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Single Parents
anyone else lurk on the blended families board?
Obviously, I'm not there yet, but I still lurk.
I think it's funny that we have all of the db bashing here, and they of course have all of the bm bashing over there.
I'm guessing because we are on opposite parts of the relationships.
It makes me think about the future though. I do NOT want to be one of the birthmoms they talk about. At the same time, I do still have hard feelings towards H.
If he was to get married to the woman he cheated on me with, I don't know that I could ever be friendly.
I do hope, that at some point my feelings towards H are minimum and that we can get along for dds sake.
I just wish it was easier in general for everyone to realize there are always two sides to a story...and usually you only know one side.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: anyone else lurk on the blended families board?
I went and looked for the first time and it scares me.
I really have no idea what I would do or how I would feel is someone else was around my baby. And I really never want to think about it. I hope the ex stays single forever. Maybe I can get no other females around my baby in the court order, do you think he would go for that?
"There comes a time in life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good. So love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living."
I lurk there but for a different reason. I look to see that maybe I can have a family that involves a fantastic relationship with a man, even though it won't be with the father of my children. I hope to have a blended family some day.
On the other end, I know my daughter has met STBXH's girlfriend, even though he told he she hadn't. I have to disconnect about it because I don't want it to become a problem. My children and I will have a better relationship if I don't harbor hate for people that are in their lives.
(with that said, I hate that b*tch)
I don't like that board one bit. They're not nearly as supportive as the women here, and they seem to think that all birth mothers are nothing but vindictive, insecure, controlling and overbearing wenches....although I think someone got flamed pretty badly for making a generalization about birth mothers there.
Did it occur, to any of those posters that think the above of "biomoms," that perhaps we are insecure and controlling and vindictive because most of us were dumped when we got pg or because we got pg, and so trusting people is a LITTLE DIFFICULT?
Augh. I'm already worrying about how f*cked up Josh and his parents are going to make Isaiah. Now I have to worry about the next woman in his life too....
I agree the blended families board seems to be a little one sided. All they know are the people they are with and not the people that we ended up leaving...lol
Honestly, I hope that STBXH finds someone that is amazing and treats DD like her own (if he ever decides to have anything to do with her.) The last thing I want is for him to end up with someone who resents DD being around.
I originally started lurking over there looking more towards the future. In hopes of one day having a happy family without h.
I lurk over there pretty frequently, and just came to the above conclusion after a while.
Obviously everyones situation is different. Just like on our board, some women left for very good reasons. However, h left me for no apparent reason other then his 18 year old gf, it's not as if I was cheating, doing drugs, or an alcoholic or anything like that. So yes, I have anger towards him, and his gf.
I hope that someday I am over him enough to not care about his personal life. Because in the end, it is obviously about dd, and I want the best for her.
As of right now, it's all still fresh.
I'm not saying this applies to everyone, but I'm already feeling pretty down, and I don't respond well to the "tough love" approach, which is precisely why I like this board. I'm glad that we don't feel the need to be harsh with each other to get points across, or to get people motivated.
"I don't respond well to the "tough love" approach, which is precisely why I like this board"
This. I understand everyone has a different situation, but most of us have been through a lot and find positive support much better than harsh criticism (which we're probably getting through other people anyways). I think this all relates to what achase was posting earlier about the girls who were "rejected" - how do you develop a relationship with a SM when she is the reason you're life has taken the path it has? Most of us see our situations as being the best for us, but it still doesn't make it okay with us to share our joy with another "mom:... one who thought it was okay to be a homewrecker in the first place... but this is just IMHO.
I definitely had someone tell me yesterday that they couldn't be friends with me anymore, since me wanting a baby meant that I wanted all this drama and me bringing it on myself then whining about it wasn't worth tolerating.
Yes, this is EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED. I WANTED the man I was planning a wedding with, the man I planned to spend the rest of my life with, to lie to me about being ready for a baby--and then to completely back off and not want to have anything to do with the reality he was now facing. I WANTED to end up breaking up with him and still sharing a roof because we're locked into a lease. I WANTED sleepless nights where I worry he's going to take my child, or worry that something will happen to Izzy when he's with his dad. I WANTED to end up single, pregnant, unemployed, and alone. This is SO HOW I PLANNED ALL OF THIS TO GO.
Sorry. Touched a nerve. I didn't mean to go all ranty. But there is a reason I turn to the women on here, moreso than I do my IRL friends. Well, a couple reasons. 1) none of them have kids. I am the First To Spawn. 2) Most of them don't know I wanted a baby with Josh, and since he said he was ready and since I, you know, beLIEVED him, they'd probably feel the same way as the person I mentioned above because they don't get the nuances the way I think most of y'all do.
Then again, if the fact that I trusted my XFI enough to think that it was okay that we weren't using protection means I deserved what I got, then I guess I need to take off.
My situation is not all that different than yours. I thought my family was great. We were actively TTC and my husband was a SAHD. He left me, pregnant, right around when your husband left you. He had been seeing a girl for 4 days when he left. They are still together.
