Giving a baby up for adoption... — The Bump
2nd Trimester

Giving a baby up for adoption...

...I don't know how anyone can do it! 

I never realized how much you bond with a baby during pregnancy until I experienced it myself.  For the first 20 weeks, I had no pregnancy symptoms (aside from the occasional fatigue), which made it pretty hard to acknowledge the presence of a tiny life in my belly.  But now that I know she's a girl and I can feel her moving around, kicking, responding to my and DH's voice... I just can't imagine carrying this baby around for 3 more months and then giving her away.

I respect and admire those who are able to go through with giving up a child for adoption, and I think it's a great thing when it's in the baby's best interest. It takes a very mature person, regardless of their age, to make such a life changing decision.  Only now do I realize how incredibly difficult that decision really is.  This pregnancy has really changed my views on a LOT of controversial topics, that's for sure!

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Re: Giving a baby up for adoption...

  • I can't imagine being in a position where this would need to be an option. I don't know what I would do if I had to make that decision.
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  • Did you happen to follow any of season one of MTV's 16 and Pregnant?  The girl Catelynn that gave her baby up for adoption just might be the strongest and most selfless young woman I have ever heard of.
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  • My one good friend these days put her baby up for adoption to a really good family not too far from where we live (dif city I think) ..I admire what it took for her to do that as well..I hadnt seen her for a while and she didnt even tell anyone she was pregnant until after she had the baby..She mentioned it was a little harder for her SO than her..She has an open adoption and sees her on b-day and x-mas but still I can not imagine that..You go in with a baby and out with nothing?..

    They totally have my respect..She's having a blast with my pregnancy though and helped me decorate LO's room and cant wait to meet her and stuff..

  • I know people who have been on all sides of this situation. People who've given babies for adoption, people who've been adopted, and people who've adopted children. And let me tell you, it is a BLESSING for all parties involved. I thank God for those women who were brave enough to make that wrenching decision, and I thank God for the people I know who were brave enough to open their hearts to their adoptive children, and I thank God that the people I know who are adopted were adopted so I could know and love them.

    That said, it is an incredibly difficult choice. My bil and his husband had 2 birth mothers change their minds after agreeing to allow them to adopt their babies. And honestly, I thank God they had the right to do that. And I pray it was the right choice.

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  • I gave a baby up for adoption when I was 16. It was heartbreaking. As a mother I think you do what is the very best for your child no matter how it makes you feel personally. 
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  • imageHBaylies:
    Did you happen to follow any of season one of MTV's 16 and Pregnant?  The girl Catelynn that gave her baby up for adoption just might be the strongest and most selfless young woman I have ever heard of.

    I also found it interesting that the strongest couple on the show was the one that gave the baby up for adoption.

    I don't know how anyone could do this!  I have a cousin that just recently was a surrogate.  The baby wasn't biologically related to her, but I still couldn't imagine giving it away!  Apparently they're going to stay in contact with the family, interesting.

  • Choosing adoption is completely selfless and shows just how much you love that child. Abortion on the other hand...well I won't say anything else. I don't want a debate-honest.
  • I can't imagine ever being in that position.  It would be the hardest thing I would ever have to do and I think there would have to be very good reasons to make that decision.  I have great respect for women who choose to give their babies up for adoption because they want them to have a better life than they could provide.  It provides a lot of hope to couples who cannot concieve.
  • imageHBaylies:
    Did you happen to follow any of season one of MTV's 16 and Pregnant?  The girl Catelynn that gave her baby up for adoption just might be the strongest and most selfless young woman I have ever heard of.

    Could not agree more with this.  She knew she could not give her baby the life it deserved and did THE most selfless thing she could  I think she (and her boyfriend) is (are) so incredible. 

  • I agree that it is the most selfless thing anyone could do. I'm not starting an abortion debate here, so no flaming, but I think it's wonderful when women who's children have DS or some other mental illness put the children up for adoption instead of just aborting them, because there are people who want a special needs child. My aunt and uncle are in the processing of adopting a little girl and she's special needs. My aunt's a special education teacher and absolutely loves being with those type of children.
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  • I know we are not debating, but fwiw, I am pro-choice. being a birth mother didn't change that for me. 
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  • I would imagine that if you knew you were going to give up your child you would try and keep an emotional distance from the pregnancy. That doesn't take away from the fact that it is a really hard, selfless thing to do and I am so grateful I never had to be in a situation where that was my only option.
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  • imageHBaylies:
    Did you happen to follow any of season one of MTV's 16 and Pregnant?  The girl Catelynn that gave her baby up for adoption just might be the strongest and most selfless young woman I have ever heard of.

    I think I'm too selfish to give my baby up.

  • My birth mother put me up for adoption because she cheated on her husband and got pregnant. My birth mother hates me and says I ruined her marriage and her life. She wants beyond nothing to do with me and wishes she had had an abortion instead. (But didn't due to family pressure)

    So I think a lot of people who put there babies up for adoption are selfless and want to give there child a better life, not all of them do. It makes me sad to think of all the children (like myself) whose birth parents wanted nothing to do with them and were cruel to them growing them. (Even though I never lived with her. And barely visited/talked with her.)

