Uneducated Wife and Mother

ali-1411 · February 2010

kind of a s/o of the marital roles below

I think everyone here would agree that education is important. Many of us are college-educated and left careers to become solely a wife and mother. Its great that we had that choice. Whether we remain in the Wife/Mother only role for the rest of our lives or return to a career...again, its our choice.

Do we applaud the same choice if a woman decides to skip the education? Say you have a young woman who decides to marry and have babies right out of high school. She never has a job, never gets any more school. All her life, she is only a wife and mother.

Let's say your daughter gets pregnant at 18. She wants to marry her boyfriend and keep the baby, and be a SAHM. She has no desire to go to college at all. All she wants is to be a wife and mom. Would you support her choice?

I'm really curious about the answers. Generally, I think that everyone should get an education whether they ultimately decide to have a career or be a SAHM. I think that young women should get an education before deciding to SAH. But maybe that's wrong, and I should support their decision? What do you think?

MAprincess · February 2010

Good discussion. I think an education is important even if you have no plans to work. The reasoning is that things change- the economy in the past few years is a good example. Some people have lost jobs and formerly SAHM's have had to go back to work to either fully support or help support the family financially. Also, you never know what is going to happen in a relationship and it is good to have something to fall back on. If it were my daughter, I'd encourage her to get the education regardless (even night classes or something). If she ever needed to work for some reason, a college education is key.

cfsinger · February 2010

Well I think I would have a biased opinion about this, but I just turned 21, got married at 19 and had DD at 20. I did go to a semester of community college, wasn't focused enough, dropped out, met DH, got a full time job as an office manager, worked there until DD was born. I think it depends on the situation. My parents never pushed me towards college, where as with DD, she will be highly influenced (pushed) that she will go to college. But if she has a stable relationship with her SO and he is able to support them, I would hope she could make the decision that is right for her. also, I am taking online classes and by the time DD is ready for school (or a second DC if we have one) I will be a teacher.

newlywed26 · February 2010

IMO education and some work experience is important whether the woman choose to sah or work. First of all, if you're educated, chances are your lo's will be motivated to be as well. Secondly, you just never know what can happen. If your dream was always to be a sah(w)(m), and you're uneducated, this is all that the person knows. What if their dh just decided to up and leave? It happens. What if dh lost his job, what then? It is not only the smart thing to do, but imo necessary. Though I'm college educated, I plan on pursuing another degree after dd is old enough for preschool.

Nov5Mrs. · February 2010

Ultimately it's her choice nad I'll support her no matter what, but when she's young and still making choices and asking for advice, I'm going to strongly encourage her to get at least a four year degree, and work for a few years before getting married and having kids. I feel this is the most ideal path for several reasons in no particular order of importance: 1) College is hard and stressful and is likely easier when you don't also have a family to focus on later in life should she choose to go back. 2) Life requires you to have certain critical thinking skills that college can prepare you for (health care, parenting, finances, etc. 3) In todays world you really need to have a bachelors to compete in the working world- what would happen if she got divorced, husband died, lost his job or could not support the family finacially? 4) Going to college matures you and forces you to make some real-life decisions about finances, relationships, etc and the more you can mature IMO, the more likely you will be to choose a partner in marriage who is good for you because you'll know yourself and you'll know what you want in a marriage and therefore your marriage is more likely to be successful. 5) I don't think it's fair to ask one person in a marriage to carry the burdon of worrying about finances- even if only one person works, the other should be knowledgeable about bills and goals so that you can lean on each-other for support and advice. The best way to gain experience in finacial matters is to work a few years and be responsible for your own. If you make some mistakes along the way, at least its just you who's hurt and not the whole family later on.

ali-1411 · February 2010

cfsinger:
Well I think I would have a biased opinion about this, but I just turned 21, got married at 19 and had DD at 20. I did go to a semester of community college, wasn't focused enough, dropped out, met DH, got a full time job as an office manager, worked there until DD was born. I think it depends on the situation. My parents never pushed me towards college, where as with DD, she will be highly influenced (pushed) that she will go to college. But if she has a stable relationship with her SO and he is able to support them, I would hope she could make the decision that is right for her. also, I am taking online classes and by the time DD is ready for school (or a second DC if we have one) I will be a teacher.

I'm biased on this, too, I think. I got pregnant at 19. My parents were very supportive on college and I continued with my education as a single mom. I graduated when my son was 3 years old.

When I got pregnant, I wanted to take a break from school and get a job to support my baby. Looking back, I'm so glad my parents pushed me to finish school, and that they were able to support us while I did so.

susanmosley · February 2010

I agree with pp, great discussion topic.

