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how do you deal with the "why"?

MrsLeannaMrsLeanna member
in Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

I so badly want an answer for why this happened.   I know that these things happen and its pretty common but that doesn't change the not so rational part of my mind from wondering if there was something I did or did not do. 

How do you deal with the whys and just put that aside and accept that there probably aren't going to be answers. 

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Re: how do you deal with the "why"?

  • BlakeGBlakeG member
    I wish I had advice for you but I don't.  If you figure out the answer to this please share...
    Natural BFP - 2/13/10, Natural M/C - 3/9/10 (Missed m/c found at 8wks 4days) Prenatal B/W shows I'm a Beta Thal carrier & so is DH. Onto IVF w/PGD... Jan 2011 - IVF #1 - C/P Mar 2011 - IVF #2 - Day 5 PGD, no ET, 5 snow babies May 2011 - FET #1 - BFP!! Twins!!! 2/9/12 - Our precious miracles arrived! Baby A 7lbs 13oz & Baby B 5lbs 13oz
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  • RomeRomance06RomeRomance06
    I've heard a lot of "answers" to the "why" question since I m/c 3 weeks ago from people who have never had a m/c i.e. your body wasn't ready but now it's warming up for a successful pregnancy (this one makes no sense to me). And from people who have had a m/c i.e. something was seriously wrong and your body chose to end it now instead of prolonging something that would inevitably end anyway. I obviously have no scientific answers to why since there was no way to test it, but I do struggle with the unknown too. Like, what if something is seriously wrong with me and I'll never be able to carry a baby to full term, how will I know? The only thing that helps me is looking around at my friends who have had m/c and went on to have children and they're OK. I HAVE to believe that I will be joining them at some point.
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  • chuleysnacketychuleysnackety
    Personally, I try to find the answers that I can.. I have educated myself on what was the likely cause of both my losses.. and how I can prevent them the next time..then I try to do the hardest thing.. and thats accept that I may never know fully what caused them.. and try HARD to accept that..as I said it is the hardest thing to do..
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  • Lissa832Lissa832 member
    Researching.  My first m/c was almost 5 years ago.  I spent probably a good year after that loss just googling.  I needed answers.  This past year has been spent doing the same thing.  Unfortunately for me, there aren't any answers to give according to my RE.  I desperately want answers, but sometimes there aren't any.
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  • Mrs.AlbieMrs.Albie member
    I have done a lot of reading to educate myself about what I've experienced and what I may expect in the future.  There are no firm answers about Why in science.  I find myself delving into my faith to answer Why.  It comforts me to think that God had a plan when he introduced this baby into my life for a short period of time.  What comforts me the most is that God heard my prayers for a big, happy family (not a disfunctional one like I grew up in).  He gave and then took this baby so my marriage would be stronger, and my love and appreciation for my children would grow deeper.  Maybe its a bunch of bunk, but it makes me feel better. 
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    DS2 born 9/13/12

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  • Amanda02aAmanda02a

    I think this is what I'm having the hardest time with.  I lost our baby Sunday at 12 weeks and I just want to know what happened and why?  

    I think I'm a rational person, but in the ER I repeatedly asked why can't they stop this from happening.   

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  • L&T4/8/06L&T4/8/06

    I struggle with this too but I haven't come up with an answer yet.  I have a hard time accepting the phrase "It's was God's plan" too.  I don't mean to offend anyone but I'm struggling with my faith right now. 

    I do believe that what happened was out of my control.  Whether it was God or just plain bad luck, there was nothing I could do about it.  I'm sorry for your loss.  Hang in there!

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  • emeraudecephiroemeraudecephiro member
    I agree with the above poster. Sometimes as we hate to hear it...It happens for some reason...who knows why...It just does. It may not make it easier...but better than beating yourself up trying to figure it out. T&P :)
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  • me731852000me731852000

    I still ask myself the why's and think maybe it was something I did but i looked up everything I could think of that I did that I blamed myself for. Found out everything I did was fine. Taking a bath, exercising, and telling everyone. I felt like by telling everyone I jinxed myself. Then I remember that I didn't do anything and that I have to look forward not behind. " If, if and buts were candy and nuts the world would never go hunry."- My Uncle told me this. You can't change the past but you can change the furture. It's your choice. That has helped me to see tomorrow!!! It did take time though and I still have my moments.

    Sorry for your loss and if ever you need anything we are all here for you!!Wink

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