More insensitive remarks (kind of long, sorry)

spincat9 · March 2010

Maybe I'm just too sensitive, I can't decide.

My husband's cousin just had a baby yesterday - we are all THRILLED for them because they lost their first and have waited a long time for their baby. Healthy baby girl - just gorgeous.

I'd be lying though if I said my heart didn't hurt today because we lost our first baby a little over a month ago.

So we're in the car today w/my FIL and we ask whether my MIL has seen the baby. The response is "Well of course she's happy but she's not, because now her sister has x number of grandchildren and she has none."

Honestly, if your daughter in law, who just lost a baby a month ago, is in the back seat of the car, do you really rub her nose in the fact that grandma is mad because she has no grandkids yet (because you lost yours).????

There is so much wrong with that. I feel angry at the insensitivity to how recent our loss was, happy for the cousin who is a new mom, and so sad still that we don't have our baby. But it's like my MIL cares more about the fact that she's behind her sister in the grandchild tally than she cares about the actual loss we had.

I just don't feel like anyone understands the trauma that we went through. Even my husband admits he has no idea how traumatic it was for me between the blood and the pain - but at least he gets that and tries to understand. But my inlaws I feel are just caught up in the drama. They wanted to tell other people about it, and we want to keep it private. Personally I think they just want to wear it like some badge of honor. Like "oh, we lost our first grandchild, we're devastated". Newsflash, it's not about them. I don't think she gets how damaging it is to feel that pressure to reproduce after you just lost a child. Hello, give us a break perhaps to recuperate.

I'm so sad we'll never know our first child. TT That's all that matters to me right now, is the loss. Sorry so long...

SassyRedhead · March 2010

spincat9 you are not overracting here. Your FIL's comments were completely out of line. If I were in the car I would have made a grand statement that put him in his place. I don't think his comment was deliberate to hurt you....some people just don't think!

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you had to listen to that. Sad

love4existence · March 2010

im so sorry. He WAS competely out of line,but he may have just blurted it out without thinking,considering he IS a man and less sensitive to those issues and probably less tuned in to others emotions. while that in no way excuses him,i doubt he meant harm by it and probably just wasnt thinking at all before speaking. Had it been me,i definitely would have said something,i couldnt have stayed silent. thats a really painful thing to hear.

betizzle73 · March 2010

Ugh - Insensitive comments seem to be the theme of the day!
I don't think you are over reacting at ALL. I'm sure your FIL didn't mean any harm by it, but it seems like their general behavior/attitude during this whole thing has been less than appropriate! I'm sorry that your in-laws are being so insensitive. Mine have been less than perfect, too. My future FIL went on for about 20 minutes the night before my daughter's funeral about how painful this was for him and why... and never once asked how we were feeling. I finally had to get up and leave the room. I get it, it's their first grand child, but seriously? NOT about you. I get it that it's hard to understand what we're going through.. but most of this stuff seems like it should be common sense, right? So annoying!

I hope things get better for you!

*K · March 2010

First, I am so sorry for your loss. I would feel completely the same way. I think people simply don't know how to react. Not a single person has said anything to me that has been comforting or shows that they even realize what we are upset about. Unless someone has been through it, I just don't think they get it...

Cristine · March 2010

You're not overreacting at all. What a horrible thing to say. Some people are so self-centered that they never think about how thier comments make other feel. I"m sorry you had to hear that.

BTW I completely know what you mean about other people not knowing how traumatic this if for you. I don't think my husband or my family gets it at all. They try but its just not the same to them. If you have any friends who've been through this seek them out or talk it out on here because it really really helps to talk about it.

me731852000 · March 2010

Sorry to hear about yor loss. You are not over reacting. In fact I think you took it pretty well. I would have broke down and cried than I would have said stuff I would have regreted later. I try to keep in mind that inless they were where I am they don't know any better. Some people don't think. Sorry you have to deal with this kind of treatment. I hope things get better for you and DH.

Have a smile for while, Turn that frown upside down. Big Smile

Huggs

spincat9 · March 2010

Thank you, first of all, for all of your words of support and affirmation. It's nice to know that I'm not blowing this out of proportion.

I think because we are newlyweds I am trying to tread lightly in the area of putting my FIL in his place, even though there have been many times it was tempting. I don't think he will be so lucky the next go around, because now not only am I mad and hurt, but my husband is HORRIFIED that his parents have been acting this way so he won't be likely to let a comment like that go unacknowledged either...

There are so many things is their lives to be thankful for, I think competing with a sibling (or more accurately being jealous) over # of grandchildren is utterly ridiculous, and puts your children in a very awkward and stressful position. It's our lives and our reproductive plan, not theirs for heaven's sake!

Anyway, thank you ladies, for always being there as a source of support and kindness. This can be a very lonely time, and I have been grateful for your opinions on various things. My thoughts are w/all of you as well as we heal.

butterfly843 · March 2010

Sending hugs, your fil's comments were out of line. My aunt made a comment at christmas time (a little over a month after my loss) how it looks like maybe my younger brother would give the first grandchild. He isn't in a serious relationship, not thinking about kids and here I am married and just lost twins.

mdm2137 · March 2010

You are not being oversensitive. I'm sorry your FIL made that comment to you. Obviously your inlaws have no clue what you're going through. I'm so sorry for your loss. ((hugs))

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