I feel defeated

OregonPachey · March 2010

As of tonight, I have pretty much thrown in the towel with breastfeeding. With Jack's sucking problems, his latching problems, multiple visits to the lactation consultant, weight gain issues, his mini-feeds, and now my supply issue, I don't have a day where something isn't wrong.

Tonight was the final straw, I literally was on the couch feeding him for two hours and he was still hungry. I have to constantly remind him that he's eating. He gets angry, pulls off my nipple and then screams.

I can't do it any more. I am exhausted, he is frustrated and this is just not any fun for either of us.

I am going to continue to TRY to BF once in a while. However, with my supply issues, I don't think I will be successful.

I am very disappointed in myself. I really wanted to be successful, but it's just not going to happen. I am very very sad and am embarrassed to tell a lot of people that this is going on. I am sure they will look down on me.

My doctor told me to drink dark beer and I took it upon myself to get some Fenugreek to boost my supply. I have a feeling I will end up going the formula route in a few weeks because I am not pumping like I used to. I only get 4 ounces (if I am lucky) at a pumping session instead of 8-10 like I used to.

If you made it this far, thank you. Sorry this was so long.

Lucky428 · March 2010

I'm so sorry hun. Big hugs. It is so hard. I now EP bc he refuses to latch. It's such a hard thing to go through.

Keep reminding yourself you've done great!!! It is such a constant challenge.

Mskharis · March 2010

I was there before. If you really want to still feed, dont give up. My supply has decreased because of going back to work. I also supplement when the bm is not enough. My doctor told me to pump like crazy, as much as I can, even if nothing is coming out, pump, pump, pump. I used to always get at least 6 oz. Then it decreased to barely nothing. Now, after following the doctord orders, I got 5 out today. But if you decide to throw in the towel, dont feel bad. A lot of women cant bf, and wish they could give their lo any amount of bm. At least your lo did have some.

Mskharis · March 2010

Oh, and I also had latching issues because I had to supplement because of her size. After working with her several, and I mean several nights and days, she finally latched on.

shihtzumomma · March 2010

(((hugs)))

I am not going to sit here and tell you to keep trying, because I went through a lot of the same thing and gave up BFing because of it. DD and I are both so so so much happier now because of it. Do whatever you need to do to be happy and don't worry about what others will think. Happy mom = happy baby and doing what is best for you is what is best for your LO.

MelissaSue81 · March 2010

((hugs))

MrsGhappilyeverafter · March 2010

I'm so sorry Rachel. I completely understand where you're coming from. Two weeks ago I decided to quit but then I felt the guilt you're talking about so I said I'd try for one more day. That was the turning point for us and things started to get better for some reason. You shouldn't have to feel guilty though. I know it's a hard thing to tell people you're having problems. I know a couple people IRL who had such an easy time BFing so they would never understand my struggle. In the end, what's most important is that you're happy and Jack is happy. There's nothing wrong with formula. Do what will make you happy. ((HUGS))

BeckyS1211 · March 2010

Try not to be so hard on yourself Rachel! BFing is not an easy task as so many people think it is. As long as and baby are happy and healthy, that's what matters : )

ibis · March 2010

I'm sorry - I understand how you're feeling. When I was thinking about quitting I cried for hours on end. It's hard. But you know what, this is just a moment in time with your little boy. You'll get through this and he will still love you so much, and grow up healthy and strong. Hang in there girl.

tiffanylaw06 · March 2010

I won't tell you that you'll get through because it was hard hearing that and not getting through. I tried and tried and tried. DS wouldn't latch well. He would pull off, fuss, etc. We pumped but I couldn't get my supply up. I'd get 4oz max per session from both boobs total and he'd eat 6oz. So I was always behind. After the first few pumping sessions, I'd only get 2oz and get further and further behind as the day progressed. It was defeating, exhausting, frustrating, and really made me sad. I shed a lot of tears over my decision and finally stopped. He was only getting about 25% BM towards the end and I had to return to work in a few weeks so I just ended it around 8w. After feeling like a disappointment and sad over it for a few days, I got over myself and realized Dylan was happier and I was happier and we moved on as a formula feeding family. Good luck with your decision. Either way, you've done a great job and given your LO a great gift.

