DS Ladies, Come In

roselln2 · March 2010

Hi ladies! I've been reading a book called "Experiences of Donor Conception" by Caroline Lorbach, and it has really gotten me to think about our decision to move forward with donor conception. How is your DH handling his infertility? Do you think he is at peace with it? I worry that my husband is burying his feelings about it and am concerned that it'll fester.

Many of you have told me that you plan on telling your donor-conceived children. When do you plan on doing so? Will you do it when they are young, or will you wait until they are in high school or older? Why?

Are there any of you that do not plan on telling your children? What brought you to that decision?

Thank you for sharing your stories with me!

jennim1984 · March 2010

Sorry you are facing this too

My DH is having a really hard time with the DS situation still. He is not yet at peace with it. I know he knows in his mind that it's a better choice than adoption right now (financially) but it's just tough for him. He feels he won't be connected to the pregnancy in the same way. I know he will be the first time he sees an u/s, but he's scared he'll feel a disconnect.

I haven't decided if we'll tell the children or not. I'm leaning toward not, because that sperm donor is not their father DH is. But our decision may change.... We are not planning on telling our parents or any family about the DS.

I'm so glad you posted this...What are you leaning toward?

roselln2 · March 2010

My husband wants it to forever remain a secret. At first I felt like because the infertility was on his side and because that has to be difficult for him to deal with, I said that was fine. The more I think about it, though, the more uncomfortable I become.

The book I just read has experiences written by recipient parents, donor-conceived children and donors. It talks about how the majority of donor conceived children are never told. I can only imagine that they go on to have completely normal and happy lives. Those that are told that wrote in the book talked about having this feeling that something was different about them. They talk about how they felt like they were adopted and therefore weren't surprised to hear that they were donor-conceived. They talk about their journey to find out more about their donors.

It also talks about the huge weight that the parents carry knowing this secret if they choose to not tell their children.

So, I'm struggling with what to do. I go back and forth all the time on the issue. One thing I feel like I have decided is that if we do tell our kids, we will have to tell them early. One woman talked about starting to talk about it with her baby when she was still breastfeeding. It seems like the donor children that are now adults and learned late seemed to struggle with the information more than those that were told very early.

jennim1984 · March 2010

My concerns are having my children try to find the donor. This would devastate my DH.

I think that it would be a huge burden to bear to keep the secret, and I agree with you that if you tell, tell early. I think I teenager finding out this information would have a very hard time dealing. I actually chose a donor with the same blood type as DH so if we decide not to tell there would be no accidental discovery in science class (for ex.) ya know....We are doing a DS split this cycle and I almost want to tell the RE not even to tell me and DH is it's the DS embryos or not...then I'd never know either.

I'd be really interested to read that book, I'd love to be more informed before making the "to tell, or not to tell" decision. Thanks for sharing

roselln2 · March 2010

No problem. It's a pretty interesting book. It's written by an Australian, so some of the terminology is different (e.g., "egg pickup" instead of "egg retrieval"). Worms also recommended to me "Helping the Stork: The Choices and Challenges of Donor Insemination" (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/002861917X/ref=oss_product). I bought it but haven't read it yet because the first book is on my Kindle, and so it was easier to bring it with me at work to read during lunch without getting stared at, but it's next on my reading list. Good luck!

Yellow_Daisy · March 2010

Initially my DH had a hard time with the azoo dx, but he has never really struggled with the donor issue. He is very at peace with it and is also very open about it. He wants children as much as I do and he sees using DS as a means to an end while getting to experience everything he would have if we had biological children.

We plan to tell our child(ren) early and often. Everyone knows we are using a donor so keeping it a secret is not an option, it never was for us regardless. We also feel that by telling our child about the donor and how much we wanted them and how special they are because of it is a good thing. Secrets have a way of coming out eventually and we would never want our child to feel that we were ashamed of them or how we conceived them.

We are so grateful for the men who are donors and are giving us the opportunity to have a child and we want our child to know that because of someone else's kindness that we have been blessed to have a family. Obviously we won't come out with you were conceived via DS when they are 3 yrs old, but we do plan to start piecing things together for them at a very young age with information that is appropriate. We will probably start introducing the idea that we tried for a long time to have them and they are very special at around 3 yrs old and increasing the details as they are able to understand. There are a lot of books about telling your child and adjusting the information for age so it is appropriate.

We personally feel that the younger they are and the more often we tell them the less sensational the information becomes. If you tell your child about this on a regular basis it just becomes the norm, if you hold it in until they are in HS or older then it becomes a something you kept from them and they may not react positively to the news. We feel honesty and openness are the best policy regarding DS.

Also Sarahkelly (sarahaarssen@gmail.com) wrote a children's book about how they have dealt with the DS issue with their daughter. It was really cute. She is always open to chatting with people and has her email posted in the Azoo check in (I put it above). You could ask her if she will send you the book.

