Blended Families

Sticker shock

I think it was back over the summer that BM requested a review on the cs. The state of IA must be really slow, because we just got it back on Friday.

Let me start by saying it was last done when DH was a student (so only working part time) so we knew it would go up, we were okay with it going up. No need for the "it's his kid too" flames! Zip it! We we're just blown away when it showed an increase of 72%!!

With my lack of sleep, my emotions are haywire, and I lost it. There is no way we could pay our bills with an increase like that. I started crying to DH how I would never get to stay home with my daughter, even part time, because BM only works 3 hours a day. I feel bad now that I did that, but I just couldn't help it at the time.

We looked at it a little more closely, and BM is getting a credit or something (I don't remember know what they called it) for an additional dependant, we are not. DD was only 2 weeks old the day we got the letter, so it's not like they did it wrong, but it will need to be adjusted now. Also, they show that we are not providing health insurance, which we are. Nearly 25% of what they showed DH would now have to pay was for insurance. So it will still be going up like we knew it would. But not 72%. Whew!

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Re: Sticker shock

  • So you'll appeal it to have DD and insurance taken into consideration, right?  Do you have to pay the new amount until the appeal is heard?  Or does it say "this will go into effect unless we hear from you in writing within x days" blah blah blah?

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  • He has x number of days to appeal it...he's meeting with his lawyer tomorrow!
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  • Kind of lousy that he didn.t initiate child support going up when he stopped being a student and got a full time job. BM shouldn't have really had to do it.
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  • Yeah, I'm not so cool with parents who skimp on c/s.
    Stay at home mom to a house of boys: two amazing stepsons, 12 and 9, and our 4 year old.
  • DD's "father" was making roughly 35-40K/yr when we went for cs when DD was 2.  I finally took him back for an adjustment when she was 10 only to find out he was making 130+K/yr!!!!  He never thought about his daughter and her growing expenses!  The only reason I filed at the time was because he refused to help me buy her a couple outfits for school...I had enough.  His cs more than doubled when we went back to court.

    Not cool to skip out on the cs you should have been paying for a while now...not cool at all.

    And I will tell you what the Judge told the moron when he complained about what a "huge financial hit" this was.  "Look at it this way, you got away with paying a very low amount for a long time, now you have to make up for it."

    ETA: Just so you don't think I am just a greedy BM....the original cs amount was very, very, very low and it took into account he provided medical insurance for her, which he does not, i do.  And Unlike your BM I work a full time job.

  • Oh goodness, this post can easily turn into another CS arguement, not because of you HTerry, some of the responses you got. I won't get started on that. Good you guys are going to talk to your lawyer, a 72% increase does seem like a giant percentage! Yikes!
  • imagehterry85:
    He has x number of days to appeal it...he's meeting with his lawyer tomorrow!

    Glad to see this part, I was stressed FOR you! I hope it all works out well for you guys.

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  • I'm not even going to give my 2 cents on this one... you ladies know how I feel.

    Good luck to you HTerry.  Keep us posted and hang in there - don't give the extra worry all of your energy.  Just keep lovin' on that precious baby :)

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  • imagemom2one:
    Kind of lousy that he didn.t initiate child support going up when he stopped being a student and got a full time job. BM shouldn't have really had to do it.

     

    Sorry I couldnt let this go... I dont want people thinking that we "skimp" on CS.  

    I think that it is the CP's job to do this... If she wants to request an increase - absolutely.  But if she doesn't, then she seems to be happy with what she is getting... our BM hasnt requested an increase and frankly at almost $3000 for one child - that's tough shitt... Thats my thoughts.

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  • Okay, I have to ask, as I have been thinking about it all day. You mentioned that the child support went up by 72%, how much did your H's income go up by? It's all relevant to the situation, and honestly if his income went up by 25% and the CS went up by 72%, then okay, that blows. But if his income went up significantly, which it sounds like it did, shouldn't the CS also go up significantly. I do understand that the insurance does need to be taken into account, so I get the appeal there.
  • Is he earning 72% more money now that he is out of school and working full time? How long has he been working full time at this pay rate before the CS adjustment? Did he ever think it was unfair to his child to keep paying the lower CS when he was making more money? How can you really think this is such a shock? This is not the BMs fault it is your Hs fault for nottaking care of this sooner.

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  • Its good you're going to your attorney to get the adjustments made that need to be made as far as the credit for you having a dependent as well, but from what I saw during my Cousin's ordeal the credit really isn't that much money.

    I agree with PP that H should have contacted CS when his income went up to avoid a surprise increase. I've been on the end of the "Evil BM trying to get CS" DD's "dad" was only paying $166.00 a month and complained that was too high although he was AD Marine who had yet to let his company know he was divorced so he was still getting paid BAH.

