A SM in school/social situations?
Shel77
member
So picked up SD from her mom?s with plan for DH and I to drop her off at a friend?s b-day party (totally ok per SD?s mom) and hit Target or grab a quick lunch before picking her up again. She wants us to stay and of course, we do...sigh. I can't believe how completely unprepared and awkward I felt in a social situation with elementary school parents, many of whom were more dressed up than I was on Sun afternoon.
Really felt like a bit of an ?imposter parent? e.g. making small talk regarding this year?s teachers, summer vacation plans, and just discussing SD in general, etc. and really didn?t want to seem like I was attempting to stand in for SD?s mom or even be her mom-tried to include her name in any conversation as much as possible.
Didn't want to ?say the wrong thing?, whatever that is, especially since ther was another little girl at the party with whom SD has a love/hate relationship and know that BM is friendly with her mom (who wasn't there). Since SD and her friend came to me with usual drama, tried to referee them as diplomatically as possible but kept thinking again, isn?t this a ?mom? job? nose where it doesn?t belong much?
We do a joint b-day party about every other year with BM and that?s always a little awkward for me in the ?where do I belong in all of this?? sense, but generally works fine. Today, truly had a severe case of the "I really don't belong here's". I was definitely the only step-parent there, then again, SD?s still pretty young and not to be cynical, sure as she gets older, there?ll be more.
Trust me, realize on the continuum of BF issues, this one doesn't rate all that high but hey, it's where my neurosis is stuck tonight. Any one? been there?
At least I got pizza and cake.
Re: A SM in school/social situations?
I'm sorry the party was so uncomfortable for you. But, don't be so sure you were the only stepparent there. We don't wear special hats or anything.
Sounds like you've got a potential major hurdle out of your way already - SD accepts you as her parent, coming to you as she would her mom. It's not bad if other people make assumptions about you as SD's mom. It would be strange if they didn't. As you spend more time around the school and other parents, you can tell them one-on-one as it's appropriate or comfortable, or not at all. BM's presence will be the biggest clue that you are a SM, but you know, it's not really anyone else's business. You don't have to feel like a fraud or a sham. SD is yours, too, part of the committment you entered when you married DH.
Hey Shell, I wrote a pretty similar post recently. It was my SSs First Confession a few weeks back and I totally got that 'what am I doing here' feeling. Actually that night I also kept thinking about how BM felt about my being there. I occasionally get this feeling from time to time and I think my situation is pretty similar to yours, we get along fine with BM, as in neither of us try to make this harder for each other and were all committed to making it as easy as possible on SS. Also we do the joint bday parties etc.
For me I personally think that the feeling stems from the fact that I am acutely aware that I am not SSs parent/mother. He has two very active parenst in his life and I simply support his dad. So I tend to get uncomfortable talking like a parent, kind of like I'm pretending to be something I'm not. Also in our case BM is very active in volunteering at the school and at SSs activities so I am always aware that I am speaking to her 'friends' as such and feel that they have things in common (kids) where as I don't really. Meh - I guess I'm trying to say I can totally identify with you.
Everyone tells me it will get easier with time, however, over the weekend my SM was telling me how nervous she is about my wedding. She kept reassuring me she would just stay in the background (I do not want that at all)
I get uncomfortable when BM shows up, because it's not as often and she very loudly tells everyone that she's "____'s PARENT". That's the only time I feel like an imposter parent. I know the other parents better than she does, they know I'm his SM...
sigh.
It is difficult, I completely understand.
A few years ago, we were at SD's dance recital, and being the mature adult that BM is - said that if we were there she didnt want to see SD. So I was the one that got SD ready (hair, makeup, clothing, etc.) and while we were waiting, the dance teacher said "Okay girls - grab your moms and lets go backstage and get ready!" And my SD looked at me and said "come on!" completely natural.
I was excited that she did that, and didnt even hesitate. For me it was uncomfortable because of my age. Im not much older than SD (we are 13 years apart).
I would just try to relax (even though it's hard!) and enjoy the moment
The other moms will most likely know that you are SM and help you out a bit or "fill you in" on whats going on 
Ummm, we totally should!!!!! That way it would be easy to pick each other out of a crowd!
I think that this is great advice!
This is great advice for lucky because she is the primary care giver and the person accompanying the child to everything. In my case I am usually there with BM or alone but everyone knows BM. If I did not make the distinction you could be certain that someone would say it back to BM and it would cause upset.
LOL
maybe a ribbon? something to watch for to see if you're in the club?
Won't our evil SM laughs distinguish us enough?
I'm doing mine right now, phantom.
Thanks for the show of "been there's", am thinking that this will get a little easier with time, and I did get the cake at the end.
Phantom-remember your post about the communion and SS's birthday and could totally relate when you posted it-funny how I can be so compassionate and reassuring when it isn't me. think we are in a pretty similar situation with respect to BM's and our role in SK's life....except you get to get married in Europe.
If the rest of you could please decide on a SM hat/ribbon/shirt, would truly appreciate it-this way I'll know who to stand with next time. Apparently the SM crowd is also the umm, young crowd, here. I am plenty old enough to actually be my SD's mom and middle aged at 32 by board standards.
lucky-thanks for the advice, I make the distinction of "SM" not so much for SD's benefit, but for her mom's, athough it was SD herself who told me to stop introducing her as my friend and call her my SD. I'm also adopted and when I'm with my bio-mom, she drags me around and brags about my accomplishments and "her daughter" while failing to explain that I have a mom and didn't meet her until I was 25yo-drives me freakin' crazy so maybe I'm thinking of that too.