am I being unreasonable? advice wanted!

AmandaJane1 · March 2010

For long, complicated reasons I will not go into (unless pp seem to think its necessary), my FIL might be staying with us for a couple of weeks around my due date. We live in a one bedroom apartment, and he usually sleeps on a blow up mattress on the floor in the living room, and although he tries to give us our space, its kind of hard in such a small apartment.

I love my FIL, but usually when he stays with us, its for 3 or 4 nights and then he leaves, and both DH and I find that is enough. I'm not exactly thrilled with the idea of him being here for a month, possibly on my due date and a little after... I'm a pretty private person, and I want to spend the beginning stages of labor at home with just DH and our doula, not my FIL (or anyone else). I also want to come home to a quiet apartment and have it just be me, DH and the baby.

I don't know what his other options would be as far as living arrangements if we tell him we can't really have him stay with us for that long, and he has offered to help us get ready to move, which is really great! I don't want to be ungrateful, he has always been wonderful to us, but I REALLY don't want him staying with us that close to my due date (and definitely not after the baby is born). Am I being unreasonable? I haven't talked to DH yet- I wanted honest opinions from you ladies before I do. Thanks for the help.

lildevil968 · March 2010

I don't think so.

jaime5121 · March 2010

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. My in-laws scheduled their vacation during my due date - they live 8 hours away. This was after being specifically asked not to. We wanted the time alone with our son to get used to being a family and having a newborn. It is a very special time, and I think your FIL will understand if you explain it to him like that. GL

StrawberryAlarmClock · March 2010

Doesn't he know anyone else who would let him stay at their place? Maybe he even has a friend with a guest room? I'm not sure how old he is but I know that if my FIL slept on an air mattress, we'd be footing his chiro bill, too!!

PS no you are not unrasonable at all. This is an intimate time for you & DH. Who wants an audience when they're doing the labor dance in kitchen and breathing: "he-he-he-hmmmmm" LOL

MWoodside · March 2010

Is there really no where else he can stay?

Neen33 · March 2010

Sounds like a difficult situation. I assume there is some good reason that FIL is asking to stay with you for a month and I'm sure he's aware it's not ideal either. My IL's will be here for about a month too but thankfully we have the space. We've explained to them that when labor starts we will be asking them to leave so that we can labor at home with our doula in privacy. They understand that.

I guess I would have a good heart to heart with DH and see if he can think of any alternatives for his dad. Sorry it's so difficult.

scubaspot · March 2010

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I think that your FIL needs to understand the predicament that you are in with the baby coming and he should find other accommodations. Surely there is another family member or friend that he can stay with. If there isn't then he should stay at a hotel.

misscharlotte04 · March 2010

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. It is totally understandable to want to be alone with your DH while you are in labor before you go to the hospital, and to want to be alone when you first bring LO home.

My boyfriend and I have discussed people coming and staying with us and visiting and we have both decided that for the first few days we do not want visitors, just time to bond with baby and be together as a new little family. We have filled our family and friends in on our desire to be alone for a few days, and they have been totally understanding.

Would it be possibly for your FIL to stay at one of those extended stay hotels (or a hotel with reasonable/decent prices) for before your LO arrives until a few days after, and then when you are feeling up to visitors he can some stay at your apartment?

sarah.sarah · March 2010

i don't think so. can't he stay at an extended-stay hotel for a week? they are around $100 for 5-7 days.

he should understand that it's really not a feasible time to have a guest.

Qmommy · March 2010

I don't know why he would be staying with you but it sounds like a long time for anyone to be sleeping in the living room on a blow up mattress.

megperk72 · March 2010

Uh, no. Not unreasonable at all. I told my husband last night that I even wanted to go so far as putting something up to cover the glass on the front door and putting a sign up saying "New baby. No solicitations. Please do not knock or ring doorbell. Call us first to see if we are available." And then we'll only have our phones turned on when we're ready for visitors. I really don't want a bunch of people parading through the front door when baby and I are trying to get the hang of breastfeeding, when I can barely walk from being so sore, when I have to take a squirt bottle to the bathroom each time I go, warm baths several times a day to relieve pain, and so forth. Plus, with the baby up every 2-3 hours, your FIL is not going to get much sleep. So I'd suggest that you talk very sweetly to your DH and explain all this, sometimes men just don't understand the intricacies of bringing a baby home and what all is required. You will need some recovery time as well, and you will all three be figuring things out those first couple of weeks. Good luck, I think/hope once you explain all this that your FIL wouldn't WANT to be around..haha!

lolagrinnin · March 2010

AmandaJane1:

I love my FIL, but usually when he stays with us, its for 3 or 4 nights and then he leaves, and both DH and I find that is enough. I'm not exactly thrilled with the idea of him being here for a month, possibly on my due date and a little after... I'm a pretty private person, and I want to spend the beginning stages of labor at home with just DH and our doula, not my FIL (or anyone else). I also want to come home to a quiet apartment and have it just be me, DH and the baby.

It sounds like your primary concern is for the time around delivery and soon after. Could you ask him to find somewhere else to stay during just that time? The rest of your post makes it seem like he's a reasonable person and you guys have a good relationship, so hopefully he'd be understanding of this request. And no, you're not being unreasonable.

AmandaJane1 · March 2010

Neen33:
Sounds like a difficult situation. I assume there is some good reason that FIL is asking to stay with you for a month and I'm sure he's aware it's not ideal either. My IL's will be here for about a month too but thankfully we have the space. We've explained to them that when labor starts we will be asking them to leave so that we can labor at home with our doula in privacy. They understand that.

I think this is what we will do- have him find somewhere else to stay once I go into labor, if we can't come to a better solution. The only other place we can think of is with my MIL, his ex-wife...which will not work. I'm sure if we have the discussion with him he will be understanding- I just feel bad putting him out. Thanks for all the advice ladies!

Sugarnear · March 2010

AmandaJane1:
Neen33:
Sounds like a difficult situation. I assume there is some good reason that FIL is asking to stay with you for a month and I'm sure he's aware it's not ideal either. My IL's will be here for about a month too but thankfully we have the space. We've explained to them that when labor starts we will be asking them to leave so that we can labor at home with our doula in privacy. They understand that.

I think this is what we will do- have him find somewhere else to stay once I go into labor, if we can't come to a better solution. The only other place we can think of is with my MIL, his ex-wife...which will not work. I'm sure if we have the discussion with him he will be understanding- I just feel bad putting him out. Thanks for all the advice ladies!

Why can't he stay in a hotel?

stgn01 · March 2010

I don't think it's unreasonable at all. I'm kinda surprised you are offering and he is accepting considering you all know that you're pregnant and could go into labor at any time. He sounds lik a common sense kinda guy, so it sounds like he would understand if you asked him to leave when laboring. There is really no other option? Not a hotel, friends house, other family, hell, even a homeless shelter! There are programs for people who have lost their housing....if that is his situation. GL!

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