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Adoption
Needed: 1) good juju and 2) your opinion. . .
First, I could really use everyone's T&P this week. A couple is looking at our profile this week for a baby girl due in May. We'd really like to be chosen!
Second, a placement in May brought up a philosophical debate at our house that got pretty heated. Here's the scoop: DH's sister is getting married in May. A May placement would obviously put a wrinkle in our attendance (it is across country in NC).
DH is of the opinion that whether or not we get placed, he would attend the wedding (just for a day or so, with time for travel) and I would stay home with baby. I feel it is VITALLY important that he be around for the time frame surrounding placement for several reasons (e.g., bonding with baby, potential legal/paperwork needs, if disruption occurs I'll need him emotionally, etc.).
DH thinks he owes it to his sister to be at the wedding no matter what. He is walking her down the aisle (due to some drama between her and their Dad that's too much to go into here), but DH is not in the bridal party as a groomsmen or anything. And, her fiance's sister won't be a part of the wedding because she's having a baby.
Now, I am an only child and know that I don't understand the sibling bond. But DH sees his sister maybe once a year and they talk on the phone maybe every month or so. So I wouldn't characterize them as super close. I'm struggling with why he would think his sister would be irretrievably broken-hearted over him not being at the wedding because we FINALLY had a child! Considering that we've spent nearly 5 years and tens of thousands of dollars, not to mention the emotional investment, on becoming parents, I tend to think that he should be home with me if we have a child in May.
So, DH actually said, "Ask the women on the Adoption board what they think and see if I'm being unfair or not." Hahahahaha!! What do you all think????
2 years TTC with 5 losses, 1 year recovering, 6 months applying for adoption approval, and almost a year waiting for a placement. Then, a miracle BFP at age 36!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Needed: 1) good juju and 2) your opinion. . .
Yay, how exciting!! I hope things go well for you. Definitely keep us updated. As for your DH's dilemma....
Only your DH can make this decision on what he thinks is important. He needs to listen to your reasons and listen to his sister's reasons and then make his own decision. You can't ask him to choose between you and his child, and his sister. You can't be mad at him if he chooses to attend his sister's wedding.
That being said, I have 3 siblings and I would say I'm close to only one of them and she and I talk less than once a month. It doesn't matter how often we talk...we are still really close. I would be livid if my DH asked me to miss an important event like a wedding for any of the three siblings, close or not. If I chose to not go, that would be different.
I think your DH is being reasonable by only wanting to go for a day. The big things you are talking about, he will be home for. Not being home for one day isn't a big deal, IMO. Also, why argue about it now? Wait until you know if you've been chosen...the baby could come early, or late and not even interfere with the wedding at all.
Also, this will be part of parenthood, so great job talking about this kind of stuff now! You will always be faced with choices between what is right for you, your husband, and child(ren) versus what you would like to do for extended family. It's tough, but you'll find balance.
Oh how very exciting! Good luck!
I can't imagine what he is feeling. I'm quite sure he is struggling with trying to make everyone happy including himself in such important parts of life.
I will admit, i have always throughout this process been of the camp- live life. So, not knowing her due date, if you will be selected (i sure hope you are ;-) ) what if she is late, etc.. I think him going to fulfill his duties and get back to you would be great.
Sending good vibes your way for the selection.
I agree with the other ladies. Sometimes you just have to let them make their own decisions even if they aren't the ones you'd make. (My husband has been on a 5 day snowboarding trip out West while I'm at home and both H and I have a stomach virus. Not what I would have chosen for us, but that's how it happens sometimes.)
I'm going to be started a new job in a few weeks and a discussion we had at our household is that I may not have enough time accrued by the time the baby comes to stay in the other state for the whole ICPC. Is it ideal. No. But it's something that we may have to work through.
Do you have a friend or family member that could come stay with you for the time he will be gone? I know the hardest part during those first few weeks was just not having a clue what I was doing and atleast having DH around made me feel like there were two of us to figure out. Perhaps just having someone with you would help. I wouldn't worry about the bonding part. I don't think 1 or 2 days will make a big difference. The baby will be spending a lot of time sleeping and just wanting to eat.
I'm wishing you all the best of luck with this possible match.
