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Adoption
Etiquette question
So....we still hope to do IA in the near future, we're just giving one more stab at IVF in May.
I take my daughter to those indoor climb & play places a lot (cold MN winters!) and there's obviously a ton of moms there with their kids.
I've noticed on several occassions that the kids do not appear to be the same ethnic background as their parents. Sure the dads are not there, but it would be a fairly safe assumption to SUSPECT some of them are adopted. (i.e. white mom and very asian child, very dark skinned babies and a Scandahooivan pushing the pram....)
(I'm really trying to word my question carefully as to not offen, please help!)
My question- - is there any tactful way to bring this up in conversation? I would love to meet some other local moms that have gone thru the process, what agency, the details. But I know better than to just blurt out "So, is your Jimmy adopted or what?"
Any way to approach this subject?, or I need to just bring our situation up myself, out of the blue, out of context, and make everyone feel odd. lol.
any guidance helpful, thanks.
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Re: Etiquette question
I'd just try to start small talk about their little one and let the other mom bring it up. Then it's o.k. to ask questions if the conversation flows that way. I totally get where you are coming from, wanting to be-friend other a-mom's but it's really touchy.
I dislike being outright asked, "Oh where is she FROM?" by a stranger, esp since we did DA....
TTC since May 2006. After 3 failed Clomid cycles, 2 failed Injectibles/IUIs, 2 failed IVFs and 1 failed FET, we moved on to adoption!
Last ditch FET resulted in BFP, and identical twin girls!
My 2 cents:
I don't mind when people ask if our kids are adopted, about the process, why we chose to adopt, etc.
I do mind when they ask private details about: our children's birth parents, early life, etc.
I do mind when people say "oh, they're so lucky you adopted them."
I think I get that, but why? (I mean, I know your story and all... ) Sorry if I'm being too curious ;-)
This is kind of along the same lines as what I was thinking.
I feel like it always implies the idea that our kids owe us for adopting them. They don't. It implies we were on some kind of "rescue mission" and it makes me uncomfortable b/c I don't want to be put in the position of being treated like our children were a charity case.
I prefer it when people say "you are so lucky/blessed/etc to have them in your lives."
I dont really think there is a proper way to bring it up. I guess small talk could lead to more information- most people who have adopted are pretty open about it. But I think its kinda rude to just out and out ask, hey did you adopt your kid? What if that parent is married to someone of another race or ethnic backround, that could explain why their kids dont look them too.
I think you best bet would be to find a support group, most agencies have them for their parents. the support group I went to had people that had adopted and ones that were waiting to adopt.
People always ask me bc my girls are so close in age if they are twins. I always say no, they are 5 months apart and I get a look like WTH haha. So then I usually say one is adopted and one is bio (I never say which one is which) but people ALWAYS ask. And its sooooo annoying, its like oh which one is your "real" child. I want to punch them in the face. Anyways with that said - if I ever see another mom with a child that I think might be adopted I just ask and then follow up by saying we adopted and want to do it again, how was your journey etc etc etc. I never ever mind if people ask me if K is adopted or anything about her story. We are BOTH lucky we got eachother, thats for sure. Shes a blessing to us and I know we are to her, that doesn't mean she owes us anything....its just the truth we are both blessed and give God the glory!
With all of this said...I would just plain ask and follow it up by telling them your story. I think *most* moms with adopted children are happy to tell the story just be careful on your wording like when you ask about her birthmom and family etc. But I KNOW you would be so Im not worried hehe!
"I have four children. Two are adopted. I forget which two. -Bob Constantine
"All for Love,' a Saviour prayed 'Abba Father have Your way. Though they know not what they do...Let the Cross draw men to You...."
While I think your suggestion is a good one..I just have to point out that the original poster did mention this exact point at the outset of her post. I think she understands that it could be perceived as rude--and she recognizes they could be a multi-cultural family..That's why she's asking about ways to ask--and possibly get to know people.
I think the suggestions are good ones--and while a support group is also helpful, she is going to a play place within her community. To me, I think it's a valid question how she might get to know and befriend people who may have done adoptions within her community. These are people her children have the highest chance of actually playing with, going to school with etc.