Anyone else think maybe their DH resents them working?

wheelenl · February 2010

Long story short, I SAH for the first year with DS #1. I thought it was what I wanted to do, but just as much I did it because everyone else in my life thought I should (DH, my mother, MIL). Not a great choice, I know. But anyway...

I went back to work (3 days) when DS turned 1. Things have been great. Then I had #2 back in November, and DH was really helpful at first, like he was (and is) with #1. But after about 6 weeks he was basically not helping at all.

I went back to work at 10 weeks (by choice, could have waited until 12). We are FFing and DH is not helping at all.

Now, I know some of you are like, my husband doesn't help, etc., and I'm sorry for you, but normally my DH is a very helpful person. He's just completely unhelpful with baby. NEVER wakes up to feed him. Does very little diapering, bathing, playing with him....anything.

I just feel as if he thinks that if only I were staying home, then he wouldn't need to help with cooking and I could nap to catch up on sleep for waking up with LO and he could contribute (even) less. (That would, of course, require both of my kids to nap at the same time.)

He knows I need to work, and theoretically he supports my decision, but I don't know. I haven't said this to him yet because I just came to the realization today.

OK, there really is no point to this post. Smile

RoxyLynn · February 2010

Have you considered other possibilities for his change in behavior? Maybe he's having a hard time adjusting to having 2 kids around. Maybe there is new stress at work, or with one of his parents, etc.

Have you asked him what's going on? Something like "Things have been so crazy with everyone getting used to new schedules. How is this working out for you? You seem overwhelmed."

aglenn · February 2010

((Hugs))

My friend and I were just talking this morning about how we need to start a support group for married single parents (only half joking). I work full time and she is a SAHM, so it can happen either way....but yes, it is frustrating and exhausting and I totally know what you mean.

wheelenl · February 2010

RoxyLynn:
Have you considered other possibilities for his change in behavior? Maybe he's having a hard time adjusting to having 2 kids around. Maybe there is new stress at work, or with one of his parents, etc.

Have you asked him what's going on? Something like "Things have been so crazy with everyone getting used to new schedules. How is this working out for you? You seem overwhelmed."

Yeah, he doesn't love his job, and I'm sure that contributes (because I love mine), but he says the problem is me, that I'm nagging too much.

But honestly, I only resorting to nagging after many, many healthy attempts at trying to get him to help. He says the problem is my attitude, and I say I only developed an attitude because I'm so overhwhelmed, and exhausted.

BoxTer · February 2010

I also stayed home for the first year with DD and like you, I really did not enjoy being a SAHM. While I was in the thick of job hunting and not really getting anywhere, I was pretty mopey and not much fun to be around so when I did get my job (that I like better than the one I left to SAH), DH was thrilled to see me happy again! He has always been very helpful with DD and that didn't change when I went back to work. Was your DH detached with your first child and got more into it when he was older and more interactive? Maybe he is just feeling overwhelmed by having two kids (not that that should be an excuse for not helping you). It sounds like you need to have a real heart-to-heart with him so you can both understand where he's coming from (he might not even know himself, or maybe only on a subconscious level) and figure out ways to share the responsibilities. It's definitely not fair that you do everything! Good luck!

The_Jen626 · February 2010

I'm sorry that your DH is being a butthead. To answer your question, no, I don't think my DH resents me working. He knows that I am much happier working than SAH, and he supports me and my decision.

We are FFing now too, and this is what I have found to work for us, to get him to help out.

"DH, DD is hungry. Do you want to change her diaper, or make her bottle?"

"DH, do you want to make dinner, or do the dishes?"

"DH, do you want to give DD a bath or fold all the laundry?"

That way, you are giving him an option, and he gets to pick which one seems "easier" for him to do.

He used to reply "I don't want to do either one." To which I would say "well neither do I, and we both need to be up early for work in the morning, so it's only fair that we each do one. Which do you want to do?"

shouldbworkin · February 2010

We're the opposite, but MH still goes through phases where he's not too helpful. Working helps keep things in balance for us though. It could just be having 2 kids. There is much less down time and he could still be adjusting. Even if you SAH, he would still need to step it up a bit compared to before. Also, is he doing a lot to keep #1 occupied while you tend to the baby? That is an important contribution too.

For us, I just started asking for help more vs. waiting for him to jump in. Some weeks I have to keep on him, other weeks he's great. If we've had a rough week with someone waking up at night or waking up early, he's generally less helpful. he just doesn't deal as well with that sort of thing as I do.

kgb1411 · February 2010

The_Jen626:

I'm sorry that your DH is being a butthead. To answer your question, no, I don't think my DH resents me working. He knows that I am much happier working than SAH, and he supports me and my decision.

We are FFing now too, and this is what I have found to work for us, to get him to help out.

"DH, DD is hungry. Do you want to change her diaper, or make her bottle?"

"DH, do you want to make dinner, or do the dishes?"

"DH, do you want to give DD a bath or fold all the laundry?"

That way, you are giving him an option, and he gets to pick which one seems "easier" for him to do.

He used to reply "I don't want to do either one." To which I would say "well neither do I, and we both need to be up early for work in the morning, so it's only fair that we each do one. Which do you want to do?"

I do this too, but it just struck me how similar this is to what you do with a 2 year old. *just give them 2 options and let them pick, that way they feel like they have some control over the decision*

CA_EAM · February 2010

Not knowing you or you DH but I would venture to say he doens't resent you working. Rather, it might be that he is unhappy with his job. And maybe he sees you having an easier time of the new addition and working, esp if you are happier. Maybe the financial stress of having two is making his job seem more loath-some and he feels stuck. I would like to think that he doesn't mean to do it, but maybe he is helping less because he wants you to be as unhappy as he is. Just a few random thoughts...GL!

Mini_Mariah · February 2010

I know how you feel - my DH often says he wishes I would stay home. DH does a lot around the house, but it's mostly stuff he wants to do like bills/paperwork, repairs/projects, etc. Not cooking, cleaning, laundry, or DD care. I like the PP's idea of giving him choices of what he has to do to help so he has to pick one.

I also am in a situation where his family thinks I should stay home, and the women all stay/stayed home. But just because I have the opportunity to SAH (in theory, he makes great money but we also have a very expensive house and have never lived on a budget so it would be a struggle on one salary) doesn't mean I'm cut out to be a SAHM.

I don't really have any good advice for you, sorry

The_Jen626 · February 2010

kgb1411:

I do this too, but it just struck me how similar this is to what you do with a 2 year old. *just give them 2 options and let them pick, that way they feel like they have some control over the decision*

Exactly!!!!!!!!!!!!

trinny · February 2010

The_Jen626:
kgb1411:

I do this too, but it just struck me how similar this is to what you do with a 2 year old. *just give them 2 options and let them pick, that way they feel like they have some control over the decision*

Exactly!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOL-- I do this all the time too. Men really do have the emotional maturity of a 2 yo! ha!

carrie4g · February 2010

I do the "pick one of two options" and it is a total success and sometimes a joke because I'll then laugh that he didn't pick what I thought he'd pick. We also do a mean game of paper-rock-scissors to decide who is doing what.

Is he helping a lot still with the older child?

shouldbworkin · February 2010

The_Jen626:

kgb1411:

I do this too, but it just struck me how similar this is to what you do with a 2 year old. *just give them 2 options and let them pick, that way they feel like they have some control over the decision*

Exactly!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ditto.

beckytr · February 2010

Oh my DH was the opposite. He really resented my 5 mo. maternity leave and felt like he didn't have to do anything to help with the baby at all b/c I was doing nothing all day. Also annoying!!

duchess0727 · February 2010

My husband is the opposite. He would resent me if I didn't work. But it doesn't sound like that is the case with your husband either. Even though we had a baby once before, my husband was very nervous around our daughter and didn't really do a lot either at first (at least for the baby - he did stuff around the house). Once she got older and was more interactive, I definitely saw a big difference. That could definitely be what your husband is experiencing. Why don't you ask him about it? Maybe he needs some baby bonding time.

roshybride · February 2010

It took my DH some time to get used to the idea that I did not want to SAH anymore. I was never planning on being a SAHM. Even before we had kids or were even married, I was planning on being a WM. I just happened to get pg while still in college, so since I didn't have a job and did not have the skill set to get a job I would like, i just SAH. At the time it was the easier thing to do i thought. About a year ago, I realized that my ppd was more than just ppd, but that I wasn't happy SAH. I needed something else. DH knew I wasn't happy either. So now he's excited for me to go back to school, but I know it hasn't hit him as to the fact that he's going to have to help out a lot more. I don't get a lot done during the day, since my two boys keep me going, but once I start school full time again, I'll be getting even less done and he'll need to help more.

abpdjs · February 2010

The_Jen626:

I'm sorry that your DH is being a butthead. To answer your question, no, I don't think my DH resents me working. He knows that I am much happier working than SAH, and he supports me and my decision.

We are FFing now too, and this is what I have found to work for us, to get him to help out.

"DH, DD is hungry. Do you want to change her diaper, or make her bottle?"

"DH, do you want to make dinner, or do the dishes?"

"DH, do you want to give DD a bath or fold all the laundry?"

That way, you are giving him an option, and he gets to pick which one seems "easier" for him to do.

He used to reply "I don't want to do either one." To which I would say "well neither do I, and we both need to be up early for work in the morning, so it's only fair that we each do one. Which do you want to do?"

i would go with this advice. dh is helpful on the whole but there are days where i have to give choices and if he complains i simply tell him, "i am tired too, these things need to get done.......which one is it going to be?"

JulieRNbride · February 2010

I think sometimes DH resents my work schedule; not necessarily the fact that I work, but that I work every weekend and he is home with the kids. He has been known to throw out his comments, "All my coworkers are going golfing Sunday. Must be nice." When I ask if he needs a babysitter so he can go, he pouts and says no....

We have also had a few heated discussions about him waking me up so that he can go running, go to Home Depot by himself, etc. That is one of my biggest complaints with working night shift--if I am sleeping during the day, I feel like DH thinks I am being lazy so he will barge in at 1:00 pm on a Sunday and tell me he needs to get stuff done....after I have slept for four hours. GRRRR.

I also do the same tactic as other posters..."Dishes need to be done, and the boys need a bath. Which one do you want to do?" It is either do it that way or try to do everything myself and stalk around giving him dirty looks; I have found that doesn't really work.

jlw2505 · February 2010

I think you really need to sit down with your DH and have a good heart to heart about all of this or you will start to feel really resentful and it could effect your marriage. Just make sure you have a calm conversation - no finger pointing or anything, just express how you feel about the whole work thing and taking care of everything for the baby. Good luck.

xmasbabymama · February 2010

Is it possible he was like this with #1 at this age, but you don't remember because you had more time with your oldest? And does he spend a lot of time with your older son now?

I don't know if my DH resents my working, but most of his coworkers have wives that stay home witht he kids and often last year he would say/think/make the faces that I know he was thinking - "man if she just stayed home my life would be so much easier." We've since reached a better understanding, but it is hard and I do most of the work. Although, he helps out a lot - more than I recognize sometimes.

I have had to assign him some things to do - he makes coffee, he does dishes/dishwasher stuff. And he helps out with things that I ask him to do. But most of the baby work, I handled at that age - I was nursing and I was the one to get up at night, to get up early. We're starting to split weekends more evenly now.

And the which one do you want to do is a good tactic.

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