WWYD? DH's job situation

mavs_girl07 · March 2010

I guess I just need some outside observations and feedback on this.

A little background info: Right now we live 4-5 hrs from my family. DH's family is in SC, so we only see them 1-2x a year. I like it this way. His family and I do not get along at all, and don't see eye-to-eye on most things. DH and I both work, he works full time and I work part-time. I'd love to SAH with dd, but I can't due to finances so working part-time gives me a paycheck plus extra time with dd.

DH has been offered a job in Greenville, SC. It is his dream job, it's a huge step up from what he's doing now, a big salary increase, and there's even more room for advancement. I could stay at home with dd. HOWEVER, it means moving away from my family and the state I grew up in, and we'd be living about 30mins away from his family.

Financially and professionally it's wonderful. But I don't think I can be happy being so close to his family and so far away from mine. His family also has huge boundary issues, so I know it would be like the parents on Everybody Loves Raymond. They would just always be there. Is this awful of me?? I feel like such a b!tch of a wife to deny him this awesome opportunity because of family issues. But I truly see myself being miserable if we moved. WWYD?

heleneau · March 2010

Lay down some ground rules with DH about the family coming and goings and how you feel...but you should def let him take this opportunity especially in this economy

and even moreso if it's his dream job. people have to make sacrifices in life and this time it sounds like it's your turn.

Sherriberry · March 2010

I would probably stay where you are. Sounds like his happiness would cause you to be miserable, which isn't fair. Sounds like you have a pretty good situation now.

Sharon&Paul · March 2010

That a hard one. I would probably take the opportunity, because I don't mind travelling to family, but some people are really attached to living at home. You have to be realistic with yourself or you will not be happy in the long run.

futuremrszig · March 2010

I'd support my husband & move. Definitly set some boundries with his family....before you move. Good Luck whatever you decide.

EastCoastBride · March 2010

Does your DH not see his family the way you do? If he doesnt', then you know waht I'm about to say.... you have a DH problem!

If the two of you are on the same page, YOU can set boundaries. Doesn't matter if his family has them or not, it's up to the two of you to set them. Sure, it may be hard at first, but that's the only way to do it.

However, if you aren't on the same page, then I think I would not be so supportive or quick to make this move.

LynnJones · March 2010

Hmm that's a tough one but I'd probaby have to move, especially since it's dh's dream job and you'd get to be a sahm which you want too I'd just tell dh your feelings about his family and keep the communication open once you move there.

I think you'd be giving up a lot of opportunity just to stay where you because of his family. Plus more money means you could probably visit your family a lot. Good luck!

mulva33 · March 2010

Hm. That's a really tough call. Do you really feel like you cannot establish boundaries w/ the inlaws? They are 30 min away. In my mind, that's a doable buffer zone, even if you dislike them.

I place a greater value on career and financial stability, then being close to my family, so I think I would bite the bullet and go. But, it's hard to say that's what you should do b/c seems like being close to your family is really important to you and perhaps the most important thing.

What about your H? will he resent you for this? I am very career driven, and if this was my situation and H did not want me to accept a job, I might be really resentful.

Not much advice, but I think it's something you need to work out w/ your H.

TexasLadyBug · March 2010

When I found out I was pregnant with DS we lived in Dh's home city and all I could think of is that I want to have this baby back home close to my family. Faith was on our side and DH got a great Job placement in my home town. Needless to say we went for it. I love being here around my family, although I miss all my friends in the other city. However I am super happy I do not live close to the IL's now.

However with all that being said if I were in your shows we would make the move. Things change and once your Dh moves up you might be moving back home or to another great state. If you end up being a SAHM you will have a ton of time to travel with DD to your home state.

I hope all works out with you! Good Luck!

CFO · March 2010

Is this part of the "ladder" at his job? Would it be a stepping stone to other growth that could even potentially lead you back to your current area in the future? I would do it. A better life for your family longterm is more important than your discomfort shortterm...and you never know, you could love it there!

mavs_girl07 · March 2010

EastCoastBride:

Does your DH not see his family the way you do? If he doesnt', then you know waht I'm about to say.... you have a DH problem!

If the two of you are on the same page, YOU can set boundaries. Doesn't matter if his family has them or not, it's up to the two of you to set them. Sure, it may be hard at first, but that's the only way to do it.

However, if you aren't on the same page, then I think I would not be so supportive or quick to make this move.

Lol, no he doesn't and you're right! He is part of the problem! He's an only child and he is just the center of their universe. And he likes it that way. We've talked and talked about it, but it's the only way he's ever known their relationship to be so he honestly doesn't see the problem.

jenhum · March 2010

First, I just want to say that my parents live in Greenville and it is a GREAT town. I'd love to live there, even if my parents weren't there.

With that said, I'm kind of similar to you in that I am really close to my family (as is DH) and I don't really care for his family that much. He is not very close to them either, and a 2-3 day visit 1-2 year is plenty for both of us. So in your situation, I think I'd want to stay put. But I think that's going to be tough since your DH gets along well with them and it's his dream job. GL!

mavs_girl07 · March 2010

mulva- I do worry that he'll resent me for this. Especially if something happens with his job now. There are no signs of anything happening, but I just worry about the what-ifs. What if he for whatever reason gets laid off? He would've had this wonderful opportunity at his fingertips and turned it down because of me and my issues with his family. I truly don't think we'll be able to set boundaries, though. Because he just doesn't see the problem with how they are.

*KatieH* · March 2010

So really it would be a win-win situation if he took this except those pesky in-laws!?! Set boundaries and stick with them. Let your husband know what you are giving up, talk about the future a lot and make the decision but don't base it on your in-laws.

