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Babies: 9 - 12 Months
BelleBaby
member
I'm totally failing my guys (all three of them)
BelleBaby
member
What an awful night. Ben went down at 8pm with no trouble, but then got up at 10, 10:30, 11, 11:30, midnight (bottle), 2:30, and 4:30. I have no idea why my baby can't sleep. Sometimes it seems like he's just being stubborn, other times it seems like he's in pain from teething or gas. I hate loading him up with tylenol every night, and that doesn't even seem to help sometimes. Eli did okay, he was only up at 2:30, but he stayed up until 4. I've been holding it together pretty well considering this has been going on for over a week now (I'm getting maybe 2-3 hours of sleep total a night if I'm lucky) but last night I broke down and started crying while I was rocking Eli begging him to go back to sleep. DH came and yelled at me to stop crying because I was keeping Ben awake! I told him to shut up and leave me alone. He's been going BSC every night for about a week now when the boys get up, stomping around the house, cursing and pouting but I have one bad night and he tells me to knock it off! WTH? It's to the point where if I don't cry I'm going to have a nervous breakdown I think.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't figure out how to help my babies sleep. I'm always in a bad mood because I'm so tired so I don't feel like playing wife. I'm in 100% mommy mode and that's 24/7 these days. So DH is pissy about that, but what am I supposed to do? It just feels like I'm letting everyone down.
Sorry for the long vent. I just had to get that off my chest so I can try to move on with my day and get some work done. I sometimes think that Ben is a lot like me. I have trouble getting my brain to shut down at the end of the day and it will sometimes keep me from sleeping. I wonder if he's not the same way. Maybe he's just got so much stuff going through his little head that he can't relax. Or maybe I'm just looking for any explanation for why he can't sleep well.
I'm off for some caffeination.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I'm totally failing my guys (all three of them)
you're not failing anyone- and as stressed as your husband might be he has no right yelling at you. he should be helping you- not cursing you out.
what do you use for sleep? swaddling? white noise? elevation? the swing?
what works best (that you've noticed?)
eating right before bed- nightlight? complete darkness? music?
have you talked to your pedi? are they in the same room/crib?
whew- it's rough having even one so i can't imagine 2! you'll be ok- and seriously, your hubs needs a sit down talkin' to session tonight. he either STFU's & helps you or he can leave. seriously.
look at the birds | bless this food
You today = me yesterday. :::hugs::: and we have the same DH.
I'm calling the pedi today about gas. It's causing 1-2 wakeups a night each.
Let me know how that call goes! I can't give Ben the Mylicon drops because they make him so constipated that he ends up having more problems then when he just had gas!
I'm hoping I can blame most of this on the 4 teeth that are almost through his top gums.
We've used Mylicon, Dr. Brown's and Gentlease, occasionally all at the same time and they still have wicked gas. I was really hoping it would be outgrown by now. I can't use gripe water because its contraindicated for kidneys.
I keep wondering if it's the types of food we're giving them. I try to only give stuff that has broccoli or other gas causers in it at lunch so hopefully it won't interfere with night time, but that doesn't seem to work. And they love all of the new stuff we're giving them so I hate to take it from them, but I don't know if it's really worth all of this!
Last night they had a Beech Nut 3rd food, green beans with corn and rice. They LOVED it, even Mr. I Hate Green Veggies (Eli).
Maybe they're little systems are just maturing and it causes issues? I wish I knew!
Honestly, it sounds like you have three kids.... And if my DH gave me that kind of attitude and that lack of compassion and help guess what he'd be doing? Getting up every night, every time until he got it through his head that you can't control what your LO's do.
Hell, just for fun, I think I'd even get up now and then, stomp and huff around and give him a hard time. Oh, and yes, he'd still be getting his @ss up for work.
If I were you- I'd be crying to. Sounds like you have two very young children and you're basically on your own.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
It's just unbelievable how different he is during the day. He'll do anything with them during the day while they're happy and playing. But he's been getting so upset lately that they're still not sleeping well. And it seems like the role of cool-headed parent has fallen to me. I really don't know what's gotten into him lately. He'll act like an idiot all night, then expect to be totally forgive the next morning, blaming it all on lack of sleep. Guess what? I didn't sleep either and I didn't act like a moron.
He even said last night he "let" me get up twice with Eli because he knew he'd have to get up at 2:30 to feed him. This from the guy who hadn't been up once at this point. I'd been up more than 5 times at that point. I could have throat punched him at that point.
I just really don't get him sometimes. Like you said, I feel like I'm trying to figure out what 3 kids need, not just 2!
I think the maturing systems' definitely play a hand. Gas got better around 6 months and now is worse again.
Also corn can be hard to digest so you might want to scale back on that before bed too.
Honestly, he's treating you (and all of you who have H's like this) EXACTLY HOW YOU ARE ALLOWING THEM TO TREAT YOU.
They can't treat you like this without YOUR permission.
