Ladies, I need help (really long, sorry)

CalinsBride · February 2010

This is about my mom. I'm very concerned and overwhelmed and in way over my head and I just need some perspective and ideas on what to do. Advice from anyone with a legal or social service background would be especially helpful.

Some of you know that my father has been abusive to my mother for the entirety of their 25+ year marriage. He has just been horrible, but highlights include physical abuse, threatening to crash the car with me and my sister in it, verbal abuse (name calling, etc), telling my mom that because she had PPD, if she ever tried to leave him when my sister and I were kids, he would make her look crazy and she would never see us again, etc. He also spent all their money recklessly.When she had PPD he would do things like hide her keys so she couldn't leave the house, he spanked me when I was 6 MONTHS OLD, etc.

Also, my mom is now slightly disabled and can't work because she was in a bad car accident 5 years ago.

Anyway, in the past year, they were supposed to be getting separated. He was instructed by our pastor to move out and he agreed, but then moved back in 2 weeks later saying he couldnt afford to live elsewhere (he lost his job in the recession.) So he was living in the same house but staying in the guest room.

Anyway, recently my mother has been hospitalized for depression and anxiety (not surprisingly). She hasn't been sleeping because she's so stressed and she is unable to make decisions or stand up for herself. Her husband has used this opportunity to make it seem as though the separation was never happening. He is making all her decisions for her, and when I was there recently (she was home on a weekend pass) I was appalled and disgusted at how he controls EVERYTHING that she does. What she eats, when and how much, trying to force her to return phone calls, trying to force her to allow him to perm her hair (don't ask), etc, etc.

It was awful and she is too weak to stand up for herself. She told me recently that she still wants to leave him but she has no resources and she doesn't have the strength to fight him right now.

My sister recently moved out of their house this month but she comes home on weekends to work, and when she moved out he gave her the futon, even though she has a bed and a couch, so that there is only one extra bed in the house, which my sister uses when she comes home on weekends. SO basically now when my mom is home from the hospital, my father and her HAVE to share a bedroom because he gave away any other place to sleep. Awesome.

I need to help my mother but I don't know how. The hospital she is in is an hour away and it takes a lot out of us to go visit her. Its expensive in gas, and there are no kids allowed on the mental health floor, so I can only go when DH can watch DS. Their house is also far away so even when she is at home its hard to get there and DH is away with the car during the day. Also, after what happened yesterday I feel like I can no longer subject DS to being around my father. He is just a horrible person, he was yelling at me yesterday because I told him he needs to stop controlling my mother and let her make her own decisions, he is constantly trying to take ds from us and DS screams every time because he HATES him.

Anyway, my mother was supposed to be home on a weekend pass and I called the hospital this morning and she didn't go back last night. Yesterday she was saying that she wanted to go back because she isn't comfortable being at home alone all day while her husband is out because she is so sick. He kept trying to convince her not to go back to the hospital, and apparently he won because she's not there.

My mother needs help and I have no idea how to help her. Even when she was healthy she was being incredibly stubborn in taking the legal steps necessary to get him out of her life. She just kept saying she wanted to wait until she got the settlement money from her accident and then she would leave. She was unwilling to make use of aid agencies or take welfare in the meantime (which she would be totally justified in doing, her disability has run out and she paid taxes for years) or look into cooperative housing. Now its even more complicated because she's sick and unable to advocate for herself and she can't go anywhere where she wouldn't have someone to take care of her.

Here are my fears:

he's keeping her home and she isn't getting the help she needs in the hospital anymore

she will get her settlement money (whenever those sons of biitches decide to pay up) and, being unable to advocate for herself, he will squander it and she won't be able to get away.

What do I do? Seriously, what do I do?

pharmacygirl · February 2010

Wow - that's a lot to be going through. Have her give someone you trust power of attourney so her husband isn't making those decisions for her. I hope this gets better soon for your family. I will keep you all in my T and P.

rosesandpeonies · February 2010

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I do not have any legal or social service background so I can't really answer your questions, but I want you to know that you and your mom are in my thoughts and I really, really hope that it works out for her.

kellyperk85 · February 2010

if I was next to you right now, I would give you a hugeee hug! ?I havw no advice other than can your mom move in with you guys for a little while until she gets things figured out?

ttmccoot · February 2010

cb, i have no advice, but i just wanted to say i'll be thinking of you and your family. lotsa love & strength.

ALittleBirdy · February 2010

Wow, I'm sorry girl

I've kept a bit and the only thing that jumps out at me is having your mother come live with you for awhile??? Help her get back on her feet? I know that's no ideal for you guys (don't have much space, etc), but it sounds like the safest thing ...for you ALL to stay away from your father and get things moving for her.