HTH!

jennim1984 · March 2010

Yellow_Daisy, I really like your perspective and it's going to give me a lot to think about. I love that telling them they you really wanted them and that they're special from a young age then increasing the info. It's one of my fears that my child will feel betrayed by me if I keep it a secret then they find out...because that's not my intention.

Roslln, I'm seriously getting those books TODAY. thanks

Yellow_Daisy · March 2010

jennim1984:

Yellow_Daisy, I really like your perspective and it's going to give me a lot to think about. I love that telling them they you really wanted them and that they're special from a young age then increasing the info. It's one of my fears that my child will feel betrayed by me if I keep it a secret then they find out...because that's not my intention.

Roslln, I'm seriously getting those books TODAY. thanks

Thanks! We have thought long and hard about how to tell our child.

jaminjeff · March 2010

I don't need DS, but I was just wondering if you think that book is a good recommendation. My DH's best friend and his wife have been trying for years and the RE told them they need to use DS. The husband is completely against it and it's causing a lot of grief between them, wherein she's feeling resentful, thinking he's ruining her only chance of conceiving and he's obviously upset that he can't do this himself.

I was curious if you liked this book enough to recommend it.

roselln2 · March 2010

Ladies, the book I just read mentioned a childrens' book called "My Story" that tells the story about a child that was conceived via donor insemination. Many parents in the book I read used that as a tool to speak to when talking to their children about donor insemination. I plan on buying it at some point to have on hand.

Yellow_Daisy, thanks for mentioning the other childrens' book. I will certainly look into it too

Just a thought... I wonder if it would be helpful to have a donor conception board on the Bump so that people facing donor conception or those with children from donor conception could talk and share stories. What do you think?

roselln2 · March 2010

jaminjeff:

I don't need DS, but I was just wondering if you think that book is a good recommendation. My DH's best friend and his wife have been trying for years and the RE told them they need to use DS. The husband is completely against it and it's causing a lot of grief between them, wherein she's feeling resentful, thinking he's ruining her only chance of conceiving and he's obviously upset that he can't do this himself.

I was curious if you liked this book enough to recommend it.

Which book, jaminjeff? The one I mentioned called Experiences of Donor Conception by Caroline Lorbach has been very helpful to me. I also plan on reading Helping the Stork next as I have heard it is terrific. Or are you asking about the childrens' books?

roselln2 · March 2010

Yellow_Daisy:
jennim1984:

Yellow_Daisy, I really like your perspective and it's going to give me a lot to think about. I love that telling them they you really wanted them and that they're special from a young age then increasing the info. It's one of my fears that my child will feel betrayed by me if I keep it a secret then they find out...because that's not my intention.

Roslln, I'm seriously getting those books TODAY. thanks

Thanks! We have thought long and hard about how to tell our child.

Yellow_Daisy, you were actually one of the people that inspired me to rethink how I feel about telling our kids. I hadn't planned on telling them, but you said some things that really made me think about it differently. Thank you.

Yellow_Daisy · March 2010

jaminjeff:

I don't need DS, but I was just wondering if you think that book is a good recommendation. My DH's best friend and his wife have been trying for years and the RE told them they need to use DS. The husband is completely against it and it's causing a lot of grief between them, wherein she's feeling resentful, thinking he's ruining her only chance of conceiving and he's obviously upset that he can't do this himself.

I was curious if you liked this book enough to recommend it.

I'll be honest unless both parties are ok with DS I would never recommend it. Reading the book may help your friend's DH, but ultimately he needs to deal with why he doesn't want to use a donor and whether he will ever be 100% ok with it. If he can't find 100% acceptance then I would never move forward with DS because how will that bleed over into raising a child conceived from DS? If he just gives in then yes they may get PG, but he may never totally bond with their child because of his feelings about DS. It may be something that he can never come to terms with. I would think in addition to any reading that you suggest, counseling would be a good idea too.

I wish your friends the best of luck! This is such a hard situation and completely devastating. Counseling really helped us cope with DH's diagnosis and make plans for the next steps we wanted to take. I can't recommend counseling enough if either one of them is on the fence.

Yellow_Daisy · March 2010

roselln2:
Yellow_Daisy:
jennim1984:

Yellow_Daisy, I really like your perspective and it's going to give me a lot to think about. I love that telling them they you really wanted them and that they're special from a young age then increasing the info. It's one of my fears that my child will feel betrayed by me if I keep it a secret then they find out...because that's not my intention.

Roslln, I'm seriously getting those books TODAY. thanks

Thanks! We have thought long and hard about how to tell our child.

Yellow_Daisy, you were actually one of the people that inspired me to rethink how I feel about telling our kids. I hadn't planned on telling them, but you said some things that really made me think about it differently. Thank you.

Roselln I am so glad that I was able to help in some way. We have had a lot of time to sort through what we want to do and how we feel about it. DH and I are so comfortable with the decision and have recieved so much support from everyone we tell, that we just know in our hearts that the choice to be open about our decision was the right one for us.

theworms · March 2010

Hi Ladies -

You've gotten some great advice from yellow_daisy and as you know I am in the tell camp.

