want to vent... — The Bump
Preemies

want to vent...

So sorry about this vent...you don't have to read it, but I know that preemie moms will be the only ones who understand my frustration.

I hate that I've already spent 2 months on bed rest and now I will only have about 4 weeks with DD at home. I also hate that I have to spend 3 hours commuting back and forth from work to the hospital to feed DD or else she won't be able to come home because we have to graduate in the feeding category. I am so exhausted of having to answer the question...so have they given you a date of when she'll be coming home? OR She's not home yet, how long has it been now? Seriously people...she'll come home when she's ready. Which means, no more periodic breathing and feeding like a normal baby. I wish I could just spend the whole day at the hospital. I feel like work is a waste of my time. I hate that almost every time I walk into the hospital their wheeling a new mother out with her baby in their car seat. I hate going to church and seeing all the girls who were pregnant and due around the same time as me still pregnant and not due for at least another month. And I hate that I don't even want to be around my bro-in-law and sis-in-law and their baby...I don't even want to look or hold their baby. AND I especially hate those who have had normal pregnancies and births and complain about them. But most of all, we were planning on having more kids and having them pretty close together, but now I am terrified of getting pregnant again. I just do not want to go through this experience again. I am completely happy and content with my one beautiful daughter.

I'm sure I will get over all of these fears, hates, and inadequacies but right now I am just having a hard time. It's not fair, but I guess life is not fair.

I am getting my degree in counseling and attended a group session today with students who struggle in school. They've all be dealt rough lives. I learned something from them today...you can't choose the cards your dealt, but you can choose how you play them. I'm going to try this philosophy and see if it helps. 

Re: want to vent...

  • HUGS! I am SO sorry  :(  Wish I could say more but really there is nothing I can say that will help because I have been there and it sucks. HUGS!
    Abigail Noelle, 8.29.09
    Brady Phoenix, 8.29.09
    Claire Zoe, 10.26.10

  • As a fellow counselor- we are good to help others but sometimes we don't follow our own advice to help ourselves.

    Don't be afraid to take some time for yourself. You are going through a lot right now, don't feel bad for one second about your feelings. They are what they are. *hugs* this will get better.

    As far as work is concerned, is there any way you could postpone going back to work? Or take some time off from the classes?

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  • I'm really sorry and can identify with everything you're saying.

    As for eventually getting over it- no.. you might not. Robbie's 21 months old and I still struggle with some of it. I still hate that I'm scared of getting pregnant again, that Robbie still struggles because of everything he's been through.. I still cringe when people complain about their pregnancies.. you get the idea. 

    This experience changes you.. there's no way around that. A lot of the changes are bad, but some are good. Right now you're still in the thick of it.. it's hard to see the good.. but eventually, you'll get there. That doesn't mean the bad won't still suck, though. And you're completely entitled to those feelings. 

     

  • I'm so sorry :-(  I totally could have written most of this post about a year ago.  It is hard and not fair...and some of it does get better and some of it doesn't (or at least not yet).  Big hugs to you.
  • ((HUGS)))
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    Andrew Ryan - born at 26w2d, 2 lb 3 oz, Dec 2008 Elliott William - born at 35w4d, 7 lb 1 oz, May 2011
  • I'm sorry this is a hard time for you. Try not to think too much about future decisions like additional kids/pregnancies. Focus on doing what you can for your DD and try to have some relaxation time at home. You're doing a lot and it's really hard to have work on top of NICU stress. GL!
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