WWYD - mother-in-law drama and shower?
First of all my mil lives across the country and will not be at my shower... my shower is in 2 weeks and she recently emailed my friend throwing it via facebook (she has met her briefly once and my daughter's bday party and seen her at our wedding but does not even know her so that alone was weird) - anyways, she asked my friend to invite one of her friends to my shower who lives out here.... this bothers me because first of all, I barely know the lady she wants invited, but more importantly - that she went behind my back and asked my friend to slip her an invite instead of asking me...who makes the invite list... luckily my friend asked me if I want her to send the invite and I am honestly thinking no at this point just because it ticks me off how mil did it. DH called her on it and thought it was out of line and so have all my friends I have talked about it with.
I should add - mil is known for doing weird things like that - she tried to put and open invitation in the newspaper to our WEDDING - thankfully she did ask us about that one first but got really snotty when I said no way...
What would you do - invite her weird friend I have met once and barely know - and who would know no one there, or just tell my friend not to send the invite and let that be that?
I know one extra person is not a big deal and if she had mentioned it to ME instead of going behind me I probably would have added her no problem - but the way she did it makes me want to not invite her just for the principal so maybe mil will get it that things like that are not ok,,, if my friend hadn't asked me about it some lady I hardly know would have just shown up and would have been quite awkward for me wondering why and how she was there!
Re: WWYD - mother-in-law drama and shower?
Maybe MIL wants to send her friend with a gift from her? That was my first thought. 2nd thought was, just because she's getting an invite, doesn't mean she'll come.
I bet your MIL didn't ask you, thinking that since you're not hosting it, you don't "control" the guest list. I wouldn't be too upset about that part. But the part of her friend coming is strange, especially if you've never met this woman before! A lot of my mothers friends are coming, but i've met all of them multiple times before!
Why don't you have DH call again and ask why she wants this friend to come. And go from there. Have him tell her your concerns, especially about her not knowing anyone - so it seems like you're looking out for the friend.
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No, mil also asked for my friend's address hosting it so she could send a shower gift I guess. And DH did ask her about it and she told him that the friend said she would like to be invited last time mil was out visiting and staying at our house and we could have had the discussion then a couple months ago! I have met the lady - once or twice briefly - I found her very odd and do not feel like I "know" her by any stretch. DH knows her from when he was a kid - but he won't be at the shower...in the past with DD mil asked us to send this lady a birth announcement and I had no problem doing that - but that is not spending a couple hours with my close friends and family....and woman I barely knows who knows no one
Just to offer another way of looking at it... maybe she really wanted to be there (you said she lives across the country from you) but she wanted someone she knows to be there to take pics for her and bring you a gift. Maybe she's just trying to do a nice thing for you?
The things she's done in the past certainly sound nutty, but not evil. Maybe her heart is in the right place?
Remember you have her son who was once the center of her world and now all he wants is you. My suggestion is to allow the invite and see what MIL sends. She's the mother of the man you love and she'll be the grandmother of your precious LO. Alienating her now may not be what you intend for the future.
believe me - you don't her - she is a very self-righteous woman who always finds a way to get her way... and I usually just bite my tongue but I feel like this will never end if I don't put a stop now. MIL is not sending a gift with her - we know this. Also - MIL wanted to come out and stay with us for 2 weeks as soon as DD was born and we said it would be fine if she stayed with friends or other family or a hotel (she used to live her for 20+ years) but we didn't want house guests right away with a newborn - she was so mad about that - she ended up planning a "surprise trip" out right when DD was born even after we said no... DD ended up needing to spend a week in children's hospital after she was born so we did not have to deal with her (turned out to be nothing but she spiked a fever so they made us check in and test for everything)... - with this baby she wanted to do the same thing and DH told her the same answer and I think she is pissed and trying to do little things... she is a with it 45-yr old woman - she knows what she is doing exactly.
oh and she is far from alienated - since DD was born she comes out every 6 weeks and stay with us (we have no guest room) for a week... I dread these long visits so frequently but never say a thing - DH gets to go to work but I'm a SAHM so she is in my space 24/7 and she always tries to start little fights between DH and I. She has some issues.
I may be in the minority but I would just invite her if it means something to your MIL.
Who cares if she is there - you say she is "wierd" - how is she wierd if you barely know her? If she is confident and gracious enough to come and bring you a gift without knowing anyone else there then I give her props. Maybe the friend wants to come because she cares about your MIL and wants to do something nice for her son?? Why not just go with the flow and be gracious yourself?
If I had made up my mind I would not be posting on here. Also, I thought she was odd the time or two I met her...she is in her 60s and was talking about dating some 18yr old military guy she met online, and then talking about how promiscuous she was when she was younger that she had given up 3 or 4 kids for adoption - just very odd opening conversation pieces. Not trying to be judgmental, but can't help it here - she was weird.
there is no battle...she gets an invite or she doesn't.
