Vent about how people handle M/C

eowynmn · February 2010

News flash for comforting an atheist who lost her baby:

It wll never be appropriate to tell an atheist that the reason she lost her baby is because god wants us to "experience the full wheel of emotions and so there must be a posibility of all of them" and that these "emotions allow us to get to know each other through thick and thin."Yeah something tells me I'm not getting to know my dead embryo through thick and thin.

In fact...pretty sure telling another Christian that your baby is an emotional lesson wouldn't be so comforting either.

And while I'm at it...some more things that people have said that piss will upset any mom who's suffered a M/C:

"Don't worry, you can have another" - This is bad because the mom doesn't want another, she wants her baby, and frankly you don't know if she can have another.

"I know how you feel" If you've never had a M/C...you really don't.

"Well it was probably for the good because there was something wrong with your baby." Gee thanks. Hey guess what...you kinda look like Howard Stern. Has anyone ever told you that?

"At least it wasn't a real baby yet/you weren't further along/etc." Sorry, but the baby was real to me.

Also, every time you change the subject two seconds after someone mentions their miscarriage or lost baby, you are basically saying that your friend's loss doesn't matter to you, or you don't feel it was a significant loss. Trust me...it's a significant loss, even if it's a new pregnancy.

I could go on, but really the only thing that's ever appropriate to say is "I'm so sorry for your loss" and then just zip it and listen to them mourn.

/end vent

BetchySprout · February 2010

I am sorry, very sorry. It is just one of those things people don't understand until they have been through it.

IMO, it is very similar to when someone loses a loved one to suicide. Most people say something asinine, or even worse, some just say nothing. People just don't get it.

LawLove08 · February 2010

Agree. ?Also add "At least you were able to get pregnant." ?

Having been through it, I know how significant the loss is, no matter how early, and even when you have another child. ?I'm very sorry. ?If you haven't found them already, the MC/PL board and the TTCAL board are very supportive.?

Mrs.Hizzo · February 2010

I'm sorry. People are so insensitive. I agree with every one of your points except the "something wrong with the baby" one. My OB presented that one to me (far more tactfully than it was worded above, of course) and it actually was a comfort to me. It made me feel that what happened wasn't my fault, that something just went haywire at conception, and it made me grateful that my loss was at 8 weeks instead of 20. But that was my doctor telling me that, not some random person.

eileen32 · February 2010

Or "M/C is really common." People usually mean well but like you said until you've been through it, you just don't get it. LIke with any loss.

eowynmn · February 2010

Yeah I know about PL. I've been on these boards for too long.

Brookie-Cookie · February 2010

and completely ignoring it all together, shiitty too. I remember all the lame things said and the ones who never acknowledged it happened.

CandKmomma · February 2010

I'm sorry for your loss.

In defense of the all stupid comments, people just don't know what to say. They feel that they NEED to say something and often times that something is VERY stupid.

Joes_love · February 2010

add "at least you already have one"

eowynmn · February 2010

Mrs.Hizzo:
But that was my doctor telling me that, not some random person.

Yeah, I didn't mind when the nurse said it because that's kinda their job, even though I already knew the statistics. I just get annoyed when people say that kind of crap and try to comfort me and it's coupled with religious preaching or it's just from people who are not listening and only trying to solve an unsolvable problem..

PhilsWife07 · February 2010

eowynmn:
"Don't worry, you can have another" - This is bad because the mom doesn't want another, she wants her baby, and frankly you don't know if she can have another.
I totally agree with this. When I had my m/c this was the last thing I wanted to hear. How in the world is a phantom fetus supposed to be comforting while you're mourning the loss of your actual fetus? I have to wonder if someone who says something like this would say it to someone who lost their 2 year old child, etc. Idiotic.
"Well it was probably for the good because there was something wrong with your baby." Gee thanks. Hey guess what...you kinda look like Howard Stern. Has anyone ever told you that?
I got this one too. I never knew how to respond to it. I like your idea.
I could go on, but really the only thing that's ever appropriate to say is "I'm so sorry for your loss" and then just zip it and listen to them mourn.
Amen to that.

eowynmn · February 2010

Brookie-Cookie:
and completely ignoring it all together, shiitty too. I remember all the lame things said and the ones who never acknowledged it happened.

Yes. This exactly. My mom told my brother the day it happened, and he has yet to acknowledge it.

BetchySprout · February 2010

7*7*7bride:
I'm sorry for your loss.
In defense of the all stupid comments, people just don't know what to say. They feel that they NEED to say something and often times that something is VERY stupid.

Yes, this. I went with a friend of mine to the funeral of the 2 year old of another friend of ours. Imagine my fury when said friend told grieving mother friend that "at least she is in a better place". She just felt she had to say something, I know she didn't mean anything by it but it was awful.