As for the debate, I'm with everyone else. In fact, I'm going through the same thing right now. I'm a bridesmaid in two weddings this summer: my brother's in June, and one of my best friend's in July. I had to tell them each that there was a slight chance I wouldn't be around for their wedding, and let them make the choice if they still wanted to take their chances.
My friend was completely understanding, as I expected, but my brother and his fiancee seemed completely shocked and disappointed. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that the thought never occurred to them, since we've been completely upfront with them about our process every step of the way. It upset me that they could even think for a minute that I might make a choice that could jeopardize my chance at bringing my child home. I explained to my brother that I love him very much and that there is no place I'd rather be on that day than at his wedding...except with my child. They told me they understood (although I'm pretty sure they don't), and we haven't spoken about it since.
In my situation, I'll be in Peru or at these weddings (the only other situation is one in which we just return from Peru, which is unlikely given the timeframe, in which case I'll have to play things by ear and see if I feel comfortable bringing/leaving the child). In your husband's case, though, I don't think being away for a few days would matter as much. Chances are he'll be there in the first few days, and will leave sometime after the baby is placed with you. Since he's only talking about being gone a few days, his trip wouldn't make much of a difference in terms of bonding (compare it to a father having to go on a business trip), and legal paperwork can be handled before or after his trip. If, heaven forbid, something goes wrong and the adoption falls through, he can always cancel his trip at the last minute to remain home with you.
I understand how much you want your husband to be there in the first days. After we adopt our child in Peru, but before we can travel home with him, my husband will return to the US and I'll stay alone in Peru with our child. The thought of being a first-time parent to a child who doesn't speak my language in a foreign country scares the daylights out of me, but I know I will have to handle it, and I will. I'm sure you are a strong woman, and although it's not ideal, I have no doubts that you will be able to manage a few of those first days of parenthood without your husband in town.
First, I have to admit I have not read all of the other responses, but GOOD LUCK! Oh, I hope you are picked
I really don't think he is being unreasonable. I think unreasonable would be demanding that YOU go with a newborn baby. He wants to be there for his sister, and he will only be gone for a day or two. Do you know the due date in May? In Colorado, TPR can be filed four business days after the baby's birth--regardless of when BM signs. Unless the wedding is within a day or two of the due date, I really wouldn't worry about him not being there to support you if disruption happens. Also, missing a couple of days with the baby will not interfere with the lifetime of bonding that is yet to come. Now, if he wanted to travel ON the due date or plus/minus a day or two, I would probably be upset. Give or take a week or two isn't really that big of a deal though.
Sorry if that isn't what you wanted to hear. GOOD LUCK though. I am sending crazy amounts of juju your way.
I don't think that he is being unreasonable. If you are getting a newborn a day or two of bonding will not make any difference. Think of all the babies who spend time in the NICU but still bond perfectly well with their parents. I understand your concern if there were to be a disruption.
My brother and I aren't really close but we did talk a few times a year. He had moved to FL. by the time I was going to be getting married. As it was I was heartbroken over the fact that he did not find a way to make it to the rehearsal dinner even though he was in town. You're DH is playing a much bigger part in her wedding and I can see where she ight be really hurt.
However this a decision only you and DH can make. Good luck!
Good luck -- I'm super excited for you!
And I agree that only your DH can make the decision about whether or not to attend the wedding, but I will say that no situation is perfect. Both my DH and I had to work in the immediate days after Payton was born -- we just alternated schedules when possible so one of us was always with her. And I had oral surgery a few weeks after she was born and was completely out of it for several days -- not as much fun as a wedding -- but I wasn't able to help or spend anytime with her initially. One day or even a few days won't interfere with bonding.
Good luck!
It sounds like he hasn't discussed this with his sister yet, so I'd say he should talk to her about it first. He may be starting a debate over something she wouldn't be upset over.
First off, I really hope you May is it for you. Fingers crossed.
Second off, I think if your husband is just going to be gone for one day then he should go.
Good luck! I really hope this is your match!!!
I think as much as I would probably like for DH to stay home, if I were in you situation, I also think it would be important for your DH to go to the wedding. I am an only child too, and my DH has 4 sisters, and if one of them were getting married, I would want him to go, probably for nothing other than I wouldn't want my sister in law to hold a grudge over me, because I kept DH from his "first" family.
