? about birth: will I want people there?

MBandBud · March 2010

I never imagined I would be asking this. I have always said that it will be DH and I when the baby is born and that is it. Now I am having second thoughts (and third). I wonder if I'll regret not having my Mom there especially. But I know if I have Mom, it'll be Mom and Dad. I am also afraid that if I do have anyone other than DH there that I will miss out on a solid bonding experience with DH. We have been going through Bradley classes and I really feel like this will be such an experience for the three of us. That will change with others there.

WDYD and do you wish you did it differently?

It doesn't help that my parents are 8 hours away; it's not like I can just call when labor starts. And staying with us for a long period of time, really isn't an option.

mmcarlson1 · March 2010

I just wanted DH in the room. I am not really close with my mom and it just felt awkward to me. You could always have your parents at the hospital in the waiting room when you delivered.

LVBlvd · March 2010

I was induced at 1 PM and by 5 when everyone was off work, I had several friends of mine and DH's there, plus both my parents. She wasn't born until 11 PM by C-Section, so of course everyone was gone except my mom and dad. It was nice to have that special time with just my parents and DH. But I was excited to have my friends come up in the morning to meet her. It is different for everyone!

LVBlvd · March 2010

If you are talking about being in the room for the actual birth...I knew it would only be DH. I thought you meant in and out of your room during labor. I wanted everyone up there to keep me company during that time! But for the actual birth...just DH. I ended up with C-Section so it wouldn't have been a choice either way.

krissyh21 · March 2010

In a way I loved having my mother there. Just my mom and H, not sure I could handle my father there. My mom went through it all, so knew what was going down (plus she is an ex L&D nurse). My H on the other hand, was like a deer in headlights for the first 2 hours of me pushing (I pushed for 3 hours). It helped me knowing she was there in case something went wrong. But that was one of the major deciding factors for me.

My mother and I are close and I am glad I got to give her the oppurtunity to see a grandchild being born (she was not allowed in for my sisters c/s)

We did have some ground rules in place that she respected. Like not staying long with us after the baby was here, etc. So basically she saw him and then left and came back with my dad later in the day.

I don't feel like I missed out on a bonding experience with my H because, he was paralyzed through much of the thing. Once LO was out we had that time to enjoy together and bond.

Of course how each H handles it is very different.

cjsbdl · March 2010

It was just my husband and me. Our families visited the room early on in the labor process but we were alone for the birth. I love both my Mom and MIL dearly, but I had absolutely no desire to have them in the room for my birth and I have no regrets.

nickoletta100 · March 2010

There were 7 people in the room when I got pregnant with Kacey (due to IVF) I wanted less for the birth!!! Me, DH, my doula, doctor and a nurse. It was wonderful. I think too many people can put stress on you. I was happy with who was there and and planning the same for this birth.

5Foot · March 2010

LVBlvd:
If you are talking about being in the room for the actual birth...I knew it would only be DH. I thought you meant in and out of your room during labor. I wanted everyone up there to keep me company during that time! But for the actual birth...just DH. I ended up with C-Section so it wouldn't have been a choice either way.

This. I only wanted DH in the room for the delivery. Just not something I want to share with anyone else but everyone is different. Of course, I wound up with a c-section so it really didn't matter but I still would have only wanted DH.

alison43 · March 2010

I didn't want anyone else there. It was the right choice for us.

muppet.fan · March 2010

Just me and DH and no regrets. We didn't even have anyone out in the waiting room since I went into labor early in the day and E arrived at 4:50 p.m. -- just in time for people to come over on their way home from work.

kimarino13 · March 2010

I wouldn't have wanted anyone there but MH when the babies were actually born (if I would have had them vaginally). But I am so glad all of my family was there with us shortly after we got back to my room (from recovery). MH and I got to be with the babies alone in recovery for 2 hours before we got to my room.

epphd · March 2010

We live 1000 miles from my parents and 3000 miles from DH's parents, so it was just the two of us. Before birth I was a bit nervous that I'd regret not having some family there, but actually, it was great. (And note - I went into labor on Christmas, checked into the hospital on Christmas night and delivered at 3 a.m. on the 26th - we had no family around). I think if my mom was there she would have freaked out at the complications (albeit minor in retrospect) that I had. DH's mom would only have been there if my mom was there so then there would have been that dynamic (dueling grandmas). It was just easier and more special, I think, for it to be the two of us.

Now - had the grandparents been around in the days AFTER the birth that might be a different story. Again, I am glad it was just the two of us, but particularly because we were in the hospital for a few extra days, it might have been nice to have some extra help or company. When DH had to go home to feed the cats or fetch a few things from home, I did feel a bit lonely.

TxJen1972 · March 2010

At first I just wanted DH there, even while we were just laboring. In the end, I decided to invite a few family members and I was glad. I labored for almost 2 days (I was induced and so the first day I just had cervadil in and wasn't having hard contractions). I was so glad for the company and for DH to be able to take a break and leave if he wanted. I ended up having a c/s but if I would have delivered vaginally, I would have only wanted dh in the room. We got to bond with dd in recovery and my family let us have some time alone with her when they first brought her in the room. I think it all depends on the person and also how your labor goes.

GypsyEsq · March 2010

I wanted my Mom there and invited both my parents but my Dad, respectfully, refused to be present. In fact, he wouldn't even leave his house until I went into labor (and he drove from NM to Texas 11 hours -- he really did not want to see the birth). Anyway I needed my Mom. I just did. I wouldn't say we're not close but I just knew that I'd need a woman to rely on. I also invited my best friend and she was wonderful -- she took care of DH who pretty much didn't know what to do. As it turns out my Mom had some freak outs too but I didn't know about it - best friend hurried her out for a "walk" or a smoothie. My godsend was my doula though. And in the end -- 27 hours after it all started I ended up giving birth via cesarean section and again it was me, DH, my Mom and my doula in the OR. Dad was finally in Texas but at our house awaiting word. It worked out great. And after that long of a labor everyone was exhausted and just wanted to sleep.