So, the next time your LO gets up, kick your H's ass out of bed and say "your turn". It took two of you to make the baby and it will take two of you to care for it and share responsibilities.
And there's no way in hell I'd let my DH get away with acting all hunky-dory during the day and an ass at night.
((HUGS)) to both of you. I feel like all three of us MoMs are going through the exact same things just not always at the same exact same time.
One thing that did help a little was to move the PnP in our bedroom and use it for the one that was waking up more than once or twice. We actually let him whine just a little bit longer than usual because we weren't worried about him waking his brother and he ended up going back to sleep on his own several times. Not every time...but some. And if he had been in his crib, I would have gone in there too soon. Then, when he started sleeping better, he moved back into his crib with no problems.
Of course, if it is teething...nothing but Hylands teething tablets and tylenol for about a week would let us get more than 2 hours of sleep.
I only have the one, but around 5.5 months I freaked out and just started crying, too. It's hard being woken up a billion times all night (DS was co-sleeping and would wake ever 45 min to nurse). I just couldn't take it any longer so DH and I came up with a plan to sleep train. He was a complete jerk at first though. He said that he couldn't believe I was getting mad at a baby for "being a baby".
Are you sure that it's gas and/or teething? They might just have gotten used to waking each other up all night and now it's a habit. Do you let them cry when they wake but aren't hungry? Maybe try putting them in each in their own room for a little while so that you can let them fuss without waking the others?
I'm so sorry you're going through this and that you don't have any support. I have a similar experience, but I only have one.
I hope it gets better soon!
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
You don't think that by helping the babies sleep it would help the family as a whole? Have you never been so sleep deprived that you just get angry and are having a hard time coping? I'm not saying that the DH in this isn't in the wrong, but if I was getting 3 hours of sleep every night and then having to go to work in the morning I would be having a really hard time, too. Heck, if I was getting 3 hours of sleep for 8 months straight regardless of what I had to do the next day I would be falling apart.
Besides, it's not like the babies are 3 months old and too young to sleep train. They are 8 months old and could learn to sleep better. That would help them and their parents.
Obviously getting the baby to finally sleep would be a great thing. But more importantly is the support system the mom has behind her. And right now- it sounds like the OP is all on her own. And that is absolutely disgusting.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
With the week you've been having, you NEED to be in 24/7 mommy mode. If your DH doesn't get that, he needs a reality check. Your babies come first, obviously. DH is a grown man and he can take care of himself until things get back to normal. Actually, he shouldn't be taking care of himself, he should be taking care of his kids.
I'm very annoyed by this.
I think Kendall is right here. DH wouldn't be such an a$$ if he were getting sleep. Granted, that doesn't excuse his behavior because I'm not sleeping either and I try to limit my a$$y-ness as much as possible. But I do have bad nights (like last night) and he needs to LET me have bad nights. We know that the boys are definitely not doing this on purpose and we're really trying our hardest to figure out something that works. But in the midst of all of this sleep deprivation, we get a little crazy sometimes. Heck, I almost walked straight into the nursery room door last night because I was on autopilot after getting up for the 5th or 6th time!
We waiting until the right age to sleep train (5-6 months) but nothing we've tried has worked with Benjamin. Eli is usually not a problem, just when he's sick or in pain. He sleeps pretty well and always has. I just don't know what else to try with Benjamin. I'm seriously considering calling our pedi and getting a referral to our children's hospital sleep clinic (I work at the hospital). Maybe there's something I'm missing.
I think the point here is that if there are two parents, the load could be split by two - allowing each parent to get a decent (if not full) night's sleep periodically.
Of course its best when LO STTN, but when that doesn't/isn't happening, having two mature adults available to split the workload vs. one adult making MORE work for the one who is already sleep-deprived seems like a better option, no?
Yeah, I don't really get the sudden a$$hat he's become. But it never gets me a chance to go off duty, even for a few minutes. I really blame it all on the lack of sleep and the stress level of having 2 the same age, but it's not like he's in this alone. That's what irks me the most. He acts like he's the only one having to get up and lose sleep.
DH helps a ton but whenever there are a few minutes to sleep or go check email etc. he always acts like it's more important for him to have it than me. The sleep I understand during the week because he drives and I take the train, but not on the weekends. And the computer thing bugs me to no end.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
I'm wondering about your feeding/nap schedules. Maybe some small adjustments to the daytime routine would help with the nights?
I know. I'm totally letting him get away with using that as an excuse. I'm tired too so neither of us should be able to complain any more than the other. I'm not saying it gives him a pass, I'm just saying I understand why it's happening.
I just usually don't have the energy (or time) for the long discussion (or fight) it would take to get him to wise up. It's just easier to try to ignore it and focus on the LOs. I know that just creates bad habits (just like with the babies!) but I'm in total survivial mode right now. I just try to get from one day to the next as well as I possibly can. I know that's a bad way to handle things, but really right now I just can't focus on much else besides making sure the boys get as much sleep as possible.
