IL advise, please (a bit long)

TXgrlnFL · March 2010

Hi Ladies,

I am in need of honest advise. I will attempt to make this as short as possible...

A few weeks back someone posted on who would be visiting after LO was born ? parents, ILs, and when. At that time, I was at peace with the idea that my parents and the ILs were coming for 2 weeks when Lily is born. I wasn?t thrilled of the idea of having 4 extra adults and the ILs 4 dogs as company since this is our first baby and I don?t know what to expect, but I was trying to be unselfish and realize that my DH wants his parents there as much as I want mine and this is a new grandbaby for everyone. Well, the ILs came down a week and a half ago for my shower. The first night (DH was on shift), MIL notified me that they were waiting until after my parents left to come down. Her explanation was that she wanted to be selfish and have Lily to herself and not have to share with another Grandmother (my mom) and they would definitely be bringing the dogs since they have no one to watch them. Yesterday, my mom informed me that after my shower on Saturday, MIL told her that FIL was not coming down at all so he could stay home with the dogs. Last night, I mention this to DH and his response was that ILs were coming down, with the dogs, but they were waiting for my parents to leave because they feel they?d be ?in the way?. WTF? I feel like MIL is being a tad manipulative, telling me one thing and then twisting it around to DH and that she?s making it my parent?s fault they can?t come down. I have been so angry since last night and I can?t focus on anything today. Not to be nasty, but I don?t really care about anyone?s feelings but DHs. I want him to be happy. Am I making too much of it? Do I bring it back up? Let it go? Am I just feeling guilty because I?m glad they?re waiting? They?re here until Friday and I feel horribly uncomfortable. I wish one of you were close so you could smack me! Advise, opinions?..

amandydean · March 2010

It sounds like things will work out better that way, anyway, right? As irritating as I know it is that they are being a bit manipulative, I'd go with it and be glad that rather than a house full for 4 weeks, you'll have help for longer time, and not have to deal with any tension in the house between families. As long as your DH is okay with it, I say, go with it and pretend you're doing the ILs a big favor by letting them have one-on-one time with you and LO.

Halen0804 · March 2010

I think I would be happy because there wouldn't be so many people in my house at once. My mom is coming up right away and possible my MIL. My dad wants to come too, but I am going to ask him to wait a couple weeks.

I say it's your IL's issue. Maybe reframe it to you IL's that you want them to be there and it's actually really nice that they want to wait to visit so you can spread out the help. If you MIL is still being a b*tch about it, it's her issue and not yours. Just focus on delivering a healthy happy baby and adjusting to your new life.

rlscheck · March 2010

As long as your IL's are happy with how it is and your okay with having visitors for longer than the 2 weeks it should be fine. I don't think she's trying to "blame" your parents for anything. I get that she doesn't really want to "share" the baby especially if it is a first for both sides. This might even work better for you since you'll have some help for longer and not such a full house at one time.

MelonieK · March 2010

I wouldn't know what to tell you about the ILs coming and MIL's motives, but I would have to put my foot down on the dogs. Four of them? With a newborn? Seriously? Sorry, not happening! If the ILs are adamant about coming, then they need to check with their vet or a local grooming service about having the dogs boarded. Or they could even check into boarding close to you.

If MIL were consistent with her story, I would say she's trying to do the right thing, but she seems a tad wishy washy and manipulative by your description.

Sam78 · March 2010

The only thing that would annoy me would be not knowing what the actual plans are, so I would sit down with MIL and say "I've heard different things from different people, what are your plans?" just so you know - it wouldn't annoy me about her timing either way (like pp said, nice to have help for more time) although the 4 dogs would annoy me (get a grip, kennels exist for a reason, you can't say you have no one to watch them - not where I prefer to leave my dog, but I wouldn't bring him to someone else's house especially if there were 3 others).

greengirl0909 · March 2010

Not that you need another worry,but as I look at your post, I have some concerns about the dog factor. Are the dogs welcome in your home? Do you have pets of your own? My family is all dog people, I mean like ALL dog people. When we get together for the holidays it's a nightmare because we have to have gates up to keep the different pets separated from each other! If you aren't used to having the dogs around, this could be a major stressor for you. Plus, do the dogs have baby experience? We've been working with our fur baby for weeks so she's as ready as can be for the baby to arrive.

My best friend has 3 little dogs, I have one giant lab who is not friendly towards other dogs. I love for them to come visit, but it almost always involves them bringing their dogs and then it's a nightmare. No matter what I've said,she's never as worried as I am about it. It is frustrating to me that people aren't more conscious of how thier darling pets might make the host uncomfortable.

I'd be frustrated too, but remember you probably have some hormones going on in there too. I know that I've been extra sensitive to this kind of stuff too.

Ciconrad · March 2010

Well if you are happy with them coming later, I would not bring it back up. You invited everyone at the beginning and your ILs are the ones choosing to wait. That is not your fault. You are being as fair and equal as you possibly could have been and your MIL is the one pouting about it. She's made her decision and lucky for you, it's one you are happy wiith!

Honestly, though, I think I would have a major issue with someone bringing 4 dogs to my house with a newborn baby. That sounds insanely chaotic. I don't think you would be unreasonable at all to tell them the dogs can't come.

IrishBrideND · March 2010

I think you are hearing a lot of things second hand and therefore need to take them with a grain of salt.

TXgrlnFL · March 2010

Thank you ladies for a lot of good comments. I know that not only am I hormonal, but I'm a worrier by nature. I am indeed concerned about the 4 dogs. We have 3 of our own a 180lb mastiff and two mini-doxies. I have expressed my concern to DH and the ILs, but unless FIL really does stay home with them, I think I loosing that battle. As a few of you said, I am happier that they are delaying their visit and I am going to try to be appreciative that I have help for a longer period of time rather than worry about MILs motive. You girls rock! I feel better already...whew. It is nice knowing you're not alone

RadicalDreamer143 · March 2010

TXgrlnFL:
Thank you ladies for a lot of good comments. I know that not only am I hormonal, but I'm a worrier by nature. I am indeed concerned about the 4 dogs. We have 3 of our own a 180lb mastiff and two mini-doxies. I have expressed my concern to DH and the ILs, but unless FIL really does stay home with them, I think I loosing that battle. As a few of you said, I am happier that they are delaying their visit and I am going to try to be appreciative that I have help for a longer period of time rather than worry about MILs motive. You girls rock! I feel better already...whew. It is nice knowing you're not alone

I think you need to shift from "expressing your concern" to putting your foot down. Seven dogs in the house with house guests and a newborn is beyond ridiculous. I'd also speak to your ILs directly, since it seems that secondhand information in your family tends to get distorted.