Secondary IF
Does anyone feel like...
IF diagnosis and treatment is kind of like the grieving process? You can not move to the next step until you have accepted the one you are on?
I remember my first RE apt. I FREAKED that I would maybe have to take Clomid... let alone IUI or IVF.... it might as well have been cutting off my arm. I was devastated. Slowly, I warmed up to each step that would bring me closer to my baby. I think it is that mentality (at least for me) that has given me the post -traumatic stress from IF that I deal with still.
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Re: Does anyone feel like...
Me, without a doubt. When my OB called and told me that I had PCOS and would probably not ever get pg without fertility drugs I thought my world was collapsing. When he broke out the prescription for clomid I sat in the car in front of the CVS and cried my eyes out before going in to fill it.
When time came for #2 and 5 rounds of Clomid didn't work and he referred me to my RE I was just as devastated. Not only did I freak out at having to give myself shots but the whole reason why I was there in the first place meant there was something horribly WRONG with me.
I grieved not being able to do it on our own. Of never having that 'SURPRISE! I'm knocked up' moment. Of the money it took to get where we are. My Angel Baby and the 2 years we spent getting treatment that we could have spent so much happier as a family.
My IF journey will always be a part of me. The things I have learned along the way about family, people in general and the unfairness of life will never go away. My road to #2 has made me the person I am today. Parts of it I would definitely change because it's not necessarily a good change but there are some valuable life lessons that I wouldn't trade for all the world.
Absolutely. I laugh at myself now looking back at how upset I got around 6 months of TTC that it hadn't happened. I felt like that was the end of the world and I was never going to have another child. Now I'm just always waiting for something else.... waiting for surgery, waiting to heal, waiting for AF to get her to give Clomid another shot, waiting for 3 months to go by to start injections or IUI.
It took almost 14 months to reach this point, but it's no longer devastating for me each month. It just is what it is and I know that I'll get pregnant eventually... it's just a matter of still waiting.
I don't know. I feel like I grieve each failed cycle, but I still move on whether I'm over it or not.
I am grateful for IF though. It sounds kind of sick and twisted, but I'm a better person because of it. I was never very sensitive to others before. I had never felt real grief in my life so I couldn't understand the grief of others. I think it has helped me to be a better wife, mother and friend.
Now that I've learned a lesson, can I have a baby? lol
This exactly!
Also, we have definitely grieved not being able to get pregnant on our own but I tend to be very open to new things (if/when money permits) I'm kinda like "drug me up and get me a baby darn it!" Although I was not like that in the beginning, so maybe it does take me a bit to get used to things? =S
"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
I can see that. I know for sure that before you move on to adoption you are supposed to be through the grieving process of not being able to have biological children. I think it was much harder for me the first time. Now somehow I feel more confident that I could get pregnant again since I've done it once. However that confidence could be misguided.
On the other hand, for me I was always worried that I might be infertile, so when it turned out I did have issues, I was much more quickly ready to move my efforts towards adoption... I didn't experience the shock stage of grief for as long. Whereas when my dad died unexpectedly 2 weeks before my due date I was in shock for months! I had this new baby and was sleepless and since I didn't live with him and see him everyday it was easier to not focus on the fact that he was gone. And then I was in the anger phase for a l o n g time. I think with IF my anger phase is short lived, it is just every month for a few days when I see my temp drop thru the first 2 days of AF. Then I cycle back into hope. I never get to cycle back to hope with my dad.
Right now, I have a TON of faith that we will get PG, it's just a matter of when. (Talk to me tomorrow - ha!) If "when" does not happen, that will be the biggest adjustment of all, as that will mean that I will not have any additional children through any means. Going to need therapy for that.
"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
Miracle DD born 12.2005
TTC #2 since Dec 2008 w/ PCOS
***P/SAIF Always Welcome***
Keep it Natural, Baby!