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3rd Trimester
nbr: fight with dh [vent..long]
this is really lame. ive already talked to friends, but its hard to give neutral when people are influenced by friendship or prior knowledge i guess. so, tell me if im being unfair??
dh (actually df) and i had a huge fight a couple days ago. he was upset that a few nights ago he and i were texting, just bs-ing while i was home, he was on a break between work meetings. my mom came over to bring me dinner and help me pack (today is my moving day). i got distracted eating, packing, visiting.. etc. and was away from my phone. when i looked at my phone later i saw he had sent a few messages "where'd you go" "you ok".. and of the sort. i responded, oh sorry mom came over to bring food.. blah blah blah. then he says ok, i'll talk to you later. and never heard back.
the next day he tells me hey, can you stop ignoring me when youre around your mom? [mind you, my mom and i are besties and my whole family is SUPER close - and he has known this for our whole relationship]. i was baffled and said he was being a little ridiculous and that i wasnt intentionally ignoring him. so he got mad saying he didnt appreciate being called "ridiculous". OMG.. high school?? he's THIRTY FIVE years old!!!!
anyway.. fast forward through a stupid conversation about how he always feels unimportant when im with my mom.. etc. i ended up walking out.. he chased me down and yelled after me, "why dont you just go live with your mom!!!!" 2 days before im supposed to move in with him and have already terminated the lease on my apartment...
Oh.. and Im due in a few weeks? we havent talked since tuesday when this happened. he's SO jealous and unaccepting of my relationship with my mom.. it makes me really sad because i dont get why it's a competition??? they fill 2 totally separate roles. it's not like im off hanging out with another man.. i mean, i was sitting at home eating spaghetti with my mom - and h was working. sooo, i fail to see the problem?? i told him he cant fill the role of my mom or my family, so stop trying. and vice versa, they cant fill his role!
seriously. anyone every had dh/df express jealousy of your mom or family?? now im stuck, movers have already come to take my stuff to storage. i am planning on staying with (gasp!) my mom for a couple days til he and i have some resolution. im at a loss..
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Re: nbr: fight with dh [vent..long]
I think you need to keep in mind that you're 38 weeks pregnant, and your fi couldn't get ahold of you. Imagine what was racing through his mind, it could cause anyone to act a little irrational.
Obviously it snowballed, so I would just take a deep breath, step back, and let him know it was not intentional and you'll be more considerate of responding no matter who you are with.
my girlfriend used the same word, insecure. sometimes i think its because he has no family, no super close friends - his kids from prev marriage (he has full custody of his 2) and myself and my son are all he has. but still.. that doesnt change the fact that i DO have family and friends and enjoy the things they give me in life.. it sounds so stupid when i write it out. ive tried so much to explain this to him.. i never knew it was such an extreme thing til this fight
I think that, instead of going to stay with your Mom, you and DF address this situtation like adults. Call him and tell him that you want to talk about this tonight and go over to your "new" place with take-out and sit down and talk.
Running to your Mom's is only going to exacerbate the issue that you spend more time/whatever with your Mom.
good luck!
I have a feeling that the real issue isn't with your mom. Fights like this tend to actually be about something unrelated.
He may just be feeling a little left out of the whole process of pregnancy and is just lashing out at you. Your mom understands exactly what you're going through, because she's been through it so he might be jealous of her in that way.
I am going to totally play devil's advocate here- maybe DH has felt like this for a long time and it just finally came out now. You mentioned he has said things in the past, but only as a joke. Maybe there was some truth to those jokes?
He may feel like you drop everything, including him, when it comes to your mom. My DH actually had the same feelings... we never fought about it, but he did tell me that he doesn't like that I act differently when I am with my mom. My mom is my bestie too, and I am super close to my fam, so I know where you are coming from. But DH has to come first, he is your family and you should be each other's main priority (along with soon to be LO).
I am not saying don't ever talk to your fam ever again. Just saying that you need to be mindful of DH's feelings with regard to this... he shouldn't feel like you put him second. You may not feel like you do, but even you said you were texting him and completely forgot to reply when your mom showed up.
I'm not saying he's not being a little immature, either... but I think you've both had a few days to calm down, you need to now sit down together and talk about this. GL!
you are also right.. i just feel like i have communicated to him that i do not intentionally ignore anyone's calls/texts. im just not glued to my phone 24/7. he just insists that it's only when im with my mom that i dont respond to him. thanks for the level headed reply - the neutral perspective i need to be reminded of
from someone who is also BFFs with mom.. thank you - everything you said makes sense.