CoastieWife08 · February 2010

Atheist or not, any comments about m/c other than "I'm sorry" suck.

eowynmn · February 2010

Pattypoundcake:
7*7*7bride:
I'm sorry for your loss.
In defense of the all stupid comments, people just don't know what to say. They feel that they NEED to say something and often times that something is VERY stupid.

Yes, this. I went with a friend of mine to the funeral of the 2 year old of another friend of ours. Imagine my fury when said friend told grieving mother friend that "at least she is in a better place". She just felt she had to say something, I know she didn't mean anything by it but it was awful.

Well hence the psa and vent.

PSA...if in doubt "I'm sorry for your loss" ALWAYS works.

eowynmn · February 2010

CoastieWife08:
Atheist or not, any comments about m/c other than "I'm sorry" suck.

So true coastie. You know how I am about my self-righteous atheism though so using my m/c as a starting point for preaching and conversion just set me off ...hence my long rant. Just glad she's not on here.

PhilsWife07 · February 2010

Brookie-Cookie:
and completely ignoring it all together, shiitty too. I remember all the lame things said and the ones who never acknowledged it happened.

Ditto this. My SIL never said a single word to me after I had my m/c and I was hurt by that. There's no excuse for not saying "I'm sorry for your loss." It's a no-brainer. Coincidentally, she has also not said a single word about my pregnancy, either. I'm starting to realize she just kind of sucks.

JulyFiveBride · February 2010

I don't think I'd be able to control my anger if someone said any of those things to me. The only one that is even remotely understandable is changing the subject. I think a lot of people are uncomfortable and don't know what to say, so they change the subject.

The best one I've heard... My coworker was pregnant and had a m/c. I ran into another coworker at Target and he said something about being excited about her pregnancy. I told him that she had a m/c and he said "That's really too bad. I completely understand what she's going through." Then went on to tell me that his new puppy just died after being slammed in a car door and "it's really tragic when you lose someone so little." W.T.F. It was a baby. Not an effing puppy. I'm so glad he said it to me and not her.

Echowysp · February 2010

I always feel so awkward in how to handle things like this.

I once pissed off my best friend when I told her that she hadn't done anything wrong when she miscarried. She worried that she had taken an herb during her pregnancy that made her miscarry. Her doc told her that it was an empty sac that had never developed a zygote. She was so mad at me for saying that she had done nothing wrong.

eowynmn · February 2010

I forgot one...

A friend at school and I were joking about being in a miscarriage club (it helped to make jokes with someone who had been through it) and one of her freinds came up and asked what we were doing and we made a joke about our club and she said "Oh I'm in the club, I had to have an abortion last semester"

I just kinda stared. Even I was speechless to that one.

and yes to pp, puppies are not equal to babies, no matter how much someone wants them to be.

brandonsfuturewife07 · February 2010

oh man, lotr. i am so sorry.

PMJacobsen · February 2010

i'm so sorry for your loss. and i am so very sorry that people have made those remarks. i know sometimes people don't know what to say and just end up saying something akward... and some people are just dumb enough to think that those responses are somehow helpful. even as a Christian, it isn't helpful when someone responds to tradgedy with "well, God has a lesson for you"

LoriFalce · February 2010

Been there, sweetie. You're absolutely right.

caymanbride · February 2010

I am so sorry, and just wanted you to know that I completely understand where you're coming from. I had a m/c at 12 weeks before Aidan, and I heard all of those. It was awful.

Mia Wallace · February 2010

Those comments are the worst. And a lot of us have heard them unfortunately:( I agree that a simple "I'm sorry for your loss" is all that is needed.

I'd like to add one to the list. "It's very common. Many women have had miscarriages. It's not the end of the world." :flips the bird to that one:

MEJ2008 · February 2010

I'm a Christian and if anyone made those comments to me I would be really upset. I hate that. Like PP said, "I'm sorry" is all anyone needs to say. Unfortunately too many feel like they can't shut their mouth.

erbear · February 2010

I'm sorry. Hang in there mama.

trizzie · February 2010

I am a Christian and I agree with everything you said.

I would like to add that it ticked me off when people said to me - well back in my day (these were people my mom's age) you wouldn't have even known you were pregnant, you just would have thought you were having a heavy period. It is because you girls test so early now. Um, no pretty sure if I had been 2 - 3 weeks late I would have known I was pregnant and miscarrying.

haleybeth81 · February 2010

Another favorite is "At least you're young so you have plenty of time for family". yeah thanks now I feel so much better. I even had people who had m/c (such as my mom) make assinine comments so I tried not to talk about it with people which made it so much worse. I'm sorry for your loss and for you going through additional stress.