BelleBaby · March 2010

I just had DH. If I would have asked my mom, his mom would have wanted in and I'd have had to smack her at some point (she is VERY overbearing and gets on my nerves on a normal day!). Luckily, I had a c/s so no one but DH was allowed anyway!

MBandBud · March 2010

This is awesome input, ladies. Thank you so much. I do think I am going to stick with what we originally planned b/c I think that is what I will want amidst the reality. I am glad you differentiated between labor/birth, that helped, too. In my heart of hearts I think it just needs to be DH and I. I was planning on my parents coming 2 weeks later; I may up that a little bit but we can always do that at the time as well.

I so appreciate everyone sharing, as always, it helps me sort out my emotions. Thank you again.

roaringrock · March 2010

I had both of my sisters at my birth (my mom is no longer living.) my induction/labor took FOREVER and I think having my sisters around gave dh some relief. he could grab a coffee and not feel guilty for leaving me.

it was a great experience (not the labor) and I would not change a thing (except for the major tear and episiotomy.) Indifferent

lilmel6 · March 2010

My mom and I are best friends and I know she wanted to be there, but I said no. I wanted that to be a moment that DH and I could have (alone) together. We called our parents after DD was born and told them when they could come. I would not have done it any other way.

mrsolsenk12 · March 2010

I just had DH in the room (besides the nurse) during labor and pushing. Once it was determined that I needed a c-section (baby was stuck in my pelvis) and I was being preped my MIL showed up. Not what I wanted but I wasn't in the mood to kick her out since I was getting ready to go anyway. Of course in the OR, it was just 2 dr.'s, a couple nurses, the drug doctor (my friend!) and DH. I don't regret my original plan of just us for our vaginal birth even though it didn't work out that way.

madhatter2003 · March 2010

I'm a bit late on this, but it was just DH and me and I'm SO glad we had that experience. It's honestly not something I would want family there for, and I *love* my family don't get me wrong.

Mrs.OL · March 2010

After struggling as hard as we did to conceive DS I had very strong feelings that I wanted this experience to just be between MH and I. I have zero regrets.

My parents and my sister were in the waiting room and came in and met him shortly after he was born. It did mean a lot to me/them that they were there and were the first to meet/hold their grandchild/nephew.

I think it is completely a personal decision and one that only you and DH can make.

SeaSoul · March 2010

This is something I don't think you can plan for, unfortunately. I said throughout my pregnancy that I just wasn't sure how I was going to feel. Fortunately, my parents live only an hour away and I knew they wanted to at least be at the hospital (and I know my mom would have loved to be in the delivery room). So, I called them when we were heading to the hospitaL (which, in my case was during early labor b/c we had no power at home) and they came to the hospital and hung out with us for about 6-7 hours. At that point I was in too much pain and was finding my parents to be a distraction during contractions. I really needed to focus and their presence was breaking my focus. Maybe I would have felt differently if I had had an epidural, but since I had a med-free birth I found that I needed to REALLY concentrate during every contraction.

So, they weren't there for the delivery but they were there in the beginning and they came in about an hour after Cal was born. With your parents living so far away, I'm not sure what to suggest except perhaps to call them when you go into labor and if they hit the road right then, they will probably be able to make it for the delivery if you decide you want them there (since most first-time labors are longer than 8 hours!) - and may even catch a large part of it (my labor was 22 hours)!

dusk42 · March 2010

Just tell your H to make sure to take lots of pictures post birth or during early labor. I only have three pictures from the night she was born, and the nurse had to tell DH to take them (we were just too overwhelmed with "OMG, she's here!"). And I have no pictures of the three of us from just after she was born. Also, designate someone to take pictures of the three of you in the first days in the hospital. Both families took TONS of pictures of Avi, but not one of the three of us. I have one picture of the three of us as we are leaving the hospital, and luckily I made my mom take it twice - the first one blurred.

Other than that, I really liked having just DH there - we also did a Bradley class, and he was great during the whole process. I did send him to go get some dinner at one point. His mother called at one point during active labor and I wanted to throw the phone out the window - luckily he told her he had to go immediately. We were still trying to go non-medicated at that point, and I needed him to focus on helping me. If other people were there, there would have been side conversations, etc.

I know we made the right choice because my parents were here for the week after she was born, and DH was the only one who was really focused on taking care of me and the baby. My parents were doing all these projects to "help" - at that point, I didn't need a piece of furniture refinished, I needed someone to bring me water, ibuprofen, and food every hour or two, and I needed them to let DH sleep during the day so he could help me stay awake at night while feeding her. So even though they were "helpful," they weren't really "helping." I'm sure it would have been the same during labor.

terraflora · March 2010

I too am taking the Bradley classes and understand the emphasis on the very close connection between you and DH during the birth. I've decided that I just want DH there. My mom would have to fly in and would thus be staying with us before/after too. If she was in town I would have her come to the hospital, but not come into the delivery room until after the baby is born. But since she has to fly in I've told her and my dad and brother to come when baby is 2 weeks old. I figure that will give DH and I time to bond with the baby and figure things out a bit. DH is also taking 2 weeks off, so it will be most helpful to have my family come to help out after he goes back to work.

I think if your instinct is to just have DH there, go with it.

nicolita14w · March 2010

Just me and DH. That's all I wanted and was glad that's what we did. I love my parents but would not have wanted them there for the birth nor for that 1 hour bonding period afterward before they took DS away to give him a bath-- that was the most magical hour of my life.

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