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Blended Families
Karma1969
member
Am I the only one that doesn't have issues with the BM?
Karma1969
member
It seems like so many posters here are always in a state of crisis about something having to do with their SK Mom. It makes me sad because you know that the kids are all being impacted in some way.
Can't some things to that you could make an issue out of just be let go of? I don't get it.
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Re: Am I the only one that doesn't have issues with the BM?
That is the hope that things are problem free.
I understand that big issues need to be addressed. It just seems like lately some of the newer posters are jumping on teh small things too.
I do know that quuite a few of you are dealing with some very messed up BM.
I'm thankful that even though we have issues, they are minor (knock on wood).
I vent about way more BM issues here than we make an issue with BM, if that makes sense. Lots of things (like the potty training) frustrate the heck out of me, but we try to chose our battles carefully.
The big things, like her with holding visitation and disappearing with the kids for weeks at a time are the "hills we chose to die on".
On a day-to-day basis, things are ok with BM. *knocks on wood* But, every once in a while, she'll do or say something that causes a issue. Overall, I know things could be A LOT worse when it comes to BM. She's pretty easy-going (so are we) when it comes to switching days or splitting costs.
She's not really the best when it comes to keeping up with SD's homework and things like that, but thankfully SD is with us 50% of the time, so DH and I just take care of it. What good would it do to say something? I can't force her to be interested in her child's homework.
But, no, we don't hate each other. We aren't BFFs, but we can get along just fine for the sake of SD.
Honestly, we don't have "issues" with BM herself really... *knock on wood* We have issues with how SD is raised, etc. We havent spoken on the phone with BM since August 2008. We saw her briefly for about 10 minutes in July 2009. Otherwise, everything goes through SD.
Yes they are rude - scream in the background - but honestly - she gets her CS and doesnt really bother us.
We have a lot of issues with BM I just don't post much about them. Yes she is frustrating and I wish things were different and I have made a big effort to keep the peace. I realize that she is who she is and all we can do is change how we interact with her and the only power she has over our lives is what we give her. Counseling has helped DH and I work though a lot of this on our end. He was catering a lot to her to keep the peace for SS which I think was causing her antics to escalate instead of keeping things peaceful. Things finally escalated to the point where he realized the error of his ways hehe.
It would be really nice for everyone if we could all get along. BM simply hates the fact that I exist and I can't really change that.
IMO, me venting on an internet message board does not affect my SDs. I have never made an issue out of anything with BM, and DH very rarely says anything to her. For the most part, we actually let her walk all over us. She defaults on house loan, car loan, credit card payments and everything else that is still in her and DHs name (she can't refinance b/c she hasn't proven she's reliable and will pay). She hides things with school and doctors appointments. She fills the girls heads full of absolute crap. She does not bathe the girls but once a week. We have been told by many of her friends that she barely feeds the girls. My 3 yr old (4 in 1 month) SD is still in diapers at BMs because she's too lazy to potty train her. These things may seem insignificant to some, but they are a big deal to me. Not getting a bath every day may nor seem important, but when your SDs come with their hair in knots and you see chunks of hair being pulled out as you brush it, it affects you. I am a child of a blended family and my parents faught ALL THE TIME. Let me tell you, DH and I put on a happy face everytime we are around BM even when it's not easy. I would never say a mean thing about BM when the girls are even in our home, because they may hear it. I do, however, feel that I am entitled to vent on a message board if I so choose.
I guess I had to vent... That wasn't supposed to sound rude, but I think it may have.
Sorry!
?
No you're not the only one. I for one have never had any type of altercation with BM. Ever. I let my DH handle a lot of things in the beginning of our relationship and to be honest this helped A LOT.
Do I agree with how she raised SS for the first 9 years of his life no. Was I bothered by this? Sure because it reflected once SS came to live with us. Because of her "issues" - SS has had some major issues. However she has made it a point to live her life without causing drama in our lives. The same goes for us.
I never deal with BM. The only time I have really spoken to her was the time I tried to extend the olive branch by setting her mind at ease and reassure her that I respected that she was SS's mom and I would never try to take away from that. All I wanted in return was for her to accept my place in SS's life as a part of his family and not to try to exclude me from things like school functions or other events SS is a part of. It did not do any good, she yelled at me for a while, cried some and nothing changed. I think her real issue is that she either wants my DH back or she is jealous that her married me and would not marry her.
She still has a problem if I am in the car when we drop off SS or if I pick him up from daycare but DH and I don't let her problems affect us.
We do try to choose our battles IRL. Our BM likes to play power games and just irritate the heck out of us. But, we've been good about not participating since we don't want to make a big deal out of things and turn things into a power struggle. Sometimes, though, it does get to be too much and I use this board to vent and co-miserate.
I realize there are great relationships out there and ours is pretty good except for the 5% BSC that comes over her every once in a while.
Kyah - I just read your post and wanted to add the following:
I think the reason we have a civil relationship with BM and my DH is that they both were definitely over each other, and have both moved on.
I think in some cases some of your gals haven't been so lucky.
There is definitely a fine line between love and hate with some of the ex's.
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
Unhappiness in her own life. Our first year and a half was HELL with her, because she didn't have a stable relationship. Never cooperative, hated me, (probably still hates me, but she is at least cordial to me now), and wsa all around just dreadful to deal with. Now she has been married for 5 months, and we get much less craziness than before. Anytime she's fighting though,we know it, because SOMETHING comes up.
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
be thankful, karma
We don't have any issues with BM. She's not allowed to contact us in any way including 3rd party.
No contact=No issues
Nah, actually like my SD's BM.
I reserve the right for the occcasional side eye but do think that she's a good parent, loves SD, can work it out with schedules, and has overall, been as welcoming as possible to me in SD's life-can see that at times, she has had awkward moments as I have with the BF situation but he!!, managed to congratulate me on my wedding to her ex-H, dressed SD so nicely for my shower, and invites me into her home-can't imagine that's always comfortable.
I don't have issues with her because to date, she's had none with me and well, isn't for lack of a better word, crazy. If we met under different circumstances, could be a friend. Don't think I could do the BSC BM thing and really pray that it all stays just this way-empathize with those who do on a daily basis..
No you're not the only one, I get a long fine with BM and have said from day one that she is a good mother and raises SS well. She is respectful of me and I am of her. Actually she is just a nice person and I think under different circumstances we could probably be friends. She will always invite me in and vice versa.
Actually both BM and I have a common problem = FI. I don't think he always handles things the best. However, I 100% stay out of it and let him make his mistakes. I think that he gets caught up in trying to please everybody as opposed to doing what is best/right. He is getting better but his idea of boundaries with BM is to have as little contact with her as possible.
As weird as it might sound I?m a SM with a BF problem.
We're lucky in that my son's BF lives all the way across the country. He also isn't a bad guy, per se.
But we've also just kind of decided to not let the things he does get to us. A few months ago I got a collections notice in the mail from a utilities bill he didn't pay from 4 years ago when we split up and he stayed in the townhouse. We just paid it. I knew he'd refuse and I didn't want the drama.
What makes me sad about your post is it seems to blame the SMs for the BMs' issues. If the BM has issues - whether it's not being able to budget ample c/s money, or not feeding veggies to the kids, or being vindictive or unpredictable - of course the kids are impacted. As a SM, one of the parents involved, it does no one any good to simply overlook issues.