Bachelorette Party Dilemma (long)

ceramsey · March 2010

Let me preface by saying I am not against LO having a bottle but would prefer him not to have 2 consecutively b/c 1) he doesn't have them often at all and has a difficult time latching, causing major frustration on his end, and 2) I'd have to pump and would rather just feed him then attach myself to the pump for 15 minutes.

So here's the deal: The bride lives 2 hours south of me, as do most of the people she wants invited to her party. There was talk of having the party in Boston, a half way point for me and the MOH, but people don't want to pay for a hotel (I would go home, so not a concern for me). So, they have pretty much decided to have it in Newport, RI, having a cookout at her SIL-to-be's house, going out in Newport, and then all staying at her SIL's after the party.

Here's my issue: I'm already driving 4hrs (round trip) to her shower and having a difficult time trying to figure out where DH and LO will go during the 4hr shower (during which time he would get 1 bottle. I would nurse him before and after the shower). Now they want me to drive 2hrs each way for a cookout (because I am not going out in Newport b/c that would mean getting a hotel for the night, more $$ on my end. We're already not staying at the Hilton for the wedding-ca-ching ca-ching- which is also 2hrs away and they're having the rehearsal on Thursday so that's 3 nights in a hotel-ugh! I digress).

I would LOVE to go to the party but I'm having trouble justifying the time I'm going to spend driving in ratio to the time I will actually spend there. Not to mention how many bottles LO would then need if the cookout went longer, plus I would have to pump in the middle of the party. Is it bad that I would rather spend time with my family? It's not like I'm going to get wasted like everyone else is (they're taking a limo to Newport) and I hate being sober around drunk people...

Any suggestions? I'm really leaning towards not going but feel awful telling my friend and am already feeling pressure from the MOH ("Can't you pump enough to sustain him for a few hours?") The MOH and bride are my two best friends from college but so not on the same life path as I am right now...THOUGHTS???

MrsB0701 · March 2010

My personal thoughts...don't go or if you do go take LO to the cookout with you and then leave after the cookout...although that's a lot of time to drive and a lot of time for LO to be stuck in the carseat, IMO.

popcorn13 · March 2010

I have friends who dont' really understand the nursing/pumping thing either b/c they've never done it. I have enough trouble pumping enough for LO when she's at daycare, let alone for situations like you described so I can understand. On the other hand if you want to go, I wouldn't let an extra bottle get in your way. I know it's not a baby shower, but could you take LO to the shower with you and nurse there rather then having to pump? Maybe the same for the cookout unless it's a situation where people are going to get sloppy drunk or something. Sounds like a casual event so maybe you could just take baby along? If you're really concerned, and it sounds like DH is going to make the drive with you, maybe he can bring LO to you when hungry so you can nurse and then make himself scarce with LO again? I don't know...just some ideas. If you want to go, I'd go and let LO have the bottle. A little time away is good for all of us

tiffanylaw06 · March 2010

I wouldn't go to the cookout. I think as a BM you should support the bride and try to go to most events, but there isn't an obligation to attend all these parties. It's a lot of driving and you are a new mom. Your friend should understand.

Useonfire · March 2010

tiffanylaw06:
I wouldn't go to the cookout. I think as a BM you should support the bride and try to go to most events, but there isn't an obligation to attend all these parties. It's a lot of driving and you are a new mom. Your friend should understand.

This exactly!

If she doesn't understand how difficult it would be for you, and completely understand why you're not going, then not that great of a friend, but I get the feeling she'd understand.

MrsGhappilyeverafter · March 2010

I wouldn't want to have to give that many bottles either because I know DS struggles with latching as it is so I wouldn't want to have to worry about that. But maybe that's just me. I know it is frustrating when people don't understand the nursing/pumping thing. I don't think you should feel obligated to go.

PurpleK26 · March 2010

I think, pick one or two events, and forget the rest. I'm willing to bet you don't even NEED to be at the rehearsal... we all know how to walk down an aisle right?

If you lived 10 minutes away, I'd have a different opinion, but 2 hours away from all of these events would be enough for me to tell you to skip one or two events even if you didn't have a baby!

Yes, it sucks to have to miss a thing or two, but if you'd RATHER be with your baby anyways, it's not such a big loss to you. The bride will miss you I'm sure, but there will be plenty of other people there to distract her, and a few drinks in and they'll all be fine.

Aside from that, a good friend will understand.

saverne · March 2010

Ditto to all the pps. I don't think people realize what they are asking of BFing moms unless they have been through it. I am actually trying to figure a simialr situation out for this weekend. We are driving 1.5 hrs so I can be at a bridal shower/bachelorette weekend. DD and DH will spend time together and I am just going to feed her before and after the bridal shower, then leave the bachelorette part early. I think most bachelorette parties are overrated and I will not be drinking so why stay late? I do feel like the effort to be there for most of it should be enough. If you can't go to everything they should understand. BFing isn't forever and you will be able to do stuff like that in the future.

vml14 · March 2010

PurpleK26:

I think, pick one or two events, and forget the rest. I'm willing to bet you don't even NEED to be at the rehearsal... we all know how to walk down an aisle right?

If you lived 10 minutes away, I'd have a different opinion, but 2 hours away from all of these events would be enough for me to tell you to skip one or two events even if you didn't have a baby!

Yes, it sucks to have to miss a thing or two, but if you'd RATHER be with your baby anyways, it's not such a big loss to you. The bride will miss you I'm sure, but there will be plenty of other people there to distract her, and a few drinks in and they'll all be fine.

Aside from that, a good friend will understand.

To take a different approach than the others (and not meaning to flame, just sharing a different perspective)....

I personally would try to go to as many events as possible... pumping a couple of times and having your LO take a bottle more than once in order to take part in your friends' wedding celebration would be totally worth it. As someone who exclusively pumped for 6 weeks, it's possible. You just have to find a place, and bring a cooler. It's not a big deal. Is it easier to just nurse your baby? Sure. But a huge inconvenience to have to pump one time? Not really.

Try to think back to your own wedding and how you would have felt if your bridesmaids couldn't come to your shower/bach party/rehearsal, etc. Would it be a huge loss to you? Probably not. To your friend, probably. Even though you are now at a different point in your life, and totally consumed by your baby (as you should be), doesn't mean that her wedding events aren't important, too. I would be pretty pissed if a friend didn't come to my events simply because it was inconvenient.

ceramsey · March 2010

Thanks for all the advice and perspective, ladies. I think what I'll do is make it a day trip for all of us, that way I can feed him right up until the shower, Patrick and DH can go have man-time during the cookout, and then we can ride home together. It's the only way to make everyone relatively happy (although I'm sure DH isn't going to enjoy another Saturday being taken away haha) Oh the drama!

Want a personalized experience?

Bachelorette Party Dilemma (long)

Re: Bachelorette Party Dilemma (long)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards