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3rd Trimester
"Abandonment" DH leaves me stranded - Vent(long)
Hi there,
I see that women sometimes vent on here and tonight, I could definitely use it if you are willing to listen. My husband and I were married in August 2009 after 2 years of dating. 28 days later we were thrilled to find out we conceived our first child the week after our wedding. We were planning to try right away but figured it would take at least a few months...not a few days!
Needless to say a lot changed for us very quickly. My husband is a therapist for children with autism and has been for 10 years. He works two jobs about 15 hrs every day for a decent income but not nearly what he should be earning for the amount of hours he puts in and the experience he has. But in this economy, we are happy he has employment as our state's unemployment rate is over 12% and I believe is either 1st or 2nd worst in the whole country.
Because of his work situation, DH has been really depressed the last year or so. I have attempted to persuade him to get into therapy. He has refused. He has a natural distrust of anything medical and is kind of a purist. He doesnt even take tylenol or advil for a headache. He believes in holistic medicine and that sort of thing. So at first, I assumed it was that.
Throughout my pregnancy he has never shown an interest in going with me to the midwife for my appointment, taking an infant basics class or birthing class with me (I am signed up and he knows that but hasnt offered to join). He has been unsupportive of me despite knowing how difficult my pregnancy has been (3 days hospitalized with kidney stones at week 22 followed by 9 days of excruciating pain at home, horrible acid reflux and 40lbs of weight gain that has left me really uncomfortable) He claims that all I do is complain.
We had decided in week 12 that I would be having my baby down in Tennessee on the Farm (think Ina May Gaskin). So we started preparing for that. We visited the farm in my 12th week together...ever since, I have been taking care of all the logistics. I have put aside all the money for the birth expenses and the cost of renting the cottage. Took care of getting the supplies....made plans for how I would get down there. He has never discussed it with me.
In addition to all of the stresses of pregnancy, sick pregnancy, etc....I have also started working 15 hours a week getting up at 5:30 every work morning to get to my job, taking care of everything in our lives other than going to work for him....like making his lunches, having dinner for him....up and down 3 floors of stairs 12 times per laundry cycle making sure his clothes are clean, doing all the grocery shopping, cleaning, dishes, etc....and he had the nerve 2 weeks ago to tell me all I do is play video games all day.
A week ago last saturday I left and moved to my parents house for the week while they were on vacation in Mexico. I believe I have had some bronchitis for 2+ months and I was feeling worse and worse trying to be superwoman and keeping a smile on my face. He was angry at first but then told me he was glad I was sticking up for myself when he read the note where I told him the baby and my health had to be my top priority right now and that I needed him to consider that I have needs too....that I had been stuffing them to try to shield him from any additional stress for too long....I needed to take care of myself.
On valentines day, he and I talked on the phone (the day after I left) and he proceeded to tell me how wrong I was about everything. that he has been the ideal husband. We hung up angry and I didnt hear from him for almost a week. Sunday (a week later) he came to pick me up when my parents returned and a new fight ensued. It ended with him leaving alone. Before he left I said "Listen, I know I have work to do to help fix our marriage...but I need to hear you admit that you also have work to do." He said "Absolutely not!" He had suggested a marriage counselor earlier in the conversation but to me, if someone cant admit they have any work to do, marriage counseling is a waste of time and money.
I am devistated. I have been married for about 200 days. I have 11 weeks left til my due date. I am so filled with uncertainty. My husband was the epitome of the supportive partner before we married. He was kind, giving, and cooperative but I feel he has been switched out for a completely different man. I am now wondering if I am about to embark on a life raising this child alone. Not once since we have been apart has he asked about the baby. About how I am feeling. He seems more upset that I took the laptop with me.
I don't know how to feel.
Thanks for listening.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: "Abandonment" DH leaves me stranded - Vent(long)
All I can say is that I am sorry for the hardships that you are going through right now, but I believe you have done what is best for you and your child. I hope everything works out for all of you!
I think you are doing what is best for you are your LO. Maybe some time apart will make him relize how much you do for him. Even though he isn't willing to admit he is doing anything wrong, I would give counseling a try at least that way if things don't work out you will know in your heart you gave it everything you could.
I wish you and you LO the best.
I am sorry you are going through this pregnancy without the support of your spouse. I am a mental health counselor so the first thing that pops into my mind is if the two of you ever discussed what your expectations were during pregnancy and child rearing. The reason I say this is because everyone has thier own definition of "normal." For instance, I have a large family ( 3 siblings & 24 first cousins) and we are always calling, emailing, texting each other. Heck, we maintain a family website. My DH has 1 brother, 1 uncle and no cousins - 1st or 2nd. I talk to my parents, sister and both of my brothers a few times a day. My DH may speak to his parents once a month if they call. I see that as wierd just like he sees my constant communication with my family as odd.