I think education is SO important. i think the process of getting my masters degree changed me quite a bit. I would not be who I am without those two years of experience. I can say the same for my bachelors, but not to the same extent.

Okay, this may not be PC to say or something, but I think that all people - women and men - should be able to live alone and support themselves entirely before committing to a joint relationship where the roles change.

So, for a person to be able to do that, they either have to have an education to get a job or a strong vocational skill to get a job, in most cases.

It's early and I haven't had coffee. I am not getting everything out like I would like. Maybe I will try again later. looking forward to reading responses

And I can't emphasize how much I value education.

Mj2lyons4 · February 2010

MAprincess:
Good discussion. I think an education is important even if you have no plans to work. The reasoning is that things change- the economy in the past few years is a good example. Some people have lost jobs and formerly SAHM's have had to go back to work to either fully support or help support the family financially. Also, you never know what is going to happen in a relationship and it is good to have something to fall back on. If it were my daughter, I'd encourage her to get the education regardless (even night classes or something). If she ever needed to work for some reason, a college education is key.

I agree, I think that it is important to have a back up plan. Things do not always (or rarely) go exactly as we plan so it is good to be prepared. Even if the woman just goes to night class to obtain an education gradually or gets a very part time job with room for advancement if need be. I think a woman needs to be prepared and able to take care of herself and children if need be.

detroitblondie · February 2010

If my daughter was thinking to chose to get pregnant at 18 I would not be supportive- not because of her choice to bypass college but because I think it is so important that she take the time to "find" herself first. I would of course encourage her to go to at least a community college to get her associate's degree out of the way- since at 18 there really isn't much else to do anyhow. Then she could take a few years off to really explore life on her own and find what she's really interested in and passionate about- maybe higher education, maybe not.

jen5-03 · February 2010

It seems like the choice is education or being a SAHM now, but without an education, her choices later will be much more limited. I don't think that education is ever wasted.

If my DD got pg at 18 I would be more supportive of her keeping the baby than I would of her getting married. And I would still want her to get an education. However, if she was not pg and wanted to get married I would try to stop her.

detroitblondie · February 2010

After reading the different responses I don't think there is one "right" answer- I guess as long as everything turns out OK then that's all that really matters- and a degree certainly doesn't guarantee that it will. In my opinion, the real blessing is that right now we are 100% available to our families- degree or no degree- and that we are content in our feeling that we have made the best possible decision.

HarrietNJMommy · February 2010

I don't care what your decision is, but I really think that everyone needs to have "marketable" skills. Doesn't mean that everyone needs to go to college to get such skills, but you can go to trade school.

I want all my kids to go to college. That's a requirement for me and for DH. What they choose to do with their degree is their business, but they NEED to go.

What happens if at the age of 25, your daughter's DH leaves her or dies, and she's left with a bunch of kids and no real way to make ends meet? That's what I worry about the most in a situation that you describe.

Chrisy-Wyobride · February 2010

I would support her decision if she really feels that way & be there & supportive later if she decides to go to school when the kids are older. I have a Master's degree & profession...but I have aspirations of going back to work. I spent over $125K for my education (college & grad school)--if I never wanted to work again I would consider that money a waste (especially the $40K that we are still paying off)--when I could have picked up a fall back career (nurse, realtor, etc) for much, much cheaper. My kids will be expected to go to college...especially since DH & I both have advanced degrees & everyone in my family is a college graduate. But like I say, if she felt called to/chose a great man & family--I'd support her because turning my back I don't think helps. There are a lot of careers that are pretty great that don't require college--plumber, electrician, etc. I think just going to college for everyone is making college degrees less valuable. I think the kid should pursue something they have passion for & are good at...be that being a homemaker, baker, teacher or Doctor.

safy · February 2010

HarrietNJMommy:
I don't care what your decision is, but I really think that everyone needs to have "marketable" skills. Doesn't mean that everyone needs to go to college to get such skills, but you can go to trade school.

I agree.

I value education and see it as a necessity to survive in our world, but I also understand that higher education isn't something that can be forced. College will be and is highly emphasized around our household, but ultimately, it will be their decision and I'll be supportive.