    BM has a right to child support even if you may feel it is too high, the costs of taking care of a child vary as they grow up as their needs vary, this I know you know yourself. Are you sure BM only works 3 hours?

    Don't stress out too much the attorney will let you guys know your odds.

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  • imageJ+R:

    imagemom2one:
    Kind of lousy that he didn.t initiate child support going up when he stopped being a student and got a full time job. BM shouldn't have really had to do it.

     

    Sorry I couldnt let this go... I dont want people thinking that we "skimp" on CS.  

    I think that it is the CP's job to do this... If she wants to request an increase - absolutely.  But if she doesn't, then she seems to be happy with what she is getting... our BM hasnt requested an increase and frankly at almost $3000 for one child - that's tough shitt... Thats my thoughts.

     

    Yep-In TX anyway, the onus is on the CP to pursue any increase.

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  • It's absolutely revolting to me that your H thought it was a-ok to be paying CS in relation to his income as a student. If I were a judge- I think I would ask for a 72% increase... just to make up for all the time your H was quite frankly screwing over his own child.

    And you can't be a SAHM?  WAHHH!  How would you feel if you were in BM's shoes and were barely scraping by as you watched your ex and his new wife bring a new life into this world.  Your H's 1st kid has every right to that money.  If you wanted to be able to be a SAHM... you should've married a man who would make enough to do that.  Or you should've married a man who didn't have obligations to another kid.

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  • Okay really people. BOTH parties should advise CS if their income decreases but do custodial parents do that either???? Nope! That is just as revolting! What about when daycare expenses decrease? Are custodial parents advising CS? I know ours didn't.
  • riabiron, that is just as revolting and I'd say the same thing if the shoe was on the other foot.

    The onus might legally be on the CP to pursue an increase in child support but there is nothing legally barring a man from giving his ex money outside of the court ordered obligation. There is also nothing barring him from contacting an attorney himself and having his own assessment done to figure out where his child support obligation would stand.

    The problem with this post is that there seems to be an odd amount of outrage towards the BM for having the audacity to ask for a child support increase when her child's father actually has an income.

    The onus is not on the BM to decide whether her ex can afford another child before making the request to increase child support, nor it is upon her to consider whether the SM can SAH before doing so either.

    That's just plain unrealistic.



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  • imagehindsight's_a_biotch:

    The problem with this post is that there seems to be an odd amount of outrage towards the BM for having the audacity to ask for a child support increase when her child's father actually has an income.

    The onus is not on the BM to decide whether her ex can afford another child before making the request to increase child support, nor it is upon her to consider whether the SM can SAH before doing so either.

    That's just plain unrealistic.

    dingdingding

    And why has this been the repeat topic of the last week? Or really like two or three weeks?

  • imageimoan:
    How would you feel if you were in BM's shoes and were barely scraping by as you watched your ex and his new wife bring a new life into this world.

    Well if she's only working 3 hours a day, she can't be scraping by too badly. 

    "I
  • Where were all these comments when PlannedChaos posted about the deadbeat BM??????  Hmmmm......

  • imageFloF9:

    Where were all these comments when PlannedChaos posted about the deadbeat BM??????  Hmmmm......

    I am not sure what you are saying here, Flo. IMO, there is a difference between the two topics.

  • imageparis.inthe.spring:
    imageFloF9:

    Where were all these comments when PlannedChaos posted about the deadbeat BM??????  Hmmmm......

    I am not sure what you are saying here, Flo. IMO, there is a difference between the two topics.

    BP not paying child support at all vs. BP not paying child support according to his income.   They both suck.  Flo, my comments were there in support of PC, too.

    Stay at home mom to a house of boys: two amazing stepsons, 12 and 9, and our 4 year old.
  • They both do suck. That is for certain. But, you don' have control over how someone else behaves (ie the deadbeat mom), you do however have control over how you yourself behaves. KWIM?
  • If the CP isn't working as many hours as the other Non-CP and is perfectly capable to do so, I think it is unfair for the Non-CP to have to pay more. If both parents are capable then they should each be expected to contribute the same amount to the child.

    I would be kinda hot if our BM was only working 3 hours and I had to work full time to make sure we weren't on the streets.

     My husband has been out of work for over two years and we volunteered to keep the cs calculation on what he was making. We didn't have to, CSEA was going to base it on his unemployment. We knew BM couldn't afford to live if the cs went down that much. It was like a $400 a month difference.

    We did however request for deduction based on DD. We will do the same for the next baby. It is only fair that all DH's kids get support from thier father. In our state they make a small adjustment for other kids.

     Am I resentful that dollar for dollar SD gets more of DH's money? Yeah, sometimes. Sue me. I am human.

