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3rd Trimester
Help after the baby arrives?
I was just wondering how many of you were having your mom or MIL or someone stay with you a few nights after the baby is born? My mom lives 3 miles from me and I love her dearly. I know she will be a huge help. But....she keeps telling me how she's going to stay with my husband and I for a few nights after the baby arrives. I told her the baby would be sleeping in a bassinett in our room, and she said that I'll be so exhausted I'll want the baby to stay with her in the nursery the first few days. That way, when the baby gets up in the night she can just bring him to me, I can feed him, and she'll tend to him after that so I can go back to sleep.
I know this is such a nice offer on her part, but to be honest I really don't want her to stay with us. I know between her and my inlaws (who live about 20 minutes away), my husband and I will have people at our house constantly during the day. I know we will be anxious to have the baby to ourselves at nights. Don't get me wrong - I know we're going to be exhausted...but I just don't think my mom staying for a few nights is something I want her to do.
Do you think I'm way out of line in thinking this? I know she is just trying to be nice and helpful and the last thing I want to do is hurt her feelings 
Thanks.
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Re: Help after the baby arrives?
You seem to be a nice person. You see what a generous offer your MIL is giving and seem to genuinely appreciate it as a thoughtful and sincere gesture. Bonus points for you! So many do not.
However, I think you are right to be a little unsure of it too. I have not yet been through this personally but have also battled my instincts on the offers I have received for help when my LO comes.
I say, follow your instincts. You do not seem the type to go to the extreme of cutting out any and all help offered....but at the same time appear to possess the assertiveness to call the shots. talk it over with your DH and figure out a happy medium compromise that works for you and satisfies your MIL desire to help. Maybe you can ask for her to come a couple days AFTER the baby comes, giving you the chance to spend a night or two together...or ask her to do some things around the house during the day which allow you to get the rest you need then....offer her the opportunity to do some cooking and cleaning for you as well as nursery care.. Let her know what YOU think would be most helpful rather than letting her decide what you need.
I am sure whichever route you take you will be kind and considerate of her feelings. GL!
Nope -- you are not out of line. My MIL wanted to stay with us overnight too when we had DS. For us, it didn't feel right, so we said no. And, we had no regrets. At night, we kept DS right next to us in a co-sleeper, and when he wanted to eat he would make a little noise, I would scoop him up, nurse him and put him right back in the co-sleeper -- no MIL or mom needed. You'll need your MIL or mom during the days, to help with cleaning, laundry and meals. Or just tell your MIL if she wants to help, to visit once you've gotten settled, and to bring you two food
The biggest help to us, was when friends and family brought over meals -- because we were to tired to care about cooking....
Good luck!
Just tell her that you will decide once the baby gets here. I am out of town from all family. I didn't want anyone here at the birth because I wanted us to have our own time first. I changed my mind and MIL and my mom both changed flights to take turns coming to help me out. I think it's one of those things that you don't really know. You are definitely not "out of line" for the way you are thinking, but you might change your mind.
It probably depends too on how baby sleeps. DS had his day and nights completely backwards. In the beginning he would be up ALL night. It was great to be able to have my mom here to take a shift with him. Some babies sleep well from the beginning and just get up every couple hrs to feed and then go right back to sleep.
Ya, I had my Dad tell me that he and my Step-Mom would 'be there when you get home from the hospital!' they live a 12 hour drive away...What if I don't give birth on my due date? The last thing I want to do is be overdue and entertain company!!! I just hope he is not too upset when i tell him that We want at least a couple days just hubby and i to even let it all sink in! Its hard cuz grandparents are soooo excited (especially if its their first!) and just can't wait to spend time with baby. Everyone is so keen to help and I feel like such a beeotch to tell them to just back off for a bit!!!!
My mom and my brother will be staying with me for 2 weeks. Mostly to be helping with DS more than LO and i will be having a C/S. Plus the stay is long because they are an 8hr plane ride away so they might as well make the most out of their stay. I don't mind it very much, however i don't think that you are out of line at all.
When i had DS my husband and i told everyone we didn't want anyone over for the first couple of days after being home. We didn't know what to expect and didn't want to get overwhelmed. We handled it fine and everyone knew that if we needed anything we could call on them. Just do what you feel is right for your family.
I don't think its out of line at all. However, a friend of mine who just had a baby two months ago told me that her mom said essentially the same thing and she fought it. But, when it came down to it she was so thrilled to have her there for the first couple of nights. She said she just felt exhausted, overwhelmed and that her and DH were so scared of doing things wrong it was really nice to have her mom there as a reassuring presence if nothing else. Just a thought, but I'm seriously considering it now!
No, you are not out of line. We got 3 days with no visitors staying with us after DD was born ~ wish it would have been longer. This time I'm asking family to hold off 3 weeks before coming to stay with us. Honestly, DH is help enough and I'd rather have the bonding time than the 'help.' I wanted to do it all myself anyway and DH took care of 'all things non-baby' (laundry, groceries, food) so we had a great system in place.