Agreed. It sounds like he has a valid point, honestly. You and your mom are besties? That's great, but it sounds like you do ignore him completely.
youre probably SUPER right.. im just scared of the tension
(
I agree. I also think you should be careful not to mock his feelings. Just as he shouldn't yours. They are his feelings, and while you may not have intended for him to feel that way, you need to address why he does, how that makes you feel and how you two can solve it for the future.
Remember, you two are a team in this adventure called parenting. You need to find a way to work together.
I can't quite decide exactly what to say. But I see things from both sides.
When DH and I were engaged I used to feel left out when DH hung out with his cousin. They both reverted right back to being 8yrs old, laughing at potty humor and guy stuff. On multiple occasions we had the 'missing phone messages' deal and whatnot. I got frustrated and felt left out and lonely and feel like I can relate to your DF.
Now also, I can see your side too. You were just talking with your mom, and I am super duper close to my mom too and we just get in our chatting zone and no one can keep up with our convos. So I see how it is no big deal, why should your DF be bothered by it?
But now, I feel that I have changed. Maybe I just grew up? but it doesn't bother me anymore. i don't feel left out. I feel like I acted like I was insecure....but never directly felt like I was at risk to lose DH. I really don't know what it was that I was feeling to cause me to act that way and to feel so left out? Maybe once you and DF get married you both we grow together?? That is what I think finally happened with me
you are right.. this is probably the best choice. i just HATE tension. and between the 2 of us, we have 4,5,6 year old kids ( 1 mine, 2 his) and i feel like i will have to paste on the happy face and act like nothing is wrong and i just want to cry!
thats a hopeful story.. thank you. it helps when someone has been on the opposite end. i have never known any different than to be mega close with my mom, and i also never feel jealous or envious of f's relationships, granted he doesnt have really any super close ones. but even if he did, i would respect that. i like your happy ending though - im hopeful.
See, I don't see it as a problem with HIM. Granted, he seems to have handled it in a poor way, but I think you should try to look at it from his side:
1) It wouldn't have taken but a second to text him and say "Hey my mom just got here with dinner, I'll text you back in a few" so that he didn't get worried or feel ignored. I mean, you wouldn't have just laid the phone down if you were talking directly to him without first explaining what was up right? Text is the same thing. You were in the middle of a convo, and he probably felt worried when you didn't respond.
2) You admit you and your mom are "besties" and say a lot in your OP about how close you are. Not a problem, but I'm sure he's felt in the past that you put her before him and it's probably hurtful.
I don't think he needs counseling or that he's controlling or insecure (as some posters have suggested) I think he's expressing an emotion to you (albeit in a poor way--by yelling) and you're missing it completely. He's feeling unimportant to you.....and then you called him ridiculous, which made him feel even MORE invalidated. Instead of just saying "I'm sorry I must've had you worried." and leaving it at that, you essentially told him his feelings didn't matter to you.
I too hate tension, so I know how you feel. But, redprincess is right - you're a team here!
I'm not validating either of your feelings - neither of you are wrong or right; you both can't help how you feel, but you can address it together and figure out a resolution together. Please don;t run to Mom's - it really will just make things worse (he will see it that you're ignoring him again).
I agree. Sometimes joking is a way of trying to tell you something without being confrontational. It may seem immature that he is jealous of your relationship with your mom, but if he is feeling that you are ignoring him, or chosing your mom over him, then you have to respectfully address his feelings. Walking out of an argument does not help, and going to stay with your mom is definately going to make things worse. I am not saying that you should cut your mom out, but truly listen to his feelings and try to come up with some sort of compromise on the subject.
I know that DH and I have had things that have bothered us that the other person may have not agreed with, but we agreed to not dismiss each others feelings and have been able to talk about it and work through it. I hope that you guys are able to do the same.
Is it new for him to take it to this level? If so, he may be experiancing some anxiety over the baby's arrival. No matter how thrilled men can be over becoming a dad it's still a very scary thing for them. FWIW I would awknowledge his feelings and keep reminding him how much you need him right now to step up and act like a father and a partner for you. Remind him that your mom will always be a huge part of your life but (as it seems you've already told him) she can not fill his role ever.
Also, he needs to remember that you are going though a huge transision as well and this is not the time for him to freak out. He needs to step up for you and in turn try to be understanding of how he feels when you two talk. He may not be great at expressing himself, (a lot men aren't) but the underlying message is that he needs you to need him so remind him of that. GL!
With this individual instance, I would say he over reacted a bit. You could have been a little more considerate and texted him right away that your mom came over for dinner and you'd talk to him later. But, overall I understand how you got distracted and he should to.
But I guess it depends on how you treat him when both he and your mother are around. If he fades to the background when you mom shows up then this instance might be the last straw for him. However, if this is just a case of him being jealous that you are close with your family it might be a red flag of bigger issues.
Good Luck!
Heather