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Adoption
silliestbunny
member
Best friends and sisters... 24 months and 16 months
Need some input re: Open vs Closed DA
silliestbunny
member
in Adoption
So after fourteen months, we may have a situation turn positive in the next few weeks. I've connected w/a law firm that is interested in matching us with a birth mom due in August.
Here's my concern- we were geared up for some form of open adoption. This lawyer only deals with closed adoptions.
Everything I've read and focused on for two years supports the idea of open adoption.
Any thoughts or reactions? Anyone else in a closed situation?
Best friends and sisters... 24 months and 16 monthsThis discussion has been closed.
Re: Need some input re: Open vs Closed DA
No- this is an "old fashioned" law office. They do the matching, and EM comes to them knowing it's closed.
This particular EM has placed once before with them so I assume she's looking specifically for closed.
We would only have one opportunity to meet- 3 weeks prior to delivery. We would not be at the birth.
It's old school.
Does the law firm consider it a closed adoption because of no letters, visits, pictures, email...no future contact?
I am surprised that if they only deal with closed adoptions that meeting the EM is a possiblity.
I have a few friends that are in closed adoptions and I have a few friends that are adoptees from closed adoptions. Email me or PM me if you want.
SB! I got your PM, and tried to reply but The Bump is not cooperating.
I will get an email to you this afternoon!
If you hit "quick reply" instead of "reply," it usually works that way... (usually
)
I would not work with an agency or attorney that only performed closed adoptions. End of story.
If the birth parents CHOOSE closed that is a different situation but if the agency/attorney only specializes in closed - that leads me to believe that they don't give birth parents a choice or a fair understanding of what the future could be for their knowledge of their birth child.
Grant's birth mom initially wanted closed. We were 'okay' with that because it was her choice but it saddened us greatly (for Grant). Then she decided semi-open. This made us very happy. Once we met each other (when we she handed Grant to us) - we exchanged cell phone numbers. We've emailed weekly at times since then and we have each other's full names and contact information.
I would be very hesitant to enter into a completely closed adoption. At the very least, I want to meet the birth mother once and learn a little bit about her so we have some information to give to our child.
The social worker doing our home study has adopted two children - one was an open adoption and one was closed. Hearing her experience has strengthened my desire for an open adoption. Her daughter has so many questions about her bio mom, and there are times where she cries because it makes her so sad that she knows absolutely nothing about her. The only information they have to give her about her BM is that she was an unmarried teen.
I probably wouldn't work with an agency or law firm that only does closed adoptions. We might consider a situation where BM feels very strongly about having a closed adoption, but we honestly might still turn the situation down if BM wants it 100% closed.
I love it when people don't read the entire OP completely.
Silly -- as she has placed before, it sounds as if the closed nature is up to her and she knows what she is getting into. If it were me, I would go prepared when you meet her with a camera (maybe even a video camera) and maybe some blank pieces of stationery in case she is open to writing a note for the baby. I would capture every single minute of the meeting as best as I could. I would also let her know that you are open to sharing photos, letters, emails, or such in the future if she ever wants that. Maybe even give her an email address when you meet her so she knows she can contact you.
I know it wouldn't be ideal for my family, but we previously considered a closed match. We did what we could to convince the birthmother (through the attorney) that we wanted to have at least a semi-open agreement, but she was firm in her wishes. We just did the best we could to make sure that she knew we were open to it.
GL -- I can't wait to hear more!
Agree with MrsB. I would do everything to provide a way for further communication if she chooses it. You never know how people's wishes may change down the road. Ours certainly have over the course of just one year. We don't have an extremely open adoption but it makes me feel better knowing that we have set up ways of communication if she (they) choose to use them in the future.
Maybe set up a special email address and forward it to your regular email in case she does choose to email. I think some families have a special 1-800 number. I'm not sure how expensive that is to have just in the off case.
I would say that openess was not a dealbreaker for us. The child has no choice in this and I would hate to miss our child because of it. Also, like I said before feelings are such a temporary thing at time. After meeting you, she may feel differently or atleast be open to the possibility for the future. I wonder if you could get her a PO Box so that you can mail her letters and she can choose whether or not to read them.
Like another poster, I was also adopted via a closed adoption, way back when that's all that they did. I'm not troubled by it. Good luck!