DH did shut himself off for a long time and didn't want to talk about it but after failed mTESE last year he finally started opening up and we really work hard at keeping the communication lines open and me leaving him alone when he needs to not talk about it.

here's a good site with info and talking to kids

https://www.donor-conception-network.org/tellandtalk.htm

roselln2 · March 2010

theworms:

Hi Ladies -

You've gotten some great advice from yellow_daisy and as you know I am in the tell camp.

DH did shut himself off for a long time and didn't want to talk about it but after failed mTESE last year he finally started opening up and we really work hard at keeping the communication lines open and me leaving him alone when he needs to not talk about it.

here's a good site with info and talking to kids

https://www.donor-conception-network.org/tellandtalk.htm

Thanks, worms! I just discovered that site literally a couple of minutes ago. I'm a Googling fool today! I also found web site written by a "DI dad" called https://di-dad.blogspot.com/. I sent that to my husband to look at along with a online support community on Yahoo! that is kind of like the Bump but for men with donor-conceived children (https://us.groups.yahoo.com/group/di_dads/join).

theworms · March 2010

Did you see quintuplet surprise the other night on TLC? they used DS and are on TV talking about it.

It was nice that they were so open.

roselln2 · March 2010

theworms:

Did you see quintuplet surprise the other night on TLC? they used DS and are on TV talking about it.

It was nice that they were so open.

No, I didn't. Did they do donor IUI then, or was it IVF?

njohnson1972 · March 2010

I am not using DS, but I am considering DE.

I think we will chose to be open with the child because my family's medical history will not be part of their medical history. I think that is important for them to know that down the road.

I haven't decided who else should know. I think very close family only. And even then, I fear that people will look at the child and not think of me as its mother. And no way would I ever tell my dad's family. My dad asked if it was my eggs and DH's sperm for our IVF. I could tell it would be an issue for him. But that's not my problem.

theworms · March 2010

roselln2:
theworms:

Did you see quintuplet surprise the other night on TLC? they used DS and are on TV talking about it.

It was nice that they were so open.

No, I didn't. Did they do donor IUI then, or was it IVF?

DIUI both times - 1st pregnancy was singleton and 2nd pregnancy was 5

The husband has very low sperm count with bad parameters and they decided to use a donor.

jennim1984 · March 2010

Roselln, I totally agree with your idea for the donor conception board. I think it'd be a great idea There are a lot of people facing that and it comes with it's own set of issues....as we are discussing.

Worms, thanks for posting about that website, very helpful!

jaminjeff · March 2010

Roselln2, I was referring to the Experiences of Donor Conception book, which you seemed to like, so I'm assuming you'd recommend it.

Yellow, thanks for the advice, I sure don't want to put added pressure on them, that's the last thing they need! I may not mention this to them, I think they are going through counseling and are taking a break from trying for now until they decide how to proceed.

HitchedinIN · March 2010

These discussions are exactly what I need right now! We're about to fill out our paperwork for the sperm bank and I'm waivering more than I expected myself to. I just hope we're making the right decision. I think once we get past the procedures and hopefully achieve a pregnancy, I'll be more at ease. Another issue for me is the price. The IUI procedure is quite inexpensive, but the sperm bank is about three times more than I thought it would be. Money issues really make me uneasy, so I think that's one of my issues right now. But then again, it's a lot less than other treatments and adoption.

To the original questions. We always knew that azoo was a potential situation for us, because DH had chemo as an early teenager. Still we tried for a year before going to the doctor. And we had turned down an SA soon after we got married. I think that was a good choice, that would have been a lot for a new marriage to handle. Even though we knew azoo was a possibility, it was still devastating. DH didn't want to talk about it much, because "there wasn't much to say". At least when he spoke with me, he seemed guilty about not being able to give me a what I want. I think he knows, or he should know, is that all I really want is to raise our children together, no matter where the children come from. Both of us will be their parents, end of story. After the initial diagnosis, we weren't even going to meet with an RE to discuss our options. Eventually we did, but still thought we would go straight to adoption. We've been to an adoption agency information session and we've met with an adoption attorney. With out current situation, DS is the best option for us. But it's taken us quite a while to come to that point. But we're to the point that we're ready for the next step. Being ready is the most important place to get to before moving forward in my opinon. Also, it's a tough point to get to.

I've already posted about this is a more recent DS post, but I'll repeat anyway. We will absolutely be telling our child(ren) at a young age. I cannot imagine finding out as a teenager or an adult that what you've thought all along is not true. About the time we were becoming more serious about considering DS, we were listening to a story on NPR about a man who found out after this father passed away that he was not is bio father. It really seemed to throw his world upside down.

I've rambled long enough. Again, I'm really excited that there are so many of us considering DS, DE or DEmbryos right now. It's so helpful to know you're not alone!

roselln2 · March 2010

Hitched, Thanks for sharing your story! I hope that your dIUI is a success!

Want a personalized experience?

DS Ladies, Come In

Re: DS Ladies, Come In

Choose Another Board

Search Boards