Mrs.C042807 · February 2010

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I would honestly contact a lawyer. If your mother is in a mental health situation, you might be able to deem her incompetent to make decisions on her own behalf and put yourself as power of attorney. That way her husband couldn't take her out of the hospital on his own.

I would look into a consult with a lawyer... a lot will do a free consult on the first visit.

christina-marie · February 2010

First, I'd look up a phone number for Adult Protectve Services. Your local CPS might have this info. Then, I'd contact an attorney, they'll usually do free consultations. It sounds like at this point she may be incapable to make decisions for herself and power of attorney may need to be shifted to another person (her husband may have already done this-and I'm guessing he has) but an emergency halt on that can be ordered until the court decides.

Tomkat8403 · February 2010

pharmacygirl:
Wow - that's a lot to be going through. Have her give someone you trust power of attourney so her husband isn't making those decisions for her. I hope this gets better soon for your family. I will keep you all in my T and P.

This. Can she give someone else power of attorney? Also, can she live with you temporarily until things get straightened out? Or is there somewhere nearby she can stay (another hospital) that's further away from him?

I will run this by DH (soon-to-be attorney, and no stranger to weird family situations Smile ) and see what can be done.

Prayers for you...

CalinsBride · February 2010

Having her live with us is really not ideal, but I guess I could see if she would consider it, if DH was okay with it. We did think about it, but our place is just SUCH a tiny apartment that I have no idea how it would work. It's also technically against the terms of our lease, and I'm pretty sure it would drive her crazy because we live so differently than her. She is a neat fanatic and we're pretty messy, we eat really simply and have a pretty much vegetarian diet, she is really picky about what she eats and always has to have 3 course meals, she has the tv on all day and we don't have cable or a digital converter box so she'd be bored out of her mind. . .

And truthfully, I think that until she's better she needs to be in the hospital.

Chrysallys · February 2010

I just wanted to give my support as I have no advice other than you trying to get power of attorney.

That is a horrifying situation and it is so sad how abusers can control like that. My "dad" made my mom believe for years that she could never make it without him. To this day she has no self confidence even after being free of him for years.

robbie3982 · February 2010

I'm so sorry. Sad

Is there any way she could stay with you? Could you get her into a closer hospital?

cubits · February 2010

Have you talked to the hospital? They would probably have some good resources.

I also found this:

https://www.ontario.cmha.ca/ I would give them a call.

Kitten80 · February 2010

I am really sorry ::hugs::

Someone needs to be declared her power of attorney (other than your father). I would attempt to do this when he is not home, if possible, since he seems manipulative & may talk her out of it.

If her mental health is so compromised, then the courts may be able declare her unfit to make decisions and with testimony from your pastor, yourself, your sister, and any other witnesses to this long term abuse, declare your father unable to do so for her. You would need to consult a lawyer (can you find a woman's shelter who may have a lawyer that does pro-bouno (spelling?)? I was in a relationship that turned abusive and found a shelter that had a lawyer who advised me and filed all documents/came to court free of charge). Then that POA would be able to keep her in the hospital & possibly also apply for an Emergency Order of Protection on her behalf. Again, a lawyer would be able to advise you what the procedures are in your state & what evidence needs to be presented. Also, if the doctors say she needs to be in a hospital and your father is taking her out, that may prove him to be unfit to make decisions with her best intent.

Can your mother stay with you or your sister when she is on her weekend passes?

Make sure you DOCUMENT everything. Everything you witness, see, say, and are told by others - particularly the hospital.

I don't know if this helps, but some avenues to explore. Hang in there!

Kitten80 · February 2010

christina-marie:
First, I'd look up a phone number for Adult Protectve Services. Your local CPS might have this info. Then, I'd contact an attorney, they'll usually do free consultations. It sounds like at this point she may be incapable to make decisions for herself and power of attorney may need to be shifted to another person (her husband may have already done this-and I'm guessing he has) but an emergency halt on that can be ordered until the court decides.

this! She remembered the APS I forgot to mention. Def. talk to them as well.

CalinsBride · February 2010

Thanks everyone. I will look into some of these suggestions today.

babyformeg · February 2010

Sorry I am getting to this late but I would suggest calling the police for a welfare check. Picking up your mother and intervening. She may need a power of attorney if she is not competent. She needs to sever all ties with him and stay away for her own safety. You can also make a report to your area's adult protection unit, they are by law confidential reports. So sorry you are going through this.

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Ladies, I need help (really long, sorry)

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