advice for a sensitive way to tell...

saturdaynightdoubletree · March 2010

SIL just had a m/c this week... D&E Friday. Originally we were going to tell her next weekend while we were visiting, but I'm thinking with the circumstances it will be too early. We were planning on having kids around the same time... now I just feel guilty. How long should we wait to tell? I don't want her to find out from someone else, so we'll wait until we tell her before telling everyone. Any thoughts?

~*Sarah*~ · March 2010

how many weeks are you? i would maybe wait a few weeks to let her adjust with her loss but thats just me.

saturdaynightdoubletree · March 2010

lrachelle80:
From what I've read on the M&PL board, you might want to consider telling her via an email, as soon as possible. That will give her plenty of time to process the information, come to terms with it as much as she can, and put on a happy face when you do tell everyone else. I know a lot of people say to do it in person, but I see the advantage of email - it allows her to burst into tears, throw things, whatever - without having to put on a brave face in front of you. You might be shocked and find out that she's fine, in which case she'll likely call you right away and you can talk more in person, but if she's not fine it does allow her some privacy.

this sounds like a really good idea. most of her communication is through text/e-mail... that's how she told us. I'm thinking of still waiting a few weeks before telling her, and then telling others. She's already upset that we have a healthy baby, and she suffered a loss... I don't want to fuel the fire in any way and make things harder.

denise_m · March 2010

No matter what, she is going to be hurt. She is going to curse the world and wonder why you get to have 2 and she can't have 1. It's normal, it's not personal and it's not against you. She does not wish harm on you or your family, for you to lose your dd or for you to m/c. She just wishes it wouldn't have been her to m/c either.

Remember that.

I would tell her via email and tell her that you are so sorry for her loss and you really do wish that you were pregnant together. And stop there, no cliches, no "give it time", none of that. The only way you should refer to her loss is with a "I'm very sorry" and "If you ever need to talk or anything at all, please don't hesitate"

Do not take anything personally that she does or says the weeks after. Give her a heads up of at least a week or two before you tell everyone else. Do not expect her to be overly happy for you or to be a huge support system. Do not talk about the pregnancy with her unless she starts the conversation. Do not gush, be sure to be incredibly sensitive to her feelings and think before you speak.

saturdaynightdoubletree · March 2010

thank you for your advice and opinions.

JustAhopin · March 2010

I agree with the email too. With having gone thru a mc and a d/c. I was really heartbroken. I was actually heartbroken until I finally got this BFP. With reading a thoughtful email, she can have the emotions she'll have without hurting your feelings. You know she'll really be happy for you but she's bummed out about herself. Sometimes it's hard to hide that emotion when you first hear the news. By the time she sees you, she'll have figured out how to show her happiness for you.

Also, keep the pg talk to a minimum around her, unless she does bring it up.

It's a crazy emotional rollercoaster that people that haven't experienced it don't fully understand.

teachinbr · March 2010

Adding in, make sure to tell her before she would find out from others. I also agree that an email is the best way (not text) and to give her a few weeks if possible before informing her.

SammyJJo · March 2010

JustAhopin:
keep the pg talk to a minimum around her

This is a really good point too! Her pain is not going to be over after you make your announcement. You're going to have to be sensitive on an ongoing basis. I know it might seem like taking away from your big event if you stay mum around her, but I think its the right thing to do until she feels more comfortable with everything - which might be a while.

yodasmistress · March 2010

Don't blow smoke and rainbows up her @ss, saying stuff like you "just *know* she'll be pregnant soon". Recognize that her grief is hers and she has a right to it without having to endure someone (especially a perky pregnant woman) trying to cheer her up.

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