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Postpartum Depression
lovely40
member
XP: PPA and therapy
lovely40
member
(I also posted this on 12-24 but I wanted to also post here to get the perspective of other women suffering from PPD/PPA and also to spread the word that therapy is cool 
)
)So - I am in therapy for PPA and right now we are going over my birth story and all the fun and emotion that comes with that. Anyway - I have a couple questions that I'd like to ask other moms. Some of the questions may seem odd - but that's what happens when you are a therapy patient. ;o) try to answer as honestly as you feel comfortable.
Was your baby placed on your chest immediatly after birth? Like immediatly immediatly - all slimy and goopy immediatly? If so - was it in the tummy to tummy position? What was that like?
Immediatly after the birth did you know for sure that your baby was okay?
At any point during your labor were you afraid for your safety and/or the safety of your baby? Explain as much as you are comfortable...
Did you get to talk to the doctor who delivered your baby after your baby was born? A sort of "debriefing" so to speak? Did you feel like your questions/concerns about your labor were answered adequatly? Are there things about your labor/delivery story that seem foggy and you wish you remembered?
Do you feel like your labor/delivery was better or worse than most? Why?
TIA to any of you who choose to kindly participate in my therapy today. ;o)
DD 4yo DS 1yo
This discussion has been closed.
Re: XP: PPA and therapy
No, my son was not placed on my chest immediately after birth. His cord was loosly wrapped around his neck, so he was attended to before he was given to me.
Yes, I knew immediately that my son was okay. My husband was next to all the nurses and Dr's taking care of Aiden. I could hear Aiden crying and they told me he was okay. I "just knew" in my heart he was okay. I never had a worry that he wasn't okay.
No, I never feared for my safety or my son's safety during labor.
I do not remember being debriefed, but I also don't remember having any questions or concerns that I wanted to discuss. Everything still is pretty clear in my head.
I think I had a pretty good labor and delivery. I was induced for pre-e, and think I had a good experience. Now, let's not get into the care and treatment I had AFTER delivery - that is a whole other ballgame.
are you comfortable sharing about what happened after delivery?
Unlike most women, I did not recover from pre-e after deliver - mine got worse. I had suffered quite a tear during delivery and had to have 25 stitches, so I was on pain meds - which made me constipated. And, my son was having latching issues.
Fast foward to the day I was supposed to be discharged. I wasn't feeling too terribly bad in the morning, and the midwife came to check on me. My side was hurting - she figured it was from the constipation due to the narcotics for the stitches. My BP was high, and she told the nurse to re-check and let her know what it was before I was actually allowed to leave.
Since the postpartum ward wasn't busy, the LC wanted to keep me there until the evening so that she could work with me and my son one on one all day. Let me just say she was wonderful!!! So, I ended up staying in the hospital until 7 or so that evening. My discharge papers were already signed, the works.
I just kept getting worse. My BP kept climbing, and my side hurt so bad. I was soooo cold. I kept telling my nurse, and all she did was take my temperature, give me some of my pain pills, and send me home. Come to find out, she never did tell my midwife any of what was going on, or that I was still in the hospital. So, I get home around 8pm. By 11pm, I've already called my midwife because I'm doubled over in pain, and she told me to go straight to the emergency room because she didn't know what was wrong with me.
So, here I am, only discharged from the hospital for like 4 hours, and end up back in the ER with a 3 day old baby. My pre-e was out of control, and I had a kidney infection. I ended up being re-admitted to the hospital for three days that stay, and four days a week and a half later for the same thing.
I just recently stopped therapy. It was a huge help to me after my delivery. I think talking out all my emotions helped more than anything. So to answer your questions...
I was also induced for pre-e (common theme maybe? My PPD support group has lots of pre-e moms) My induction failed miserably and I ended up with a c-section. So there was no moment of meeting my son like on a Baby Story, no chest to chest time. I didn't see my baby without a swaddle until 3-4 days later. I had built up this moment in my head and was devastated to not have it. My husband held him and showed him to me for a few seconds before he was taken away to the NICU. Without pictures though, I would barely remember any of this. Between my BP being SO high and the Magnesium I feel like it was all a dream. I tried so hard to stay awake, to be in the moment and it was impossible. I mostly remember vomiting over and over and falling asleep in between.
No I didn't know he was ok until much later. They took him out and all I remember was that he was MUCH smaller than the ultrasounds estimated. He was the smallest baby I had seen before. He was still 4.5 lbs so definately not micro preemie don't get me wrong, but much smaller than the 6 lbs we expected. He was not breathing. The sound of my husband's voice was terrifying. He was really scared and he had been my rock.
I was never really afraid until the actual surgery. When the anesthesiologist took my BP during the epidural it was scary high. I could hear it in his voice. He told another guy to lay me down right now and when the guy didn't move fast enough he said "NOW!" He was a very calm Dr. and I could tell he was really worried. I found out about A LOT of things later that scared me for both of our safety that I didn't know at the time, like my baby's APGARS being 3 at 1 and 5 minutes, etc. Also after surgery they thought I had a pulmunary embolism and sent me for a CAT scan. I was terrified I was going to die before I ever got to know my baby. It was terrible. Luckily, all was well and although my pre-e caused issues for another week both the baby and I got to go home on day 7.
