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Attachment Parenting
acia
member
I feel like such a bad mother.
acia
member
Not even just a bad AP parent, but a bad mother. Period.
I am so tired. So sleep deprived. So physically exhausted. I have no energy to play with my baby, entertain her, teach her, laugh with her, have fun with her.... And when I do play with her it feels like so much effort, like I'm putting on a false face just in an attempt to be a real parent to her. Because I am up with her ALL. NIGHT. LONG. I don't even know how many times I wake up with her, because I don't even know if I sleep long enough for it to count as waking up. This has been going on for months. I haven't slept for more than 2 consecutive hours since she was 3 months old. I have no family around, no friends who can help, and DH is so busy that he can only help for an hour at the most in the evening... But then it's all me, all night long, and most of the next day.
I look so forward to her naps. Even though they only last 30 minutes, it's time where I don't have to put energy into being with her and can just zone out. I feel so terrible and guilty saying this "outloud," but I dread her waking up because I don't feel like I have the energy to give her what she needs, and to be a good mother. I love her so much, and on the rare day that I feel somewhat rested, we have so much fun together, and I remember why I wanted to be a mother.
Tell me I'm not a terrible person for feeling this way... Please tell me this is a phase, and it will end. Soon. Tell me it gets better. I need her to start sleeping so I can enjoy her again. Tips? Advice? Wanna come over and take the night shift? 
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Re: I feel like such a bad mother.
Of course you're not a terrible parent. You're exhausted and we all would feel the same in your shoes. You *need* to tell your DH what you just wrote here and have him help you somehow. Even if it's one night a week or maybe in the mornings he can get up with your DD for a bit and let you sleep in - something needs to give.
I seem to remember you posting about sleep a week or two ago. Did you ever try putting her to sleep in another room to see if she would sleep more heavily away from you?
Best of luck! I've been there and it was a phase and did pass, but it's so hard to get though.
You are NOT a terrible person for feeling this way. Being a mom is hard work. Period. And it is even harder when you don't have enough support to take care of yourself. I don't know how single moms do it, and to me it sounds like you are essentially a single mom.
Somehow, at least on the weekend, your DH needs to find a way to give you a break. Everyone needs to recharge, even if it is just for a few hours, and either your DH needs to give you a chance to recharge or he needs to help you find someone to give you a break. Even if you could find a local high school kid to come to your house for a couple of hours on Sunday afternoon - you could hire her to do laundry, to do dishes, to hold the baby, to help you in whatever way would help you recharge.
And, it will get better. We've essentially let DS bedshare all the time because it is the only way I get any sleep. 3-7 months with him was a hard stretch, but it has gradually gotten better. The nights of waking every 2 hours seemed to have stretched to every 3 hours. And sometimes we even get a 4 hour stretch. Also, I'm now able to put him down in his crib for naps and for the first couple hours of sleep at bedtime. Don't tell, it only works if I put him down on his belly...but this weekend he took an unprecedented TWO HOUR nap in his crib. First time ever and the other night he slept in there from 8:30 to 10:30, so I was actually able to go to bed with a clean kitchen for the first time in weeks.
The thing that gets my through (in addition to bedsharing) is that my parents visit every 4-6 weeks. When they come, my mom does the dishes, my dad cooks and I let them hold Todd as much as they want. This gives me time to "catch" up on the house so that I can go to bed early without getting totally behind on life for a few days.
HTH and Hugs!
Im so sorry your having such a rough time. The first 3 months for us were exactly the same. DS never slept long enough for me to even fall asleep and then was screaming and miserable ALL day and night. He did turn a corner around the 3 month mark but still gets up at least 3x night and doesnt want to go back to sleep.
As for feeling like you dont have any energy to play and entertain....thats right....you dont ! Heck even I dont feel like I can some days...he's kicking and smiling and Im just like uggghhhh.....mommy wants to sleep not play !! Dont feel bad its not your fault....your doing the best you can !