Parks2Be · March 2010

I would lay out the ground rules in regards to the IL's and make the move.

erbear · March 2010

I'd take the job (esp. b/c it means you can stay home like you want), but be damn sure to set up some boundaries with the fam first. What does DH think? It sounds like he's been away from his family for a long time (and close to yours); maybe it's time to even that out.

~AllSmiles~ · March 2010

mavs_girl07:
mulva- I do worry that he'll resent me for this. Especially if something happens with his job now. There are no signs of anything happening, but I just worry about the what-ifs. What if he for whatever reason gets laid off? He would've had this wonderful opportunity at his fingertips and turned it down because of me and my issues with his family. I truly don't think we'll be able to set boundaries, though. Because he just doesn't see the problem with how they are.

I understand that you're very worried about being near his family, but you need to take them out of the equation when you make this decision. If you weren't going to be so close to them, then would you want to move to that city? Then would you be okay with being far away from your family? Then would you be okay about being a SAHM? If the answer is still no, then there you have it.

But, if your answer changed to yes, then you need to rethink your stance on the ILs. I can tell you from personal experience that 30 mins is still pretty far away. It's not like Raymond where they would be across the street and able to drop in multiple times a day and always know when you're home and when you're not.

AmyCC1980 · March 2010

Well, first I will say that I live in Greenville and I LOVE IT. It's a great town, very family friendly with lots to do. From an outside view it seems that the positives do out weigh the negatives in this situation. Pro - Your DH gets his dream job, you get to SAH. Con - You are far away from your family and close to his family. Now I am blessed in that my ILs live 3 hours from me

and I understand your concerns about being so close to them. If it were me, I would have a VERY honest heart to heart with DH before any final decisions are made and just lay it all out on the table. Let him know your concerns with his family, ask what he thinks good solutions might be, and make 100% sure that if/when you do move, he will be the one to run interference with his family and always back you up. If you set the ground rules as soon as you move and his family understands and knows that your DH is in agreement, hopefully you won't have many issues. Good luck!!

silvurturtle · March 2010

heleneau:
Lay down some ground rules with DH about the family coming and goings and how you feel...but you should def let him take this opportunity especially in this economy and even moreso if it's his dream job. people have to make sacrifices in life and this time it sounds like it's your turn.

I totally agree with this. It is important for you DH to be on board and the enforcer of the ground rules.

EastCoastBride · March 2010

mavs_girl07:
I do worry that he'll resent me for this. ..... He would've had this wonderful opportunity at his fingertips and turned it down because of me and my issues with his family. I truly don't think we'll be able to set boundaries, though. Because he just doesn't see the problem with how they are.

But you may end up resenting him if you do move and he just doesn't back you up when it comes to his family.

It goes both ways and I think you need to really talk and hash this out. If there is no getting him to a place where he at least agrees to back you up, even if he doesn't understand, then I jsut don't know that I would chance it.

Living close to my parents and having them so involved in DS's life- it would be realyl, really, really hard for me to leave that to go to an environment where I KNOW I'm gonig to be upset and frustrated.

mavs_girl07 · March 2010

EastCoastBride:

mavs_girl07:
I do worry that he'll resent me for this. ..... He would've had this wonderful opportunity at his fingertips and turned it down because of me and my issues with his family. I truly don't think we'll be able to set boundaries, though. Because he just doesn't see the problem with how they are.

But you may end up resenting him if you do move and he just doesn't back you up when it comes to his family.

It goes both ways and I think you need to really talk and hash this out. If there is no getting him to a place where he at least agrees to back you up, even if he doesn't understand, then I jsut don't know that I would chance it.

Living close to my parents and having them so involved in DS's life- it would be realyl, really, really hard for me to leave that to go to an environment where I KNOW I'm gonig to be upset and frustrated.

Yep. Yep, yep, yep. All good points, thank you. And your last paragraph just sums up my feelings perfectly.

mulva33 · March 2010

Well, you know, the up-side is that if he's bomb-diggitty enough to get this great opportunty, there is no reason to believe he won't get another even more great opportunity that fits all family's needs perfectly. So, that's something to keep in mind.

lisaNov3 · March 2010

personally.. i'd bite the bullet and do it because it would mean a better life for my family. I'd definitely set up boundaries with the ILs, look into a bunch of day programs & activities to keep you & your LO busy, and perhaps look at this as just a new chapter in your lives. it's not like you're moving to australia or anything.. just a few states away..

vanillacourage · March 2010

I would lay out minimum ground rules with DH, and pick a house on the opposite side of town from the inlaws to give me even more of a buffer.

Toosdai · March 2010

I agree with ECB too but I wonder if part of the 'issue' is on your end, too?

You don't like them therefore you go into every interaction with them negatively and you end up being miserable.

From personal experience, I know that I tend to be a negative Nancy when it comes to certain situations and I let that attitude drive how I act/react while I'm in the situation. Could this be the same with you?

GL - you are in a tough spot.

mavs_girl07 · March 2010

Toosdai:

I agree with ECB too but I wonder if part of the 'issue' is on your end, too?

You don't like them therefore you go into every interaction with them negatively and you end up being miserable.

From personal experience, I know that I tend to be a negative Nancy when it comes to certain situations and I let that attitude drive how I act/react while I'm in the situation. Could this be the same with you?

GL - you are in a tough spot.

Of course not! I am totally flawless when it comes to these issues! lol Kidding, yes I do think about this and I try to go into all of our visits/conversations with a positive attitude but somehow it always ends the same way.

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