I know I don't want to be with him based on what has happened since, which is where I have found my closure for our relationship. It is still fresh for me, and I am not going to be seeing anyone any time soon. I have to be strong for my daughter though, who is much older than yours and understands more of what is going on. I cannot harbor resentment towards him or his girlfriend because that is not best for my daughter (or my son eventually). I have never, and will never, say negative things about either of them in front of my children, and I won't act in a way that gives them a negative attitude about them. My STBXH and his girlfriend don't deserve that, but my children do.
::mommymanda::
I hope you didn't get the wrong idea about my post
I was completely agreeing with you. I like this board for the support we get and I think that we all understand that we don't need the harshness here - we already put enough on ourselves.
We ALL thought things were great, otherwise we wouldn't be in our situations... Mine is similar to yours and it sucks being alone and unemployed now and dealing with all the emotion and everything. None of us asked for our shiity situations.
@kjh44 not at all! I just realized, as I was typing, that it was entirely possible I was about to bring on a round of flaming. And I'm seriously the kind that would rather disappear than create any kind of issue. Incidentally, I felt really guilty for being kind of snide to Shahlala, and was thinking about her earlier tonight--she's one of the people I've seen get tough-loved and an example, I think, of why the harsh comments don't always get the job done.
I didn't mean to make you sad! I'm sorry
I completely understand. I'm 29 years old and my XBF turned out to be WAY too much drama -- which I had no control over -- yet a large number of my friends blamed me it for b/c I chose to date him (nevermind the fact that I would never had dated him had I known any of this would happen). I had a lot of successful friends with mellow lives, who have never been through any particularly difficult situations. My life had been very tame and boring the 6 years since my divorce (I don't drink, I work full time and go to school, and spend most of my free time outdoors hiking, biking, camping, volunteering, etc. with DD). When I found out about the other women and the pregnancy on the same day, I needed my friends' emotional support, yet most of them turned the other way, blaming me for the situation. Yes, I had pre-marital sex, but I was on the BCP. There were other things that happened that they blamed me for as well (the first week of December was the worst week I've ever had), and these were people who I had been friends with for years -- who know that I'm the sweetest, most caring person in the world -- friends who I've always been there for. I had several friends tell me that I was too much drama, despite the fact that I hadn't done anything to cause the drama; it happened to me and I have to deal with it, but I did not choose it.
I've been very picky; I've dated really great guys since my divorce, and my XBF seemed like such a great guy... successful, sweet, funny, great with my daughter. How could I have known that any of this would happen? How could I have known that my XBF would file criminal harassment charges against me for bringing him coffee at work while we were dating just so his other girlfriend (I didn't know this at the time) who was there wouldn't find out that we were dating (dropped immediately, of course, b/c I didn't do anything illegal and there was obviously no evidence that I had done anything wrong, but stressful nonetheless b/c I have no criminal record)? How could I have known that my nanny would abuse my daughter? How could I have known that my XH would suddenly have an interest in seeing my daughter after 6 years -- just months after trying to kill his girlfriend and being diagnosed with schizophrenia? (Yes, all of this happened in the same week.) I've ended a lot of friendships in the last few months b/c they weren't supportive the way I feel friends should be; all I needed was people to talk to/vent my frustrations to, and they weren't there. My family has never been supportive. I try to make the best decisions for my daughter and I, yet I feel so alone and so judged right now. Yes, I am pregnant and unmarried (read: ALONE), but I did not ask to be put in this situation. All I can do is make the best of it, which is hard enough with no support, let alone judgement from complete strangers.
I think a lot of people (not all) say something before they know the situation, which to me isn't "tough love," it's ignorance. What happened to Shalala was a shame. In this day and age, especially in our culture, most people lack empathy, and use the excuse that this is a "free country" and they have the "freedom to say their opinion." Just because something is legal, does not mean that it is moral. Yes, we are given freedom of speech, but does that mean that you have to be rude? And if you haven't been in that situation yourself, how can you even begin to offer "advice"? If I had someone on this board judge me, especially since they don't know the (entire) situation that I'm in, I wouldn't come back. That being said, I have not been to the BF board, this is just my general impression of thebump boards. This is pretty much the only board I go to b/c the people are more mature and respect each other (for the most part).
I have lurked over there, and I actually see both sides. My DD's father has never been in her life so I know that I would not be comfortable with her being with him, let alone a gf/wife of his. But on the other hand, I've been engaged for almost 2 years and FI has 2 children (7 and 4) and their mother will not let them around me at all. I always said I can understand if we had only been dating a couple months or what not, but we have been dating almost 3 years and engaged for almost 2, I think it is time for her to let up a little. Hopefully if things continue the way they are, I will not have to worry about anyone being a SM to DD, and I'll just have to try and deal with FI's BM. So don't be quick to judge, you could be on the same page as some of the BF women as well.
I could have written this word for word.