My Dr. was off because I had to be induced unexpectedly late on a Sunday night. I saw the Dr. who delivered me very briefly in the OR. She said "everything was great. He is going to be fine. He is a beautiful boy!" I never saw her again. My Dr. followed up with me every day after though and called me on the phone once at home. She is amazing. But yes the foggy delivery is a major issue in my PPD. More than fear- my issues are based around guilt and not remembering the moment he was born, not crying with happiness, not feeling an instant bond. I felt cheated out of those moments. I told my husband my delivery was like a dream or watching a movie. I remember bits and pieces but I don't feel like I was really there.
I feel it was much worse other people I know IRL. However, I see stories on thebump and wonder what I am complaining about. I know things could have been much, much worse for all of us. I made it to 35 weeks when they thought I would deliver at 30. However, I learned in therapy that just because I didn't have the most traumatic birth ever recorded doesn't mean it wasn't traumatic to me. I had to learn to accept my feelings and not apologize for them. That is really hard. You feel guilty about feeling cheated when you have a healthy baby at home and someone else doesn't. But I am allowed to feel cheated anyway. Accepting those feelings was a big part of my recovery.
Let me know if you have any other questions.
Owen Matthew 11/1/2009 4lbs 10oz 16.5in
Born 5 weeks early by C/S | Severe Pre-Eclampsia
BFP #2 5/1/2011 | M/C @ 7 weeks | D&C 5/25/2011
TTC #2 | HSG Clear | SA 2% Morph otherwise great
3 failed Femara/TI cycles moving on to IUI
I think the thing is, no matter how bad something is there is always someone who experienced something worse. That is at the heart of the whole guilt thing for me. I always felt like my delivery was bad, but not as bad as so and so. If I expereinced what they experienced then my feelings would be justified. Just like you are saying your story was less scary- by who's definition? If it weren't just as scary to you it wouldn't bother you a year later. The thing is- your feelings are yours no matter what. You don't have to justify them to anyone. You don't have to compare them. It doesn't matter what happened to someone else. You have to process what happened to you to move on from it. You have to feel entitiled to your feelings no matter what happened. This is sooo hard for me!! I think this is also at the root of PPD for a lot of women.
I think it doesn't take a lot of hurt to cause trauma. It is all about what you have been through in the past and how you are able to process it all in the moment and shortly after. You are totally onto something about the hospital staff. If the birth is traumatic to you, for whatever reason, and then you are surrounded by people telling you everything is OK, you are so lucky, etc, you start to feel like there is something wrong with you. Like you have a bad perspective on life or something. I found myself thinking "what kind of mother would be feeling sorry for herself instead of being happy her baby is ok?" I felt like I was a defective mother from the start. It took awhile to work through that.
When it comes to having a child you have a lifetime of expectation built up to this one moment and if things don't go the way we expect the hurt can be really deep. You add to that the fact that it really can be a life or death situation and it is like the perfect storm for trauma or the after affects of PPD/PPA.
Anyway, I could go on and on and obviously I have already typed two full pages
I just wanted to say I completely know where you are coming from. If you ever want to talk, I'd love to hear more about your experience. If you don't want to post here just PM me and we can exchange email addresses.
Owen Matthew 11/1/2009 4lbs 10oz 16.5in
Born 5 weeks early by C/S | Severe Pre-Eclampsia
BFP #2 5/1/2011 | M/C @ 7 weeks | D&C 5/25/2011
TTC #2 | HSG Clear | SA 2% Morph otherwise great
3 failed Femara/TI cycles moving on to IUI
I'm realizing that therapy my be a really under used tool in treating PPD. Don't get me wrong - I am a fan of meds - I think they play an important role in treatment because their is obviously a brain chemistry/hormonal component to PPD/PPA. But for optimum treatment and healing I now realize what an important role therapy can play in becoming a whole healthy happy postpartum woman.
)
Sending you a PM.
)
i was overdue and went into labor on my own. total labor lasted about 10 hours; i had an epidural. no pre-e, no GD, no other complications. i pushed literally 3 times and he came out. the baby was wrapped in a blanket and put on me immediately. i pretty much just looked at him for the longest time, i was amazed. my labor and delivery was textbook, fast, non traumatizing and overall a good experience. i feel like i remember it pretty well.
i never felt like my PPA had any connection with my birth experience. i can see how if it had been a bad experience i might've blamed it as a factor. i think in a way, i felt like it was such a good experience that it took me by surprise how things could go downhill so badly in the weeks afterward.
Owen Matthew 11/1/2009 4lbs 10oz 16.5in
Born 5 weeks early by C/S | Severe Pre-Eclampsia
BFP #2 5/1/2011 | M/C @ 7 weeks | D&C 5/25/2011
TTC #2 | HSG Clear | SA 2% Morph otherwise great
3 failed Femara/TI cycles moving on to IUI
As it turns out, I have no idea how to send a PM. ;o)
That's an interesting theory. My PPA was intense and immediate after delivery. I actually consider that somewhat of a blessing because there was no gradual downward spiral that leaves you wondering if it's really PPD if you should call your doc etc. it was intense, immediate and I knew it wasn't right.
Yeah it was the same for me. I never thought about it in that way, but I guess it was kind of a blessing. I knew I needed help right away. I got it too and I think I am in a much better place by starting treatment immediately.
Oh, and to send a PM- just click on the tab that says "contact" at the bottom right hand of this post. To check your messages look on the column on the left at the bottom. There is a link that says "check my messages". HTH
Owen Matthew 11/1/2009 4lbs 10oz 16.5in
Born 5 weeks early by C/S | Severe Pre-Eclampsia
BFP #2 5/1/2011 | M/C @ 7 weeks | D&C 5/25/2011
TTC #2 | HSG Clear | SA 2% Morph otherwise great
3 failed Femara/TI cycles moving on to IUI