  • imageriabiron:

    If the CP isn't working as many hours as the other Non-CP and is perfectly capable to do so, I think it is unfair for the Non-CP to have to pay more. If both parents are capable then they should each be expected to contribute the same amount to the child.

    Absolutely agree 100%.  Why is my DH working full time, five-six days a week - PLUS - me working full time 5 days per week while BM gets to sit pretty at home with nothing to do? SD is almost 15... she is more than capable of getting a job.  But then again, why would she? She's getting $3000 a month... thats more than I make. 

    TOTALLY.NOT.FAIR.AT.ALL

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  • imageJ+R:
    imageriabiron:

    If the CP isn't working as many hours as the other Non-CP and is perfectly capable to do so, I think it is unfair for the Non-CP to have to pay more. If both parents are capable then they should each be expected to contribute the same amount to the child.

    Absolutely agree 100%.  Why is my DH working full time, five-six days a week - PLUS - me working full time 5 days per week while BM gets to sit pretty at home with nothing to do? SD is almost 15... she is more than capable of getting a job.  But then again, why would she? She's getting $3000 a month... thats more than I make. 

    TOTALLY.NOT.FAIR.AT.ALL

     

    Clarifying what I meant :) I didnt mean that SD is capable of getting a job!! I meant that BM can get a job. She doesnt need childcare, etc.  SD is more than capable of being home for a few hours while BM would be at work!

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  • I was trying to stay out of this one but I can't.  Your DH SHOULD have went and started the process of fixing the c/s himself.  I don't care who's responsibility it was.  He'd pay that regardless whether she made more money.  It isn't for her it is for their child. 

    Spermdonor pays very little in c/s, I'm sure he has had a raise in the 7 yrs since our divorce.  But DS is well cared for w/or w/out his money.  I don't want to deal w/him so haven't asked for an increase.  Spermdonor is supposed to pay 1/2 of the insurance (he pays for no copays, presc, or anything else) When DH and I got married, we were added to DH's ins. costing spermdonor $5 per month instead of $42.  I wrote him a little note about this and that is what he started paying.  (btw, the check for health ins is from his daddy not even him)  Obviously in the 6 years, health ins went up, he refuses to pay more.  (refusing even what the CO says he is supposed to pay)  sorry I got off on a tangent. 

  • imageriabiron:

    If the CP isn't working as many hours as the other Non-CP and is perfectly capable to do so, I think it is unfair for the Non-CP to have to pay more. If both parents are capable then they should each be expected to contribute the same amount to the child.

    I would be kinda hot if our BM was only working 3 hours and I had to work full time to make sure we weren't on the streets.

     My husband has been out of work for over two years and we volunteered to keep the cs calculation on what he was making. We didn't have to, CSEA was going to base it on his unemployment. We knew BM couldn't afford to live if the cs went down that much. It was like a $400 a month difference.

    We did however request for deduction based on DD. We will do the same for the next baby. It is only fair that all DH's kids get support from thier father. In our state they make a small adjustment for other kids.

     Am I resentful that dollar for dollar SD gets more of DH's money? Yeah, sometimes. Sue me. I am human.

    I get that it sucks when the CP is not working as much as they could. We have had that situation for the last six years. BM was working 9-15 hours per week, at minimum wage. H's CS was more than 3 times what she made in a month, plus the health insurance, the mortgage on the house she lives in, the taxes, HOA fees, and HOI on the house she lives in. I get that is sucksass. I really do. However, as unfair as it is, is it really fair to get CS decreased bc the NCP keeps having more kids?


  • yeee....I haven't read all the responses yet...I've been mia since I posted this....but just to clear up what I have read...BM knew when DHs job situation changed and at the time she said ss had all he needed. DH also told her many times if there WAS anything he needed (a coat, new shoes, whatever) we would get it. It wasn't until she got mad over the summer that she suddenly needed more. We weren't going to fight whtever the state came back as fair because uhh...it's fair. DH is paid hourly, so without looking at w2s I couldn't tell you what the exact change was, but I only wish it had been 72%!

    We just want it to be accurate...that's all!

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  • Paris - if the ncp is providing for all thier children then yes. Why should the rest suffer because the first has a CS order. It is the same as if two people who were still married had more kids. That isn't to say that there is a point where having more children in irresponsible, but all of the children should get a fair share.
  • imageriabiron:
    Paris - if the ncp is providing for all thier children then yes. Why should the rest suffer because the first has a CS order. It is the same as if two people who were still married had more kids. That isn't to say that there is a point where having more children in irresponsible, but all of the children should get a fair share.

