Be honest, am I wrong to want to go

MoFree · March 2010

I was planning to go back to Chicago for a long weekend in April to spend some alone time with my mother, attend a friend's bridal shower and my nephew's 3rd birthday party. I would leave Arizona on Thursday evening and come back Sunday night. During that time DH would be in his all day rehab program on Friday and spend the weekend with FIL, SMIL and his sister.

DH is very ambivalent about me going away. On one hand he wants me to see friends and family and enjoy milestone events. On the other hand it intensifies for him the feeling of being handicapped, how he cannot travel with me and my caregiving responsibilities interfere with "having a life," as he says. Until his speech and feeding improve (which they will), he's also not ready to be around anyone except for immediate family.

Be honest. Am I being selfish for wanting to get away for a very short time when I know he will be well cared for?

QuiltingBee · March 2010

I don't think you're being selfish.

I think it will be good for you, as well as your DH. If he's worried that your caretaking responsibilities are keeping you from "having a life" than it may actually relieve some of the pressure and guilt he's feeling.

Also, it will show him that you're confident that he will be okay without you for a few days (and that you're confident that he's improving steadily).

Not to mention, that you really need some respite time so that you can recuperate (body, mind, and soul).

I really think you should go.

BRSaugust20 · March 2010

You are not being selfish at all! I think it is very important for primary caregivers to get a break every now and again. You are leaving him in very capable hands, not a stranger, etc.

JackieMac824 · March 2010

I do not think you are being selfish at all - you need time away too - and to see you family is important. I can only imagine how hard all of this must be on you. (((HUGS)))

madelyn07 · March 2010

Absolutely not.

You are important too, and those events and people are also important. It would, in my opinion, be unhealthy for you to not go.

MrsP71506 · March 2010

I don't think you are being selfish at all. I think it will be good for you to get away for a little bit. You will come back to your DH refreshed.

I know that it is hard, but it does sound like he wants you to go and to enjoy yourself.

KiKiGee · March 2010

Hi, I'm new here. . . but I just wanted to say that not only are you not selfish, this is probably one of the best things for both of you. Care for the care giver is becoming increasingly recognized as important to partners rehab success rates. You definitely are not selfish to take a quick weekend away. I am sure it will be really tough, but I hope you can enjoy some of it and recharge your batteries a little so you'll come back refreshed. Good luck.

Ginger71 · March 2010

Mo, you are not going to be of any use to your H if you are not taking time out for yourself. Don't you feel selfish. You hardly ever get a break and you need to take one. I am sure he does truly want you to go but if you offer to stay.... of course he will take you up on it. You are there for him and he knows it. He will be in good hands and you can call to check on him as much as you want. Go spend some time renewing your spirit with your family so you can come back and share that with your H.

theworms · March 2010

((HUGS)) cutie

You are not wrong to want to go or to go for a long weekend. You need a break and need to see and spend time with your friends and family.

DH will be in great hands and it will be good for both of you to have a break.

You're not selfish at all.

MoFree · March 2010

Thanks, ladies. While he has no interest in attending a bridal shower under any circumstances, what DH wants is to have the ability to be able to go. Realizing how isolated he is now makes him feel really badly.

We are tentatively planning to attend his sister's college graduation in May. I'm not sure how far along he will be in terms of recovery and it will require a lot of pre-planning, but that is an event he can look forward to attending.

maddychick · March 2010

You are totally NOT being selfish! Go have fun, and enjoy yourself. No matter how much we want to be there for you DH's sometimes we just need to rejuvenate!

LuvWIfootball · March 2010

The best thing for you and your DH is for you to get some "free time".

When DH was going through chemo I thought I had to be with him 24/7, being his sole caretaker. What I didn't realize is that I wasn't taking care of myself. I hate to admit it, but there were times when I resented my husband for being sick and making me take care of everyone and everything by myself. It can definitely take a toll on a relationship. I finally realized that I had to take time for myself and it was the best thing I could do. I went away overnight for a bachelorette party and when I returned I was excited to see DH and wanted to help him, rather than feel burdened by it.

Your DH's feelings are ones that he needs to work out for himself. No matter what you do, you are not going to be able to change his feelings of being handicapped.

Take care of yourself and have a great time on the trip!

k-mart · March 2010

I don't think so.

My FIL had a stroke a few years ago and is in a nursing home now. But he pretty much expects MIL or SIL or DH to visit him twice a day. Well, long story short, he is now used to the fact that MIL needs to get away for a few days every now and then. He gets upset, but it does her so much good to just have a little bit of normalcy.

It must be so hard for him not to be able to participate, but if you don't take care of yourself, you won't be any good to him.

dianne2007 · March 2010

KiKiGee:

Hi, I'm new here. . . but I just wanted to say that not only are you not selfish, this is probably one of the best things for both of you. Care for the care giver is becoming increasingly recognized as important to partners rehab success rates. You definitely are not selfish to take a quick weekend away. I am sure it will be really tough, but I hope you can enjoy some of it and recharge your batteries a little so you'll come back refreshed. Good luck.

This. Good luck!

Babsie7 · March 2010

I don't think you're being selfish at all. You and your dh have been through so much, you deserve this break. It sounds like your dh will be well taken care of, so enjoy your trip and try not to worry. I hope both of you are able to make the graduation in May, but for now take your well-deserved break. ((hugs))

nikinikinine · March 2010

Molly this is NOT selfish at all. You need a break, you are ONLY human and he is in good hands. Take some time, live life a bit again and come back to him feeling happy and refreshed. It will make you a better wife and caregiver. Have fun hon!

AshleyR2452 · March 2010

QuiltingBee:

I don't think you're being selfish.

I think it will be good for you, as well as your DH. If he's worried that your caretaking responsibilities are keeping you from "having a life" than it may actually relieve some of the pressure and guilt he's feeling.

Also, it will show him that you're confident that he will be okay without you for a few days (and that you're confident that he's improving steadily).

Not to mention, that you really need some respite time so that you can recuperate (body, mind, and soul).

I really think you should go.

This. I agree 100%.

miesl · March 2010

You should go.

The getting away is selfish (you need to do something for you) but you yourself are not selfish. It's not wrong to have and act on selfish desires every once and awhile. The key part is the "every once and awhile." If you want to avoid caregiver burnout - you have to learn to balance caregiving (selflessness) and your own wellbeing (selfishness).

I can imagine how much more difficult a situation your and you DH are in - since you never expected to be a caregiver. I wish you the best!

MrsKario · March 2010

No, you are not being selfish.
All caregivers need a break. I agree with PP that is should help your H feel a little less dependent on you.

I really think it will be good for both of you.

wiscgirl95 · March 2010

No. Not at all.

Now if it was a trip to Vegas with some girlfriends for a fun week then I would have a different answer. Hopefully he'll start to see even more improvement and that will switch his ambivilance to happiness that you get to see family.

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