    My birth mother also put me up for adoption out of spite to the man who got her pregnant. He wanted to keep me and raise me, I was his child also. But she was too pissed off to let him.

  • imageseells:

    My birth mother put me up for adoption because she cheated on her husband and got pregnant. My birth mother hates me and says I ruined her marriage and her life. She wants beyond nothing to do with me and wishes she had had an abortion instead. (But didn't due to family pressure)

    So I think a lot of people who put there babies up for adoption are selfless and want to give there child a better life, not all of them do. It makes me sad to think of all the children (like myself) whose birth parents wanted nothing to do with them and were cruel to them growing them. (Even though I never lived with her. And barely visited/talked with her.)

    My birth mother also put me up for adoption out of spite to the man who got her pregnant. He wanted to keep me and raise me, I was his child also. But she was too pissed off to let him.

     

    How horrible. I'm so sorry that you even have to know all that.

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  • imageseells:

    My birth mother put me up for adoption because she cheated on her husband and got pregnant. My birth mother hates me and says I ruined her marriage and her life. She wants beyond nothing to do with me and wishes she had had an abortion instead. (But didn't due to family pressure)

    So I think a lot of people who put there babies up for adoption are selfless and want to give there child a better life, not all of them do. It makes me sad to think of all the children (like myself) whose birth parents wanted nothing to do with them and were cruel to them growing them. (Even though I never lived with her. And barely visited/talked with her.)

    My birth mother also put me up for adoption out of spite to the man who got her pregnant. He wanted to keep me and raise me, I was his child also. But she was too pissed off to let him.

    Wow.  Seems like you were better off being adopted than being raised by an unloving mother.  Have you kept in touch with your birthfather at all?  How did you find out all this?

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  • imagemopsie:
    imageseells:

    My birth mother put me up for adoption because she cheated on her husband and got pregnant. My birth mother hates me and says I ruined her marriage and her life. She wants beyond nothing to do with me and wishes she had had an abortion instead. (But didn't due to family pressure)

    So I think a lot of people who put there babies up for adoption are selfless and want to give there child a better life, not all of them do. It makes me sad to think of all the children (like myself) whose birth parents wanted nothing to do with them and were cruel to them growing them. (Even though I never lived with her. And barely visited/talked with her.)

    My birth mother also put me up for adoption out of spite to the man who got her pregnant. He wanted to keep me and raise me, I was his child also. But she was too pissed off to let him.

    Wow.  Seems like you were better off being adopted than being raised by an unloving mother.  Have you kept in touch with your birthfather at all?  How did you find out all this?

    I was definitely better off being adopted. Makes me wonder about her other 4 kids. She had two boys with her husband, me, then 2 daughters with her next husband. How there lives were who knows.

    I've never met my birth father. My birth mom refused to give me his name or tell me any information about him other then bad things. And who knows if what she says about him is true. But when she was pregnant/when I was a baby she had a good relationship with my mom. And she told my mom all this and even told her the name of my birth father. (She said it once and my mom NEVER forgot his name. She told me when I asked, which was like 20 years later. Which I love her for so much.) 

  • imageHBaylies:
    Did you happen to follow any of season one of MTV's 16 and Pregnant?  The girl Catelynn that gave her baby up for adoption just might be the strongest and most selfless young woman I have ever heard of.

    Although I hate that show, I loved that girl! She really is what you listed above!

  • It is hard. But if its the better of the scenario's then it makes it suck a little bit less. It gets less hurtful as years go by. Until now, when I'm pregnant with a planned baby in a good situation, and we also have full custody of my stepson whose mother would rather have partied than "deal with him".

    So needless to say, DH doesn't understand where all my anger towards SS's mom comes from. She chose partying over her child, I chose a better life for mine. She has the opportunity to see him and spend time with him, it only recently became a semi-priority to her...and SS is 8 y/o.

    You're most likely in a totally different place than what most women are who have gone the adoption route. I had someone tell me one time that she had no respect for women who threw their children away like trash. I don't give a sh!t what she thought about me, but it is painful to think that the daughter I gave up might think that I thought of her that way. However, I don't see how choosing life over abortion is "throwing ones child away like trash". To each their own, I suppose.

    It has been on my mind a lot lately especially with this baby. It's basically a daily reminder of what I went through before, and how different it is now, and how I wish things could've been different.

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    Lilypie - (fjc0)

  • I mentioned this before, but as a non-involved person- it's hard to develop a really strong opinion ... but I am very interested in adoption reform.  I feel that this idea that if you don't have your act 100% together- the best thing for your baby is to give them away to strangers may not always be true.  I think the adoption process and the conventional idea of what the options for troubled pregnancies are- can be very abusive toward the birth mothers and dehumanizing to the babies who are denied any information about their family history.  Also, although I do agree that in many cases the "gift" of the baby is a selfless act of the birthmother... I think that maybe our culture puts a lot of effort into the spin on that- without shutting up long enough to actually hear what the birth mothers have to say about their loss or the coercion that went into getting them to hand their baby over... like "We think you are such a hero, don't let us down by saying how you really feel."

      I think that there is a lot of room for alternative approaches to troubled pregnancies.  I think closed adoption is criminal theft of a person's identity- no agency, court or other person has the right to keep information about yourself- from you!!

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