass of wine while watching TV.
BTW, I'm enjoying the entries in your blog chronicling your move to OK. I'm a native Oklahoman but have moved on to blue America. It must a huge culture shock going from a blue state to Oklahoma. I hope you're enjoying Tulsa. It would take a lot to get me back there although Tulsa is a very nice place.
Thanks...that blog has been severely neglected since my BFP. Not sure if I'll keep it up or not.
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