I think it's important to teach my children survival skills from how to do their own laundry and cooking a meal to sending them out in the world with enough education to land on their own 2 feet during tough times.

jennylynne_01 · February 2010

This IS a really good question. DH and I talk about this all the time. I am college educated, worked very hard towards my degree and also had a very well paying job when I chose to SAH. I do think it is important to have some education and the experience life gives you while doing so. That being said, I also think that it is very important to be a teenager and young adult first before settling down and having a family. I have a lot of friends who had children right out of high school or while they were in high school and say it was very difficult for them. I think it's good to have a career to fall back on because you never know what curveballs life throws at you and you should be prepared. BUT I say this all the time to DH, I want my daughter to just be happy in life. And if that means that she chooses to raise a family, then I just hope she has a supportive and loving husband to do it with. Sorry so long!

tabi_ja · February 2010

I just want my children to have the ability to get a job, should they need one. In many cases, this requires an education, but not always. Should Miles decide to be a SAH dad, I will support that, but I will encourage him to develop some marketable skills, somehow, just in case. The mom of one of my high school friends had no education, no work experience, no skills. She was a SAHM, and thought them unnecessary. Then, her husband died, leaving her with no income and two children to raise. She struggled for a long time. I don't want my child to go through that, regardless of gender or education level.

jenifairies · February 2010

I would support her choices, but I would also encourage her to do *something* for herself, whether it's college or vo-tech or whatever. I didn't finish college the first time I started. A year or so later, I went to a business college and got an associate degree because I knew I needed a skill. I worked for a couple years, then stopped right before we got married (DD was conceived a couple months later). Right now I'm firmly in SAH mode and don't know if I'll ever go back to work. And yet I'm going to school.

Even if all you plan to do in life is SAH, education never hurts anyone. And sh!t happens. Divorce, death, loss of income. I also think that being better educated and a more well-rounded person makes you better prepared for the job of Mom.

babypuplove · February 2010

I agree that education and life experiences are extremely important. I also agree with the pp (susanmosley, i think), who said men and women should be able to support themselves entirely before settling down to a committed relationship as a SAHP.

It's fine if your ultimate goal in life is to be a SAHM, but you definitely can't count on that happening. Also, having interests as a kid/teenager/young adult helps shape you into who you are. If you are that into kids/homemaking, then maybe going to college to be a home ec. teacher or a preschool director would be the way to go. :-) Just sitting around waiting for a guy to sweep you off your feet, get you pregnant, and have enough stability in his life to support you and your kids is immature and silly.

I'm not a big advocate of teenagers having babies, but realize it does happen. It's great that your parents supported you and encouraged you to finish college. I really can't imagine having given up the seven years of undergrad and grad school I went through, along with the life experiences I gained along the way (living away from home on my own, being responsible for my own time and study schedule, dating a few guys, working as a server and nanny to pay rent, meeting all kinds of new people, etc).

I will encourage my children to go to college, or at least pursue some sort of passion (art, music, etc). I would not be okay with my children getting married and having babies before growing up, and part of growing up involves higher education and living outside of the parents' home for at least a few years. To me, 18 year old kids are not adults. If one of my children ended up in a situation like you did, I would do what your parents did, and help them out and encourage them to stay in school. Kids make mistakes, and as a parent, I want to be there to help guide them in the right direction.

April37 · February 2010

MAprincess:
Good discussion. I think an education is important even if you have no plans to work. The reasoning is that things change- the economy in the past few years is a good example. Some people have lost jobs and formerly SAHM's have had to go back to work to either fully support or help support the family financially. Also, you never know what is going to happen in a relationship and it is good to have something to fall back on. If it were my daughter, I'd encourage her to get the education regardless (even night classes or something). If she ever needed to work for some reason, a college education is key.

I agree 100%.

In addition, I agree a pp who talked about how going to college helps to mature you in addition to learning valubale skills. College gave me critical thinking skills that prepared me to make tough real-life decisions. I also agree that people should live alone and support themselves before living with someone else. That was one of the best things I did for myself. Now I know I CAN do it if I ever need to in the future.

That said, college is not for everyone. In that case, I would still urge someone to at least go to a tech or vocational school.

LuckySunshineBaby · February 2010

This is a great discussion. I only ever REALLY wanted to be a SAHM. I wanted to be a Mom my whole life. I would love to stay at home forever. I would love to be able to stay at home, volunteer at my children's schools, church and community.

I have a BA in education. Due to financial reasons, I will return to work when my next (and last) child is school aged. Prior to having kids, that thought depressed me. Now I think I can find the balance. I may sub (better fit for us) but I think I *want* to work outside the home for a few years. One of the financial reasons is that I have federal student loans that will need to be paid off and so that we can save for out child(rens) education.

Here's my hang up about skipping the whole secondary education thing: You need a back-up plan. My sister got married at 18. My parents made her get a certificate in something. She wasn't college bound (no desire, not a strong student) but they required to leave school with something, job specific.