We've been waiting until 6:30 to do dinner (solids) but we're going to try making that earlier (right after we get home around 5:30) to see if that helps. Maybe if they get more of their solids through their tummy by the time bed time rolls around at 8:00, they'll do better. They both will typically take one good nap (1-2 hours) in the morning and in the afternoon. They seem to have given up their little cat naps most days now.
If you see any room in there for us to make some adjustments, I'm all ears!
First off, OP I would talk to your pedi about why your kids are getting up so often. There are so many possibilities that we can't even imagine. The pedi should be able to help you at least a little bit.
As far as your H goes- he is being a major DOUCHE. There is no reason to yell at you for the kids being up in the middle of the night and to get angry because he is woken up while you tend to them. He should be right there with you, helping get the kids settled and back in bed again. I don't care if he goes to work the next day- if you are a SAHM (which I get the impression you are) then you need to be more alert than him so you can take proper care of those kids. It takes just a moment for one of them to get into something and hurt themselves while you are zoned out due to lack of sleep. I suggest you sit down with that H of yours and set this straight NOW. Remind him that your job is to take care of the kids, and if you aren't getting help at night and are dead-a$$ tired the next day you can't do your job properly. The consequences for you not doing your job properly are far worse than any sleep-deprivation is going to cause at your H's job.
Good luck and I am sorry you have 2 little babies to take care of and one HUGE baby.
Just wanted to clarify that I'm a working mom. I'm up at 5 am every day, get the kids ready and drop them off at daycare, work until 4:30, pick them up from daycare, then spend the next 3 hours at home feeding them dinner, playing with them, and getting ready for the next day. So it is a little more complicated since we both work. We both have as much responsibility in the house as out of it (at least we should).
So your H thinks that you should still have to get up all night then try to work at a job while exhausted, but HE shouldn't have to? He obviously thinks his job is more important than yours Yeah, that wouldn't work in my house. Start kicking his a$$ out of bed to get up with the kids.
DH and I split nighttime duties. I put DD#2 to bed, first time he gets up, then I get up and so-on. A few weeks ago my DH tried to pretend he couldn't hear DD#2. I nudged him a few times (which he ignored) then I got up and rolled him out of bed and said "Oh, good, you're up. DD wants you". Then I went back to sleep. He hasn't done it since.
It's understandable he is tired, but he needs to think of you, too. It is NOT parenting to let one person do all the grunt work like getting up at night, then sit back and enjoy the fun times during the day.
I know. I just need to get more of a backbone and force him to do it! I usually just end up taking the path of least resistance and do it myself! Maybe tonight I'll try that "I just didn't hear them" thing and see how he likes it! Payback is not fun.
I can relate to being in survival mode and how awful that is, but honestly you are letting him walk all over you, which is inexcusable on your part.
What do you fear about standing up for yourself and your needs? That he'll just walk out the door and never come back?
What you're describing is a basically cruel division of labor that your H sees no problem with -- well, other than the burden it places on him.
YOU owe it to your kids to stand up for YOURSELF. Again, what's the worst your H could do if you call him on his BS? If you fear your H would do something like bail on your situation out of frustration, then you have much bigger problem than sleep schedules or exhaustion, and it's one you'll still have to face someday no matter what.
The thing is that while the passive-aggressive thing might work temporarily, you still need to sit your H down and explain to him that this is not right. You BOTH work and you BOTH are responsible for the care of the children.
The next time he's stomping around because the kids are up, I think I'd end up yelling "grow the F up".
If the "backbone" thing really is an issue, maybe counseling would be a good idea to help get your feelings/thoughts across and might help him understand.
It's not that I'm afraid to stand up for myself. Right now I'm just picking my battles and the bigger one seems to be the sleep problem with the boys. I've told him before when he's pulled this crap that he will not speak to me in that manner in front of the boys because I don't want them to grow up thinking that is acceptable. And I've also told him before that if we're too much for him to handle he knows where the door is. That usually straightens him right up because I think he realizes that I'm totally serious then. One night when things were really bad he actually said that he hated his life and I told him if that was the case he wasn't doing us any good by staying and he could go anytime he wanted. He of course immediately apologized but I still haven't forgotten that he said that.
I've definitely considered the counseling thing, especially if he doesn't fix his attitude soon. I'm really tired of having sweet loving daddy during the day and BSC jerk off in the middle of the night.
OMG, that is NOT the most important reason for him not to speak to you that way! You're tacitly saying, "Go ahead and treat me like dirt, but do it behind closed doors!"
He is not to speak to you that way because it is disrespectful to YOU! End of story. No need to bring the kids into it as human shields.
That's true. I guess I have trouble leaving "mommy" mode and forget to stand up for myself as a person. Thanks for the insight!
Say what I say. "I birthed your 2 sons at once. For 9 months I had more balls than you and Henry VIII would have worshipped me."
I think DH has been a little in awe of me ever since.
Of course, BOH would have the PERFECT response!
::logs that away for future reference::