You also have to remember that boys will sometimes will only call some one once in a blue moon, and still consider them a good friend. Girls tend to need to talk to someone quite frequently to be considered a good friend. So while you might not think that they are quite close, I still might think he would be hurt if he had to miss this, and I think that by just going for the 1 day is a good compromise.
That's so funny.
I think your DH should go to the wedding. I would have him go for just one night. I would definitely have a good friend or family member to come stay with you and keep you company while he's away, though. Having a new baby will be such a big adjustment, and I know I would want my mom or best friend there if DH were away overnight.
Assuming this is a weekend wedding, if any legal issues arise, your lawyer's office and the court won't be open until the work week, anyway. Having your DH around isn't going to really help with a legal issue. One night away isn't going to hurt the bonding process, and just be sure to have someone else there to support you emotionally.
I'm sending my T&P that this BM chooses you!!!
Well, it sounds like I'm being a little selfish on this issue.
Thanks for setting me straight, ladies.
I think what I was most worried about was what a few of you mentioned - just being emotionally overwhelmed with a new infant. Other than some babysitting experience as a kid, newborns are really foreign to me. As a pharmacist, I've got plenty of book-learnin' about health and human development, but I'm guessing that's got little to do with actually parenting a tiny infant. I'm sure my Mom will jump at the chance to come hang out with us for a few days and help me out.
And, I'm getting all excited about something that might not even happen. While I really hope we get picked, nothing is certain. I guess I'm lucky that DH and I have so little to fight about we make up hypothetical situations to argue over!
(((HUGS)))
The super tiny newborn stage is one of the easiest IMO. Just go into it knowing you won't sleep longer than 1-2 hours at a time and it's a cinch.
Nap/snuggle/feed/change...lather...rinse...repeat. You can't bathe them until their umbilical stump falls off, so you don't have to worry about that! (We just wiped P down with a warm washcloth and then lotioned her up.) You just snuggle with them and sleep when they sleep! You'll do GREAT.
Yea...good luck!!! Sending positive vibes your way!
RE: DH--- I tend to be a compromiser. I would suggest that DH go ahead w/plans, and then re-evaluate closer in. Adoption is so uncertain that there's no way to know when or what it will look like when it happens. If a birth collides with the wedding, I'd still be open to allowing him to go for a day IF TPR was signed, etc. Once the big day is here, DH may feel differently about it.
The one risk you are running is losing money on a plane ticket, right? In the grand scheme of things, that money is not great.
My suggestion- play it by ear. DH may feel very differently once he's a Daddy!
Awww...you will be ok. Newborns are easy. Dealing with no sleep is not, but you will be fine. Instinct will kick in, and you will probably surprise yourself. I'm sure your mom and friends would be glad to help. You will also have all of us to lean on. I can also think of a couple nesties in your area who would be more than happy to provide in person support if you need it
.
Oh, and you didn't sound selfish at all. You sounded scared. That is very much to be expected from any first time mom to be. Good luck, and I can't wait to hear how the profile showing goes.
I don't think you're being selfish -- you're just thinking ahead and not sure of what's going to happen, that's all. You'll be okay. You'll be tired because you'll be up a lot at night, but you'll be okay. And you really just need to feed them, make sure they are safe, and let them sleep. An occasional sponge bath since they can't have a regular bath at that point. And if you're mom decides to come and help -even better - you'll have some extra support.
Good luck --- hope this is it for you!!!!
I know that I might be a little late on this, but I might have a bit of a different view than other posters; I'm actually a wedding planner (got voted the best of the Knot this year woo-hoo). Anyway, I think its pretty important for your DH to attend his sister's wedding. That is a VERY emotionally charged day and a lot brides (somewhat deservingly) consider nothing to be more important. I know that it is also very important about your adoption (believe me, I can't WAIT until we're chosen), but from just my personal experience with being around brides, that's going to be something that is hard to forgive and forgot. My father didn't come to my wedding and I still don't talk to him and I probably never will. I really don't envy your position, but its a pretty big deal if your DH is walking his sister down the aisle. She has chosen him to give her away and that's a very important role. He will be giving her support in the final moments before she walks down the aisle and he will be giving the marriage his blessing. Also, think about everytime his sister pulls out her wedding album and he is not there. I just think this is something that he does have to do. Maybe not stay through the entire reception but I think he is really going to regret it if he doesn't go. I'll keep you in my thoughts and GOOD LUCK!