So, if my 18 year old turns up pregnant, wants to stay at home with her child, marry her child's father who can support that dream, great. However, I would think it would be foolish to not get a back up plan in place. What is something tragic happens in her life to her spouse and she is left to support her child? You MUST be able to put food on the table, clothes on their back and roof over their head if your their Mother. So, if you can do all that with out school (some type of financial security from other means?), great. If not, you're going to school and getting your degree in SOMETHING.

So many jobs now require a degree. Even if it's not remotely related to the field, you need a 4 year degree to be eligible to be a manager at Target. Friends of mine who have worked in retail for 15+ years and overseen markets exceeding 30 million dollars can't get an entry level managers job at Target due to their lack of a BA. So, I would say it's imperative to have a degree, even if it's only as a back up plan.

bim38106 · February 2010

babypuplove:
I agree that education and life experiences are extremely important. I also agree with the pp (susanmosley, i think), who said men and women should be able to support themselves entirely before settling down to a committed relationship as a SAHP.
It's fine if your ultimate goal in life is to be a SAHM, but you definitely can't count on that happening. Also, having interests as a kid/teenager/young adult helps shape you into who you are. If you are that into kids/homemaking, then maybe going to college to be a home ec. teacher or a preschool director would be the way to go. :-) Just sitting around waiting for a guy to sweep you off your feet, get you pregnant, and have enough stability in his life to support you and your kids is immature and silly.
I'm not a big advocate of teenagers having babies, but realize it does happen. It's great that your parents supported you and encouraged you to finish college. I really can't imagine having given up the seven years of undergrad and grad school I went through, along with the life experiences I gained along the way (living away from home on my own, being responsible for my own time and study schedule, dating a few guys, working as a server and nanny to pay rent, meeting all kinds of new people, etc).
I will encourage my children to go to college, or at least pursue some sort of passion (art, music, etc). I would not be okay with my children getting married and having babies before growing up, and part of growing up involves higher education and living outside of the parents' home for at least a few years. To me, 18 year old kids are not adults. If one of my children ended up in a situation like you did, I would do what your parents did, and help them out and encourage them to stay in school. Kids make mistakes, and as a parent, I want to be there to help guide them in the right direction.

This is very well said and EXACTLY my thought.

I think the experience is very important and I want that for my girls.

sparky88 · February 2010

ali-1411:

Do we applaud the same choice if a woman decides to skip the education? Say you have a young woman who decides to marry and have babies right out of high school. She never has a job, never gets any more school. All her life, she is only a wife and mother.

Yes, I would applaud her. That is the description of my grandmother. I know her husband, 4 children, and 10 grandchildren all applaud her, too. Being a mom (everything that comes with it) is a very real, very demanding job that takes commitment, patience, creativity, common sense, compassion, fast/witty thinking, flexibility, and emotional/physical strength. It commands respect, IMO-- and I didn't truly realize how much I believe that until I went through pregnancy & childbirth & the baby days myself.

Let's say your daughter gets pregnant at 18. She wants to marry her boyfriend and keep the baby, and be a SAHM. She has no desire to go to college at all. All she wants is to be a wife and mom. Would you support her choice?

YES. I would trust that my daughter can make her own decisions at that point. You can drag through life asking what-ifs or just dive in when you feel lead in a certain direction. I hope that my daughter always follows her heart because no matter how many mistakes she makes in life she will always learn something and have no regrets. My favorite quote, "life is not a dress rehearsal".

I might be in the minority here when I say that I don't believe it takes a bachelor's or advanced degree to be an excellent wife/mother. It takes emotional intelligence, character, endless love, and commitment to something bigger than yourself.

I went the college-marriage-work-baby route, personally. And while I wouldn't change it for MYSELF I would certainly support someone who made a different choice if it meant following their dreams.

sparky88 · February 2010

Oppsy, messed up the quotes. Sorry!

Temp174496125006552 · February 2010

I didn't go to college. I am the oldest of 5 kids and my parents just didn't have the money to send me. I talked to my counselor about scholarships/aid, but he said that my parents made too much money. I told him that they had 4 other siblings that they were supporting and he said that didn't matter. That squashed my ideas of getting a college education.

So, I got a full time job after HS and worked. I then became pregnant at 19 and a single mom at 20. Was it the ideal situation at the time? No. Would I change a single thing? Absolutely not. I love my daughter with all my heart and, as cliche as this may sound, she helped me become the person that I am today. She has become a strong, passionate, intelligent young woman and I like to think that I was a big part of her becoming the great kid that she is. For as hard (and lonely) as it was at times to do it without a spouse, I honestly wouldn't do a single thing differently.