I dont have any tips for you except really really expressing to your DH how you feel. I thought my FI knew how tired and overwhelmed I was untill I broke down and screamed and then he was like well why didnt you say you needed more help. Since you dont have any family around is there any way 1 day/week you could hire a sitter to come to your house, or send LO to a afternoon daycare? Then you could sleep or grocery shop...I know no one wants to have to do that , but your saftey needs to come first !! HTH
Without letting her CIO, I feel like I've tried everything (I'm really trying to avoid any kind of "sleep training"). I did try moving her to another room for a couple nights, but it only made it worse because by the time I heard her, she was crying, and then she took so much longer to settle (and she still woke up the same amount, which meant rather than just rolling over I was actually having to get out of bed each time).
I might end up calling someone in to just take her for a couple hours a couple times a week, just so I can nap... DH is so busy and I've already maxed out his free time to help out with her. And I really don't want him to have to help out overnight, because he needs sleep so he can do surgeries the next day.
Thanks for all your commends reminding me that I'm not alone, and not wrong for feeling this way. When DD looks up at me with a huge smile it's hard to not feel guilty that reciprocating the smile is so much effort.
I was going to say that unless your DH operates on people or heavy machinery he should be helping you at night. There goes that...
On the other hand, does he really do surgery everyday? Also, my DH says that all his med school training prepared him for sleepless nights with the babies. So maybe one night a week isn't totally unreasonable.
If your mental health is at stake, you might consider some sort of sleep training. Because it sounds like you are near a breaking point and that's not good for your dd either.
I think I've said this before but I went through the same thing when DS was that age. He kept hitting milestone after milestone and it seemed to be keeping him awake all night.
I don't really have any advice - DS's nightwakings did get better over time (and then worse and then better and then worse again
). You are a great mom! I hope everything gets better soon.
Well he's a neuroscientist and his surgeries are on animals... But still, a good nights' sleep is pretty essential when you're operating on a rat brain (or so he tells me). But he's got a week off coming up so I might be asking him for more help. We're supposed to be a team, and I hate feeling like a single mother!
Thanks - yes, I have read that book... We've tried a number of solutions, but nothing has made any kind of difference. It's frustrating because I've heard that it's a miracle for some babies. But if there's a hard way around something, DD seems to find it!
I have a craptastic sleeper too, so I totally empathize. I've been at the breaking point for awhile too. I think we're seeing a light @ the end of the tunnel though. Here are some suggestions:
1. Just trying different stuff rarely works. You have to give anything at least a week unless it's just obviously backfiring.
2. I recommend reading NCSS, the Baby Sleep Book, & even Ferber. I'm employing some Ferber tips right now that have nothing to do with CIO & we're seeing progress. Make a list of things that you think would help, whether you've tried them already or not, & create a 10 or 14 day plan. You may not use all of the tricks in your initial plan - keep a couple on hold to use if your first round doesn't work.
3. Get a fairly strict sleep schedule going. I know "schedule" can be a dirty word on this board, but I know Ari has to have a very consistent sleep schedule or else it's hell. Obviously milestones, illness, or changing sleep needs are going to through it off, but we listen to his needs & cues & create a schedule around that. At your LOs age he was up for 2 hours, then we had him down for a nap, rinse & repeat.
4. Start sleep logging while your reading & creating your plan. I started doing this in preparation for our new sleep plan & within a few days saw a couple obvious issues.
5. I don't care what your H does - surgery, heavy machinery, whatever. He has to help you for at least a couple of weeks during the sleep plan phase. Has to. Not optional. You cannot solve this alone. I've been there & back again, believe me, you have to have his help. Again, not optional. When we did our 1st sleep plan w/ Ari just before 5 months (after our initial reflux dx), I took a half week off work & DH shifted all responsibilities possible besides school. Our sanity & marriage depended on it. I've been trying to handle our current sleep issues by myself b/c of Ari's separation anxiety & I completely lost it on Sunday. I ended up a shrieking ball of tears on the floor and upset Ari greatly. It could've been a lot worse. Sleep deprivation is bad, it can make you crazy & depressed. I know 1st hand.
I'll be your sleep plan buddy if you want. We're starting a few things right now in preparation but we're going to get a serious plan together next week. Let me know.
ETA: I just saw your comment that he's taking a week off. That week should be devoted to sleep. Get your plan together before then. Was it all night nursing that was the problem? I can't recall. Let me know & I'll tell you what we've tried/are going to try. PPO doesn't always solve it.