sunnyday16 · March 2010

Oh honey you are awesome. I had alot of problems early on and ended up quitting when I went back to work at 3 months. It just wasnt working and I was so frustrated, exhausted and Cora always seemed hungry and fussy. Someone told me, happy mommy, happy baby and it is so true. We made the switch and Cora and I were so much happier. Don't be dissapointed, you did great! There are so many of us on this board that had problems.I felt so guilty for giving formula and it is so stupid! Some people have wonderful success with BFing but many people don't. Don't beat yourself up. It's those crazy hormones! Hugs!

Mrs. Diss · March 2010

I'm sorry! ((HUGS)) I would never look down on you. BFing is extremely hard, even when you don't have any issues. My supply has also started tanking and I'm only getting 3-5 ounces a pumping session as well and I just can't keep up. It sucks and it's hard not to feel like a failure, but to me it's not worth the stress and being upset. DD will be better off with formula and a happy mommy than BM and a stressed, exhausted mommmy, at least that's how I feel. We may switch her to formula during the day and I'll still try to BF at night, but we'll see. ((BIG HUGS))

mh2t · March 2010

I am sorry you are having a tough time too, but I'm wondering if your supply is really so terrible. 8-10 oz is amazing, but 4 oz is normal for me at a pumping session! Could it be that your supply is still just regulating?

And as for the two-hour cranky cluster feed, DD does that occasionally as well. Sometimes it has meant a growth spurt (your DS could be in for the 6-week one), other times she's just being fussy. I don't think it necessarily means that you

I was having supply issues recently too, and my pumps went down to 1.5-2 oz. I started drink tons more water and taking alfalfa supplements (recommended by my doc) and it seems my supply has gone back up - I got 4 oz last night and was so relieved.

happygirl06 · March 2010

I don't post much on this board but I did on ttcal and pgal. But I live in tualatin which you and I discussed at one point. I have had a lot of bf issues and have a great lc that does not work for the hospital. The ones at the hospital were not very helpful and I almost threw in the towel too. If you want her info email me at portlandgirl916 at gmail dot com. It is so hard!

TheEnglishgirl · March 2010

I don't really have any issues with BF and am constantly obsessing about it. You are doing a great job. 4 ozs is A LOT and 8-10 ozs is an insane amount to me!

amlea81 · March 2010

So so so been there honey. I EBF for the first two weeks, but a tongue tied DD and PPD, mixed with lack of sleep made me such a mess. It's hard hearing all these suggestions on how to keep going when you're considering giving up, but I also know how much of a failure it makes you feel like when you see those EBF badges and all the moms who it DID work for. They all mean well, but you have to make the decision for yourself. Once you do, don't look back.

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE.

I promise. Really. Jack needs a happy, confident mom. The day I started supplementing was the beginning of my healing process. Sure, it's still hard. I even leak some still because I did continue to pump what I could for three months. It's a cruel reminder of my inability to BF my child. You know what though? Megan is absolutely thriving on formula and is such a happy little girl. So many babies don't get a single drop of BF and go on to be just perfect. Look how much DS has gotten already, and at the most crucial part of his life.

Mommyhood is full of guilt - I've already learned this. It's hard enough without the pressure we put on ourselves. It hurts for a long time giving up that dream of BFing your LO, but it does pass and you begin to laugh at how much pressure you put on yourself. I promise you, you will move on, and Jack is going to have a happy mom because of it. It's cliche, I know, but a happy mom is a happy baby.

You're probably tired of hearing all this, that it will get better and you will get over it, but I hoped maybe just one more story similar to yours would help. Please feel free to PM me at any time. I'd love to chat. Take care of yourself. You are a fantastic Momma!

mrsandrews07 · March 2010

Oh sweetie, don't get down on yourself. Be proud that you tried it, and gave it a great try!! It's not for everyone and that is ok. Formula feeding is not bad. Kate is FF fed now, I still miss BFing so much but it wasn't for her. She is doing so much better on formula. You are doing a great job. Do what's best for you and Jack and don't worry about what anyone else says!

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