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2nd Trimester
Sareclark
member
Is it my hormones, or am I right to be upset? (long)
Sareclark
member
I'm going to keep this very general since I don't know if a friends lurks on this board.
I'm a part of a group with a pretty high turnover rate- lots of people move away every 4 months. Just before everyone leaves we always have a banquet and spend time together to say goodbye to our friends.
Four months ago, my friend and I were in charge of planning this banquet. Because of where we live there are VERY VERY limited choices. Most restaurants have questionable food, most are small, and few have space for 40 plus people to gather. A number of those that are large enough are a long drive over terrible roads, and since people don't like to travel on these roads, we try to keep it pretty local, which limits choices to three places. After talking to almost everyone in the group, my friend and I selected on restaurant, talked to the owners about the menu, and set up the banquet for a three course meal- which is, by the way, FREE to all group members. A few members of the group strongly expressed their dissatisfaction with the location and the menu- to the point that I was in tears daily with the never ending phone calls and emails. I don't cry easily, and the other girl reacted the same way.
As a result of this experience, I quit that position (which is a volunteer post) and let someone else plan the banquet. Guess what's happening again? A few people have loudly expressed dissatisfaction and are complaining vocally- despite the fact that this has been discussed at several meetings and opinions have been asked for several months. I didn't know who was complaining, but heard that the two girls planning the banquet were upset and hurt and were being hassled. I posted on my facebook page (really the best way to mass communicate down here) that I hoped all my fellow group members would remember this was a fun, free dinner and not their prom or wedding, and that those planning were working hard and deserved complaints not attacks.
OH MY GOD. People flipped the freak out on my facebook page, and it degenerated into a war between the two girls who complained (who outed themselves on my page) and those who were happy with the plans. I asked people to drop it because it went too far, and sent an apology to the girls who were clearly feeling very cornered and attacked, saying that I never meant to personally attack them, I was just trying to bring attention to a subject I was sensitive to. I explained what I'd gone through, and said that I hadn't meant for them to feel attacked at all, I was just trying to remind people it was something to enjoy not get upset about. I also made a joke that perhaps I overreacted to the planners situation because of hormones... and added a wink and 'lol' after that just to clarify it was a joke.
Well, one girl kind of laughed it off a bit. Both are very outspoken, and i think she didn't realize how she was coming across. The other just sent me a message and I don't even know how to respond. She told me that it was my fault that it degenerated into a fight, that I should think before I post because she and the other girl felt attacked (I told them I had no idea that they had complained, I didn't name names, I just asked people to be grateful, not angry....) and harassed all day long, that I had allowed their feelings to be terrible hurt because I'd posted something that would clearly degenerate into a war, and that she would forgive me, but only because we'd been friends for so long. She told me I needed to sit down and think about how I handle things and ask for advice about what I post on my wall because it can cause drama (ummm, never had a fight break out on my wall before, thanks....) and hurt feelings and it was a clear attempt to make her feel guilty.
The kicker? She told me that I shouldn't blame my hormones and that hormones were not a reason to treat people terribly. She said she was seriously concerned that people wouldn't want to hang out with me anymore as my pregnancy progressed since I was doing such hurtful things and excusing myself with hormones. I am shocked and hurt and sick. First, I really haven't been that emotional (ok, I cry super easily at sad commercials and the like) but I haven't been grouchy and even when I feel that way I'd never act that way. Second, I've got a very active social life and none of my other friends (who are very straightforward) have complained about hormones or mood swings. They still invite me out and are excited to see me, so I don't think I'm being hormonal.
But... am I being hormonal to be incredibly offended by this message, or was this girl way out of line? I was apologizing that the thread went in that direction, since I'd not intending for anyone to be singled out (I didn't know who complained, and they 'outed' themselves, no one did that to them). And I got attacked for being a horrible and hormonal person and told that everyone was going to start hating me soon!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Is it my hormones, or am I right to be upset? (long)
Hmm... and you're asking a bunch of hormonal pregnant women?? jkjk
I think you have a right to be upset. I know I would be. The added hormones just make everything worse.
And this:
"She told me that I shouldn't blame my hormones and that hormones were not a reason to treat people terribly. She said she was seriously concerned that people wouldn't want to hang out with me anymore as my pregnancy progressed since I was doing such hurtful things and excusing myself with hormones."
would really piss me off. Even if you are thinking it, never tell a pregnant woman she is being hormonal unless you are looking for WW3.
Yes, the other girl was most definitely out of line. She's the one who bitched about the specifics when she was going to get a free meal and hang out with people who are all supposed to be friends. wtf?