I PM'd you!
You are not a bad mother!
Warning! This is lengthy response!
I don't know what stage your DH is at in his training or what his call schedule is like but my DH is a surgical resident and we have had to come up with a few solutions to help with my sanity and sleep deprivation.
First. An attending that DH worked with once told him that one of the keys to balancing family life and surgery is include your family in your schedule as much as possible. So as soon as DH has his call schedules we write it on the calendar so I know what to expect for the upcoming week/month etc. When he leaves the hospital he calls me to let me know he is on his way home. When he is on call we text and call each other just to check in.
When DH is post call we agree on a time for me to wake him up so that he can get some sleep but I know that I will have his help in x hours or that I can get a nap for a few hours. I normally try and leave the house during that time to give him some quiet time and to get some fresh air - which really helps when I am tired.
On the days that he is home early enough - say 7ish. DH takes over bath time and when he is done he takes her after she is fed so that I can take a bath or make a nice dinner (I love to cook) or lie down for a little bit. Something for myself.
Dh's program is pretty good about giving him 24 hours off each week. On those days I handle the night shift but DH will take her in the morning for a couple of hours so I can get some sleep. He will take a nap during the day to get a little extra sleep in. I also plan to do most of our errands on those days so that I can have his help.
I should stress that DH didn't do these things from the get go. I had a major melt down around 6 weeks in. I had been worrying so much about making sure that DH was well rested for work and not asking him for any real help. He thought that everything was under control. Even when I would tell him about a rough day or night I don't think he really understood until he watched her for an afternoon while my sister was in town. When I got home he gave me a big hug and said that he didn't know how I took care of her all the time. Since then he has been much more pro-active about not only helping but asking if I need help.
I something in this monster post helps. Once again - you are not a bad mom but you do need your sleep and some help and you and DH need to figure out a schedule that works for you. Good Luck!
ETA: I just read the post indicating your DH is in a different field but I hope you can still find something in this post to help. Good Luck!
I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I feel like you are kind of a perfectionist. From previous posts of yours, it seems like you want to CONSTANTLY be engaging your daughter, playing with her, singing and talking to her--that combined with lack of sleep, and who wouldn't be exhausted? If I were you, I'd give yourself a break. It's okay to mentally check out and not be going full steam ahead and stimulating her whenever she's awake. Sometimes it's OKAY to just plop her on the floor with some toys, make yourself a cup of tea and totally zone out.
And I think every SAHM looks forward to naptime. I know I do! Honestly, I can never wait for bedtime because DS is such a little handful! And I don't feel guilty at all. We all need a break.
Even with your relationship with your DH before you had LO, I'm sure you weren't constantly talking and frolicking and 100% engaged all the time. I'm sure you each got to do your own thing, I'm sure sometimes you were in the same room but not interacting. It can be the same with your LO. You can have a loving, fulfilling, "attached" relationship without interacting all the time. Everyone needs time on their own, to have their own thoughts and do their own thing, INCLUDING your daughter!
I totally agree - I think everyone needs a little bit of "solo" time. Unfortunately, DD is what I like to call a "high maintenance" baby. She can play for a few minutes on her own, and then she wants attention. She fusses if I don't pick her up or talk to her or make faces at her. If she'll take alone time, I'll give it to her. It's just that she clearly notices when I zone out for a few minutes!
My friend is reading "The Baby Whisperer," and said I have what is called a "Touchy" Baby. I read the description, and it fits her perfectly. Super sensitive, terrible sleeper, hates change in routines, and doesn't do well on her own for extended periods. Well, at least there's a category for my little monkey!
This was us with the milestone after milestone. We had a rough, rough time from 6-10 months then it got better for a short bit, the REALLY bad before finally settling into a great sleep pattern. It does suck. I had DH's help alot because he didn't mind getting up at least one of the night times so that was helpful, however I did have to get up and go to work the next day. It gets better, and honestly, I don't think during that period, sleep training would have helped much anyways. It would have just pissed him off and made it worse. I do think they finding someone to help out a few hours here and there would be beneficial though. No one should be so sleep deprived that they lose their mind.
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