However, my SIL didn't spend the night alone with her DD for practically a month because she said it was such a 'nightmare.' She basically wanted to nurse and sleep, so she relied heavily on her mom to everything else. So, I guess everyone handles her experience differently.
My mom and my MIL came for a week each after the birth. it was awesome. We were so happy to have the help.
That said, if you don't want her, tell her not to come.
My mom will be staying with me for 3 weeks after the baby is born...she's basically taking all her vacations days for this and I cannot be more grateful! My SIL just had her daughter in January and I've seen how tired she got the first few days/weeks and how that baby didn't just fall asleep right after being fed at night - sometimes she had to walk around with the baby for an hour before she fell back asleep.
See what feels right for you and go with that - my thinking/rational is that I'll want her around to 1) take care of the baby when I'm too tired; 2) take care of me (I am, after all, her baby); 3) take care the house and cooking; and 4) take care of any guests that come during the day.
SIL told me that giving birth feels like you got run over by a truck for a few days so I know I'll need/want her around.
Evelyn (3.24.10), Graham (5.30.13) & Miles (8.28.16)
You know what you want and what will work for you. Whatever makes YOU the most comfortable, is what you need to do.
As for me, I will be having my mom come up every day for 2 weeks after the twins are home. I will consistently have vistors and I am perfectly fine with that. Between my sister, SILs (5 of them), cousins, aunts, friends, MIL, and my mother, I will be busy. The thing is, they know that I am not going to be expected to be the perfect hostess. They are comfortable enough to get their own food, their own drinks, and clean up after themselves. That takes a ton of stress off me and I dont worry about them because I know they will be helping me. My bio-mom is coming in mid-June for 1 month. It's going to be rough having her here every single day for 1 month but I am grateful she is taking the time to come all the way from Russia for us.
My mom stayed with us for 2 weeks after my daughter was born and will do the same after this baby arrives. DD stayed with us in our room at night and my Mom didn't really do much except for a few nights that she was just really fussy and she offered to take over after an hour or so of me nursing/changing/rocking/etc.
During the day she helped with cooking and chores and letting me nap/shower/eat. She also is really commonsense and left for an hour or so each evening to give DH, DD and I family time after dinner (she went for a walk or out shopping).
This time I know she'll be key in helping me care for DD while adjusting to the newborn lack of sleep stage.
I'd tell her that you want to see how things go before taking her up on that offer. You're not out of line.
DH and I didn't need any help with our first. She slept in a PnP in our room and one of us would roll out of bed, change her, then I'd feed her and put her back to sleep. We had no family visitors (almost everyone is out of state anyway) until four weeks and I was so glad to have that time to get the hang of things.
For #2, my mom is coming into town the day before LO is slated to arrive (she's breech, so I'm facing a c/s this time around) and will stay for a week to 10 days. She's primarily coming to help out with our toddler and won't be doing night-time baby duty; DH and I will still be handling that, but she'll be around during the day to make sure that we both get a chance to catch up on some sleep.
If I didn't have a toddler, or if I expected another vaginal birth (i.e., no restrictions on driving, lifting, stairs, etc.) then I'd prefer it to be just DH and me -- but between those two factors, I know I'll need the extra help. DH also will take the first week after birth off, and can take longer if necessary.
DD1, 1/5/2008 ~~~ DD2, 3/17/2010
We lived in Florida and mine and my husband's family both lived in Texas when DS was born, so it was more difficult to decide when they should come because there were flight arrangements involved. I think they just booked the next reasonable flights a week or two after he was born.
This time around we are back in Texas, and they are only an hour away. I already told DH not to plan on his mom coming to stay with us, so to be sure not to agree to that without my knowing. I was very possessive of DS and this time told MIL and my mom that I'm doing all baby duty, but if they'd like to come make sure DS and DH have dinner, groceries, laundry, etc they are more than welcome. If I need help with the baby they are a phone call away. Sounds like yours are even closer, so I would say just to tell them you'd like the time with just you and DH to get used to things on your own at first, but you'll let them know when you're ready for them to visit.
It's less nerve racking to me, because you aren't going to know exactly what to do right in the beginning, but you'll be more comfortable trying different things and building your confidence if you do it just you or just you and DH rather than wondering if the grandparent watching you would do it that way, approve, etc. It also strengthens the bond between you and DH in knowing that you did it together.
Like everyone said, each person is different so it's hard to say what to do in your situations, but I would suggest just telling Mom and MIL that you'd like to do it on your own in the beginning - but you reserve the right to call at 3:30 a.m. if you need them! They are so close it's feasible for them to be there at the drop of a hat - so use that to your advantage by not making arrangements that you would for those who live 1000's of miles away.
Good luck!