    But it isn't the same as in a traditional family. It is a different dynamic, and a different type of obligation.  In a traditional family there are 2 adults who are making the decision as to whether or not more children will have a positive or negative impact on the family dynamic-and that includes financially. In a BF there are 2 separate entities-2 whole family units, and one does not get a say in that decision, that will inevitably have a large impact on all involved.

    I know this is not a topic that all participants on this board will ever agree on. But, IMO, one should not continue to have children if that means taking away from the ones who already exist, even in a non-BF situation.

  • imageriabiron:
    Okay really people. BOTH parties should advise CS if their income decreases but do custodial parents do that either???? Nope! That is just as revolting! What about when daycare expenses decrease? Are custodial parents advising CS? I know ours didn't.
    This. Exactly
  • paris - so what about when a woman mets a man and has a baby but  doesnt know until later that he had another child with a cs order. is it fair that baby gets less then the first kid? i am not talking about the responsibility of the parent but about what is fair to the kid. this is what happened to my sister. she will never see a dime because the first kid gets it. so according to you then the second child should be totally without support in stead if both kids getting some? its not fair to either that thier father is a db, definitely but denying one child any support is worse.

  • imageriabiron:

    paris - so what about when a woman mets a man and has a baby but  doesnt know until later that he had another child with a cs order. is it fair that baby gets less then the first kid? i am not talking about the responsibility of the parent but about what is fair to the kid. this is what happened to my sister. she will never see a dime because the first kid gets it. so according to you then the second child should be totally without support in stead if both kids getting some? its not fair to either that thier father is a db, definitely but denying one child any support is worse.

    No child should be denied support. However, I do judge a person who gets KU by someone and they know so little about them that they don't know that person has a child. That gets the Hmm from me. That, IMO is the chance you take when you do something like that, when you make that choice. You make the choice to get KU by someone the minute you sleep with them, no matter how many forms of BC you are using, it is always a possibility. One that people often don't think will happen to them, or they give absolutely zero thought at all to the potential outcome.

    To me it is comparable to the whole life to which one has become accustomed to in a divorce situation. Both parties (usually more so the female) is expected to be able to maintain some level of the lifestyle to which they have become accustomed. Now, that always brings up the discussion, is it her ex that is responsible for maintaining that or should she be responsible for maintaining that. However, with children, it is their parents without a doubt who are responsible for maintaining the life to which they have become accustomed. If the kid gets $X for CS every month, and having a second child will take away half of that (so things are equal) chances are that the life to which they have become accustomed is going to change dramatically, and they have ZERO control over that, and that is not fair. Chances are that child will notice a difference in it's life, whether it has to change schools bc CS went towards rent, or perhaps they just don't get to do the fun stuff anymore, they will be affected, and how do you explain that to a child. Oh, Daddy decided to get someone pregnant, so  you don't get to have fun anymore, or we have to move? How would that go over with your children?

  • What is fair?

    There is no fair when it comes to siblings. We all know this. All you can do is your best.

    And in the case riabiron mentioned, what's not fair is having kids with people when you don't know shiit about them. At some point, the parent(s) needs to accept that they made a dumb ass decision or five and accept the consequences of those decisions.



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  • you won't get any arguments from me that my sister was outrageously stupid to have sex with that man. :) She takes care of my niece and the donor has never even seen her. The only reason why she filed for support because the state made her in exchange for her getting health care for my niece. It really isn't an issue for her, but it hurts my heart for her.

    It isn't fair for the first kid in that scenario to get less, but it also isn't fair for the second to get nothing. Just as my sister took a chance by getting pregnant with the man, so did the mother of the first child and both mothers take the chance the man will have children with other women.

    You are right, one parent has no control over what the other parent does. If BM decided to have more kids, we would have to pay more child support. We would have no choice in the matter and would be lamblasted for whining about it. We choose not to live in fear of that. SD will always be taken care of, we will make sure of it but her siblings provide an immeasurable benefit to her.

  • imageriabiron:
    .

    You are right, one parent has no control over what the other parent does. If BM decided to have more kids, we would have to pay more child support. We would have no choice in the matter and would be lamblasted for whining about it. We choose not to live in fear of that. SD will always be taken care of, we will make sure of it but her siblings provide an immeasurable benefit to her.

    I don't see how your CS would go up if BM had more children with a man other than your H (and I would wager a million on that not happening Wink ). Now if that is the case in your state, than that blows a big fat one, and is certainly not fair to anyone involved. You should not be responsible for children the CP has that are of no connection to you. Ridiculousness, and I certainly would not blame you if you complained about it. And in that case, complaining should def. be directed at a completely moronic court system.

  • :)

    In Ohio, either parent get a deduction from thier income due to other children in thier home or that they support so yes, if BM got knocked up again our CS would go up. They see it as she would have less to contribute to SD because of the other kid.

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