Now, do I want her to get pregnant at a young age and have to struggle (financially, mentally, emotionally, etc.) like I did? No. I want her to go to college (which she is, in a year and a half), have a career, get married and have a family of her own some day, if that's what she wants. But if it happened and she faced motherhood sooner than expected, I would support her 100%. That's what you do for your children. I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for the support of my mom and the rest of my family. I may not have a piece of paper that says that I went to school for 4 years, but I consider myself a fairly intelligent person and I've made a good home/life for my children...which to me, is all that really matters.

mandymack · February 2010

I know I can always count on you, Ali for thought-provoking posts... LOVE this one!

I've read all the replies and it's so great & interesting that regardless of your own personal experience with school and having children, we all seem to want the same thing: the very best for our kids!

And that means different things to different parents, depending on lots of factors but for me, it means for her to be the most well-rounded, respectful, responsible person she can be and part of that FOR ME means living on her own and supporting herself, going to College/TradeSchool/Art Institute and being confident in herself as an adult.

For me, ideally, I want Emily to study abroad for a few years after High School and then go to college. I really want her to experience the world, grow up a bit, struggle out there, semi-alone and support herself (with our help), learn how to manage money and pay bills and be responsible for her actions. I want her to develop her talents and nurture her passions and then, get a degree in something she is truly passionate about, regardless of it's potential for her to become gainfully employed.

I want her to go to school for as long as she wants to and needs to and then, graduate and get a job and get herself out there fully in the REAL world, without the safety of mom & dad's help. I hope she will meet Prince Charming and get married and have babies and live happily ever after!

Like I said, ideally. Should none of my dreams for her come true I will support her 100%, even in the choices that are not things I agree with nor want for her because I love her and want to be part of her life. We've all been teenagers and I think we would all agree that the harder our parents push us the harder we push back in the other direction; once she becomes an adult, I feel it's my job to step back and let her make her own mistakes so that she can learn from them and grow up firmly on her own two feet... and because it's not like anything I say or do will change her mind. I feel this way because this is how I was raised and have the most amazing relationship with my mother... I can only hope to provide the same for my daughter!

lms_bride · February 2010

I think education is important but I also think not everyone is cut out for a 4-year university, contrary to what many people insist. I think some people are more cut out for trade schools, or cosmetology school, or going out on their own and doing their own business or being a SAHM or whatever. That being said, there is an inherent risk in not having a bachelor's degree because typically it opens more doors for the person and allows them to make more money over their lifetime.

My mom had me when she was 17. Neither of my parents went to college. While it was not ideal, it worked out and they both make pretty good money and have had steady jobs all of their lives. I don't think they would have recommended I go down that path (and I didn't, I have a BS and got married when I was 29) but I think it can work for some.

EnglishMajor03 · February 2010

Though I would support her (as I would in anything she decides to do) I wouldn't agree with the decision. It would scare me to think that she wouldn't have anything to fall back on in case things don't work out with her plan.

A friend of mine got married to a girl he got pg in college. She proclaimed that the only reason she went to college was to find a H and she was more than happy (after hs) to get pg and find a H...but her parents made her go to college. She comes from a wealthy family so she'll be safe if it didn't work out, but that's not true of everyone. I think there's real danger in not even attempting to try to set yourself up to be able to be independent.

HarrietNJMommy · February 2010

lms_bride:

My mom had me when she was 17. Neither of my parents went to college. While it was not ideal, it worked out and they both make pretty good money and have had steady jobs all of their lives. I don't think they would have recommended I go down that path (and I didn't, I have a BS and got married when I was 29) but I think it can work for some.

I don't think it's that easy in this day and age. My parents didn't even go to H.S. yet my dad made a 6-figure salary. They did well for themselves. I just don't think that the same holds true today, unfortunately.

Emily_Ann · February 2010

I plan to tell my kids the same thing my parents told me - they have to get some sort of higher education after high school. Whether it's a university, community college, trade school, whatever. You need a back up plan.

If they ask why, I'll tell them to talk to my bff. We graduated college together. She got married last November, and is expecting a baby in May. Her husband died in December. It was completely unexpected. She had planned to be a SAHM for at least the first year. Thankfully she is an RN and will have the means to provide for her daughter. Moral of the story - God's plans aren't always our plans. Be prepared.

I got married when I was in college, pregnant the semester I graduated, and am now a WAHM. Love it. We can easily make it without my income, but I like having the extra spending money. I am glad I went to college. It was a great experience, but more importantly, I know I could support my family if something were to happen to my husband.

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