Tell me if I'm wrong here. (long, MIL related) — The Bump
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Tell me if I'm wrong here. (long, MIL related)

Looong story short:

My brother died in October under very mysterious and tragic circumstances.  He was missing for 6 days before his body was found in the river in Boston.  This all happened one week after my grandmother passed away after being very ill for some time.

The issue: 

DH and I live in PA and our families live in NC (in cities 45 minutes apart).  When my grandmother died, my MIL demanded that we come see her while we were in NC.  This wouldn't have been a problem except that her whole schedule was booked for the entire time we were going to be there, so she demanded that we tell her a time we'd be available so she could rearrange her schedule.  At this point, the funeral hadn't even been planned, and we weren't sure where we'd be needed (there needed to be a lot of help cleaning up her house, etc), so we said that unfortunately we weren't able to make any commitments and we'd have to see her another time.

Two weeks later, we were home again after being in Boston helping with the search for my brother, this time helping my mom plan her second funeral that month.  Again, MIL demanded that since we were in town for a week, we absolutely had to come visit her and spend the night.  I thought that was totally selfish and unreasonable and told her so, and we saw her at the wake and at the funeral.

We visited NC a few more times between then and now and visited her at her home during those visits.

Now we are about to be home again.  While we are there, my parents are going to be meeting with MA State Police to go over all the evidence in my brother's case and they are going to tell them their conclusions.  Up to this point there has been no ruling in the cause or manner of his death, so we'll be finding out if they have ruled it accident, murder, or suicide.  Regardless of what it is, it will be insanely difficult for my family.  Of course, MIL is already laying the pressure on about how unfair it is for us to spend the entire week with my family and not bring DD to spend the night with her while we're home.  I sort of feel like I need to spend these days with my family, but I know it's difficult for her not living near her granddaughter.  At the same time, it makes me incredibly angry that she is pressuring us this way.  WDYT?

bishes be crazy

Re: Tell me if I'm wrong here. (long, MIL related)

  • I would feel like my family needed my support!! Have you tried to explain that to her? If so, I don't understand how she could be so selfish ... it would make me upset, personally.
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  • Wow- first of all, I'm so sorry for everything you and your family have been going through.  I can't imagine how hard it's been.  With this in mind, I'm sure it's hard for your MIL not to see your DD when you're in town, and under normal circumstances I'd say make time for her.  These aren't normal circumstances and she should be much more concerned with you and how you're holding up than the "unfairness" of not seeing DD.  Take care of yourself and your family first- they need you, and I would imagine you need them much more than MIL needs to see LO.  GL- T&P are with you!!!
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  • I don't mean to be rude but i would tell your mil to kiss you behind- stay with your family. You need them and they need you. If it were other circumstances I would say try and make time fr her but this is serious and scary and emotional! Sometimes I just dont get how people can be so selfish! I am extremely sorry to hear about your brother and your grandmother. You and your family are in my thought and prayers!
    Parker 12:09:09 Alyssa 5:31:12
  • You are not wrong. You are not on a pleasure trip.
  • She is being extremely insensitive and selfish. Tell her you'll catch her on the next visit and make that the end of the discussion.
  • I kinda went through a simlar but really not really situation with MIL tonight.  MIL buys us a lot of things to make up for not being close.  She sent me a message asking to skype tonight, I told her I was leaving for a funeral of a good friend and couldn't.  She asked if we could later on tonight, and I explained, No... I had a lot going on tonight and being on skype was the last thing I could do.  Next message "So tom then?"

    I know it's not the same.  But at this moment in my life, my concern is not around her.  I feel ungratful telling her no, especially since she buys us so much and lives so far.  But in situations surrounding a death, MIL need to understand that she has to take a backseat even for a moment.  I didn't even bother messaging her back the last time because I was completely losing it over the services I was about to attend, and responding to her was only going to frustrate me.  Yes, I know I sound ungrateful, but I need a moment to grieve. 

    Because it's your family that is involved, I think you should explain to MIL that right now is not exactly the time, and you and your family need to be with your family right now.  And she has no option but to understand.  If she were wearing different shoes she would expect you to be worried more about her family than visiting yours.  Just be honest, and tell her you, DH, and LOs need to be with your family.  Apologize, and hope that she understands.  But,, that is just my opnion. 

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  • Thanks for the encouragement, ladies.  I do have a lot of guilt because my brother's death has been kind of at the forefront of everything I've done for the last 4 months, and I know my MIL feels neglected because we've been putting my family first.  I struggle between feeling guilty for not making more of an effort to see her and feeling incredibly angry that she'd even ask.  It's nice to hear I'm not crazy though...  
    bishes be crazy
  • You should be with your family at that time.  My brother died in May 2008 of what we thought was a asthma attack, but when the toxicology it was an accidental overdose.  It was similar to loosing him again and really tough on everyone.  Let your mother in law know that you will see her when you see her, but this is not the time for reunions.  I hope your family gets the answers you are looking for and I will be thinking about you!!!
  • While I totally agree that she is being a stupidhead/selfish b!tch...

    Maybe your DH could visit with her and your kid while you spend some time dealing with things with your fam?

    (In a perfect world she would be asking if there is anything she can do to make this easier on you and not be so damn selfish)

    I am so sorry for your losses. I cannot imagine the stress and sadness this is for you and your family; it really sucks your MIL is lame.

  • I am so sorry for everything you are dealing with, especially while adjusting to having a little one as well.  I don't think you are being selfish either. I like the previous posters suggestion of having DH take your LO to see his mom without you. Otherwise, I don't know if you feel comfortable doing this with LO so young, but what about having MIL watch LO while you and DH work things out with your family.  It might be less stressful to deal with family stuff without having to care for LO, but I also understand why you might not be ready to do that yet. Otherwise, what about arranging a future trip with your MIL? Maybe setting a date where she knows you will be coming to see just her will appease her...or make arrangements for her to come visit you? Either way, it's too bad she is putting that pressure on you, it's the last thing you need, and I would do what is best for you to help you get through this is not wrong to put her feelings on the backburner right now, in my opinion. Good luck!
  • I would tell her first of all to grow the *&%^ up!! Your family needs you alot more than she needs to see you, and if anything maybe she should come to you while you are with your family adn let you be alone with your family during this horrible tragic time in your life!!! she is acting like a selfish litle child who needs to get hit with a HUGE reality check stick!! Good Luck!
  • imagePB&J1216:
    I don't mean to be rude but i would tell your mil to kiss you behind- stay with your family. You need them and they need you. If it were other circumstances I would say try and make time fr her but this is serious and scary and emotional! Sometimes I just dont get how people can be so selfish! I am extremely sorry to hear about your brother and your grandmother. You and your family are in my thought and prayers!

    I agree with PB&J on this one.

    Also, I am so so sorry for all of this tragedy going on in your life right now, you are in my thoughts and prayers

    Little E born 12.10.09 Little A born 04.19.12
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