Reminds me of a story about my exboyfriend... a bunch of us would hang out at another friend's house every other weekend or so. That friend's wife would cook a delicious meal for everyone, then we would play cards. She made the most tasty steaks once, and everyone loved them, but ExBF randomly pipes in with "yeah, it's good, but I could do without all the spices". What the hell? You're getting a free meal, stfu and enjoy it.
"I'll gladly take cold sores over eye herpes" -ElieFin
"Unicorn glitter gives me UTIs." -Leila'sMommy
That sucks!
I agree with this advice:
GL!
I think that girl was way out of line for suggesting that you instigated an attack on her. If you didn't name names and you were simply trying to sympathize with the planners I don't see how that's personally attacking anyone.
All in all. In planning any sort of big event there are always going to be those people have to get there 2 cents in and have to complain about everything. This girl seems like she's overreacting because possible attention was drawn to her own selfish motives.
I don't see it as being a hormonal reaction, I see it as being an honest reaction in sympathy to those who were undergoing the stress.
and if it was a hormonal reaction - and she really thinks you're such a horrible person then I say why surround yourself with her negative personality. Especially at a time when you need supportive people around you.
Of course you have the right to be upset! I am a firm believer that no one can tell you how you should or shouldn't feel, if you are upset then you are and obviously there is a reason for it!!
Just remember that you stepped down from that position because of the stress (excellent decision i might add), so I would just walk away from it. I'd tell the ladies planning it that you understand what they are going through and remember you can't please everyone!
Oh and I would have totally cried too!!!
I admit the facebook thing was added drama. I hate facebook drama and I'm embarassed to have caused it and to have had such a big thing happen on my wall, when I truly didn't intend that to happen. That's why I apologized and asked people to drop it.
She's pretty young and immature, but I am still blown away by her reaction. I kept thinking maybe I was overreacting or being hormonal- I'm glad some people agree.
Since I'm only living here a few more months, I think I'm just going to try to ignore it, although if she brings it up I'll let her know her comment was hurtful and out of line. I don't want to cause more drama in what is typically a closely knit group of friends. If I decide to respond, I'm going to sit on it for a little while longer to make sure I'm coherent and calm before I reply.
Anissa, I'm definitely hoping it blows over. I am taken aback by how nasty she was in her attack when I was offering a sincere apology. And I just can't believe that people are getting so angry about a freaking FREE DINNER again... Seriously people, it's a free farewell dinner. Not your wedding. Calm down!
That girl is a total beebee. She needs to grow the f up.
I would respond with an email:
Dear friend,
As I said before, I certainly never meant to attack you. I didn't know who had complained but do feel strongly that since this is a free event that is a HUGE PITA to plan (speaking from NON pregnant experience), people should just shut their traps about it. You had an opportunity to express your opinion earlier on and the reality is that with this many people, you can never please everyone.
Public forums always offer a risk of offense, that is just the reality. Yes I did blame my sensitivity on my hormones (which by the way are very real and can hugely affect your feelings) however I was saying it mostly kidding.
Again, I'm sorry that you were so offended. The truth is that you outed yourself on FB. I did not do that. So if you felt attacked you should talk to the people who attacked you, not me.
And speaking of attacking, how do you think the girls who planned this event feel? They are doing the absolute best that they can to make this a nice event and are getting nothing but sh!t back.
Maybe if you have such great ideas, you should offer to take over the position. Then we'll see how "inappropriate" my behavior really is.
By the way, although I am glad to have you as a friend, if you think my behavior was that outrageously offensive, you might want to reconsider being my friend. I don't believe that I did anything wrong and I am standing my ground on this.
Hope we can grow up and get over this high school drama.
Sincerely, your friend
Ummmm, she was seriously overreacting, probably because deep down she knows she was in the wrong, starting by complaining about something she was not helping with in the first place and then outing herself! And now she's defending herself by projecting her problems onto you so she can blame someone else for it. Oh and like you said... she's quite young and immature.
You didn't MAKE her feel anything, if something you said in a generic manner brought up such powerful feelings for her than that is certainly not your fault and only due to her own personal issues. Try not to let her get to you.
Sounds to me like a battle you'd never win no matter what, I say just take the more mature stance and don't waste your time or more emotional toll on responding to her.
Sounds like you called her out on something totally legitimate, and she is embarrassed and now retaliating. And overreacting. Doesn't sound to me like you did anything wrong; it was nice of you to apologize to the girls who'd complained, but not necessary IMO. Seems like they were causing a whole mess of trouble and at least one of them will knock it off now!
Sorry that happened. I would be really upset too, if it happened to me, but from where I'm standing on the outside here, you are good!