So on the surface, I'd have to say it looks like you are making a big deal out of a whole lot of nothng. It's one friend and it's someone your MIL is apparently somewhat close to. If these lady wants to come when she doesn't know you or anyone there, that's her decision. I also don't think her asking the person throwing you the shower is that weird. I mean she is ultimately responsible for sending the invites and paying for everything.
You mentioned you have past history with things like this with her, so I going to guess this is why you are more annoyed than the situation would seem to warrant. If she's the type of person who you need to set firm boundaries with, then don't include her friend. However, I guess I don't think it's THAT big of a deal.
Ok, well is it really worth stirring the pot then? Ruffling feathers? Personally, I would just invite her. It's one person.
I definitely agree with you that the past history is a huge part of why this bothers me so much - I feel like if she is never stopped this will be the rest of my life dealing with little things like this.
I see why your MIL drives you crazy. BUT, not inviting one person will cause unneccessary drama between you two. Just let the lady come. Older ladies love baby showers.
I understand you wishing to put down boundaries, and you definitely should if that's how you feel. But, one invite to a baby shower, not the right situation to set those boundaries, it just seems like an odd thing to do. Why not use that opportunity for something that matters, ie these frequent visits?
BTW- in some small towns it is quite common to notify the community of a wedding reception, but the invite is open only after dinner has been served. It's a big deal to have dancing and socializing in some small towns!
I'm thinking of inviting her but sending MIL a note and just telling her I wish she would have talked to me first and that it would have been very awkward for me if I had shown up and she was there (if my friend had not checked with me first)
I hear you... but I am at a loss. As I mentioned above - considering sending the invite, but letting mother in law know I would have appreciated her talking to me before adding to my invite list without my knowledge (or trying to).
Also - that is fine about the wedding stuff - but we do not live in a small town and that is not at all customary around here. MIL lived here for 25 years and knows that regardless of if things may be different where she lives (I have no idea).
Oh and I wish I could do something about the frequent visit thing but will never change and I have accepted that - DH would never tell his mom they had to stay somewhere else (other than special situation like the new baby)... but believe me - I have made headway there - MIL used to try to kick us out of OUR bed and make us sleep on a blow up mattress in our living room while she and her husband slept in OUR bed... that happened one visit - I came home from work and they had arrived and I was informed this was the arrangement... the next time and every other time since I have informed them where there bed is (the blow up mattress or the couch) and NOT IN OURS - I was livid with that one.
I think this is totally unnecessary, kind of like treating a grown woman like a child.
Would it really have been that terrible to arrive at your own baby shower and have one guest there that you didn't know about?
its the principal and the past all mixed in.
I agree with some of the other posts - yes, you need to set boundaries with her, but no, the shower isn't the place to do it. And really, by not knowing why this person wants to attend, you don't know how your decision would actually affect her. You're worried about making MIL see that there needs to be boundaries, but if this other friend really wants to come to support your DH and your MIL, and you don't invite her - then she's the one you're hurting in the end. Showers are supposed to be fun, and not get you all stressed out. I would honestly let it go (it's one person - not 20) and set boundaries elsewhere.
But yeah - I wouldn't put up with that kicking you out of your own bed crap. Really - you need to sit down with your DH and discuss it. The last thing you want to do is start a huge fight with his mother - especially over something that DH might not be with you on. Sit down with him - tell him your concerns - set boundaries together - and then have DH tell your MIL and stick to them.
Um, yes. That's weird. It could have been a really awkward situation, especially if the mommy-to-be didn't remember her (what if she looks totally different, new hairdo, gained a lot of weight, etc?) and walk up to her and say, "Um, and you are???" It's totally strange and uncalled for for this woman's own mother-in-law to "go behind her back" to the hostess and to get her friend invited to the party.... clearly she knew it was a strange request or she would have just talked to her daughter-in-law about it!
I wouldn't bother with the letter to her. I'd call her personally so she has to awkwardly explain herself. A healthy dose of "Um-um-well-you-know" might knock some of the sneakiness out of her for future events.
The "RIGHT" thing to do is invite the friend and be polite. Denying the invitation just makes YOU look like a jerk, frankly, even though she is the one being screwy. If you do the right thing, no one will have cause to speak badly about you.... even though it's totally weird. I'd be irritated, though. Good luck and congrats! Hope your shower is wonderful.
This.
I think it's weird you're so worried about this. There were several women I didn't know at my bridal shower. My husband knew them and it made my MIL happy. Who cares?
LOL, I wondered how people were finding these ancient threads.