I noticed you mentioned telling him that you were unhappy with things but I guess what I am getting at is did you ever ask him what he thought was expected of him during this time? Did you guys ever tell each other - verbally not implied - what you were expecting from each other during this time? And I mean straight out - I expect A,B,C - no implying or suggesting. Maybe that will help both of you see where the other one is coming from. I hope this helps a little. I hope this situation gets better for you as you don't need the stress,
This. I'm so sorry you're going through this, especially right now. Maybe it would be better to hold off on the counseling until after LO arrives, as it may be very stressful. But then, not going to counseling could be equally or more stressful for you. I don't know... but don't lose hope that things will work out the best for you. I certainly hope they do.
MCC
Thank you for your post. It was helpful to hear those things. I will admit that we come from VERY different families. My parents have just celebrated their 38th wedding anniversary and we talk about EVERYTHING. His family is much more conservative and his parents divorced when he was 15. His mother and father are good people but I dont think they really know who he is. His take is that they believe what they believe which is in direct opposition to what he does about just about everything so its best not to get into it with them.
So yes, there are probably some very different expectations about what family roles each take. What I think is more of an issue here is that my husband is so focused on how his schedule demands that he works more than he feels he should have to....and how that means he CANT do a lot of what he wants to do.....that he doesnt think about what he CAN do. Its a lot about poor him....and he hardly recognizes that most families have restrictions, but they work around those things to come up with ways they can be involved. For him, it is easier to say...its unfair...I dont have time for this....so I just wont be involved. Plus he is so overwhelmed that it is like he is at his max....and any more responsibility is too much....it will push him over the edge...so he does just what he can and acts as if the rest is not happening...with little regard to how overwhelming it might be for me.
At this point, asking directly for what I feel I need usually results (no matter how diplomatically I put it) in a defensive response to how great and how supportive he is and how unreasonable I am to ask anything of him. I have even expressed that he does a lot for me that is amazing....some things that I totally DON'T need.....and some things that would really be helpful but I feel he refuses. That maybe if we communicated better, we could minimize how many demands he feels are placed on him by focusing on what is needed most. Again, I get no where. I am not new to therapy....and have been a counselor myself....so I know some tactics for changing the perspective of some people who are reacting to emotions....and nothing works. Which is why I am skeptical about the success of therapy without him first starting some individual stuff.
I'm sorry you're going through all of this..
it seems to me that everything has been too fast for both.. and that expectations and communication are not strong enough in your relationship..
plus the idea of a child might be overwealming (sp?) to him... I wouldn't pass the opportunity of going to counseling even though now he doesn't believe in it... but maybe the counselor would enable to clear some stuff between the two of you and maybe start there...
don't loose the hopes and trust yourself.. a new life will be coming soon and you'll do what is best for both!!
GL!!
::hugs::
Now you have me wondering if our husbands are related? LOLOL. I tell my DH that I have no interest in attending is pity parties when he starts whinning. I fully admit I have very little patience for that crap. My DH is a firm believer in the "if I bury my head in the sand things will fix themselves when i look up" approach while I follow the "what do i need to do to fix this NOW" approach. I am upfront and he avoids things so I can totally relate. I also found out I was pregnant a week after getting married. Complete shock for both of us. What I noticed was that Dh went into a mini depression immediately afterwards. My DH had this idea that he would no longer matter or be important to me because of the baby. He kept telling me that I was no longer going to care if he was happy or not because the baby was going to be more important. I guess you could call it more of a jealousy phase than depression. Then again I think that is an example of our upbringing. My dad used to tell us that my mom and him PICKED each other and they got stuck with us. When I was young that was insulting. Now not so much. I get my dad's point. My DH parents lives revolved around thier kids so DH figured I would act the same as his parents.
I know this is going to sound silly and my DH tells me repeatedly that he is not a client but I do the whole active listening exercise with him when we don't seem to be understanding each other. I can honestly say I tried every approach I could think of to communicate with him before I found what works for us now. I sit him down and speak as plainly as possible. I learned years ago that he does not even recognize hints.
I think people tend to be more receptive to feedback from therapist/counselors because they aren't emotionally involved in the situation. When it comes from someone you have a relationship with you take/reject the information based on how you feel about the person at that momment. A lot of the times it has nothing to do with what is said but rather how you feel about the person when they are talking. Maybe that is why what you say isn't getting across. You never know, maybe hearing that he would benefit from individual therapy from an unbiased person is exactly what he needs. It also sounds like you could use a safe place to vent too so my ind tx might be helpful for both of you.
I really hope things get better soon and I will be thinking of you
This. Maybe he'll drop some of the defensiveness in a therapy session. It's certainly worth a try. Good luck.
Tales of the Wife